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Thread: Is it bad to ask to see bfís bank account?

  1. #11
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    Quite clearly you do not trust him.

    Itís irrelevant as to whether he is trustworthy or not.

    If you need proof to trust his words then the relationship is doomed to fail anyway.

    But I suspect the bigger issue is poor communication.
    You can certainly sit down and discuss income versus expenditure.

    You only mention both your incomes and the only expenditure you mention is rent.
    If he has a car for example and you donít , of course his expenses will be much higher.

    It all boils down to disposable income and it sounds like you have not even considered that. Which simply suggests to me that you have an immature notion of finances.

    I canít possibly tell with the very limited info you have provided.
    Please clarify?

  2. #12
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Is the plan for both of you to move out and live together? If so, then you certainly have a right to know what kind of income he has before you sign a lease. If he just wants to move out by himself, then his finances are his business.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by bluesky45
    we have spoken about savings and goals multiple times but I donít think itís getting anywhere.
    This is your real cue that he is not ready for the next step.

    It shouldn't take multiple talks to see some progress towards a goal like this. He's not being serious about it, which would make me hesitate in living together independently at this time. He's not responsible enough for it yet.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluesky45
    I did think it would be bad to ask thatís why I havenít and asked on here, we have spoken about savings and goals multiple times but I donít think itís getting anywhere. Next time it comes up it will just be a comment that itíll take longer to move out if youíre not saving enough. Thanks for the reply!

    I have always been open about my finances and others around me, and he is typically but I just wondered, thanks guys!
    This is not going to solve anything and it's passive aggressive. In order to do anything, in life, you must plan. Start with a budget... Research costs of rent, utilities, estimate food & entertainment expenses for the month. When you have first month and last month as a deposit, the current month and 6 months cushion saved. That's 9 months saved, then you are ready.

    Do not sign a lease with or alone for a guy you can't trust to have his share. And you don't want to take on the parent role. Financial problems are the leading cause of marital strife..... If you two can plan together and achieve a goal, that is a good sign. But if he always has some excuse why he didn't have his half. if you get a hefty amount saved and he wants to spend it. then you know. This guy is all talk.

    I have known plenty of people to talk a good game about what they want and what they are going to do. Or my favorite, the people that discount what others do... Like somehow things are easier for someone else. It al sounds impressive... But it takes work and sacrifice to achieve goals. Learn to recognize the talkers from the doers.

    You never know... You may save enough to get your place without him. And if you don't want to move out, you could go on a trip or buy yourself something or whatever! I wouldn't be too impressed by a guy living off my parents long term.... In my mind, it's not right to live off of someone else's family. Short term in a pinch, yes. Long term, he should be working toward his own place anyway.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluesky45
    We both pay rent and bills to live here, before he moved in with me he was paying more rent with his parents, so it was a natural next step in the relationship but also to make rent cheaper for the both of us to be able to save more.

    I have more bills than him because I drive and he does not.
    Nope, not a 'natural' step, a premature one.

    Stay out of his finances and manage your own. If he'd ever be capable enough of getting his own place, let him do that. THEN decide if you'd want to move in with him.

    Meanwhile, send him back to his parents instead of becoming his parent.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Is it bad? Probably. Very awkward.

    If you want to go down the awkward road, sure. I don't think it makes you a bad person!

    How can you not know what he's spending or ordering online when you both live together? Do you have some idea of what he's ordering? Do neither of you talk about how you spent the day or what you've recently purchased? Do either of you go out together and does he pay for your outtings? Just curious.

    I wouldn't even think about starting a future with this person with the limited info you have. Don't take on the headache of managing his money for him. It's a lifetime of stress.

  8. #17

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    I have more expenditure than him coming out of my bank account, (I drive), he has more on a credit card that he is paying off which accounts to less readily available money, obviously.

    The plan is to move out together, but to buy a home. Not interested in renting as itís too steep to then afford to save for a deposit. Hence why living together with my family to make it cheaper to save more. My family do not pay a penny towards us living there, it is entirely our money for our living expenses.

    I have a budget spreadsheet in which I regularly look at and try and make my expenses cheaper. I understand how to save money and everything.

    When I started to pay rent here I sat down and calculated the expenses, rent per person, got the internet cheaper with landline, food, water electric gas etc.

    I believe it is my mindset, (it is my degree area after all, and job). Just felt wrong to actually ASK to see, more meant in terms of what are his actual personal bills and so forth (does not drive).

    More of a long term thing, not planning it for another two years until I finish university also. In terms of disposable income, he has more, but he spends it and I save it.

    I do trust him, Iím just tired of hearing everyday about being ďindependentĒ, when there is near zero effort to actually become independent.

  9. #18

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Is it bad? Probably. Very awkward.

    If you want to go down the awkward road, sure. I don't think it makes you a bad person!

    How can you not know what he's spending or ordering online when you both live together? Do you have some idea of what he's ordering? Do neither of you talk about how you spent the day or what you've recently purchased? Do either of you go out together and does he pay for your outtings? Just curious.

    I wouldn't even think about starting a future with this person with the limited info you have. Don't take on the headache of managing his money for him. It's a lifetime of stress.
    We do talk about what we have purchased, Iíve just never made a point of asking how much the things are that he purchases. I have asked and realised that he has an expensive hobby (not saying what as I do not wish to have specific details on the internet). But typically spends 2/3 of income a week on it.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You do what's best for you. Keep saving if you want to save. I don't think either of you have a future unless you're willing to put in the legwork explaining the finer details of what saving means to him. You can come up with budgets galore but he's already proven that he's not committed to your future. He is however committed to his hobbies.

    The question is: do you want to keep trying or wasting your time for another two years with a man who doesn't have the same knowledge or experience or life goals as you?

    It's all very personal and no one makes that decision but you.

    What do your parents think, by the way? (of your relationship)

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by bluesky45
    I have more expenditure than him coming out of my bank account, (I drive), he has more on a credit card that he is paying off which accounts to less readily available money, obviously.

    The plan is to move out together, but to buy a home. Not interested in renting as itís too steep to then afford to save for a deposit. Hence why living together with my family to make it cheaper to save more. My family do not pay a penny towards us living there, it is entirely our money for our living expenses.

    I have a budget spreadsheet in which I regularly look at and try and make my expenses cheaper. I understand how to save money and everything.

    When I started to pay rent here I sat down and calculated the expenses, rent per person, got the internet cheaper with landline, food, water electric gas etc.

    I believe it is my mindset, (it is my degree area after all, and job). Just felt wrong to actually ASK to see, more meant in terms of what are his actual personal bills and so forth (does not drive).

    More of a long term thing, not planning it for another two years until I finish university also. In terms of disposable income, he has more, but he spends it and I save it.

    I do trust him, Iím just tired of hearing everyday about being ďindependentĒ, when there is near zero effort to actually become independent.
    If he needs your help with tips on saving money, keeping a budget, etc., he would have asked. There are also resources online or offered at school/work for free on how to manage your finances. If he keeps complaining but makes no effort to change his situation, then you know he doesn't really want to save or move out. You can't force him to change unfortunately, but you can decide if this is a man you want to be with in the long term.

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