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Thread: Hearing about and meeting an Ex

  1. #1
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    Hearing about and meeting an Ex

    I've been dating a girl for 3 months now during quarantine. We've gotten pretty close. At the beginning she would tell me about about past sex partners (she told me she does this to show worth - she's discussed it as something she doesn't like with her therapist). I've told her I really don't like it. I have an insecurity about it, it bothers me for a bit then I get over it.

    She's told me about her most recent bf who she's friends with, and I'm ok with it. No insecurity. Maybe because she speaks so highly of him and has assured me they are friends and it was never as romantic as our relationship.

    Anyway, I met a group of her friends recently. One was an ex boyfriend from 10 years ago. Didn't bother me. We were having a normal conversation in which she was telling me about the group of friends and she said this one ex was really sleesy - he would always hit on her even when he had a gf. Then she told me she slept with him last year after a night out.

    It bothers to think about it. Am I just that insecure??
    I asked her right away why she told me as she knows I don't like hearing about it. I'd like to think I'm upset only because she told me, but I'm not.
    Does it bother me simply because of the fact I don't like picturing her w other ppl. Even more now that I have a face to it? That she found him sleezy and still slept w him? That they're friends again? Do I confuse lust with love? (I've definitely given in to lust and know it's just in the moment)?

    All of the above? I just want to let it go but the thought will pop in my head and cause a moment of jealousy and sometimes, like now, it spirals.

    I'm moving across the country tomorrow and I'm deciding if I want to keep it going long distance. He has a girlfriend now, but will that stop him from trying again?

    Thanks for reading (I haven't had my morning coffee yet).

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Good luck with your move. Start fresh. She has no boundaries, discretion and a bad case of verbal diarrhea. She seems immature and desperate to have to ply you with all this TMI.
    Originally Posted by firstluvstruck

    I'm moving across the country tomorrow and I'm deciding if I want to keep it going long distance.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    This girl seems toxic and pretty messed up. No, it's not normal to share that kind of info and you are correct to request that she stop that behavior. However, as you can see, she doesn't. She isn't showing her worth, btw, she is showing that she is disordered.

    You've only been together 3 months and already this much drama? On top of that you are moving? I'd say let this go completely, move, meet new people and don't drag yourself down with crazy. Embrace your new place, new life and find a more sane girl to date.

    As a general rule of thumb, stay away from people who are dragging a train load of ex's turned "friends" behind them.

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    Thanks. I've had similar thoughts. The person I'm to spend my life with wouldn't let me feel like this. I also question why she's the only one to tell me about the past.

    Are the feelings I'm having in this situation somewhat normal? I feel I should seriously keep reflecting to find out where they come from. (But also, the right people/person won't allow me to feel these in the first place, right?)

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I think it's normal to be weirded out and uncomfortable with that. I think most people would be on some level.

    Unless you've had jealousy issue in ever single relationship ever.....then this particular situation is not one to make you question yourself. Focus on patterns, not the aberration so to speak. If you normally feel safe and stable in the relationship, but then start dating someone who leaves you feeling off, the problem isn't you, the problem is that particular relationship and that particular combination of you and her that's not working.

    I mean this is why we date - to learn who the person is and how well we do or don't mesh. Early on it's always fun, but a few months in the cracks start showing and that's your clue to walk away.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by firstluvstruck
    I feel I should seriously keep reflecting to find out where they come from.
    Serious question: Why?

    Let's say I eat a certain food, and every time I eat it I end up feeling a little sick. Now I have a choice. I can get "serious" about learning where those feelings of sickness come from, analyzing my digestive tract, or I can just change my diet and put things into my body that I can digest with ease and pleasure.

    Insecurity is infectious, contagious, kind of like a bacteria. I think you've digested a bit of hers, over these past few months.

  8. #7
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    good analogy with food

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    She's honest with you that she's working through issues with her therapist. I think your points are valid as is your discomfort but your expectations are too high.

    She needs to work through her issues of self-worth and self-confidence.

    I don't believe she's doing it to hurt you. She does actually seem to have issues with how she sees herself in relation to her peers.

    If you care about her, be compassionate but rein back and look at her as a whole person - not just what you want out of a relationship.

    This may not work as a relationship either. She may be a better friend than a girlfriend.

    Take care of yourself.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by firstluvstruck
    At the beginning she would tell me about about past sex partners (she told me she does this to show worth - she's discussed it as something she doesn't like with her therapist). I've told her I really don't like it. I have an insecurity about it, it bothers me for a bit then I get over it.
    Dude. Run.

    This girl has issues. It isn't normal for a healthy, mature adult to brag about sex partners to a current love interest to "show worth." The fact that she equates sex with worth? Bad sign. Deep insecurity and warped priorities there.

    I would keep looking. She's not got her head screwed on quite right.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    but your expectations are too high.
    Could you please elaborate

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