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Thread: Working through a breakup

  1. #41
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    Day 34

    Today I see my psychologist. Time to knuckle down and start figuring out my issues so I can proactively work on them.

    I feel okay today, I guess knowing that the ex is struggling has helped. Not in a mean way at all, but it's nice to see that I am not completely responsible for how she was feeling towards me. It was something within her that led to what happened, and she was doing what she had to do to make it better for her. That is something i can understand and respect, and from our communication I can see that the person she is right now, isn't a healthy person for myself.

    We never have ourselves completely put together, we just find that comfortable point where we are happy with who we are and accept that we are constantly growing. I've accepted that growth is a never ending thing, like age in many aspects. Am I comfortable with myself? No, but I do find comfort in who I am growing to be.

    I put boundaries in place, I am honest and responsible, I admit my faults and work to change them, I do not hold myself accountable for the actions of others, nor do I hold others accountable for my actions. I apologise when I have done something wrong, still apologise too much sometimes but I'm working on that. I admit when I feel down and ask for support when I need it. I don't expect support though, I don't expect anything from anyone other than myself. In the last 2 months I have grown a lot.

    What I find interesting is how those around me behave differently than they used to. My sister has always seen me as a strong person. The one she turns to in times when she can't turn to the rest of the family. She's older than me by the way, but the dynamic of our relationship has been one of us being on level ground. She may be older than me but she doesn't treat me like a little sister. Our dynamic hasn't changed much, but she has seen a vulnerable side to me that she hadn't seen in a long time, maybe never before. And she's stepped up to the plate and offered her support in more ways than one.

    My dynamic with my friends has changed also. I'm more honest about myself, not as scared to offend someone. They appear to be proud of me almost. Those that have been through this experience with me, and allowed me to confide in them are still there, even though I'm a mess, they are still there. In fact, the tables have turned for one of my friends, and now they are going through a break up and confiding in me. We check on each other every day, have a vent, joke about how we should start charging each other for therapy, give each other advise and remind each other that we are beautiful people who deserve to be treated as such.

    And then there are the amazing people on here. The people who made it through or are making it through the storm. The people who read my long winded, frustrating rants, and tell me everything will be okay, don't give up, it gets better, you can do this. The advise and words of wisdom from you all are a godsend. I cannot thank you all enough.

  2. #42
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    Day 37

    I gotta work on understanding that other people don't think like i do, and that doesn't mean they don't care, just that they perceive things differently to me. I have a friend that's slow at replying. They admitted this from the get go, and explained that it's not intended, they are just busy and it's not intentional.
    I'm the opposite, I reply pretty much straight away. Now, in my infinite anxiety, I worry that my friend doesn't actually wanna talk to me. Which i tell myself is stupid because they eventually reply, and it's never a day later or anything like that.

    I know a lot of my issues stem from the fear of being abandoned. But it's irrational because people do leave. Friends, family, partners, they all have the right to leave if they want to. It's something i can't completely control, and I'm noticing more and more that I like having control. Not of another person, but of the situations i put myself in. Because this friend doesn't interact in a way I do, I feel a lack of control in the situation. The fear of the unknown kinda thing. It's silly, but something I want to work on.

    I think it's related to many things. Not being secure in myself to trust that I am worthy of friendship from others without constant reassurance, concern that I annoy people, reading into things that aren't actually there. At least I recognize my issues and want to work on them. That's the start of becoming a better me.

  3. #43
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    Day 37 still

    I've had a rough day. My dad isn't well, and while I've been aware of it for a while, watching him deteriorate is not pleasant. I'm struggling with everything currently. I feel like I can't catch a break. First I lost my fiancee, then my job, now my dad is deteriorating. All within the last 2 months. The fact that I'm still functioning is amazing to me. I don't know how much longer I can cope, but I just have to keep persisting.

    Having suffered from depression and anxiety for a lot of my life, I have had my fair share of ty moments. I've attempted suicide before, and can vividly remember how dark a place I was in for that to happen. The abyss is a dark and lonely place, and I'm scared I'll end up back there. I've been doing everything I can to avoid that from happening. Seeing therapists, reading self help books, getting out and about, working out, walking alot, meeting new people. I feel like im running a race against time right now. I need time to heal, but I'm running out of time mentally.

    I know as long as I can keep myself in a state of mind that I don't completely lose control I won't do anything stupid, however being scared of what I could do if i let myself fall too far is terrifying.

    I hope this ends soon. I need a break, something has to give.

  4. #44
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    Day 39

    The past few days have been a bit turbulent. Overall i hurt less, I think the issue is that I'm impatient and just want the pain to go away. The thing I'm mourning the most is the friendship. My friends are all busy with their own stuff and I'm stuck feeling alone. I'm planning a trip to go see my best friend, and stay with him for a while. He lives 5 hours away from me in my home town. We have been friends since we were 6 years old, and have always had each others backs. Just getting away from this city will help me.

    I'm working on getting a different career, something ive always wanted to do and will give me more motivation in life. It's easier said then done, but i have support and will make it work.

    I go to the gym at least 3 times a week, work out hard, go for hikes, walk my dog, spend lots of time with family. The loss hurts, but having family around helps more than i can say.
    Tomorrow I see my psychologist again, and we are hopefully going to start working on my self improvements. Trying to work on yourself after years of putting everyone first is damn difficult. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, whether it's okay to feel so lost. I guess it doesn't matter if its okay or not, I just have to keep pushing and make it through this.

    One day I'll be okay again, just gotta stop focusing on when the one day will be and let it happen naturally.

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  6. #45
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    Day 42

    Well, the okay feeling is gone again. These ups and downs are a bloody nightmare. My psych isn't helping much. Basically tells me to surround myself with confident people who support me. It's harder than it seems, especially in these times. I talk to my councillor today, gonna ask her for help. I'm struggling with this a lot more than I can handle right now.

    The thoughts won't stop. It hurts and is frustrating. I don't wsnt to think about her anymore. I don't want to wish she will come back, i don't want to miss her. I'm so tired, exhausted, upset. I can't sleep properly, can't relax, can't process my thoughts. I'm pissed off at everything. I can't understand how people can treat others badly. It's unfair, and there is nothing I can do about it.

    If im being honest, I know my depression is getting to me. I'm falling into a hole that I don't want to be in. No one is listening to me when I try to express how much I'm struggling right now. They just push me to better myself, like im not already trying to better myself.

    How do I ask for help when I'm already screaming at the top of my lungs?

  7. #46
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Some questions to start: What's something you've always wanted to learn? Anything you've wanted to know how to cook? What qualities do you notice in other people—qualities or hobbies—that have inspired you, made you itchy to see about cultivating something similar in yourself? When you last went for a walk, what are three things you observed that surprised you, made you grin or ask a question in the confines of you mind? Any books you've considered rereading but then that considering got interrupted by the winds of life?

    I'm sorry for the turbulent feelings, Alice.

    I ask those questions because, looking back on some of my own periods of heartache, they're ones that have floated into my head and, in exploring them, become something of a keel by yanking me outside of myself—or, perhaps more accurately, by helping me shed a husk or two. A lot of the work in progress I am today, in fact, can be traced back to some of those periods, pursuing answers to those questions. Would I be good cook with a mean yoga practice were it not for that relationship that ended and turned me upside down for a stretch? No way. Neither would I have ridden a motorcycle through Japan and ended up in California, were it not for another. When I hear Beethoven today I think of a class I took to break up the cycles of ruminating about one of those love's lost. Just walked my girlfriend's dog and made a point to notice 5 types of flowers I can't identify, but will enlist the Internet in helping me out—a little habit formed in less tranquil times that keeps me steady still.

    Does any of that help you, right now? Probably not, I know, but I hope there's maybe a salt shake of something to make the moment more palatable. The mind is a wildly strong organ, and I suppose I'm trying to encourage ways to interrupt certain cycles at present, and replace them with new ones, a bit like slipping greens into meals to improve the diet. Such a hard time, this one in the world, to go through a hard time. But it is a fertile time, I think, for you, just going from some of the insights and reflection I've seen in this thread. Hang in there.

  8. #47
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Some questions to start: What's something you've always wanted to learn? Anything you've wanted to know how to cook? What qualities do you notice in other people—qualities or hobbies—that have inspired you, made you itchy to see about cultivating something similar in yourself? When you last went for a walk, what are three things you observed that surprised you, made you grin or ask a question in the confines of you mind? Any books you've considered rereading but then that considering got interrupted by the winds of life?

    I'm sorry for the turbulent feelings, Alice.

    I ask those questions because, looking back on some of my own periods of heartache, they're ones that have floated into my head and, in exploring them, become something of a keel by yanking me outside of myself—or, perhaps more accurately, by helping me shed a husk or two. A lot of the work in progress I am today, in fact, can be traced back to some of those periods, pursuing answers to those questions. Would I be good cook with a mean yoga practice were it not for that relationship that ended and turned me upside down for a stretch? No way. Neither would I have ridden a motorcycle through Japan and ended up in California, were it not for another. When I hear Beethoven today I think of a class I took to break up the cycles of ruminating about one of those love's lost. Just walked my girlfriend's dog and made a point to notice 5 types of flowers I can't identify, but will enlist the Internet in helping me out—a little habit formed in less tranquil times that keeps me steady still.

    Does any of that help you, right now? Probably not, I know, but I hope there's maybe a salt shake of something to make the moment more palatable. The mind is a wildly strong organ, and I suppose I'm trying to encourage ways to interrupt certain cycles at present, and replace them with new ones, a bit like slipping greens into meals to improve the diet. Such a hard time, this one in the world, to go through a hard time. But it is a fertile time, I think, for you, just going from some of the insights and reflection I've seen in this thread. Hang in there.
    Thank you for your words blue. As always they comfort me and give me amazing advice.

    I'm going to push myself to do all the things that I have wanted to do. This time is about me and finding my happiness within.

    Ive learnt alot about myself in this process. I don't cope well being alone. I constantly find myself trying to fill the void within myself with other people. I know that isn't healthy, and I honestly need to stop doing this and let myself become comfortable alone. Fill that void with self love and respect. I don't love myself. Im starting to though, and thats something. I'm beginning to see that I am a good person and have good qualities.

    I'm going to buy myself a motor bike and get into riding again. I miss the freedom of the road, the thrill of the ride. Take time to appreciate the world around me more. Appreciate what I have, and not dwell on what I have lost. Its easier said than done but it's a good start and hopefully will become a habit.

  9. #48
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    A lot has happened since I last wrote, and everyday I learn something new about myself. I've been progressing well in terms of my self confidence. Surrounding myself with good people, learning to take each day as it comes. I've still got a fair way to go, but it's not something that can be quickly solved. Realising that everything takes time and patience is something important, and getting to that point is a big thing for me.

    My biggest concerns revolve around unhealthy habits I am working on kicking to the curb. I talk down about myself way too much. Although I am conscious of this, it still happens on an unconscious level. My psychologist has noticed it even when I didn't realise I was doing it. She stops me in my tracks and asks why I think so negatively of myself and my behaviours.

    Yesterday while seeing her, she made me aware of how I constantly try to please people. How I apologise to her over unnecessary things, make excuses for people treating me badly, take the blame for other people's actions, and shut down instead of standing up for myself.

    A good example of this is when I met a new friend and realised we were too different to get along. Basically, the annoyed the sh*t out of me and were odd. Instead of saying, "I'm sorry, but I don't think we can be friends" I tried to get them to dislike me. They even pushed boundaries that I put into place, but I stayed firm on those, reminding them of those boundaries. It got to a point of me again shutting down, tolerating them and then getting out of there quick smart.

    I find myself asking why the hell I behave this way. I know I don't like upsetting people, but at the expense of making myself feel like the bad guy? Why does it feel better to me to be the bad guy and force them into a decision? Maybe because I'm so scared of letting people down that if they decide not to like me it is their decision and not mine, therefore I don't feel guilt over letting them down?

    Urgh, I definitely need to stand up for myself more and actually stop feeling guilty over things out of my control. Not everyone gets along, and thats natural, its something that happens all the time. I know if I made a friend and they didn't see us being compatible for friendship I would appreciate them telling me. Why is it so different when I'm the one who has to say how i feel.

    Weird things happen in life. One of which is the friendship between my first girlfriend and I. It's been two days since we hung out, and we communicate alot. Mostly random conversation about the day, jokes, old inside jokes and new ones, good mornings and good night's, anything and everything. As per my last forum post about this, I'm not quite sure what to do. If I'm being honest, my initial thoughts were to be honest and give it a shot. But after reflection, and much wonderful advice, my thoughts now are pretty content on me not doing anything. To let it flow naturally, not have expectations, just be present in the moment and enjoy it.

    Why push something when we never really know whats going to happen? We are both young and we'll aware of the fact that it's not likely at this age to find someone who you will settle down with for the rest of your life. And neither of us are looking for that, so why not just enjoy being young and in each others lives in whatever capacity that is.

    I shh now. Too much rant, but I feel better.

  10. #49
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    Well, apart from losing count of what day I'm on since i started this journal, everything is coming together nicely. Surrounding myself with good people has made me realise how bad I have been treated in the past. Not just by exes, but by friends also. I can't change people, and staying in those bad situations is something I now realise isn't worth the pain it inflicts on myself. Why sacrifice my own happiness for others? Why shut down instead of standing up for myself?

    It's all about learning what's right for me and standing up for myself and my beliefs.

  11. #50
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by AceAlice
    Well, apart from losing count of what day I'm on since i started this journal, everything is coming together nicely.
    I would say that losing count is just a sign that everything is coming together nicely, not an exception. Might mean you're edging toward the place where you're not defining the present as You Going Through A Breakup, but simply You Being You.

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