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Working through a breakup


AceAlice

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I decided today to start a journal about my experiences going through a break up day by day. My thoughts and feelings, how I'm coping and just letting it all out. I hope this helps someone else going through something similar to feel some peace or know that they aren't alone in this.

 

Day 1: 3 weeks after break up - NC day 2

This morning has been horrible. I woke up not shaking too much, but the thoughts and dreams are not fading. I dreamt of her choosing someone else over me and me fighting for her, I then dreamt of going with her family and her and the whole time I was standing up for her and against people being mean to her. I don't know what to take from the dreams, other than I miss her and am trying to sort things out still subconsciously.

My heart physically hurts still, but I'm starting to be able to smile again. My best friend, S, has been a god send through this. As have my family. I'm so appreciative for the amazing people I have in my life. I hope this pain goes away soon.

 

I'm not sure what i miss about it all. The companionship? The fact that she was my best friend? Her in general? The way things have gone which was so unexpected, maybe that's why I'm suffering so much. You give your life to someone and your love and they just give up on you when you've stood by them through far worse situations multiple times. That's not a fault though. I should feel proud to be a strong person and work for the relationship, even if they didn't. I don't feel guilty for the way i behaved, I was me, I was honest, and i fought for it. But you can't win a battle when there is no fight from the other side. Its just stupid to try.

 

I'm making new friends, getting closer with family, putting the efforts I used to put into her into my friendships, family and myself. Probably should put a bit more effort into myself. I don't know how to currently.

 

Anyway, I'll end it for now here. Just a jumble of my thoughts and feelings, hopefully one day I will look back at this and be a stronger, happier person.

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Day 1

 

Today has been one of those days where I have questioned everything. I've thought about whether I should inform her of my decision to protect myself, not be friends at this stage and remain no contact or to just continue no contact. It's hard losing your love, but it's much harder losing your best friend. And that's just it, I lost my best friend too. I hate this.

 

I hope tomorrow is better. Feeling this way is the worst thing I have experienced in my whole life, and i have experienced a lot.

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Day 2.

 

This morning is hell again. I woke up shaking and the thoughts of everything won't go away. I hope this ends soon, I don't know how much more I can take. I'm trying to be positive but the whole thing is so much harder then i ever thought i would have to deal with. How can someone you love so much cause you so much pain? God, this is stupid. Why do I still love someone who can just walk away from everything we wished for, we created? I know asking these questions gets me no where but it hurts, it hurts so much. I'm a shadow of my former self, left to pick up the pieces of what i though were going to be forever.

 

Dammit, I wish i could hate her for doing this to me. For blaming everything on me. For walking away.

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Hey Boltnrun,

Yeah I am, and I'm also going to see a psychologist as well if things don't pick up. I have a history of mental illness and although I have been very good for the past 5 years, this has really put me back into a downer so I'm going to get on top of it asap.

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Day 3

These damn mornings are hell. And the dreams, they just don't stop. At least I'm having trouble remembering them now, which is good, but i know i dreamt about her. About us. We were kissing and everything was okay. Argh, when will this stop.

 

I went to the dr yesterday. My depression has come back with a vengeance. I'm getting a new mental health care plan, and getting referred to a psychologist. I'm still going to see my councillor on top of that. I need all the help I can get right now, and im not afraid to admit that this is draining me.

 

I was progressing okay, but I'm stagnant currently. I feel numb and angry, hurt and confused. Angry because i let myself be hurt, hurt because the person i thought i would spend the rest of my life with just walked away when i needed them the most, and confused because just days before they left they were scared of losing me. Yet here I am, I fought to save us, I did everything i could to make things better, I never left their side when they needed me, even when things got so bad that they scared me with their behaviour, I saw that they were struggling and that it wasn't their fault they were going through a hard time and I stayed.

 

None of that matters though. In the end, they didn't look at how i was there, they looked at how i was imperfect. They looked for every thing I had ever done wrong and they held that against me. And you can't change someone's mind, or how they choose to deal with things. I've walked the hard road and lost a future, a family, a lover, a friend, but I never blamed her. I blamed myself to the point of believing I was the problem. But looking at it now, I've forgiven for much more than what i was dumped for. I put too much of myself into someone who promised they would do the same in return but walked away. I gave my heart to someone who I trusted and they threw it onto the floor and blamed me for dropping it.

 

Do i want her back? Yes, more than anything in this world. Will i be able to trust her? In the long term, no. Once something is broken it can never be fully repaired. I'm changing, adapting, learning from my mistakes. It's happening slowly, but it's happening. Is she? No. She can't even admit her faults in this. She wanted to make it less bad between us by explaining herself better, and all that she did was point out my faults, how i made her feel, and not once did I explain how i felt. How she made me feel.

 

So how did she make me feel? Well, it doesn't matter in the long run, but ill try to explain because honestly, I'm such a mess that i don't know how I feel.

I'm broken. Both physically and mentally. My heart is broken. She broke up with me after 2 and a half years, we were engaged, and she broke up with me like I meant nothing to her. Over messenger. A few hours after i had last held her and kissed her and told her I loved her. She wouldn't let me come to her to talk in person. And when i finally did get the opportunity to talk to her in person she cried and asked me if i hated her. She cried and apologised, she cried and I simply held her and told her everything was going to be okay and that i love her. What a ing fool I am. And i sat there at that councillor appointment as she told everyone how i showed her no affection, how i was distant because i didn't sit next to her constantly. How I never explained that i was having issues because of stress. I told her my issues, I told her my problems, I listened to hers and helped in every way. But I still made her feel like I mattered more than her. God dammit. It didn't matter what i did, when i did it, how i did it. I wasn't what she needed, and looking back, what she needed was to learn to love herself. No amount of my love would help her when she didn't believe i loved her because she didn't love herself.

 

Ehh, enough of this. I just had to get it out. I hope she can learn to love herself, it's just a shame it had to be at the expense of me. I stopped loving myself because i put her feelings before my own self worth. And the moment i tried to pick myself up off the ground she walked away. Love shouldn't be like this. Yet here is love, and here I am.

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Day 4

 

This morning I feel numb. Still shaking when i wake up, still flooded with memories but numb. It will be a full month on the 3rd since it happened. I've made progress on myself, learned to listen to what my body needs and actively push myself out of those dark places when it becomes too much.

Yesterday was one of the harder days. I cried alot, I questioned everything, I was in a world of hurt. I still am in a world of hurt but the world is what i make it. The only thing i can control is myself. I can't control how i feel right now, but I'm making efforts to preoccupy myself while also letting myself push through the storm.

 

There is no easy fix for this. You have to either accept it and push through it or try to ignore it. Ignoring it won't help in the long run. If you ignore something you can't learn from it. I don't want to be in the situation where it flares up or happens again because i didn't fight through it the first time. That's not healthy for me or those around me. I'm learning to put the effort I put into her, into those that stay with me through the tough times. They are the ones that deserve it. I still love her and miss her like crazy but what can I do? You can't just turn off your feelings for someone, although I wish i could. I'm hoping by focusing on those who stay with me, those who deserve my love and presence that I will feel better.

 

Only time will tell, but i wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy.

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Day 5.

 

These mornings, my god i never thought I would hate waking up, but i really do now. I'm keeping myself preoccupied and busy, working on myself and spending time with family. Sadly the thoughts still break through, and although i let myself feel them, I feel slightly numb to it all. Fed up with feeling like this. I've noticed a lot of people are breaking up lately. Maybe i am just noticing it more because i am going through a break up. I feel sorry for them, knowing the pain they must be feeling, seeing them claw onto hope of reconciliation or friendship, but it doesn't work like that most of the time. An equal split hardly ever happens, and when you look back on their experiences you can see that they are trying to be strong through it but it's hurting them.

 

Love is such a sticky web, and we weave it in the hopes that our significant other weaves the same web. Problem is, no two people are identical, and there is no way of knowing what the other person feels, if the love matches, if the wants are the same. It's a difficult thing to process, and makes me want to build walls against people to protect myself. A life of loneliness but self love, or a life of risk with someone and self love. The point I make to myself is that it's all up to chance. Me being alive is up to chance, me hurting is up to chance, and me loving is up to chance. Deep down you can't protect yourself from loving another human being in one form or another. I love my friends, I love my family, I love her. 3 different loves, 3 different chances, 3 different outcomes. I still have my friends and family, but i don't have her. 2 out of 3 is better than no love at all.

Yeah, I still think of the what ifs, the why's, the how's, but i have no control over them. I can't change the past, the only thing i can control is my present and my future. My present is me, my friends, my family, my hurt, and my life. My future is my family, my friendships, my progress and my life. I've never loved myself in the ways I needed to . I always put those I loved before me, and now I'm paying the price. Selfishness isn't in my demeanor, so I'm struggling with the concept of being selfish, of putting myself first. Of standing up for myself and what i believe in, without the worry of upsetting those around me. I feel guilty for not contacting her when she asked if we could message each other. But I need this time to process. I need this time to learn to love myself and give back to myself what has been taken from me.

 

Life is a gift, and although it feels like a curse right now, I'm just going to ride out the storm.

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Day 6

 

Today I went to see my councillor and although the morning was rough, I felt a bit better after having a good cry and vent. I feel like I'm going to start setting time aside every morning to have a cry, mourn a bit, collect myself and go about my day. I find that by spending most of my day out and about, it helps me not think about her as much.

 

I'm starting to be able to see things a bit more clearly, that the relationship wasn't as good as i thought it was. Took me bloody long enough. I was physically abused, unintentionally or not, it was still not okay to hit me. I've been reflecting on what I did for that to occur and I realise that no matter what i did, physical abuse is not okay. I went through a previous relationship where I was hit alot. I promised myself I would never put myself through that again, went to a therapist for months because of that relationship. I wasn't upset at the end of that relationship because the abuse was so bad, but i was glad it ended. However, no matter how much i try to think of the abuse from my current ex, I just can't seem to shake the longing, the love.

 

I realise how unhealthy it had become. The jealousy, the fights over a friend messaging me to say hello and ask how i am. I couldn't have friends because it would cause problems. But it was fine for her to have friends because they were all online. I saw my best friend S a total of 4 times in the time we were together. All 4 of those times she was with me, but she would get so upset because she swore my friend liked me more than a friend. I knew my best friend before we met. I took her to meet S and S loved her! Thought she was awesome and told her straight out that we are couples goals. S has been with her bf for over 6 years, and loves him dearly. All this was explained to my ex, shown to her, proved to her but she hated that I didn't see it from her perspective. The thing is, I tried to. I talked to her about it, explained that i value her opinion, but i don't believe it to be that way. I ended up just cutting off my best friend because i didn't want to fight over it, I didn't want to upset my ex. This happened with many friends, even my male best friend because his boy friend smokes weed at night to help him sleep. I don't even know if it's jealousy, or if she just didn't like my friends, or what the he'll it is.

 

It doesn't matter now, but i know that all these issues are slowly becoming more significant to me. Its slower than i want it to be, but realising these issues seems to be helping a bit. I wasnt perfect, no one is. There were times i would get upset and not talk about it straight away because i needed to process my thoughts before talking about it. I explained that that is how I do things. I don't like confrontation, so i like to come into things thinking clearly, and knowing how I'm feeling. I explained it many times, nearly every time she would have a go at me for not talking to her right that second. I never left it for more than 10 mins. I literally just gave my brain time to process and then i would talk. I would only leave the room, not the house, not drive off or threaten to leave. Simply just ask for a bit of time to think and move to another room.

 

Urgh, why am I explaining myself. I'm still blaming myself for all this. I'm trying not to, but it's an internal fight, some days I can see I didn't cause this alone, some days I completely blame myself and feel like a piece of . I don't feel like I am to blame today but reading back over this, I can see I'm one hell of a mess currently. Better end this before it becomes a novel.

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Day 7

 

Damn these mornings, damn these dreams.

 

Give time to heal, focus on yourself, blah blah blah. It all comes undone when i have these stupid dreams. I can't even think right. I feel so selfish, so stupid. I'm tredding water without a life jacket. I just want to either drown or be rescued, but i have to just keep pushing. This sucks. It sucks so much.

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Day 8

 

I swear, these dreams are going to be the death of me. Why am I still chasing her in every dream? Let her go subconscious, let her go.

 

I broke no contact, and it was just to explain that i can't be friends with her right now, that i need to heal myself and let her go. I thanked her for the good times, wished her happiness and good health, and said my final goodbyes. Whether she will reply or not, it doesn't matter. I can't hold on to feeling guilty for not contacting her when she was expecting it. I explained what i need to do for me. It's done. It's final, it's over. It was before all this but i feel better kinda closing the door.

 

I've worked a lot on myself in this month since the break up. I've mended friendships, family issues, read about emotions, worked on my problems, and started a new career path. I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone, realized I need more help for my mental health, seeked it, and made connections between my ability to ignore massive red flags and codependancy issues.

 

I still feel like a steaming pile of sh*t, but I'm making progress, no matter how slow, it's still progress.

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Day 9.

 

Yesterday was yesterday, and today is today. As stupid as that might sound, it helps me get through each day as it comes. It reminds me that with each day, I can become stronger and progress further.

 

I feel better after sending the message. The reply I got was interesting to say the least. It seemed distant yet open, complaining yet accepting. Life isn't good for her, but i can't sacrifice myself for her any longer. It's no longer my responsibility to look after her, she broke up with me after all. It's a lonely journey, and I've had to face it alone without her. Maybe she is finally realising that using me as a scape goat for all her problems wasn't the solution after all. But that isn't my responsibility, nor my fault. And as selfish as it sounds, I have to focus on getting myself through this. I did all i could to repair things, but i couldn't do that alone. She made her choice, I didn't even have a chance.

 

I didn't dream of her last night. And whenever a thought of her came to me, I would accept it and then move on to another thought. One of me being happy in myself. In my new career, in my own life. I hope she is okay, and gets through this. Just as i know i will be okay and get through this.

 

Happiness comes from within, not from other people. Focus on being happy in yourself and watch as the world falls into place around you.

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Day 10 DOUBLE DIDGETS!!

 

Just a bit of a reflection post today.

Yesterday went from okay to blah and then okay again. Just keep riding those waves. I posted about how NC has helped me and got some great advice about how i need to be careful putting everything into neat categories and that you really make break throughs when you no longer seek them. This advice opened something in me that i kinda already knew, but needed that push to realise. It's true, when you stop seeking something sometimes you find it. Like when you can't find your car keys, and you look bloody everywhere for them, but the moment you don't need/want them and stop searching for them, they pop up!

 

Mourning is the same. You need/want to feel better, and if you keep dwelling on getting better instead of rolling with the punches, it appears to come slower. I'm a very analytical person, I look through everything and try to find reason, explanation and resolve. Problem is, emotions don't work like that. Mourning doesn't work like that. I have always found it hard to accept something I don't or can't understand. However, the more I look back on my life, I see that I there are some things i have rationalized to accept when i shouldn't of. These have been circumstances where other people i care for have done or said something that has hurt me, but i rationalize it because i care for them.

 

I have to do this for myself. I don't like this feeling, trying to understand it doesn't really help, but you know what? It's okay to feel this way. I'm hurting, that's okay. I know why I'm hurting. I accept that i hurt. But can I accept why I'm hurting? Bloody oath I can. Doesn't matter, I'm hurting, let's get through this. It will take time, and that's okay. I accept that. There is no timeline on healing, I accept that, it's okay. I miss them. That's okay, I accept that. I love them, even though it hurts, but i accept that, it's okay.

 

Ive probably said it a thousand times, and I'll probably say it a thousand times more. I can't just turn off my feelings, but trying to is only going to prolong my recovery. My ship is still in the midst of the worst storm I have faced, but like all storms, this storm will pass. I'll just tske each wave as it comes, and one day, before i even realise it, I'll be in calm waters.

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Day 11

 

A great psychologist I had once told me that issues and feelings are like water, and our minds are like a cup. Each issue adds to the cup, and eventually our cup gets full and overflows. Instead of letting our cups fill, we need to sort each issue out as it arises and that way we never get to that overflowing stage.

 

I'm overflowing right now. A break up will fill your cup pretty damn quickly. Instead of letting it stay full, I'm letting myself feel my pain. You can't really work through the issues a break up present, but you can work on your issues.

 

My issues? Well, let's open a whole bag of worms. I tend to ignore toxic traits in those I love. Physical, mental and emotional abuse fit under those toxic traits. Many ex's have displayed this behaviour to me, and i stupidly ignore it. Blame myself for their behaviour, and even apologise for them treating me that way. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Get so caught up in someone that i see the good in them, and tend to ignore the bad. When I love people, I love them unconditionally. Not a bad trait for the right person, but to be like this with people who aren't compatible with you? Not such a good thing. I don't like confrontation. If an argument starts I need time to process my thoughts and let things settle before talking through the issue. I always want to fix things, sort through things and make things better, but not always for myself. I will sacrifice my own happiness for those I love. Not a good thing tbh.

 

Finally, I love others more than i love myself. I put them first, I drop my life for them, my friends for them, my family for them. Not good, but not their fault.

At the end of the day I am the one in control and responsible for my actions. I had reasons that i convinced myself were valid for doing the things I have done. But valid doesn't mean right. Not right for me as I'm now the one suffering for my mistakes.

 

Still not sure how to work through my issues. I'm talking to a therapist about it, and will work with a psychologist about it too. For now, I'm just working on getting myself better and making it through the storm.

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Day 12

 

Yesterday was a nightmare. I don't really know what set me off but i was a mess. Woke up crying, kept tearing up uncontrollably throughout the day and then broke down massively last night. I look like I've been attacked by wasps today, puffy eyes is an understatement. Rang up the psychologists, hopefully the wait won't be too long, I really need the help.

 

Family issues seem to be making things hard too. I've been spending more time with my family and although i thought i solved issues, turns out I didn't and dealt with a drunk verbally abusive mother last night. That definitely didn't help me at all. Ah well, seeing my Best friend S tomorrow, so that should be good. I've been spending heaps of time with my dad, who is unwell. Taking on a bit of a caring/company role is helping. I love my dad, he is one person in my life who proved that people can change if they want to.

 

Anyway, another day is passing and I'm getting closer to feeling okay again. I'm trying not to actively look for progress anymore, but just letting myself feel and heal.

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Day 14

 

Yesterday I didn't get around to posting. I intended to, but after hanging out with my best friend S and a few tears I kinda just focused on rearranging my bedroom and removing the last little gifts/memories from my sight. Every time I went into my room I would be hit with memories and it hurt like hell. My house has never really been a home for me, too many bad memories linger and when my once safe haven, my bedroom, became affected by this dark cloud, I had to change that. It's amazing how changing up your environment to something different can change the feelings associated with that environment.

 

I'm not a fan of social media, never really have been. To me, it's too drama filled, and the lack of privacy it creates is barbaric. The only reason I still have it is because I have family that lives overseas and it allows me to contact them without a hefty phone bill. Besides, no one in my generation seems to call people these days, it's all online now.

 

Each day brings it's ebs and flows. New issues to face, and old issues resurface. Still miss the ex and love them. But I feel the love slowly changing. Its a different love now, one of confusion and hope, but the hope will fade eventually. The less time I give to the hope, the sooner it will dissipate. I don't long for the old times as much, it's the lack of our future that hurts now. All the plans we made are gone, the wedding, the house, the family, the growing old together. I've never seen a clear future with someone before, and so this is a new mourning for me.

 

I'm focusing on myself. My career, my future, my family and my friends. My mental health is a massive thing I am focusing on. A potato has more self worth than i do, and it doesn't even have a brain. I relied to much on the happiness that others gave me, and revolving my world around them that i ignored myself, my mental health. I thought if i could make them happy and give them what they wanted that my happiness would follow, but it's up to me to make myself happy. I had no boundaries, no self respect, no judgement on others and pushed all the blame onto myself.

 

I needed this push to see that i shouldn't sacrifice myself for others. I am now going to focus on me, what i need to do to be an individual again. I'm going to find my self worthy of my love, stop blaming myself and just be comfortable in myself and my emotions.

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Still day 14, just need to vent.

 

Please, please please, if you break up with someone, and they explain to you that they can't be in contact with you right now because they have to get over you, but you may contact them for reconciliation but otherwise please don't contact them, THEN DONT CONTACT THEM!

Especially if it's to give them back stuff, if they wanted the stuff they would of asked for it. Material possessions really don't mean anything when you're going through the mourning process. I don't want my t-shirt back, I don't want something I specifically bought for you.

 

Of course, I replied because I'm an idiot, but also because i respect you and know you would take offence to it if i didn't. I'm not a push over, I am polite and simply do as i wish to be treated. Was it necessary to contact me over this? No. Did I realise you probably just wanted to make sure i didn't want these things? Hmm, maybe? Tbh, I can't read minds. You apologised for the contact, stating that you know i don't want to talk. It's not that i don't want to. I simply have to focus on getting myself better, getting myself over you, and talking to you isn't going to help that. But let's be honest, even when we were talking, it wasn't actual talking. It was distant and cold, it hurt and crumbled. Now I'm just hurt that you possibly unintentionally broke the only boundary I have ever asked of you.

 

Sh*t, I respect you enough not to contact you. I respected you and let go, I didn't force affection on you, I stood back and you chose to walk next to me, to stand next to me, to hug me, to kiss me. All after blaming me for everything.

 

Screw this, it's not getting me anywhere, but hell, just want this over

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Day 15

 

The contact yesterday brought me back a bit, but i knew it would. I didn't initiate it, so I'm making effort not to blame myself for how i feel right now. I did reply, I felt it was the right thing to do. One thing she messaged is stuck in my head and I'm trying to not let it get to me. "I hope you're doing what makes you happy"

It's passive aggressive, and i can't make heads or tails of it. I wished her all the happiness in the world and she replied that? Why is she angry at me? I didn't break up with her. I have been sincere and honest, told her I was going no contact because i need to heal and respect her wishes. I guess it just further reinforces that I can't do anything right in her opinion.

 

I wasn't rude or mean, I didn't tell her off for contacting me. The one boundary i put it place was broken but i saw that it was because she found things of mine and wanted to see if i wanted them back. I said no, one I bought for her and the other was an old shirt, so I told her to chuck it out. I reiterated that it isn't that i don't want to talk to her, just that i can't right now because it wouldn't be healthy for either of us and i need to heal from everything. Is that harsh? Somehow I'm still letting her treat me like a doormat, just by being respectful and looking out for myself she is upset with me. Jesus, she broke up with me, hurt me beyond belief, and i forgive it, wish her well, and get passive aggressive behavior?

 

When I saw she had text me yesterday I didn't cry. I was confused, and kinda frustrated because I'm going on with my life and trying my hardest to love myself again. I'm picking up the pieces of my broken self and slowly welding together a better, stronger, smarter me. I'm not blaming or holding onto hope. I have to learn from the past to grow from it.

 

Sure it would be easier short term to blame her for everything, but that's not healthy, nor is it true. We both made mistakes, it's human to screw up every now and again, but what makes us stronger is our ability to recognize our mistakes and learn from them. It also helps us recognize that everyone makes mistakes, and accepting and forgiving those who actively try to work on their mistakes becomes a healthy thing. I didn't cheat, I wasn't abusive, I wasn't manipulative. The mistakes I made were that i cared for someone more than myself. I didn't want to upset them with my issues and they took it that I didn't trust them with my issues? That I didn't care anymore? I don't know tbh.

 

At the end of the day, what happened to me is my fault, whether I deserved it or not. I chose to stay, I chose to be civil and I now choose to love myself. The sooner you see that you are the only person in control of your life, the sooner you regain your power and strength.

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Day 16

 

Today has started as a bad one. It's almost like stepping back into the emotions of the day after the break up, but worse because i know it's over.

 

Letting myself cry over the thoughts and feelings, is this the right thing to do? It literally feels like my heart is being ripped apart if i don't. It's been over a month but it hurts like it was yesterday, like it just happened.

 

Today is a bad day, but I think that's okay.

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Day 18

 

I went out with a friend yesterday. Don't find people attractive yet, and if I try to look at people in that way I just feel disgusted and hurt. It's too soon, it hurts and I'm going to avoid it.

 

I'm sick with food poisoning currently. Not a great feeling. Mix that with everything else and I just feel bleh. It doesn't help that we would always look after each other when one was sick. So now I'm dealing with it alone and it isn't great.

 

It's going to be a rough few days, just gotta push through it. Starting back at the gym tomorrow, and my sister is going to be coming with me as my gym buddy. One step at a time, one moment at a time.

 

It wasn't meant to be.

I deserve better and will receive better.

I will be okay.

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Still Day 18

 

I miss her. I just want her to come back. It's not going to happen, and I'm not holding onto hope, but I want it and I don't know how to stop wanting it. I want her

 

I hate feeling like this. It really is the worst pain I have ever felt. The worst emotional pain I have experienced. I can't be angry at her, I can't think badly of her, I can't think of other people without feeling disgusted and sick to my stomach.

 

I really hope I get in to see a psychologist soon. I've been thinking of admitting myself into the psych ward. It's getting to the point of me feeling suicidal again. I just feel I have no purpose to live, to be here.

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Day 19

 

I don't really know what to say today. Everything has been said, and I'm doing my best. I don't feel suicidal as such today, just really lost. I know it's normal to feel lost, that it takes time. I just have to make it through this, slowly but surely I'll get through this.

 

I'm going to talk to family about how I have been feeling and hope they don't get upset. I am doing everything I can for myself right now, and I'm going to keep pushing to get help. I'm starting the gym today, so I'm going to pour myself into that, focus on myself and healing.

 

Time is a cruel thing sometimes. It either goes too fast or not fast enough, but we have no control over it. Living in the now is all I can do.

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Day 20

 

Yesterday started rough, but slowly got better. I ended up buying a new phone, spoiling myself felt nice. I had a bit of time where I forget about their existence, sadly that didn't last long but it's progress none the less.

 

This morning is rough again, but it flows like that. Mornings are bad, some nights are bad, and the days vary. It was so foggy this morning and reminded me that as the day goes on, the fog dissipates. Just like as the days go on, my own fog will dissipate too.

 

One day I'll be in the clear, but until then I just have to wait it out, keep looking for the light, and listen to what I need to do to get through this.

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Day 21

 

It's interesting how resilient the heart and mind are. Everything we feel and think can have some sort of primal link associated with it. For example, when we go through a break up, our instant feeling is adrenalin, pain, wanting that person back.

In our early times, rejection came from a place of survival. If we were rejected from a clan, we would have to fend for ourselves and our chances of survival decreased massively. Thousands of years of evolution made us like this, and we continue to feel this way in the modern world. Instincts are difficult to work through because they are built into us.

 

When we leave our families to make a life with someone else, it heightens these instincts when we break up. It makes sense that we hurt and feel completely lost because in a sense, thousands of years ago, we would of been alone. However, we arent alone now. I have my family still, but the feeling of being lost remains.

 

It takes time for us to be comfortable alone when we have spent time building a future with someone else. Whether we meant to or not, there becomes a dependency on that other person and when they leave it shatters our world and our future.

 

Remembering that the future is ever changing and never set in stone helps with the impact that the loss leaves. The goal is never to replace that loss with another person, but to replace that loss with yourself. Replace it with family and friends that stay by you through the hardest of times. Replace it with time for building yourself, learning what you can from the experience and becoming the strongest and most genuine version of yourself.

 

Everything in life is temporary, including life itself. Look after yourself and those who stay by you. Growing is a valuable thing, and learning from our experiences is growing.

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