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Thread: Am I wasting my time?

  1. #51
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Needtobelove
    Phone is definitely broken set me a photo of it honestly this man does not lie about anything he is about as forthcoming and honest as he possibly can be I never have to worry that there are any excuses or lies coming out of his mouth
    ....Ummm....did you ask for proof or something? If you didn't ask or there is some other context there that would make sense, then I'm sorry but sending you a pic to prove his phone is broken is odd behavior to say the least. It's a little over the top to put it politely and should raise an eyebrow for you instead of being proof of his honesty.

    Also, please don't bs yourself that a 50 year old man just doesn't know how to be in a relationship. He does and he was married for 8 years, still IS married. If his wife is stage 4 cancer, it makes sense she went home to possibly get better/specialized medical care and be closer to her family and help. Note that he is badmouthing someone who is literally dying.....

    The more you post about him, the more red flags you are raising.....

  2. #52
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Don't have expectations that he will ever change for you because he won't. He is who he is and you either have to grudgingly accept his personality as is or exit the relationship. At only 4 months, give your relationship a chance since your relationship with him is still relatively new. After several more months, reevaluate and assess. If you're still dissatisfied with his lack of initiative and motivation to be demonstrative with his words, then determine how much longer you're willing to tolerate this relationship.

    As for charming people, they'll flatter you and when it's excessive flattery, it is unnatural and insincere which is pretentious. Whenever charming behavior goes to the extreme, it is dangerous because then it is deceitful, phony and fake. Some charmers go so far as to manipulate you so just make sure your radar is up and beware of any over zealous behavior. Know the difference between occasional compliments and charming behavior. Be smart.

    I too have experience with several narcissists and know all about classic gaslighting tactics which they'll attack you with and their mind games. It's quite the head trip.

    Your boyfriend's timid behavior will bother you later if his lack of demonstrative initiative remains after 4 months and beyond. Either accept the way he is or choose a man who is similar to your boyfriend PLUS takes the initiative to give you the demonstration you desire. Ultimately, the choice is yours. Keep him or leave him.

  3. #53
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    So he is dealing with the serious illness of his wife? How much do you really know about him? Try not to focus this much on "is he into me", "am I attractive", and focus on if this is a situation worth pursuing in general. You seem ok with casual dating, much like someone in the throes of divorce simply seeking companionship and sex and in your case validation and licking your wounds from the separation. But this need for flattery, being so into you, etc is what landed you in the laps of narcissists.
    Originally Posted by Needtobelove
    The other partner has stage 4 cancer he speaks with her when she calls

  4. #54
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Why are you still married? There seems to be a ton of unfinished business for both of you.

    If you marriage has been all sorted out then why haven't you and your ex finalized it?


    Or did I miss something...

    Lost

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  6. #55
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If he's telling the truth about everything, there's a lot there going on.

    Slow it way down. Take your time getting to know him. I think he has unfinished business with his ex-wife. If she doesn't have any other support, you're looking at being compassionate and a third wheel. He may need a friend much more than a girlfriend.

    Be a friend, take a big step away from the romance.

    The cancer was a missing piece of the puzzle but it makes sense to me now why he's emotionally void or spent.

    Refocus, straighten out your own personal life (get that divorce finalized). It has to be done. Close chapter. Move forwards.

    Let things unfold with this person naturally and if it's not moving at the pace you want, you'll have to make a decision whether it's healthy for you to stay. Don't parent him through his grief or become therapist and become resentful you're not getting enough affection back. He sounds depleted. Empty. The tank is empty. Go easy.

    Take care of yourself.

  7. #56
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Ummm....did you ask for proof or something? If you didn't ask or there is some other context there that would make sense, then I'm sorry but sending you a pic to prove his phone is broken is odd behavior to say the least. It's a little over the top to put it politely and should raise an eyebrow for you instead of being proof of his honesty.

    Also, please don't bs yourself that a 50 year old man just doesn't know how to be in a relationship. He does and he was married for 8 years, still IS married. If his wife is stage 4 cancer, it makes sense she went home to possibly get better/specialized medical care and be closer to her family and help. Note that he is badmouthing someone who is literally dying.....

    The more you post about him, the more red flags you are raising....
    ALL OF THIS.

    Let's just say for a moment that his ex (if she's an ex) is really sick. Him chatting to another lady while his current is asleep, might seem like something to fill in the gaps or help him deal with his upset/sadness?
    I mean, it's not impossible.

    As for the phone, it's weird. It literally takes less than one afternoon to go get a phone, get it set up and be back to messaging,etc.

    And yes, he is well versed on how to be with a woman. He dated, slept with and married someone. Plus he's 50...you're kidding yourself if you think he is clueless or just needs time to sort out how to treat a woman or is "too shy and awkward". It's a very manipulative excuse.

    Though back to his ex? it would make sense for him to be holding back if you're just the side piece right now.

    Please open your eyes and really start noticing what's going on here. His whole situation sounds more than a bit off. Honestly, I think you're being played.

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