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Thread: Lost Trust

  1. #1
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    Lost Trust

    I have been with my girlfriend for 2-1/2 years. We have an 8 month old daughter together. We've had our ups and downs, but for the last 6 months, I felt things were heading in the right direction. She stays at home with the baby, I work and on the weekends we do a lot of different things together.

    Two weeks ago I found out that she had lied to me and hid the fact that she was messaging a guy neighbor. They had been talking for two weeks before I found out. She told me it was about watching his kids on Mondays just to make a little bit of money. I looked at the messages, and it's true that there was discussion about watching his kids, but there were also other messages that just turned me off completely. One morning she randomly texted him if he saw the baby rabbits in the neighborhood. That led to them talking about their shared love for nature. Another morning she said "hey, I saw you drive past me" and he responded "yeah sorry, I was late for work, next time I'll stop by."

    When I first confronted her, she tried to deny it. Then she said it was just about making extra money. When I asked how they got each others info to become friends on Facebook and message through messenger, she said they had a mutual friend and he popped up as a suggested friend request. However, I found out that he had approached her and asked for her name on Facebook. So she completely lied about it. Then another neighbor had told me that he was talking with her on the front porch one morning for about a half hour. She said she had never spoke to him in person. Another lie. What really sticks out in my mind is that for those 2 weeks she was talking to him, she was rarely talking to me.

    We got into a huge fight, but made up. She told him that it was inappropriate to be talking to him and that she would no longer be talking to him. However, the last week she has been distant with me. She still rarely messages me while I'm at work and when I get home her mind seems to be elsewhere. Also, she has had a history of hiding things when she was with her ex. Mainly talking to other guys. I just have a weird gut feeling and don't know if I can trust her again.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    I get the feeling that your trust for her—and the trust you two have built together—may have been less than strong before this. Does that resonate at all? Do those "ups and downs" have anything to do with this? Is the "gut feeling" you have right now completely new, or connected to a feeling your gut has had in the past?

    You wrote a pretty long post two years ago about a 28 year old woman you'd recently started dating, with a lot of those concerns centered around her phone, a maturity gap, and some stirring of jealousy on both sides. Is this the same woman?

    Curious to hear some answers to those questions before offering more. While I understand your feelings at this moment, I can't help but think they're symptoms of something larger and that going into the weeds about this neighbor might only make it harder for you—for you both—to see the thing that really needs treating here.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    If this had been a wake up call for her, she wouldn't be behaving distant toward you. Apparently, there's a disconnect in your emotional connection and/or her relationship boundaries have always been lacking and you were bound to have the secret revealed to you eventually.

    Of course, it would be best to get couples counseling to receive advice from a pro. At the very least, get a good book on couples communication and take turns reading a chapter a day out loud to each other. Apply the skills. Read articles on how to reinfect a spark in the relationship. Have a discussion about what she wants improved in the relationship, and concrete things that you want changed as well.

    Are you prepared to give an ultimatum? Something to think about--how long you're willing to wait to see if things improve or not. See if you two can agree on relationship boundaries, and if not, it's never going to work.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. The lying is not good. Do you think she's bored and looking for a emotional affair? How did it come about that you found these messages?


    So far the messages/interactions sound like neighborly chitchat but why hide that? How well do you know this neighbor? Talking to neighbors or babysitting is not odd but the lying is the issue. Is she seeking more autonomy and less control? Focus on the lies, not on talking to the neighbors.
    Originally Posted by James3270
    I have been with my girlfriend for 2-1/2 years. We have an 8 month old daughter together.

    Two weeks ago I found out that she had lied to me and hid the fact that she was messaging a guy neighbor.
    She told me it was about watching his kids on Mondays just to make a little bit of money.

    I found out that he had approached her and asked for her name on Facebook. Then another neighbor had told me that he was talking with her on the front porch one morning for about a half hour. She said she had never spoke to him in person.

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  6. #5
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    "got into a huge fight but made up"

    yeah, Im going to say maybe in your mind you two made up, in her mind she is furious at you. Whether it was friendly, flirtatious or not, you took it away from her and she might not ever forgive you for doing that. Remember, it goes both ways.

    I hate the word "confront" or using it in a discussion or a disagreement because you put the other person on the defensive and you will rarely get the full truth. You went out on the attack and she is responding by shutting you out of her life. That is the equal and opposite reaction.

    So before you do anything or say anything you cant take back. Seek counseling with a relationship specialist. There are years and years of deep rooted issues that need to come out and resolved. If you don't, you will be the one on the losing end.

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    The issue I see here is that she lied about all that stuff. Lying is definitely a turn off and it's dodgy. When people lie it means they feel guilty and they're trying to hide something. Maybe she hasn't done anything with that neighbour, but she probably has a crush on him. Also what has been the agreement in your relationship about having friends of the opposite gender? It depends how you both feel about that. I have a few opposite gender friends and I don't mind if my partner had opposite gender friends. But only as long as I'd got introduced to them and I could see it's friendship only between them. And they're friendly to me too and everything is fine. But when someone is lying and hiding something that means it's probably not just friendship.

  8. #7
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    If she did not lie to cover it up, and had chatted with a neighbor for half an hour on the porch -- NO BIG DEAL. This is what neighbors do. They stop and chat, especially if she was watching his kids.
    She lied because she was doing something wrong or she lied because you are controlling or a hot head==.
    My ex said he thought I was having an affair with the 70 year old mailman because he knew my first name and we waved to eachother if i was outside when he delivered the mail.
    Of course he knew my name. It was on my mail. And for awhile i was getting a lot of mail (ordered a lot of things when we first moved to our new place).

    Also, she is home with the baby all the time. I know i would crave adult conversation once in awhile in that case.

  9. #8
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    It seems like you view your relationship as performance based -- "headed in the right direction?" what does that mean?

    so -- if you have an eight month old, why is she still just your girlfriend and not your wife? Is it because she has to prove herself and you have to feel constant satisfaction in the relationship? Having a baby and giving up her ability to work to stay home with said baby even though she is not married to you is small beans?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. The lying is not good. Do you think she's bored and looking for a emotional affair? How did it come about that you found these messages?


    So far the messages/interactions sound like neighborly chitchat but why hide that? How well do you know this neighbor? Talking to neighbors or babysitting is not odd but the lying is the issue. Is she seeking more autonomy and less control? Focus on the lies, not on talking to the neighbors.
    When my ex would "confront" me and yell at me - i would sometimes say "no, of course i didn't do that" because admitting to doing the very small infraction that was perceived which no one else on earth would think was anything at all was better than what would happen if i had admitted it. If i admitted to the extremely small infraction, I would experience an hours long tirade about how stupid and worthless i was, how i didn't have the ability to learn or comprehend life, etc, and maybe he would take my phone or keys or money.

  11. #10
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by No1
    So before you do anything or say anything you cant take back. Seek counseling with a relationship specialist. There are years and years of deep rooted issues that need to come out and resolved. If you don't, you will be the one on the losing end.
    I agree. When reading the general history there seems to be a lot of underlying issues, jealousy, control and of course lack of trust. All a great recipe for disaster. You should both go for couples counselling if you want to save this relationship.


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