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Thread: Working through a breakup

  1. #1
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    Working through a breakup

    I decided today to start a journal about my experiences going through a break up day by day. My thoughts and feelings, how I'm coping and just letting it all out. I hope this helps someone else going through something similar to feel some peace or know that they aren't alone in this.

    Day 1: 3 weeks after break up - NC day 2
    This morning has been horrible. I woke up not shaking too much, but the thoughts and dreams are not fading. I dreamt of her choosing someone else over me and me fighting for her, I then dreamt of going with her family and her and the whole time I was standing up for her and against people being mean to her. I don't know what to take from the dreams, other than I miss her and am trying to sort things out still subconsciously.
    My heart physically hurts still, but I'm starting to be able to smile again. My best friend, S, has been a god send through this. As have my family. I'm so appreciative for the amazing people I have in my life. I hope this pain goes away soon.

    I'm not sure what i miss about it all. The companionship? The fact that she was my best friend? Her in general? The way things have gone which was so unexpected, maybe that's why I'm suffering so much. You give your life to someone and your love and they just give up on you when you've stood by them through far worse situations multiple times. That's not a fault though. I should feel proud to be a strong person and work for the relationship, even if they didn't. I don't feel guilty for the way i behaved, I was me, I was honest, and i fought for it. But you can't win a battle when there is no fight from the other side. Its just stupid to try.

    I'm making new friends, getting closer with family, putting the efforts I used to put into her into my friendships, family and myself. Probably should put a bit more effort into myself. I don't know how to currently.

    Anyway, I'll end it for now here. Just a jumble of my thoughts and feelings, hopefully one day I will look back at this and be a stronger, happier person.

  2. #2
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    Day 1

    Today has been one of those days where I have questioned everything. I've thought about whether I should inform her of my decision to protect myself, not be friends at this stage and remain no contact or to just continue no contact. It's hard losing your love, but it's much harder losing your best friend. And that's just it, I lost my best friend too. I hate this.

    I hope tomorrow is better. Feeling this way is the worst thing I have experienced in my whole life, and i have experienced a lot.

  3. #3
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    Day 2.

    This morning is hell again. I woke up shaking and the thoughts of everything won't go away. I hope this ends soon, I don't know how much more I can take. I'm trying to be positive but the whole thing is so much harder then i ever thought i would have to deal with. How can someone you love so much cause you so much pain? God, this is stupid. Why do I still love someone who can just walk away from everything we wished for, we created? I know asking these questions gets me no where but it hurts, it hurts so much. I'm a shadow of my former self, left to pick up the pieces of what i though were going to be forever.

    Dammit, I wish i could hate her for doing this to me. For blaming everything on me. For walking away.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Are you still seeing a therapist?

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  6. #5
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    Hey Boltnrun,
    Yeah I am, and I'm also going to see a psychologist as well if things don't pick up. I have a history of mental illness and although I have been very good for the past 5 years, this has really put me back into a downer so I'm going to get on top of it asap.

  7. #6
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    Day 3
    These damn mornings are hell. And the dreams, they just don't stop. At least I'm having trouble remembering them now, which is good, but i know i dreamt about her. About us. We were kissing and everything was okay. Argh, when will this stop.

    I went to the dr yesterday. My depression has come back with a vengeance. I'm getting a new mental health care plan, and getting referred to a psychologist. I'm still going to see my councillor on top of that. I need all the help I can get right now, and im not afraid to admit that this is draining me.

    I was progressing okay, but I'm stagnant currently. I feel numb and angry, hurt and confused. Angry because i let myself be hurt, hurt because the person i thought i would spend the rest of my life with just walked away when i needed them the most, and confused because just days before they left they were scared of losing me. Yet here I am, I fought to save us, I did everything i could to make things better, I never left their side when they needed me, even when things got so bad that they scared me with their behaviour, I saw that they were struggling and that it wasn't their fault they were going through a hard time and I stayed.

    None of that matters though. In the end, they didn't look at how i was there, they looked at how i was imperfect. They looked for every thing I had ever done wrong and they held that against me. And you can't change someone's mind, or how they choose to deal with things. I've walked the hard road and lost a future, a family, a lover, a friend, but I never blamed her. I blamed myself to the point of believing I was the problem. But looking at it now, I've forgiven for much more than what i was dumped for. I put too much of myself into someone who promised they would do the same in return but walked away. I gave my heart to someone who I trusted and they threw it onto the floor and blamed me for dropping it.

    Do i want her back? Yes, more than anything in this world. Will i be able to trust her? In the long term, no. Once something is broken it can never be fully repaired. I'm changing, adapting, learning from my mistakes. It's happening slowly, but it's happening. Is she? No. She can't even admit her faults in this. She wanted to make it less bad between us by explaining herself better, and all that she did was point out my faults, how i made her feel, and not once did I explain how i felt. How she made me feel.

    So how did she make me feel? Well, it doesn't matter in the long run, but ill try to explain because honestly, I'm such a mess that i don't know how I feel.
    I'm broken. Both physically and mentally. My heart is broken. She broke up with me after 2 and a half years, we were engaged, and she broke up with me like I meant nothing to her. Over messenger. A few hours after i had last held her and kissed her and told her I loved her. She wouldn't let me come to her to talk in person. And when i finally did get the opportunity to talk to her in person she cried and asked me if i hated her. She cried and apologised, she cried and I simply held her and told her everything was going to be okay and that i love her. What a ing fool I am. And i sat there at that councillor appointment as she told everyone how i showed her no affection, how i was distant because i didn't sit next to her constantly. How I never explained that i was having issues because of stress. I told her my issues, I told her my problems, I listened to hers and helped in every way. But I still made her feel like I mattered more than her. God dammit. It didn't matter what i did, when i did it, how i did it. I wasn't what she needed, and looking back, what she needed was to learn to love herself. No amount of my love would help her when she didn't believe i loved her because she didn't love herself.

    Ehh, enough of this. I just had to get it out. I hope she can learn to love herself, it's just a shame it had to be at the expense of me. I stopped loving myself because i put her feelings before my own self worth. And the moment i tried to pick myself up off the ground she walked away. Love shouldn't be like this. Yet here is love, and here I am.

  8. #7
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    Day 4

    This morning I feel numb. Still shaking when i wake up, still flooded with memories but numb. It will be a full month on the 3rd since it happened. I've made progress on myself, learned to listen to what my body needs and actively push myself out of those dark places when it becomes too much.
    Yesterday was one of the harder days. I cried alot, I questioned everything, I was in a world of hurt. I still am in a world of hurt but the world is what i make it. The only thing i can control is myself. I can't control how i feel right now, but I'm making efforts to preoccupy myself while also letting myself push through the storm.

    There is no easy fix for this. You have to either accept it and push through it or try to ignore it. Ignoring it won't help in the long run. If you ignore something you can't learn from it. I don't want to be in the situation where it flares up or happens again because i didn't fight through it the first time. That's not healthy for me or those around me. I'm learning to put the effort I put into her, into those that stay with me through the tough times. They are the ones that deserve it. I still love her and miss her like crazy but what can I do? You can't just turn off your feelings for someone, although I wish i could. I'm hoping by focusing on those who stay with me, those who deserve my love and presence that I will feel better.

    Only time will tell, but i wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy.

  9. #8
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    Day 5.

    These mornings, my god i never thought I would hate waking up, but i really do now. I'm keeping myself preoccupied and busy, working on myself and spending time with family. Sadly the thoughts still break through, and although i let myself feel them, I feel slightly numb to it all. Fed up with feeling like this. I've noticed a lot of people are breaking up lately. Maybe i am just noticing it more because i am going through a break up. I feel sorry for them, knowing the pain they must be feeling, seeing them claw onto hope of reconciliation or friendship, but it doesn't work like that most of the time. An equal split hardly ever happens, and when you look back on their experiences you can see that they are trying to be strong through it but it's hurting them.

    Love is such a sticky web, and we weave it in the hopes that our significant other weaves the same web. Problem is, no two people are identical, and there is no way of knowing what the other person feels, if the love matches, if the wants are the same. It's a difficult thing to process, and makes me want to build walls against people to protect myself. A life of loneliness but self love, or a life of risk with someone and self love. The point I make to myself is that it's all up to chance. Me being alive is up to chance, me hurting is up to chance, and me loving is up to chance. Deep down you can't protect yourself from loving another human being in one form or another. I love my friends, I love my family, I love her. 3 different loves, 3 different chances, 3 different outcomes. I still have my friends and family, but i don't have her. 2 out of 3 is better than no love at all.
    Yeah, I still think of the what ifs, the why's, the how's, but i have no control over them. I can't change the past, the only thing i can control is my present and my future. My present is me, my friends, my family, my hurt, and my life. My future is my family, my friendships, my progress and my life. I've never loved myself in the ways I needed to . I always put those I loved before me, and now I'm paying the price. Selfishness isn't in my demeanor, so I'm struggling with the concept of being selfish, of putting myself first. Of standing up for myself and what i believe in, without the worry of upsetting those around me. I feel guilty for not contacting her when she asked if we could message each other. But I need this time to process. I need this time to learn to love myself and give back to myself what has been taken from me.

    Life is a gift, and although it feels like a curse right now, I'm just going to ride out the storm.

  10. #9
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    Day 6

    Today I went to see my councillor and although the morning was rough, I felt a bit better after having a good cry and vent. I feel like I'm going to start setting time aside every morning to have a cry, mourn a bit, collect myself and go about my day. I find that by spending most of my day out and about, it helps me not think about her as much.

    I'm starting to be able to see things a bit more clearly, that the relationship wasn't as good as i thought it was. Took me bloody long enough. I was physically abused, unintentionally or not, it was still not okay to hit me. I've been reflecting on what I did for that to occur and I realise that no matter what i did, physical abuse is not okay. I went through a previous relationship where I was hit alot. I promised myself I would never put myself through that again, went to a therapist for months because of that relationship. I wasn't upset at the end of that relationship because the abuse was so bad, but i was glad it ended. However, no matter how much i try to think of the abuse from my current ex, I just can't seem to shake the longing, the love.

    I realise how unhealthy it had become. The jealousy, the fights over a friend messaging me to say hello and ask how i am. I couldn't have friends because it would cause problems. But it was fine for her to have friends because they were all online. I saw my best friend S a total of 4 times in the time we were together. All 4 of those times she was with me, but she would get so upset because she swore my friend liked me more than a friend. I knew my best friend before we met. I took her to meet S and S loved her! Thought she was awesome and told her straight out that we are couples goals. S has been with her bf for over 6 years, and loves him dearly. All this was explained to my ex, shown to her, proved to her but she hated that I didn't see it from her perspective. The thing is, I tried to. I talked to her about it, explained that i value her opinion, but i don't believe it to be that way. I ended up just cutting off my best friend because i didn't want to fight over it, I didn't want to upset my ex. This happened with many friends, even my male best friend because his boy friend smokes weed at night to help him sleep. I don't even know if it's jealousy, or if she just didn't like my friends, or what the he'll it is.

    It doesn't matter now, but i know that all these issues are slowly becoming more significant to me. Its slower than i want it to be, but realising these issues seems to be helping a bit. I wasnt perfect, no one is. There were times i would get upset and not talk about it straight away because i needed to process my thoughts before talking about it. I explained that that is how I do things. I don't like confrontation, so i like to come into things thinking clearly, and knowing how I'm feeling. I explained it many times, nearly every time she would have a go at me for not talking to her right that second. I never left it for more than 10 mins. I literally just gave my brain time to process and then i would talk. I would only leave the room, not the house, not drive off or threaten to leave. Simply just ask for a bit of time to think and move to another room.

    Urgh, why am I explaining myself. I'm still blaming myself for all this. I'm trying not to, but it's an internal fight, some days I can see I didn't cause this alone, some days I completely blame myself and feel like a piece of . I don't feel like I am to blame today but reading back over this, I can see I'm one hell of a mess currently. Better end this before it becomes a novel.

  11. #10
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    Day 7

    Damn these mornings, damn these dreams.

    Give time to heal, focus on yourself, blah blah blah. It all comes undone when i have these stupid dreams. I can't even think right. I feel so selfish, so stupid. I'm tredding water without a life jacket. I just want to either drown or be rescued, but i have to just keep pushing. This sucks. It sucks so much.

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