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Thread: Is it bad to ask to see bfís bank account?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluesky45
    I have more expenditure than him coming out of my bank account, (I drive), he has more on a credit card that he is paying off which accounts to less readily available money, obviously.

    The plan is to move out together, but to buy a home. Not interested in renting as itís too steep to then afford to save for a deposit. Hence why living together with my family to make it cheaper to save more. My family do not pay a penny towards us living there, it is entirely our money for our living expenses.

    I have a budget spreadsheet in which I regularly look at and try and make my expenses cheaper. I understand how to save money and everything.

    When I started to pay rent here I sat down and calculated the expenses, rent per person, got the internet cheaper with landline, food, water electric gas etc.

    I believe it is my mindset, (it is my degree area after all, and job). Just felt wrong to actually ASK to see, more meant in terms of what are his actual personal bills and so forth (does not drive).

    More of a long term thing, not planning it for another two years until I finish university also. In terms of disposable income, he has more, but he spends it and I save it.

    I do trust him, Iím just tired of hearing everyday about being ďindependentĒ, when there is near zero effort to actually become independent.
    Have you figured out how much of a down payment etc you need for a house? If this is the plan, why is he talking about moving out? Doesn't that go against the plan?

    Why doesn't he drive?

  2. #22
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    A shared goal is a good thing for a couple but if both are not putting in a similar effort then you will have big problems.

    He tells you he is saving but you do not believe him because of his spending habits. So you don't trust him. That is a big problem.

    If as you say he spends money more than you then looking at his bank balance will only cause problems and not solve anything because he obviously will not have as much money in there as he should.

    Perhaps he doesn't want to move out yet? Perhaps he doesn't want to get a place with you yet? This could be his way of stalling.

    A simple solution is to open a joint account just for this goal. You each agree to deposit $_____ amount into the account at the end of each month and when the balance reaches X you can start looking for a place to move into together. Then you both will have access to the account and check the balance and plan for your future. Problem solved.

    I do think there are more things going on here other than finances so take a step back and take a good hard look at the relationship and if you think it works for you now and will work in the future.

    Lost

  3. #23
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I don't get how you constantly put up with him complaining about not being independent. Is he willing to move out? How much of this current living situation is your idea? Next time he complains, let him know you're not stopping him from returning home or to rent his own place or find roommates to do so with. Remove any "we" from the equation.

    If you'd like to save money at home, that's your own valid prerogative. If he wants to move out and not be beholden to his parents or yours, or even if he'd rather move back to his own parents' place, that's likewise valid. If you're at all discouraging him so that you can both save money while living together in order to facilitate your ideal independence of jumping straight to home ownership, I'd stop. There are a hundred reasons that sounds like a bad idea on its own and which I won't bother getting into, but at the end of the day, you're both entitled to have different goals, and you're likewise entitled to see them as too different for the relationship to be viable.

  4. #24

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You do what's best for you. Keep saving if you want to save. I don't think either of you have a future unless you're willing to put in the legwork explaining the finer details of what saving means to him. You can come up with budgets galore but he's already proven that he's not committed to your future. He is however committed to his hobbies.

    The question is: do you want to keep trying or wasting your time for another two years with a man who doesn't have the same knowledge or experience or life goals as you?

    It's all very personal and no one makes that decision but you.

    What do your parents think, by the way? (of your relationship)

    Iím going to continue to save no matter what, my end goal is to own my own home, whether thatís with someone or not.

    I guess I could put in a little more effort and explain the whole thing around savings. He always takes the mick out of interest saying itís so low, but I never keep money in my current account as itís just losing value. I guess I have more to explain as he didnít know a lot of buying a house as well until I said about it.

    I have spoken about the expenditure and he has agreed to put in more effort, so just have to wait and see if there is a change as he is open with how much is in his accounts.

    Parents think he is lovely, he helps out around the house (as we all do). I wouldnít fault him except with money, which is what it boils down to. And driving but if it isnít needed youíre saving money I guess!

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  6. #25

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    Originally Posted by SophiaG
    If he needs your help with tips on saving money, keeping a budget, etc., he would have asked. There are also resources online or offered at school/work for free on how to manage your finances. If he keeps complaining but makes no effort to change his situation, then you know he doesn't really want to save or move out. You can't force him to change unfortunately, but you can decide if this is a man you want to be with in the long term.
    He has asked previously, I guess I just didn’t inform as much as I could have. I’ve spoken and he has said he is going to make an effort, just a waiting game now.

  7. #26

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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Have you figured out how much of a down payment etc you need for a house? If this is the plan, why is he talking about moving out? Doesn't that go against the plan?

    Why doesn't he drive?
    At least £20k is needed, and ideally Iíd like more so mortgage is less. And I guess itís just process thoughts out loud, as I think about it, but itís about the progression towards.

    Edit: he doesnít drive as he lived close to work and pays for a lift from a coworker.

  8. #27

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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    A shared goal is a good thing for a couple but if both are not putting in a similar effort then you will have big problems.

    He tells you he is saving but you do not believe him because of his spending habits. So you don't trust him. That is a big problem.

    If as you say he spends money more than you then looking at his bank balance will only cause problems and not solve anything because he obviously will not have as much money in there as he should.

    Perhaps he doesn't want to move out yet? Perhaps he doesn't want to get a place with you yet? This could be his way of stalling.

    A simple solution is to open a joint account just for this goal. You each agree to deposit $_____ amount into the account at the end of each month and when the balance reaches X you can start looking for a place to move into together. Then you both will have access to the account and check the balance and plan for your future. Problem solved.

    I do think there are more things going on here other than finances so take a step back and take a good hard look at the relationship and if you think it works for you now and will work in the future.

    Lost
    We have separate accounts to benefit from the accounts we have (LISAs). But if I ask he does show me it, as itís a joint plan. We are open with communication and problems, I just think he likes spending money on his hobby.

  9. #28

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    Originally Posted by j.man
    I don't get how you constantly put up with him complaining about not being independent. Is he willing to move out? How much of this current living situation is your idea? Next time he complains, let him know you're not stopping him from returning home or to rent his own place or find roommates to do so with. Remove any "we" from the equation.

    If you'd like to save money at home, that's your own valid prerogative. If he wants to move out and not be beholden to his parents or yours, or even if he'd rather move back to his own parents' place, that's likewise valid. If you're at all discouraging him so that you can both save money while living together in order to facilitate your ideal independence of jumping straight to home ownership, I'd stop. There are a hundred reasons that sounds like a bad idea on its own and which I won't bother getting into, but at the end of the day, you're both entitled to have different goals, and you're likewise entitled to see them as too different for the relationship to be viable.
    Iíve mentioned if he wanted to live by himself but he understands it is expensive by himself, and he does want to live with me.

    Current living situation was from me. I said a ďjokeĒ about it a few months ago, and then he mentioned it a couple of months ago, we calculated it all and just agreed.

  10. #29

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    I have spoken about it with him, and he has said he is going to start putting in more effort for it. Just have to wait and see, and then if not, itís a no go.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It sounds like you know what to do. Good work.

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