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Thread: Our neighbors are my parents!

  1. #11
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    What happened when someone rented the house? Did they just walk in.

    I would start locking your doors during the day while you are home. You need to "train them". Keep the doors locked and meet them at the door.
    . A simple "EEEKK I am changing!!" when you hear the door opening could do it.
    Honestly, though, you need to have a conversation with your parents. "Mom, dad, I know you are just walking right in, but we are a married couple and would like our privacy.
    We appreciate you allowing us to live here, but with paying rent, we have some expectation of privacy. We love to see you, but we need our space. Please call and find out when its a good time to visit.

    Also, ask if the pottery can be moved out of the garage.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    The fact that it is your parents property means they have every right to do as they please. I can totally understand why your husband feels the way he does but there are only two options: 1) ... learn to accept that this is how it's going to be for as long as you live there. Or 2) .... Find your own place.

    You also say: ..."I don't want to move again!" Do you mean you want to live there, on your parents property for the rest of your life? If so, is your husband aware of this? If not, maybe it's time you tell him. This could make or break your relationship/marriage.
    No they do not. My guy's parents have a rental property adjacent to theirs and the renter is entitled to peaceful enjoyment of the house whether they rent it to someone a real estate agent found, a coworker, a family member. They can enter in an emergency (they see smoke coming from the house, pipe bursts) but otherwise need to give notice. They do not just walk in. They do mow the lawn when someone lives there can't (is not able bodied) but its not random, its a certain day of the week.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You might be comfortable because these are your parents, but what you are describing for most people would be a living nightmare to deal with and not worth the savings in lesser rent.

    As for you trying to set boundaries with your parents, not only is it going to be an uphill battle, but liable to cause some really bad blood between you. In that respect, your husband is absolutely correct that moving is the best option here even if it costs more in rent. It will keep the peace all around and ultimately be money well spent.

    When you got married, you agreed to build your own life and family. Time for you to focus on your marriage and what's best for your relationship. Emphasis on relationship. Saving for a house is all good and well, but your savings won't do you much good when you are spending that on divorce lawyers instead. Time to leave your parents and cut the apron strings. Focus on the health of your marriage and your relationship instead of buying a house. House will come and whether it's a bit sooner or later is not that important.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm not sure if I'm understanding this correctly. Your husband is upset about your parents finishing work that he doesn't finish?

    Why doesn't he just finish the job or start early in the morning and finish it by the evening with breaks inbetween? I'm thinking of the tilling here in the yard.

    I think both of you as a couple need to sit down and listen and communicate with one another. Work this out in a less heated and ultimatum-y fashion.

    It sounds like your parents and your husband have different work ethic and on top of that your parents are retired? Semi-retired? They may have much more time on their hands than you or your partner.

    Bring the resentments down a little by communicating things out and find ways to compromise.

    To me, this sounds more like a time management issue and disorganization/miscommunication. It can be helped.

    Once the both of you are calm you might want to talk about what parts of the house are just yours and your husband's. Create some boundaries, theoretically and physically!

    Stay calm. Be kind to one another! You're family.
    I took it to mean that he put some bushes in and then took a break - or was doing a big project over a few days. I have done that where i unload the plants when i get home after work and then do it the next day. If i take several days to clean up, plant and mulch -- who cares.

    She needs to set boundaries with them. They MUST knock. That is common courtesy. They PAY RENT. she can say "we love to see you but please knock. I understand you own this, but we are paying rent and would like to not have to be "guest ready at all times"

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You both need a compromise.....if you want to stay you need to set some boundaries with your parents. That space is YOUR space, not your parents when you are living there. They may have an open door policy but that's not for you and your husband. Communication is key here. Talk to your parents. Let them know you really appreciate their generosity, but you and your husband need some privacy and not comfortable with this open door policy. If they don't accept it, then you will have no choice but to move. I'm a private person and me personally would rather live in a one bedroom apartment with my sanity, rather than deal with communal living.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I took it to mean that he put some bushes in and then took a break - or was doing a big project over a few days. I have done that where i unload the plants when i get home after work and then do it the next day. If i take several days to clean up, plant and mulch -- who cares.
    This I agree with 100%. If a project absolutely needs finishing in a single go, I'll tackle it for 12 straight hours. If it doesn't, I'll do it on my own time and at my own leisure. Renovating the basement, I was fine doing some framing as I felt like it. Ended up being over the course of a couple weeks. When it came time to run wire, you better believe I was knocking out the whole floor plan that day instead of dealing with cutting off power to the house intermittently the whole week, admittedly for my wife's sanity more than my own. Same sentiment goes into yard work or pretty much anything else I'm not being paid to do and during my own time.

    She needs to set boundaries with them. They MUST knock. That is common courtesy. They PAY RENT. she can say "we love to see you but please knock. I understand you own this, but we are paying rent and would like to not have to be "guest ready at all times"
    My interpretation wasn't that they are necessarily coming into the actual dwelling without knocking, just accessing the garage they've got stuff stored in. I don't know how much the OP is paying. but from the sound of it (while understanding city apartment rentals are going to run higher despite the lack of amenities), they're not paying market rate if they're saving enough to where it's worth it. My guess is it was an informal "just toss a few hundred our way for upkeep and we'll let you stay here and save" deal.

    Not to necessarily say whether or not the OP should put her foot down and tell dad to ask permission before accessing the garage, but it's worth thinking about whether it makes the situation any more redeemable sitting mom and dad down and drawing out a formal lease dictating who has access to what and which part of the property for the amount of money OP and her husband are paying. My guess is if OP wants to be treated as a tenant, they'll either oblige at the expense of some familial strain and possibly higher rent, or they'll prefer actually renting out to people they can get more money from and under more definite terms so long as that's going to be the environment anyway.

    But maybe I'm wrong and the OP is getting the shaft paying a fair market rate and while not enjoying some liberties of her own under the present dynamic. Would be a good point for clarification.
    Last edited by j.man; 06-24-2020 at 11:40 AM.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What happened recently that irritates him if he was ok with the whole idea in the beginning and for the following 1.5 yrs? Was there a timeline for saving to rent elsewhere ever established? Is it the money or the proximity to your parents that you are disagreeing about. Don't use the money argument if it's really your need to be right next to them and his need for more autonomy.
    Originally Posted by alliekat123
    a year and a half ago-- my husband and I are wanting to save for our own property. far less expensive than any apartment we've rented previously.

    My parents often walk over to our house and into the garages because much of their lawn equipment and hobby equipment is over here.

    My husband is so upset and is desperate to move because he feels he doesn't have a say in what goes on here.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    OP is not going to "train", change, or otherwise talk her parents into being different people from who they've been their entire lives. Any attempt at that is liable to lead to a whole lot of hurt feelings, tensions, and resentments. People without boundaries do not understand boundaries and will get offended if you assert them. Yes, they might be very different with complete strangers, but when it comes to family and friends, the whole my house is your house and your house is my house is pretty impossible to override short of moving away and good locks.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Invite them over for dinner and have a calm, intelligent, mature discussion with your parents regarding requests for notifications BEFORE they visit you and let them know you or your husband will decide if it's a good time or not. Or, invite them for coffee or tea and have a talk with them. Remain polite though. Don't approach them harshly because they're saving you and your husband a lot of money every month. Be respectful and kind otherwise a heated argument will ensue and do you want that? Sound grateful and show gratitude. Tell them you love them dearly. However, you and your husband need time and mutual space afforded to everyone out of respect and consideration.

    If this problem cannot be resolved in a mature way, then move and rent elsewhere because your money spent on higher rent will be the peace of mind, common courtesy and privacy you and your husband desire. Keep in mind, the discount you're receiving every month on your parents' property is not "for free." Nothing in life is free nor at a discount. You will pay the price in other ways such as lack of freedom of choice. Remember that. That's the catch or in other words, the sacrifice.

  11. #20
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    The father in law is NOT walking into the house unannounced.

    He is simply using his OWN garage that is attached to both properties.

    The OP and her husband are renting the house (cheaply) , not the property but are allowed to use the property despite not renting it for their dog etc. He should be grateful!

    There should be no discussion between husband and father in law , husband telling his father in law that he can not use his own garage??! That is absurd.

    This is not a father in law / son in law issue at all.
    This is simply the son in law wanting his cake and eat it too.

    Husband is super ungrateful. End of story.
    And if he is not happy with his cheap rent on a house plus the bonus of being able to use land he is not renting , then yes he can rent elsewhere but at what cost?

    He sounds like a fool to me.

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