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Thread: Why this he vanish like that ? Needing opinions

  1. #1

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    Why this he vanish like that ? Needing opinions

    I have been seeing a guy for a few weeks, after a month we had sex for the first time. The day after, he was leaving for a trip and he didn't write to me (I wrote to him in the evening, he answered, but didn't talk much). Then he started to initiate contact less and less...

    I had actually met him years ago when we were students: he was interested, he manifested it but was often clumsy about it and hot and cold. Back then, he was in a relationship that he was not so excited about anymore. But nothing happenned, we never confessed our mutual interest to each other. I was unexperienced I didn't know how to reciprocate and he never said "i like you". And he vanished, and we didn't talk for years. I had never completely forgotten about him.

    So when we saw each other again weeks ago, both being single, we wanted to see if something could happen today between us. I must admit I was excited about it. But I wasn't sure it could go somewhere or we'd be fit for one another (I sort of told him). Above all, the way he had vanished in the past had hurt and confused me, I am sensitive and I needed time to trust him and feel comfortable. He wouldn't really verbalize his interest for me, he said he wasn't comfortable with words and they didn't mean anything... At the beginning I expressed my doubts and said I was scared I was not his type of girl and vice versa, we are quite different... He seemed a bit annoyed and said it was too early to worry about that and I should trust my instinct. But he was not very warm and not very talkative between dates. I just needed to feel like he was taking me seriously and he would be more consistent this time.

    We were still really getting along and the physical chemisty was great (for me at least). We'd kiss for 20 min straight.

    A week before he left, we had non-penetrative sex an evening, for 2 or 3 hours... He left at 3 or 4 am, didn't write to me the day after, it confused me. He had to work, I sent him a text saying I hoped he wasn't too exhausted, he said he was far from regretting what had happenned.

    And then, a week later, we have actual sex and then he seemed to pull away. I have stopped initiating contact now and he hasn't tired to contact me. It really hurts me and I am confused... I find it douchy. Why would he come back after years to disappear again like that ?
    Any opinion would be welcome Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
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    It sounds like he was only really interested in sex, and for whatever reason, he wasn't feeling the chemistry when it actually happened and has now decided to fade completely. I can understand why it stings, but let this be your clear indication that he's not the guy for you

    I think you need to let go of the idea of something more happening. It's never gotten off the ground and it appears that you've always been more interested than him. His coldness and clumsiness is because he's not that into it, unfortunately.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Could be he was just in it for the sex, but honestly I don't see any reason he should have been in it for anything more. Seems like a lot of drama and emotional diarrhea sharing doubts and fears, asking if he regretted anything, etc. after only having started dating. Or telling him before you'd even started dating that you weren't sure you could see anything between you two. Not sure what grand prospects you had for a happy long-term commitment after all that. Which isn't to say he'd be a possibility in any situation, but that you're certainly not helping your odds any.

    If you're not comfortable with or have heavy reservations about someone someone, don't date them. Dating is much more enjoyable-- and successful, for that matter-- when you choose to forego that dynamic altogether

  4. #4
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    Sorry, but he was only in it for sex,

    This guy does not sound like he was ever really nice. The ghosting from the first time was an indicator of who he was. Always follow your gut, you knew all along that this was not good.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that. FWB experiments rarely turn out well. Distance yourself from him. Next time be clear on what type of arrangement you are looking for. Dating, FWB, hookups, exclusive, etc.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Why did he vanish? Pretty much same reason why anyone vanishes - they don't care and they don't want to deal with you, your emotions, or any kind of talk or explanations.

    He was the same before and he is the same today. You should have listened to your instincts telling you that he is no good.

    Overall, it seems like your attraction was mostly one sided all along. Tough to accept, but probably best that you do and let this go for good so if he ever reaches out for another hook up, you'll be strong enough and smart enough to hang up on him.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You had all those doubts yet chose to have sex with him anyway? Why? Were you hoping the sex would make him want to continue dating you?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Remember a leopard doesn't change it's spots. The guy vanished on you before, he's gonna do it again. The red flags were always there...nothing to be confused about. He just wanted some sex that's it.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He was looking for a hook up, nothing more.

    Unfortunately, you made yourself vulnerable by telling him how much you liked him and letting him steer you into sex quickly.

    If you ever decide to date again, don't jump into bed like this and go slow. Make sure the man you're dating is actually interested in YOU and not a quick hop in the sack.

    Someone who sincerely likes you, will want to romance you and date you properly. Bring you flowers, take you out to nice dinners, sit and have long chats with you. And might give you a peck on the cheek but will not rush things.

    On the other hand, if you have a fool like the guy you unfortunately got involved with, he will make minimal efforts, not care about long talks or really getting to know you and will push intimacy, whether that be kissing or touching to full on sex.

    Find a man who falls in love with your mind and not someone wanting to use your body.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I too think he just wanted to get laid and that he isn't all that into you like you want him to be. Best to move on.

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