Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 7 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 63

Thread: Working through a breakup

  1. #21
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    44
    Still Day 18

    I miss her. I just want her to come back. It's not going to happen, and I'm not holding onto hope, but I want it and I don't know how to stop wanting it. I want her

    I hate feeling like this. It really is the worst pain I have ever felt. The worst emotional pain I have experienced. I can't be angry at her, I can't think badly of her, I can't think of other people without feeling disgusted and sick to my stomach.

    I really hope I get in to see a psychologist soon. I've been thinking of admitting myself into the psych ward. It's getting to the point of me feeling suicidal again. I just feel I have no purpose to live, to be here.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    14,363
    Please tell your parents or a trusted friend or sibling that you're suicidal. Please reach out for help.

  3. #23
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    44
    Day 19

    I don't really know what to say today. Everything has been said, and I'm doing my best. I don't feel suicidal as such today, just really lost. I know it's normal to feel lost, that it takes time. I just have to make it through this, slowly but surely I'll get through this.

    I'm going to talk to family about how I have been feeling and hope they don't get upset. I am doing everything I can for myself right now, and I'm going to keep pushing to get help. I'm starting the gym today, so I'm going to pour myself into that, focus on myself and healing.

    Time is a cruel thing sometimes. It either goes too fast or not fast enough, but we have no control over it. Living in the now is all I can do.

  4. #24
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    44
    Day 20

    Yesterday started rough, but slowly got better. I ended up buying a new phone, spoiling myself felt nice. I had a bit of time where I forget about their existence, sadly that didn't last long but it's progress none the less.

    This morning is rough again, but it flows like that. Mornings are bad, some nights are bad, and the days vary. It was so foggy this morning and reminded me that as the day goes on, the fog dissipates. Just like as the days go on, my own fog will dissipate too.

    One day I'll be in the clear, but until then I just have to wait it out, keep looking for the light, and listen to what I need to do to get through this.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    44
    Day 21

    It's interesting how resilient the heart and mind are. Everything we feel and think can have some sort of primal link associated with it. For example, when we go through a break up, our instant feeling is adrenalin, pain, wanting that person back.
    In our early times, rejection came from a place of survival. If we were rejected from a clan, we would have to fend for ourselves and our chances of survival decreased massively. Thousands of years of evolution made us like this, and we continue to feel this way in the modern world. Instincts are difficult to work through because they are built into us.

    When we leave our families to make a life with someone else, it heightens these instincts when we break up. It makes sense that we hurt and feel completely lost because in a sense, thousands of years ago, we would of been alone. However, we arent alone now. I have my family still, but the feeling of being lost remains.

    It takes time for us to be comfortable alone when we have spent time building a future with someone else. Whether we meant to or not, there becomes a dependency on that other person and when they leave it shatters our world and our future.

    Remembering that the future is ever changing and never set in stone helps with the impact that the loss leaves. The goal is never to replace that loss with another person, but to replace that loss with yourself. Replace it with family and friends that stay by you through the hardest of times. Replace it with time for building yourself, learning what you can from the experience and becoming the strongest and most genuine version of yourself.

    Everything in life is temporary, including life itself. Look after yourself and those who stay by you. Growing is a valuable thing, and learning from our experiences is growing.

  7. #26
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    44
    Day 22

    Today was pretty run of the mill. Poo morning, better day, average night. I feel a bad day coming, but I'm just gonna take each hour as it comes and let myself feel it.

    Still hurts a lot, still think about her a lot, still painful as hell. All to be expected, and all okay. It's been well over a month now, and I can see glimmers of light breaking through the darkness. I know that bad days will come with the good days, I know I'll be in pain sometimes more than other times. The more the waves hit, the more used to them I become.

    One day I'll be okay again.

  8. #27
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    44
    Day 23

    I think this journal is probably going to start heading more towards a self progression journal than be based solely on the break up. A lot of issues have raised their ugly head in the last few week's, and working through them is a major priority right now.

    I've uncovered a lot about myself that I didn't realise. I'll try to jot them down in a way that i can later reflect on. Firstly though, I've gotta go through my negatives and then positives so far. I think I'll try to write about one negative thing and one positive thing a day in my journal.

    N1. Unhealthy attachment issues.
    It's okay to give a significant other a big portion of your love and time. What isn't okay is revolving your world around them and giving up parts of yourself for them. I do this a lot in relationships, whether it's friendships or romantic relationships. I become so focused on making them happy that I give up parts of myself for them, whether they ask me to or not.

    P1. To avoid this in the future I am proactively learning to put myself first. Not in a selfish way, but in a way that benefits me and my mental health. It's not easy, but creating boundaries and standing up for my morals, what I want from certain people allows me to distinguish suitable people for my life. Its kinda like weeding out the bad from the good, but no one is essentially bad, just not suitable for me.

    This thought process in itself is a new thing. I have tried to removed myself from people and situations that are unhealthy, but often the removal is forced or painful. I let something linger for too long, and either try to ignore it, try to fix it, or it comes back and bites me in the arse. Instead of holding out, when I first meet new people I make sure we are on the same page, the same wave length. Of course, not everyone wants what I want, or has the qualities I look for in potential friends, but being open and observant has allowed me to recognise certain red flags and doing so earlier on in a friendship makes it easier to end the progression without the pain and after effects.

    Looking at relationships through a different lens, helps to understand them. You can never know the intent of someone else. We are individual and different. We think different thoughts, have different coping strategies, experience different things. Coming to terms with the fact that its impossible to completely know some one is both eye opening and scary.
    All that we have to know about a person comes from trusting their words, mannerisms and morals.

    Example: A friend was flirting with me. I didn't know how to react at the time so I decided to give myself time from the situation and came back to it a day later. Apologised for not replying and explained that I would like to get to know them as a friend more before any flirtatious talk as im not in a place for that right now.
    Ive never really put a boundary in place before, and was concerned that it would ruin our chances as friends, but logically if they cannot respect this boundary then they arent the type of person I want in my life.

    They apologised for making me feel uncomfortable, said it was not their intention to do so, and we have continued communicating. This is a value I appreciate in people. Not apologising, but realising an error, and correcting it. Many people i have encountered take offence to such things and try to push the blame onto others.

    Anyway, long post so I'll stop for today.

    PS. I hate blame. Its a stupid thing.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,781
    Gender
    Male
    Sounds like you're doing well, Alice. Lots of Big Thoughts spinning around, I know, but seems they're sharpening the compass, opening the aperture.

    A question I think about from time to time is: How well do I know myself? Like, if conceptually there is a thing that is 100 percent me, what percentage of that thing do I actually know and understand? Ten percent, or ninety? It's kind of a coin toss, depending on the hour or year, but I think the beauty is in accepting that it's never 100 percent, that maybe there is always more unknown than known. You are a mysterious thing you're getting to know, for a lifetime.

    Other people? Same thing, and the greatest gift we can give another person is to see them as such. So, in ways, what makes relationships so strong, be they platonic or romantic, is being as comfortable with all you don't know, and can't know, than what you feel you do know, if that makes sense. Abstract as that sounds, it's actually pretty easy to gauge. It's someone who stirs in you a sense of comfort and curiosity, of wonder more than edgy paranoia, and, most critically, someone who doesn't get in the way of your journey in getting to know yourself.

    Guess what I'm trying to encourage is to think less about "only" being able to trust another's words, mannerisms, and so on, but to be able to trust that inner gauge that is you, your feelings. That becomes a lot easier when you drop the focus on making others happy, in emptying yourself in the hopes of filling others in order to feel full once more, since at the end of the day that is just turning feelings and actions into a currency exchange. At the end of the day, it requires a certain level of self-absorption, more than selflessness, to think we hold the power to infuse another human being with happiness 24/7.

    Sounds like you had a positive exchange with your friend recently. Terrific. I would, however, try to see that in even a slightly different light: not as someone correcting an "error," which carries a whiff of judgement, but as someone showing you the ability to listen, to you, with compassion, to appreciate your unique "weight" with the same grace they appreciate their own. Your voice—your you-ness—was validated by another. People capable of that are the ones to invest in, because it's those people who, simply by being themselves, give you the space to do the same.

  10. #29
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    44
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sounds like you're doing well, Alice. Lots of Big Thoughts spinning around, I know, but seems they're sharpening the compass, opening the aperture.

    A question I think about from time to time is: How well do I know myself? Like, if conceptually there is a thing that is 100 percent me, what percentage of that thing do I actually know and understand? Ten percent, or ninety? It's kind of a coin toss, depending on the hour or year, but I think the beauty is in accepting that it's never 100 percent, that maybe there is always more unknown than known. You are a mysterious thing you're getting to know, for a lifetime.

    Other people? Same thing, and the greatest gift we can give another person is to see them as such. So, in ways, what makes relationships so strong, be they platonic or romantic, is being as comfortable with all you don't know, and can't know, than what you feel you do know, if that makes sense. Abstract as that sounds, it's actually pretty easy to gauge. It's someone who stirs in you a sense of comfort and curiosity, of wonder more than edgy paranoia, and, most critically, someone who doesn't get in the way of your journey in getting to know yourself.

    Guess what I'm trying to encourage is to think less about "only" being able to trust another's words, mannerisms, and so on, but to be able to trust that inner gauge that is you, your feelings. That becomes a lot easier when you drop the focus on making others happy, in emptying yourself in the hopes of filling others in order to feel full once more, since at the end of the day that is just turning feelings and actions into a currency exchange. At the end of the day, it requires a certain level of self-absorption, more than selflessness, to think we hold the power to infuse another human being with happiness 24/7.

    Sounds like you had a positive exchange with your friend recently. Terrific. I would, however, try to see that in even a slightly different light: not as someone correcting an "error," which carries a whiff of judgement, but as someone showing you the ability to listen, to you, with compassion, to appreciate your unique "weight" with the same grace they appreciate their own. Your voice—your you-ness—was validated by another. People capable of that are the ones to invest in, because it's those people who, simply by being themselves, give you the space to do the same.
    Thank you for these amazing words, bluecastle.
    You're right in what you say. We never truly know ourselves 100%, but in saying though, how could we? We are constantly learning, growing, evolving. I realise this now, and must remind myself that others are doing the same. From your words I have come to the realisation that the unknown of myself and others is not something to fear, or worry about. It's something I need to embrace and accept.

    I'll never know how other people think, but that's the beauty of it all. Instead of solely focusing on others thoughts and feelings, it's about focusing on what I think and feel. How that person engages with me and my emotions. My friend is perplexing in that they communicate in a different way than I do. At first i worried about how what I said would affect them, but in the end, the only way of knowing was to be open and honest. In return they were not offended, and understood. They continue to understand, and value the same characteristics that i do, just in a different way. A more upfront way.

    We talked about how I have never really encountered others with high values of honesty and the belief that it should be consistent and normal to be truthful. She said it's sad and frustrating that I haven't felt that from someone before. It opened my eyes to a lot of things. I know in the process of worrying about upsetting someone I have neglected to be completely honest about how i feel. And others have done the same to me. But this friend has been nothing but honest in our interactions, and understanding without taking offence. She's accomplished, confident, and knows what she wants. I've never attracted someone like this before, and it enforces what many say about attracting those you feel you deserve.

    Ive always been worried about what people think of me, how they feel, putting them first. But for the first time in my life i don't care what people think of me. Im just being me, being open and honest and those that dont appreciate that arent a match for me.

    Sorry for the long response, but i fully appreciate your posts more than i can explain. Thank you kindly.

  11. #30
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    44
    Day 25

    For the last 2 days I've been feeling up and down. Sometimes it's alright, other times it's that sinking feeling that almost knocks me off my feet. Ive been focusing on family, making new friends and just taking things day by day.

    Tomorrow is my first appointment with a psychologist. The place i was originally referred to had a wait list of 2 months, so I got to looking into other places and emailed one about whether I could see one of their psychologists. I received an email back the following morning from a psychologist who wanted to take me on. She held a spot for me and although she retires soon, she is willing to see me until she leaves. Im hoping it goes well, and i can get some guidance on things.

    Im still seeing my councillor, most of our chats are now featured around me growing as a person, and reassurance that I'm moving forward. She reminds me that im only human, and that I'm doing the best I can right now. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own head that i don't acknowledge how far I've come. How much im working towards a better future for myself.

    At the end of the day, I judge myself too much, criticize myself, when really I'm doing the right things, the things i need to do to get better, to move forward. I guess I am so stuck in old habits that doing things for myself kinda feels unnatural and wrong. But if i keep doing them, it will become natural one day, and I'll be a better person for it.

    Like everything in life, it takes time, patience, and resilience. Ill get through this, I'll become stronger, smarter, and more self assured. Just gotta take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

    N2. Impatience.
    I'm an impatient person. Not when it comes to others, but when it comes to myself. Its hard to explain, but I've always been able to accept the time required by others to do or understand things, but when it comes to myself understsnding or doing something, I expect myself to be able to do so quickly. When I can't, well, I judge myself and hate on myself. I'm my number 1 critic.

    P2. This experience is not something you can logically and quickly work through. It just isn't possible. There is no quick fix, to magic pill, no fast forwarding. I have had to learn to just deal with it, let it naturally flow, let it be. For the first time in my life I am being patient with myself, and honestly, i needed this to happen. Ive pushed myself mentally for so long, and now I'm forced to let myself be. It's uncomfortable, and strange, but the more I do it, the better I feel.

Page 3 of 7 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •