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Thread: Working through a breakup

  1. #11
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    Day 8

    I swear, these dreams are going to be the death of me. Why am I still chasing her in every dream? Let her go subconscious, let her go.

    I broke no contact, and it was just to explain that i can't be friends with her right now, that i need to heal myself and let her go. I thanked her for the good times, wished her happiness and good health, and said my final goodbyes. Whether she will reply or not, it doesn't matter. I can't hold on to feeling guilty for not contacting her when she was expecting it. I explained what i need to do for me. It's done. It's final, it's over. It was before all this but i feel better kinda closing the door.

    I've worked a lot on myself in this month since the break up. I've mended friendships, family issues, read about emotions, worked on my problems, and started a new career path. I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone, realized I need more help for my mental health, seeked it, and made connections between my ability to ignore massive red flags and codependancy issues.

    I still feel like a steaming pile of sh*t, but I'm making progress, no matter how slow, it's still progress.

  2. #12
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    Day 9.

    Yesterday was yesterday, and today is today. As stupid as that might sound, it helps me get through each day as it comes. It reminds me that with each day, I can become stronger and progress further.

    I feel better after sending the message. The reply I got was interesting to say the least. It seemed distant yet open, complaining yet accepting. Life isn't good for her, but i can't sacrifice myself for her any longer. It's no longer my responsibility to look after her, she broke up with me after all. It's a lonely journey, and I've had to face it alone without her. Maybe she is finally realising that using me as a scape goat for all her problems wasn't the solution after all. But that isn't my responsibility, nor my fault. And as selfish as it sounds, I have to focus on getting myself through this. I did all i could to repair things, but i couldn't do that alone. She made her choice, I didn't even have a chance.

    I didn't dream of her last night. And whenever a thought of her came to me, I would accept it and then move on to another thought. One of me being happy in myself. In my new career, in my own life. I hope she is okay, and gets through this. Just as i know i will be okay and get through this.

    Happiness comes from within, not from other people. Focus on being happy in yourself and watch as the world falls into place around you.

  3. #13
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    Day 10 DOUBLE DIDGETS!!

    Just a bit of a reflection post today.
    Yesterday went from okay to blah and then okay again. Just keep riding those waves. I posted about how NC has helped me and got some great advice about how i need to be careful putting everything into neat categories and that you really make break throughs when you no longer seek them. This advice opened something in me that i kinda already knew, but needed that push to realise. It's true, when you stop seeking something sometimes you find it. Like when you can't find your car keys, and you look bloody everywhere for them, but the moment you don't need/want them and stop searching for them, they pop up!

    Mourning is the same. You need/want to feel better, and if you keep dwelling on getting better instead of rolling with the punches, it appears to come slower. I'm a very analytical person, I look through everything and try to find reason, explanation and resolve. Problem is, emotions don't work like that. Mourning doesn't work like that. I have always found it hard to accept something I don't or can't understand. However, the more I look back on my life, I see that I there are some things i have rationalized to accept when i shouldn't of. These have been circumstances where other people i care for have done or said something that has hurt me, but i rationalize it because i care for them.

    I have to do this for myself. I don't like this feeling, trying to understand it doesn't really help, but you know what? It's okay to feel this way. I'm hurting, that's okay. I know why I'm hurting. I accept that i hurt. But can I accept why I'm hurting? Bloody oath I can. Doesn't matter, I'm hurting, let's get through this. It will take time, and that's okay. I accept that. There is no timeline on healing, I accept that, it's okay. I miss them. That's okay, I accept that. I love them, even though it hurts, but i accept that, it's okay.

    Ive probably said it a thousand times, and I'll probably say it a thousand times more. I can't just turn off my feelings, but trying to is only going to prolong my recovery. My ship is still in the midst of the worst storm I have faced, but like all storms, this storm will pass. I'll just tske each wave as it comes, and one day, before i even realise it, I'll be in calm waters.

  4. #14
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    Day 11

    A great psychologist I had once told me that issues and feelings are like water, and our minds are like a cup. Each issue adds to the cup, and eventually our cup gets full and overflows. Instead of letting our cups fill, we need to sort each issue out as it arises and that way we never get to that overflowing stage.

    I'm overflowing right now. A break up will fill your cup pretty damn quickly. Instead of letting it stay full, I'm letting myself feel my pain. You can't really work through the issues a break up present, but you can work on your issues.

    My issues? Well, let's open a whole bag of worms. I tend to ignore toxic traits in those I love. Physical, mental and emotional abuse fit under those toxic traits. Many ex's have displayed this behaviour to me, and i stupidly ignore it. Blame myself for their behaviour, and even apologise for them treating me that way. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Get so caught up in someone that i see the good in them, and tend to ignore the bad. When I love people, I love them unconditionally. Not a bad trait for the right person, but to be like this with people who aren't compatible with you? Not such a good thing. I don't like confrontation. If an argument starts I need time to process my thoughts and let things settle before talking through the issue. I always want to fix things, sort through things and make things better, but not always for myself. I will sacrifice my own happiness for those I love. Not a good thing tbh.

    Finally, I love others more than i love myself. I put them first, I drop my life for them, my friends for them, my family for them. Not good, but not their fault.
    At the end of the day I am the one in control and responsible for my actions. I had reasons that i convinced myself were valid for doing the things I have done. But valid doesn't mean right. Not right for me as I'm now the one suffering for my mistakes.

    Still not sure how to work through my issues. I'm talking to a therapist about it, and will work with a psychologist about it too. For now, I'm just working on getting myself better and making it through the storm.

  5.  

  6. #15
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    Day 12

    Yesterday was a nightmare. I don't really know what set me off but i was a mess. Woke up crying, kept tearing up uncontrollably throughout the day and then broke down massively last night. I look like I've been attacked by wasps today, puffy eyes is an understatement. Rang up the psychologists, hopefully the wait won't be too long, I really need the help.

    Family issues seem to be making things hard too. I've been spending more time with my family and although i thought i solved issues, turns out I didn't and dealt with a drunk verbally abusive mother last night. That definitely didn't help me at all. Ah well, seeing my Best friend S tomorrow, so that should be good. I've been spending heaps of time with my dad, who is unwell. Taking on a bit of a caring/company role is helping. I love my dad, he is one person in my life who proved that people can change if they want to.

    Anyway, another day is passing and I'm getting closer to feeling okay again. I'm trying not to actively look for progress anymore, but just letting myself feel and heal.

  7. #16
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    Day 14

    Yesterday I didn't get around to posting. I intended to, but after hanging out with my best friend S and a few tears I kinda just focused on rearranging my bedroom and removing the last little gifts/memories from my sight. Every time I went into my room I would be hit with memories and it hurt like hell. My house has never really been a home for me, too many bad memories linger and when my once safe haven, my bedroom, became affected by this dark cloud, I had to change that. It's amazing how changing up your environment to something different can change the feelings associated with that environment.

    I'm not a fan of social media, never really have been. To me, it's too drama filled, and the lack of privacy it creates is barbaric. The only reason I still have it is because I have family that lives overseas and it allows me to contact them without a hefty phone bill. Besides, no one in my generation seems to call people these days, it's all online now.

    Each day brings it's ebs and flows. New issues to face, and old issues resurface. Still miss the ex and love them. But I feel the love slowly changing. Its a different love now, one of confusion and hope, but the hope will fade eventually. The less time I give to the hope, the sooner it will dissipate. I don't long for the old times as much, it's the lack of our future that hurts now. All the plans we made are gone, the wedding, the house, the family, the growing old together. I've never seen a clear future with someone before, and so this is a new mourning for me.

    I'm focusing on myself. My career, my future, my family and my friends. My mental health is a massive thing I am focusing on. A potato has more self worth than i do, and it doesn't even have a brain. I relied to much on the happiness that others gave me, and revolving my world around them that i ignored myself, my mental health. I thought if i could make them happy and give them what they wanted that my happiness would follow, but it's up to me to make myself happy. I had no boundaries, no self respect, no judgement on others and pushed all the blame onto myself.

    I needed this push to see that i shouldn't sacrifice myself for others. I am now going to focus on me, what i need to do to be an individual again. I'm going to find my self worthy of my love, stop blaming myself and just be comfortable in myself and my emotions.

  8. #17
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    Still day 14, just need to vent.

    Please, please please, if you break up with someone, and they explain to you that they can't be in contact with you right now because they have to get over you, but you may contact them for reconciliation but otherwise please don't contact them, THEN DONT CONTACT THEM!
    Especially if it's to give them back stuff, if they wanted the stuff they would of asked for it. Material possessions really don't mean anything when you're going through the mourning process. I don't want my t-shirt back, I don't want something I specifically bought for you.

    Of course, I replied because I'm an idiot, but also because i respect you and know you would take offence to it if i didn't. I'm not a push over, I am polite and simply do as i wish to be treated. Was it necessary to contact me over this? No. Did I realise you probably just wanted to make sure i didn't want these things? Hmm, maybe? Tbh, I can't read minds. You apologised for the contact, stating that you know i don't want to talk. It's not that i don't want to. I simply have to focus on getting myself better, getting myself over you, and talking to you isn't going to help that. But let's be honest, even when we were talking, it wasn't actual talking. It was distant and cold, it hurt and crumbled. Now I'm just hurt that you possibly unintentionally broke the only boundary I have ever asked of you.

    Sh*t, I respect you enough not to contact you. I respected you and let go, I didn't force affection on you, I stood back and you chose to walk next to me, to stand next to me, to hug me, to kiss me. All after blaming me for everything.

    Screw this, it's not getting me anywhere, but hell, just want this over

  9. #18
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    Day 15

    The contact yesterday brought me back a bit, but i knew it would. I didn't initiate it, so I'm making effort not to blame myself for how i feel right now. I did reply, I felt it was the right thing to do. One thing she messaged is stuck in my head and I'm trying to not let it get to me. "I hope you're doing what makes you happy"
    It's passive aggressive, and i can't make heads or tails of it. I wished her all the happiness in the world and she replied that? Why is she angry at me? I didn't break up with her. I have been sincere and honest, told her I was going no contact because i need to heal and respect her wishes. I guess it just further reinforces that I can't do anything right in her opinion.

    I wasn't rude or mean, I didn't tell her off for contacting me. The one boundary i put it place was broken but i saw that it was because she found things of mine and wanted to see if i wanted them back. I said no, one I bought for her and the other was an old shirt, so I told her to chuck it out. I reiterated that it isn't that i don't want to talk to her, just that i can't right now because it wouldn't be healthy for either of us and i need to heal from everything. Is that harsh? Somehow I'm still letting her treat me like a doormat, just by being respectful and looking out for myself she is upset with me. Jesus, she broke up with me, hurt me beyond belief, and i forgive it, wish her well, and get passive aggressive behavior?

    When I saw she had text me yesterday I didn't cry. I was confused, and kinda frustrated because I'm going on with my life and trying my hardest to love myself again. I'm picking up the pieces of my broken self and slowly welding together a better, stronger, smarter me. I'm not blaming or holding onto hope. I have to learn from the past to grow from it.

    Sure it would be easier short term to blame her for everything, but that's not healthy, nor is it true. We both made mistakes, it's human to screw up every now and again, but what makes us stronger is our ability to recognize our mistakes and learn from them. It also helps us recognize that everyone makes mistakes, and accepting and forgiving those who actively try to work on their mistakes becomes a healthy thing. I didn't cheat, I wasn't abusive, I wasn't manipulative. The mistakes I made were that i cared for someone more than myself. I didn't want to upset them with my issues and they took it that I didn't trust them with my issues? That I didn't care anymore? I don't know tbh.

    At the end of the day, what happened to me is my fault, whether I deserved it or not. I chose to stay, I chose to be civil and I now choose to love myself. The sooner you see that you are the only person in control of your life, the sooner you regain your power and strength.

  10. #19
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    Day 16

    Today has started as a bad one. It's almost like stepping back into the emotions of the day after the break up, but worse because i know it's over.

    Letting myself cry over the thoughts and feelings, is this the right thing to do? It literally feels like my heart is being ripped apart if i don't. It's been over a month but it hurts like it was yesterday, like it just happened.

    Today is a bad day, but I think that's okay.

  11. #20
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    Day 18

    I went out with a friend yesterday. Don't find people attractive yet, and if I try to look at people in that way I just feel disgusted and hurt. It's too soon, it hurts and I'm going to avoid it.

    I'm sick with food poisoning currently. Not a great feeling. Mix that with everything else and I just feel bleh. It doesn't help that we would always look after each other when one was sick. So now I'm dealing with it alone and it isn't great.

    It's going to be a rough few days, just gotta push through it. Starting back at the gym tomorrow, and my sister is going to be coming with me as my gym buddy. One step at a time, one moment at a time.

    It wasn't meant to be.
    I deserve better and will receive better.
    I will be okay.

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