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Thread: Me and her are living in a completely different world and it`s tearing me apart

  1. #1
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    Me and her are living in a completely different world and it`s tearing me apart

    I`ve been with her for many years and we live together. In the beginning of our story, we used to have sex almost every time we met. I was in a bliss. Everything however started turning worse month by month, year by year.. She started wanting less and less sex, while my sex drive stayed the same. I wanted her every day, just like in the beginning, and could not understand what happened within her. Slowly this started to escalate into a number of issues for us, while everything else was still great, actually even better as our love had grown to something worth staying despite of everything.

    I have witnessed this same horrible, unlogical and most of all sad evolution of sexual desire in the woman I`m in a long term relationship with earlier in my life, two times. Everything goes on exactly the same way, every time, no matter how good a man I try to be. I don`t understand why it happens. Some say it`s inevitable course of nature, some say it ain`t. I belong to the group who thinks it definitely should not be so, and life like that is not worth living. I can`t understand people who choose a life where joy of sex is slowly forgotten.

    I acknowledged this risk before I decided to move in together with her because of my experience in life, and made sure she had the same sexual appetite as I did. We discussed this many times, and I told her that the relationship I can happily live in maintains the sex drive just as it`s for us now, at this very moment. I made sure she realized, that I have gone through pain in my previous relationships because of what happened to my partners sex drives, and don`t want to waste time if she loses her drive after 1-2 years or something like that. She convinced me that it can`t happen, because I`m everything she wants, and she likes sex. She is a very intelligent woman, and I know she processed this through before moving in with me, I`m certain of it. How could she not know herself better? I know myself as a human being, and what I can maintain in long run and what I can`t. I know what in my behaviour is based on initial attraction, and what is something I want to develop in the long run.

    I had very high hopes in our future, I thought this time everything would be different. I made sure I treated her with respect in every situation, I did atleast 50% of the household chores every week, I never let her be a housekeeper of any sort, I took care of our closeness on other levels as well, I had long discussions with her, took her to nice dates all the time up to this day, I made sure I did nothing that I had previously learned that could cause issues.

    We also used to do lots of kinky stuff, and now she only wants to have sex exactly same way every time, and refuses most of the special stuff we once enjoyed.

    When I confront her about all of this, the only two explanations she can give me are:
    - She does not perceive herself beautiful.
    - She does not think about sex, like none. Sex or sexuality has no place in her daily thoughts.

    These are facts for her, because I have confronted her many times and the explanations have stayed the same throughout the years. I can`t understand either of them. She is a beautiful woman, and she looks just the same as she did when we met. Every time we go out, I can see people looking at her, and she even gets pick up attempts regularly. That is not a good thing in my mind of course, but she is loyal and I think that kind of stuff should only keep her confidence high. The fact that sex has no place in her daily thoughts is just... wow. This is not the same woman I met. Something has definitely changed, but neither of us seems to know what.
    I have done a thorough research about her situation by asking certain questions also while we are not discussing this issue, and I`m positive she is not attracted to anyone else. She can`t name a single thing she would be missing in her life. She wants to be with me forever. She is not hiding anything. She feels like she can be her true self with me. There is no explanation.

    I`m just broken by this situation. I love her way more than I love sex, if I had to choose I would stick with her and never have sex again but then again I would most likely end myself at some point because of the depression caused by it. Still, I would not leave her. I love her so much.
    I know she loves me also, because she would not be with me anymore if she didn`t, this issue has raised so much hell for us..

    It breaks me down when I approach her as gently as I can, trying to get her into the mood and she just kisses me quickly 1-3 times then turns away. Every time hurts more than previous, even though the amount of times this has happened is enormous. We still have sex though, but 10 times less than in the beginning, which was the amount of sex I want in my life. I also need the kinky stuff, it`s the salt for me. It has been ages since the last time she wanted stuff like that.. I don`t even remember how it felt anymore.


    Due to the constant distress I have been put by this situation, I have made a fool out of myself a great number of times. Unfortunately infront of her friends and family as well, as we have spent many alcohol infused nights together with everyone. I have no words to describe how bad it makes me feel. I have never been a jealous type of person, but this has just gone too far for me. Everytime I participate in a discussion where some other man gets to experience the kind of sex life I`m after, I can just feel the pressure exploding inside of me shouting out loud: Why am I treated so bad in my sexlife? This makes me say all kinds of idiotic sentences, no matter who is around.. And I just can`t help it.

    I tried a therapist two times because of the anger and frustration I felt, but it didn`t seem to go anywhere and I felt like I wasn`t understood.

    I have never cheated in my life, but as time goes by I`m beginning to lose the explanation for my loyalty. Back in days I used to be proud to be loyal and honest in a world where most people seem to cheat, but now I just feel like a fool doing so. I don`t know why I`m loyal anymore.



    I just wish there would be an answer to all of this, a right path to walk towards the kind of relationship I dream about, but I just can`t see it any better than I can see to the other side of our planet with naked eyes. Reaching it seems as impossible as escaping gravity without an engine of some kind. I have lost my reason to live.

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by 4dvz
    Due to the constant distress I have been put by this situation, I have made a fool out of myself a great number of times. Unfortunately infront of her friends and family as well, as we have spent many alcohol infused nights together with everyone.
    Can you elaborate on this? What has happened in front of friends and family? And yes, you can help yourself from "saying idiotic sentences". Disrespect, especially in front of others, is an instant attraction-killer, OP. You can't do crap like that and then whine about how she still doesn't want to get intimate with you.

    How often do you two actually have sex? And is it possible she feels so enormously pressured by your focus on sex that she is turned off? You also mention that you want kinky sex - is she into the same kinks you are?

  3. #3
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    Saying you have lost your reason to live , contradicts the fact that you said you love her more than sex?
    Yet if you canít have sex as often or how you would like it , there is no reason to live??

    That all sounds a bit dramatic and also doesnít really make sense.

    How often are you having sex?
    Has it ever entered your mind that the guys that say they are at it all night are possibly exaggerating?
    Have you ever exaggerated your sex life in these conversations?

    And what do you mean by making a fool out of yourself in front of her family and friends?
    I certainly hope you didnít comment on your sex life in front of them and her??
    Worst passion killer ever aside from the fact that itís extremely disrespectful.
    Please explain?

    If being with her and the amount of sex you have with her results in you feeling like no reason to live , then you must explain to her that you are not happy in the relationship as it stands , your reasons why and that you would like to compromise and rekindle the spark ?

    Bear in mind that how she behaved sexually early days might have been just that , her behaving to you. But not actually what she likes or what turns her on?
    Ask her ?

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Can you elaborate on this? What has happened in front of friends and family? And yes, you can help yourself from "saying idiotic sentences". Disrespect, especially in front of others, is an instant attraction-killer, OP. You can't do crap like that and then whine about how she still doesn't want to get intimate with you.

    How often do you two actually have sex? And is it possible she feels so enormously pressured by your focus on sex that she is turned off? You also mention that you want kinky sex - is she into the same kinks you are?
    I have lost it in those situations, gotten angry. Said stuff I regretted afterwards.. I have only expressed my anger with words, and once leaving everybody for an hour but came back afterwards and apologized. But it`s all because of this situation, I would never behave this way if I was happy with my sexlife and I never did before it turned out this way.. Lack of sex came before bad behaviour, which I quess started about an year after I had lost my hope. Before bad heaviour I tried my everything to solve this issue, and believed it can be turned around. We have sex once in a week I quess and at that point I have been on torture-level lack of sex for many days already. I just can`t get accustomed with it. She used to like most of the kinks we had, I never tried to make her do anything she didn`t want to do and if she said she doesn`t like something I let it go and focused on the thinks she seemed to like. She has hard time talking about this stuff, and I`m not sure she even knows what she likes really. When I ask her about this, the answer basically is "I don`t know." everytimme. I`m trying to help her in finding out the things she enjoys, I have told her a million times she just needs to tell me what she wants and I will do my best to make it happen, no matter what it is.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    Saying you have lost your reason to live , contradicts the fact that you said you love her more than sex?
    Yet if you canít have sex as often or how you would like it , there is no reason to live??

    That all sounds a bit dramatic and also doesnít really make sense.

    How often are you having sex?
    Has it ever entered your mind that the guys that say they are at it all night are possibly exaggerating?
    Have you ever exaggerated your sex life in these conversations?

    And what do you mean by making a fool out of yourself in front of her family and friends?
    I certainly hope you didnít comment on your sex life in front of them and her??
    Worst passion killer ever aside from the fact that itís extremely disrespectful.
    Please explain?

    If being with her and the amount of sex you have with her results in you feeling like no reason to live , then you must explain to her that you are not happy in the relationship as it stands , your reasons why and that you would like to compromise and rekindle the spark ?

    Bear in mind that how she behaved sexually early days might have been just that , her behaving to you. But not actually what she likes or what turns her on?
    Ask her ?
    I don`t think it contradicts. To love is different than to have a reason to live. The gap between those things is quite big actually, for me reason to live is way more personal and is about what makes me feel fulfilled, while love is a bond between us. Love gives a certain type of fulfillment also, but here I mean a specific type of fulfillment like: "I`m doing something with my life that I really want to do." This situation has driven me to deep depression. I used to be happy, and didn`t think this stuff. I`m not drying to be dramatic.

    We have sex about once a week.
    I don`t think they are exaggerating. When I was single I had numerous different sex partners, and was actually happy with my sex life. There always seemed to be someone to have sex with.
    No, I don`t think I have exaggerated my sex life in conversations.

    I have made a fool out of myself by getting angry, when something has scraped this open wound I have within me here. Yes, unfortunately I have made comments about my dissatisfaction about our sex life while being drunk.. being drunk is not a reason, I know, but it has played a role in me losing it in public. I never acted this way though before I had already given up my hope about having a sex life I believed I would have with her. You can`t imagine how much I have tried, and how patient I have tried to be. I deeply regret all of those blow ups, I wish I had the strength to act differently despite of everything. This is one reason I went to therapist.

    I have talked about this with her so many times, that it`s almost too much really. The discussions never get anywhere, because she refuses to open up and help me to help us. I think I have said literally everything there is to say to her, many times repeating myself even.

    With your last question, do you mean that she could have been trying to just please me instead of enjoying? If yes she should pursue a career in acting.. I find it hard to believe, but then again what do I know..

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by 4dvz
    I have lost it in those situations, gotten angry. Said stuff I regretted afterwards.. I have only expressed my anger with words, and once leaving everybody for an hour but came back afterwards and apologized. But it`s all because of this situation, I would never behave this way if I was happy with my sexlife
    No. Dude, just no. You don't get to blame you poor behaviour and anger-management issue on her. You are in control of your behaviour. You are in control of your words, and you better believe that words hurt and can be terribly damaging. The way you are handling it is incredibly immature and disrespectful. That is nobody's fault but your own.

    If this makes you so upset, you need to break up with her. It is not an excuse to mistreat her. You don't realize how incredibly entitled you sound, but I promise that you are making this all so much worse. No wonder she still doesn't want to have more sex with you. You are not owed sex, and most women will not want to sleep with you when you're behaving like a stroppy brat about it. If this is a pattern in your relationships, then the common denominator is you, man. You really need to re-evaluate how you might have turned your current previous girlfriends off. Something tells me this irritable and immature attitude towards sex has a lot to do with it. It sounds to me like she's lost a lot of attraction towards you.

    The fact that you go on to say you don't want to live because you're only having sex once a week and it's not the kinky kind of sex you enjoy? That tells me you have some underlying emotional problems that are not being addressed.

    How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? What sort of therapy were you previously receiving?

    EDIT: I looked back at your previous threads. I think it's time you end this relationship. You're not happy, your girlfriend doesn't sound happy, and you and were wondering in your last thread if you can cheat and if it would be justified. Why are you insisting on staying when it's obvious the relationship is essentially already dead in the water?

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    No. Dude, just no. You don't get to blame you poor behaviour and anger-management issue on her. You are in control of your behaviour. You are in control of your words, and you better believe that words hurt and can be terribly damaging. The way you are handling it is incredibly immature and disrespectful. That is nobody's fault but your own.

    If this makes you so upset, you need to break up with her. It is not an excuse to mistreat her. You don't realize how incredibly entitled you sound, but I promise that you are making this all so much worse. No wonder she still doesn't want to have more sex with you. You are not owed sex, and most women will not want to sleep with you when you're behaving like a stroppy brat about it. If this is a pattern in your relationships, then the common denominator is you, man. You really need to re-evaluate how you might have turned your current previous girlfriends off. Something tells me this irritable and immature attitude towards sex has a lot to do with it. It sounds to me like she's lost a lot of attraction towards you.

    The fact that you go on to say you don't want to live because you're only having sex once a week and it's not the kinky kind of sex you enjoy? That tells me you have some underlying emotional problems that are not being addressed.

    How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? What sort of therapy were you previously receiving?

    EDIT: I looked back at your previous threads. I think it's time you end this relationship. You're not happy, your girlfriend doesn't sound happy, and you and were wondering in your last thread if you can cheat and if it would be justified. Why are you insisting on staying when it's obvious the relationship is essentially already dead in the water?
    I regret my bad behaviour, I really do. I wish I had been able to handle my emotions with thought, instead of exploding. I don`t think it`s her fault that I have gotten angry in public places. I should had been able to act differently.

    However I went through a process with her before we started our life together, and made her consider if she wants the same kind of level in sex in long run as I do. I gave her lots of time to consider, and told her I that we should not move in together unless she feels the same about this stuff as I do, because I knew where it would take us if she didn`t. Into this very exact situation. I was honest and open about everything. I believe she made her decision based on her own evaluation with the right information. I don`t think she can just drop everything after making such a decision, without even giving me a reason.. That is extremely unfair to me.

    I know I have made things worse, but before that I really tried and maintained my calm while doing so.

    I`m definitely not behaving like a brat btw, I don`t think you really understand me here. Other than this issue, I have treated her with respect in every aspect I can think of. The level of frustration has just gotten too bad inside me during these years, as I have lost my hope in this issue.

    About attraction, I have confronted her about this also and she claims to be attracted to me. I have told her that she should leave me if she is not attracted to me anymore, yet she has stayed.

    Since you went through my earlier posts, you must also have found my age. I`m not a teenager, I`m an adult.

    As I mentioned I have never cheated, not her, not anyone who I was in a relationship with. I just don`t understand how can someone expect loyalty from her man, after taking away his sex life while basically being completely aware of it with the information she had about me? To me this is just as wrong as cheating, yet Iīm not cheating.

    I seeked out a therapist who was supposed to know about anger management, and relationships. It was a bad experience for me, because to be honest I faced same sort of negativity as I see from your post.. I donīt mean this as an offence, but you just see things very differently than I do, and take my situation the wrong way. I`m not going to leave her, I never will, because I have promised to stay with her forever and I love her with all my heart. If she leaves me because not loving me anymore, I accept it.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by 4dvz
    I donīt mean this as an offence, but you just see things very differently than I do, and take my situation the wrong way. I`m not going to leave her, I never will, because I have promised to stay with her forever and I love her with all my heart. If she leaves me because not loving me anymore, I accept it.
    It doesn't matter how I take it.

    It matters that your girlfriend doesn't see the situation the same way you do, either.

    That is why your relationship is crumbling. You two are very incompatible on a significant level. You don't see things her way, and she doesn't see things your way. Stay if you want, but get control over your emotions. And don't cheat; I hope you didn't decide to go through with that ill-advised idea.

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    You've been with this woman for "many years" and you're still having sex once a week?! There are millions out there who'd say you're actually doing pretty well! If you'd said it was only once every few months then I'd understand, but once a week is not in any way unusual. If this isn't enough for you then end the relationship, but good luck in trying to find another woman who'll give you kinky sex on demand for "many years".

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    Originally Posted by poorlittlefish
    You've been with this woman for "many years" and you're still having sex once a week?! There are millions out there who'd say you're actually doing pretty well! If you'd said it was only once every few months then I'd understand, but once a week is not in any way unusual. If this isn't enough for you then end the relationship, but good luck in trying to find another woman who'll give you kinky sex on demand for "many years".
    Is this really the case? Women don`t like daily sex, nor possess fetishes? Are women and men really this different? I have known women in my life (friends) who have had same kind of issues as I do, but on a different scale..

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