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Thread: Our neighbors are my parents!

  1. #21
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    The father in law is NOT walking into the house unannounced.

    He is simply using his OWN garage that is attached to both properties.

    The OP and her husband are renting the house (cheaply) , not the property but are allowed to use the property despite not renting it for their dog etc. He should be grateful!

    There should be no discussion between husband and father in law , husband telling his father in law that he can not use his own garage??! That is absurd.

    This is not a father in law / son in law issue at all.
    This is simply the son in law wanting his cake and eat it too.

    Husband is super ungrateful. End of story.
    And if he is not happy with his cheap rent on a house plus the bonus of being able to use land he is not renting , then yes he can rent elsewhere but at what cost?

    He sounds like a fool to me.
    I'm not reading anywhere that he's ungrateful. He's not the one posting here about setting boundaries. Sounds like he's taken the situation for what it is and come to a very valid values-based conclusion that paying more in rent is worth not sharing a public garage and not having someone fumbling around his yard and outside his windows looking for projects to finish up for him. On top of it, a lot of people are inherently uncomfortable with relying on mommy and daddy, whether bio or in-laws, for a financial break. It's definitely understandable if everything being married together here makes the situation untenable for him. I also wonder how much of the quaintness she finds cute in the 115 year old farmhouse she grew up in doesn't exactly enjoy the same level of appreciation by him.

    If OP even hinted that he was nagging her to tell dad he can't store things in the garage anymore or enter their yard, that'd certainly be another thing. That would be wanting his cake and eating it too. He sees the cake. He doesn't want the cake. He's told OP exactly why he doesn't. He's presented a solution wherein the cake can do its thing and they can do their own. OP doesn't frame the situation as a financial necessity, but rather for the simple benefit of saving for a home quicker. In which case, while I can respect the OP's desire to save more money, his argument for living independently insofar as they can comfortably afford to do so is almost objectively a better one. That's of course if we're going to go the route of weighing attitudes against one another.

    IMO it's a no bad guys situation. OP wanted to see if it could be a sustainable option for saving extra money. If the parents are giving them a break on rent, then I don't see anything wrong with dad taking liberties with the garage and the land. Still, I don't think the husband is obligated to appreciate having zero private access to anything outside the front door of the 1910s house they're staying in simply for getting a break on the monthly rent. At least as far as I'm reading it, he's entertained the situation for a solid ~18 months. The obvious and most neutral solution is chalk up the year and a half of extra savings as a success, thank the parents kindly, and move out.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    When my husband and I were newlyweds, we could've rented space from my very affluent in-laws for cheap or for "free" if we pulled our weight by doing chores, errands and their bidding. However, that idea was out of the question. We rented elsewhere even though it was expensive and made it on our own even though it took a while to save money for our first house. During this entire time, we had freedom and strong boundaries with relatives and in-laws. Everyone knew their place and no one barged in on each other.

    Money buys you enforced boundaries, rules, independence and power.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    What happened recently that irritates him if he was ok with the whole idea in the beginning and for the following 1.5 yrs? Was there a timeline for saving to rent elsewhere ever established? Is it the money or the proximity to your parents that you are disagreeing about. Don't use the money argument if it's really your need to be right next to them and his need for more autonomy.
    You cannot predict how things are going to go until you live it.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    I predict that this is a one and done thread 😋
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    You cannot predict how things are going to go until you live it.

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  6. #25
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    I predict that this is a one and done thread 😋
    Indeed.....

  7. #26
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Another hit and run OP.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    My husband is so upset and is desperate to move because he feels he doesn't have a say in what goes on here.
    I'd show care and support for husband's feelings even while I'd suggest that if he can find a more suitable home that aligns with our agreed goals of saving for a down payment on a permanent home, I'd be willing to view and consider that property.

    What would you have to lose?

    This puts the onus on husband to solve his own problem rather than accepting an unnecessary onus on you to attempt 'control' over loved ones without harming your relationship with them. (That won't work.)

    If husband comes up with properties he'd like you to see, I'd keep an open mind and go look. Point out all the positives of the property while viewing it. Review all of those positives in private with husband, and allow him to weigh those points with any monetary or other points that you'd like him to consider.

    Negotiate between the two of you all of the pros or the cons of moving to the new targeted property. Learn how that shakes out before digging in your heels to squelch an open mind.

    Deciding up front that you won't even consider husband's wishes does nothing for your case--or your marriage. It just raises resentment in both of you that needn't be there.

    Instead, try partnering WITH your partner to explore all options before deciding where you want to stand, ultimately, and why.

    Often the appearance of being reasonable is more important than actually being reasonable. You may find that husband teaches himSELF the down sides of moving just by researching to find his fantasy 'better' situation. Wouldn't it be great for husband to resolve his own issues by learning true market realities with your support rather than negating his desires and keeping him in a perpetual resentment?

    Head high, and be smart. Everyone will get a win out of that.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Often the appearance of being reasonable is more important than actually being reasonable. You may find that husband teaches himSELF the down sides of moving just by researching to find his fantasy 'better' situation. Wouldn't it be great for husband to resolve his own issues by learning true market realities with your support rather than negating his desires and keeping him in a perpetual resentment?
    I forgot to mention that my Dad used this technique of 'self teaching' on me to neutralize my problems with my Mother as I turned 18. He said, "I understand why you want to move, and if you can find a place that you love and can reasonably afford, bring me the listing. We'll visit it together, and if you can show me how you'll pay the rent for a year, I'll pay the first month plus security."

    I never did find that property... but HE came out looking like a hero.

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