What do I really want!?

My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 9 months in total. I’ve just graduated uni whilst she’s only about to start her’s meaning the relationship would have to be long distance because I live over 160 miles away. I’m 21 and she’s 20.

Normally pre-covid we would only see each other once or twice a week but because of COVID we moved in together and have lived together for a couple months. The relationship was tested a bit more as we had to spend more time with each other than we normally do. Arguments happened more but majority of the time it was good.

As time went by, I found myself; getting annoyed at small things she’d do or say, feeling uncomfortable when she tell me she loved me, wanting to have sex with her less. I care about her a lot but my feelings for her felt weaker and I thought this was maybe a sign of me not wanting the relationship (we’ve also been living together spending everyday with each other) I spoke to my friends about it (close one’s who I find to be supportive and give me good advice) and they all told me that I should let it go.

Recently, she done something very small but it was an ongoing problem that I’ve been having with her and she understands what she did was wrong and really wants to fix it. But I felt at the time I wanted a break and she didn’t want to have that because she felt I was only making her wait to break up with her. I did feel like that, but I wanted time first to be sure that it’s really what I wanted. She left for about 10 hours and said she couldn’t deal with not knowing and pleaded me for an answer and I was completely honest with her and told her how I felt. She was upset prior to this but she felt relieved for the answer. She hugged me and thanked me for the relationship and said goodbye.

I don’t know if this is truly how I felt or it was a rushed response but I feel my response may have been rushed. Because I’m sitting here only hours later regretting what I’ve done. Knowing that she was so supportive, kind, beautiful and great. And she even said she was going to try and work on the flaws I said I don’t like. Me breaking it off may have been supported by my friends, my feelings (that were at the time quite tender) and the time we’ve spent together. But in the time I said those words, I didn’t feel what I should feel for a girl I’m dating even though she’s so good.

So what I’m asking is, what do I really want?

I had a girlfriend who was supportive, caring, listened, loved me, made me feel great, guided me and was so kind.

But my feelings were faltering, I’m worried about a long distance, do I feel the way I feel because we’ve been spending so much time together.

And when I look back on why I broke up with her I can’t tell if it’s because I stopped feeling something for her or if it was fear or I just needed a break.

Right now what I’m feeling is regret. I don’t know I’ve done the right thing or not.

Hmmm....well it's a difficult situation because during quarantine it was an especially difficult and stressful time and maybe not the best time to move in together. Though I do understand why you did that.

Maybe you were both acting more irritable because you were stuck at home basically 24/7 in general and also stuck with each other. Normally you would not spend literally all your time only with your partner. You would also do a lot of other things like work, study, go out with friends, see family, do hobbies, etc. I'm assuming this was all not available/very reduced during quarantine. So you probably didn't actually get the right picture of what it's truly like to live with her.

What are you looking for in a relationship? Like, are you looking for something serious where you would live with the person? Also what are your feelings about your girlfriend? Do you love her? The reason why I say this is that after nine months you should have a pretty good idea how you feel. If you love this girl and see a future with her. I think the living situation may have been misrepresented because of quarantine. Although if you want to live with someone and you don't like living with them, it obviously can't work out. Because you would not be happy living with that person so what would be the point of being in a long term relationship with them?

It's up to you but if I was you, I would give it more of a chance to see how things go outside of quarantine. If you end it quickly without really thinking about it, you may regret it later. Try to really think about how you feel about this girl deep down. I think when we want to be with someone, we should just know.

What was this small thing that turned into a dealbreaker?

What was this small thing that turned into a dealbreaker?

When we'd argue she was very difficult to speak to. She would create ideas of something I said and take it the wrong way. I'd try and tell her thats not what I mean't but it would take a couple days for her to calm down.

One morning we wasn't really speak much and when we did we assumed that we were both being off. We later went out and she asked me a question to which I responded "I dunno, the weathers nice" but she didn't like the tone I said it in. What I felt was that things we're weird between us that morning and she was looking for something to be upset at. We spoke and argued on this walk and she would mock me. She decided she wanted to go home instead so I went out and enjoyed my day. She then called me up saying 'You're behaving like a , you ruined my day" I explained to her that she had the choice of coming or not (and I tried to persuade her too several times). I got home we spoke more, I was slightly drunk and she was shouting a lot because she wanted me to be sad she had a bad day. We we're arguing and for a while I've been feeling like all our arguments are me trying to explain to her what I meant. I just felt tired in that moment. I told her I didn't want to be with her anymore. I was drunk, tired but felt like this was the most honest I was being. She told me she knows she was in the wrong, apologised and told me she was just really upset. We slept that night together.

The next day she asked me if I really wanted this with her. If I'm 100% in the relationship (we were also going into long distance because I was moving), and I couldn't answer the question. I asked for a break and she gave me roughly a day but I still felt I wasn't ready to explain how I was feeling. She insisted for an answer. She was wanted me to know she do whatever she can to fix it and she was willing to change and she understands now, but I feel like I've been telling her for a while. I was just honest and clear about my feelings and how they were in the relationship. She cried. I cried. We hugged and she said goodbye.

If I can be 100% honest I feel like its a mixture of feelings. I currently feel; weak in the relationship, worried about what long distance could do, wondering if she'll really change. I feel like living with her showed me I didn't really like this girl as much I felt I should have. She really is incredible, stunning, smart, kind. Honestly, my best-friend. I'm scared I've let someone incredible go, I want her back. But I don't even know if I feel the way she feels about me.

Unfortunately living together was the test that proved your incompatibility. You did the right thing ending it.

Unfortunately living together was the test that proved your incompatibility. You did the right thing ending it.

Thank you for these thoughts. Intellectually, I feel as though I made the right choice.

It sounds like you two discovered that you're not really a match.

I think this relationship is better left in your past.

It sounds like you two discovered that you're not really a match.

 

I think this relationship is better left in your past.

It's my first time letting go. Maybe thats why I'm so scared. But I feel you're right. Thank you for your thoughts

You did the right thing...If it was meant to last for the long haul, you both would have worked together and been able to work through any tough time...anything.... just like this pandemic, it would be something you two couldn't handle. But you both couldn't so it had to end.

This is why we date, it prepares us for marriage. We need to make sure we have, compatibility, trust, respect, able to stand by one another, work together though tough times, meet each others needs, them being able to fulfill our expectations, etc. Make no mistake about it, you had to end it. So don't look back, go forward with the knowledge, and lessons learned from this experience for the next one.

You were in love with the idea of being with her, you got your wish then realized. I don't want to be with her.

If you liked her, you wouldn't be so confused. If you have to convince yourself that you like her, then that will leave you confused.

To me your answer is simple. You think she is a wonderful person, great, caring, loving, but just meant to be with someone else, not you. To me you have already emotionally separated from her and ready for someone else.