Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 4 of 6 FirstFirst 123456 LastLast
Results 31 to 40 of 56

Thread: Am I wasting my time?

  1. #31
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    39,585
    Gender
    Male
    If he is married and you are filling in until she returns, end it.
    Originally Posted by Needtobelove
    he was about 42 when he got married no children. She is now back overseas and has been for the last year they are separated and he has no intentions of rekindling that relationship.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    2,056
    Gender
    Female
    Look, OP, there are people, both male and female who do this for me every day and I am not involved with them

    "Never a day goes by that he doesn’t say good morning and good night. He always messages throughout the day and is concerned for my well-being, "



    For whatever reasons, yet to be untangled, I fear this man is not it for you.

    "..but he is unable to share anything other than say if he didn’t have feelings for me, he would not want to be with me. "



    Hearing that is rather like drinking watery coffee!

  3. #33
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    10,951
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Needtobelove
    Thank you everyone for such valuable advice and opinions. I really do appreciate all of your thoughts surrounding my relationship with my partner.

    When I say that our personalities are the same, we get along really well, we have the same views and thoughts on a lot of things the only difference right now is how we view relationships that is the only area where we are different.

    I have been divorced for five years. I tried dating for three of those five years only to be met with narcissists who basically gaslighted me so they were the ones who were telling me everything I wanted to hear. It took me two years being single to finally value my worth and to spend time on me focussing on what was important. I was not looking for someone we just happened to meet each other it was his decision to ask me to be in an exclusive relationship.

    He got married very quickly to someone who financially destroyed him I think he felt that he didn't want to be alone anymore so he settled. I believe he was about 42 when he got married no children. She is now back overseas and has been for the last year and a bit they are separated and he has no intentions of rekindling that relationship. i too settled in my marriage and parted ways on amicable terms

    I have a grown son who does not live at home so essentially we live alone in separate homes both professionals. He works away from home off and on so we see each other when we can. As I said the relationship is very comfortable but unfortunately my insecurities, I am having difficulty controlling. When I met him, I was very confident that was one of the things that he was attracted to. Since then as I have stated, he is not the type of person to outwardly show his affection and feelings. He's very shy and extremely insecure about himself. I do everything to go out of my way to make him feel good about himself. I am very much a nurturer always looking out for everyone else but I know that I need to take a step back and let him pursue. It's easy to get lazy or feel like you don't have to do anything when the other person is making all the effort.

    He makes the effort to always message to let me know where he is, if he'll be late. Wants to do activities together, like working out, fishing etc and always is supportive and willing to listen if I need to talk he just has a hard time talking about feelings so I am completely at a loss. Honestly I think I need to just scale it back on the feelings and relationship talk and just let him be the one to feel he has the opportunity to grow with me without feeling pressure. Thoughts?

    I honestly don't feel he is out to waste my time
    OP, the right man, the right relationship will make you feel more confident, more secure, more happy, more safe, but NEVER the opposite. You are feeling less secure, insecure and that's your big red flag that you shouldn't be ignoring.

    You mention that you often get tangled up with narcissists - meaning awful one sided relationships. Guess what you are describing here? Another one sided relationship. I'm not calling this guy a narcissist or even bad, I am pointing out the one sided dynamic. You are turning yourself inside out to make him feel good, comfortable, loved, etc. What is he doing? Telling you that if you stay or go, all cool with him. Does that sound like someone who reciprocates? You are also making a lot of excuses for his cold behavior - oh he is just so shy, oh he must be damaged from his ex, oh....or maybe it's just who he is.

    You are also doing something else that is not good - blaming yourself. Well if only I stop wanting, stop doing, step back maybe he'll change.

    I'm afraid that your picker is still broken. Lots of men will go fishing, many of them are going to be genuine and affectionate because that's who they are. Hobbies in common do not a relationship make. You are focusing on the superficial and ignoring some pretty glaring red flags.

    On top of all that, he isn't divorced and no matter what he claims to you about being done with her....... You have no idea why their marriage exploded like that and why she left him like that but you are liable to find out the hard way.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    2,056
    Gender
    Female
    Yes DF.

    You make a massively important point:

    "On top of all that, he isn't divorced and no matter what he claims to you about being done with her....... You have no idea why their marriage exploded like that and why she left him like that but you are liable to find out the hard way."


    OP, if the not yet ex took him to the cleaners then one has to ask "if so, why so".

  5.  

  6. #35
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    11,095
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    At four months shouldn't this still be the honeymoon phase? This is the time when it is all new and you both can't wait to see each other, hold and kiss each other and express just how much you care.
    Absolutely!!

    But. . .I am just going to speak from experience here and though I may be feeling these exact things, I don't let them drive the bus. I've been tripped up enough times to know that that initial honeymoon high can lead you down the wrong path and at about the 6 month mark when the high fades you are likely to find yourself standing in front of someone and something totally different.

    I dated someone who got way ahead of me early on. Though I liked him from the start and we were having a great time together, the pressure of the 'I love you's, 'what are we? and the constant need for reassurance became the overriding theme

    It was killing any budding feelings I had for him. I felt somewhat forced. I shared with him that I was in it for all the right reasons and I wanted the same thing he did, but the pressure, even indirectly caused me to pump the breaks and second guess things.

    He seemed to get more insecure, more impatient and ultimately I ended it because this dynamic pretty much squashed any potential and growing feelings I did have for him. Everytime I challenged myself to catch up (before I was ready) he just moved the goal posts that much further ahead.

    Had he just relaxed and let me catch up the outcome might have been different.

    I only share this story because it makes me wonder if that's what's going on for the OP. I may be wrong but I thought it was worth sharing.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    39,585
    Gender
    Male
    It sounds like you are spending your time doing this until you get bored. He seems quite lukewarm about the whole thing.

    It may be best to end things and retool your dating profile, social life, social media, etc. This seems like a lot of apathetic coasting along on both ends.

    Try not to go back to the other narcissist-attracting extreme of flattery, fireworks rainbows unicorns 😍 🎉🌈🦄 etc and strive for something more than apathy but less than a rom-com. Make sure your dating life is not about correcting mistakes from your marriage or midlife crisis.
    Originally Posted by Needtobelove
    he understands if we need to part ways.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    51,794
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Absolutely!!

    But. . .I am just going to speak from experience here and though I may be feeling these exact things, I don't let them drive the bus. I've been tripped up enough times to know that that initial honeymoon high can lead you down the wrong path and at about the 6 month mark when the high fades you are likely to find yourself standing in front of someone and something totally different.

    I dated someone who got way ahead of me early on. Though I liked him from the start and we were having a great time together, the pressure of the 'I love you's, 'what are we? and the constant need for reassurance became the overriding theme

    It was killing any budding feelings I had for him. I felt somewhat forced. I shared with him that I was in it for all the right reasons and I wanted the same thing he did, but the pressure, even indirectly caused me to pump the breaks and second guess things.

    He seemed to get more insecure, more impatient and ultimately I ended it because this dynamic pretty much squashed any potential and growing feelings I did have for him. Everytime I challenged myself to catch up (before I was ready) he just moved the goal posts that much further ahead.

    Had he just relaxed and let me catch up the outcome might have been different.

    I only share this story because it makes me wonder if that's what's going on for the OP. I may be wrong but I thought it was worth sharing.
    I experienced the same thing. Some would say it's simply because I wasn't that into him. But sometimes it squashes the potential and sometimes one person just needs more time to catch up.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    2,056
    Gender
    Female
    Fair enough, OP

    "I was not looking for someone we just happened to meet each other it was his decision to ask me to be in an exclusive relationship."

    However, it may be time to call it a day on this one.

    And this is commendable:

    "It took me two years being single to finally value my worth and to spend time on me focussing on what was important"

    Which is why you are intuitively having doubts about this one.

  10. #39
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    9
    Well he broke his phone couple of days ago she's got access to nothing so he reached out to me through another friend's Facebook account to let me know what happened nobody else knows except me he has contact me everyday up at the camp through a payphone just to speak with me in the evening anyways he is going to be home this evening and asked me to come over as soon as he gets home obviously he wants to see me but I'll let you know and keep you posted how things go as I mentioned I'm going to see if he initiates the hug and kiss with me when I walk through the door have I mentioned I always initiate everything so now I want to take a step back. I'm conflicted because in a lot of ways He does care and he said that it hurts that I think that he doesn't given arse about our relationship when I completely wrong about that he does not feel us as buddies. He stated that he's not good with words and he's really trying hard



    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Yes, take a small step back. If you feel like he's a good man and you want to see where it's going, take care of yourself first and foremost.

    You know how they say - when you're in a plane going down or there's turbulence, put your own oxygen mask on first and then help others around you.

    Put on your oxygen mask! Take care of you.

    Engage in all the things you love doing and make time for yourself also. I feel like you're losing your sparkle trying so hard in this relationship.

    Enjoy the ride. Love and all this should be enjoyed. Rest back and let him take the reins now and then.
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    It's interesting how you say that you have similar personalities and then proceed to describe how you have practically opposite personalities. Do you not see that?

    Anyway, you can't turn a donkey into a horse. He is not effusive, verbal, or touchy feely. If that's what you need to feel loved, it's not the right man for you. It's only been 4 months and that's why we date - to figure out compatibility. It doesn't sound like you are very happy or very compatible with him so maybe best to cut your losses and move on someone who actually is more similar to you. Someone you can relate with more easily.

    Even if you two try to stick it out and make it work, it will always be a relationship filled with misunderstandings, insecurities, and hurt feelings because you two are way too different in how you express yourselves. A case of initially opposites attract but then they clash.
    Originally Posted by Eliza50
    I think that 4 months is enough time to know whether you're compatible or not. At this early stage, you should be happy, not wondering if you should ''lower your expectations''. He could be a perfectly nice guy in every way but, still, not the one for you. It's a matter of different personalities and I don't think it's something you or he can change. Frankly, I think you're too young to settle for someone who doesn't give you what you want.
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    In the early days—the days you’re in—I think it’s kind of just about being honest about how the flow feels rather than “trying” to go with it. You either can, or can’t, in short. That’s kind of what dating is about: not an endurance test of flows that don’t feel right, but a search for the flow in which you can, well, flow.

    If he’s not supplying you with the kind of sparkles you need to feel sparkly and secure? And if prodding him to offer more still leaves you thirsty and frustrated? Well, I kind of agree with him that it’s on you to be honest—with yourself—about whether what he brings to the table is enough. Or not. That’s him showing you respect, while asking you to respect him for who he is, not who you’d wish him to be.

    I’d take a minute to decide what you want and need: someone who is naturally emotionally effusive or someone you can see if you can alter into being more effusive; a romance that feels like an endurance test, or one that feels like an adventure. Answer that question in the calm of your mind and you may find the answer you’re looking for here.
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Imagine being in a relationship with him for 10 years, with him being exactly as he is now. Does that make you feel warm, content, satisfied? Or does it make you feel a bit sad, or frustrated or disappointed?

    He will not "change". Neither should you.

    You two are incompatible. Don't stay and then complain you're not happy because he is being very transparent.

    See my signature line.
    Originally Posted by limichelle
    I agree. You both are riding on opposite waves of what you need in regards to affection. It’s only four months in which is good, because you haven’t invested in too much time.
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he cares, but is not good at verbal affection. How does he treat you? Do you have fun on dates and get a long? New relationships are not really for affirmations, so there is something else bothering you. Including a sort of insecurity that he will bolt.

    At 16 weeks no one can forecast a future, and exclusive is usually a sign that things are going ok. The best thing to do is stop all the relationship talks and enjoy what it is for what it is so you can better observe compatibility rather than try to elicit reassurances, compliments and verbal affirmations.

    Do not make veiled innuendos about 'buddies' or 'lower expectations'. You are complaining, not expressing feelings, with that. Pull way back so you can see what this looks like without the prompting.
    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Like I always say, this is why we date...to see what they are like and how they treat us. Not initiating on the level you need is not fulfilling your expectations...this is a deal breaker is it not?
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I know being single is tough... I am single! Being single, I've gotten ton of unsolicited advice about being too picky, expecting too much, all the good ones are taken... Be open, my husband, I didn't even like.... Lol

    So we hear that stuff. Mix in whatever your own thoughts are.... Then we meet someone and nothing is really wrong with them. But there is something.... not quite right. But again, back to being single, wanting a loving relationship, we're thinking... Ok I got one on the hook, how do I make this what I want. How long do I wait, how much do I tolerate to get to that happy place?

    First off, I always say to those, who would willingly, set me up, with any single male, based on, us both being single, please don't. We're not socks. Haha

    So here is what I ask you.... Behind door number two, is the guy you dream of.... Do you stay with your guy or do you head for the door?

    Not everyone gets dumped bc they are a loser. Some are simply not the winner.

    And more specific to your guy, that whole, "I understand if I'm not enough and you want move on" is a red flag. You're right. You are paying the price for his ex. And honestly, what does he bring, that he deserves such understanding and a free pass? We all have been through a lot and are trying to make better choices... But in some respect, that is not what love and romance is.

    I think you're wasting your time. You've made your needs known. That's all you can do. He's basically told you, don't expect anything more than a "of course I like you, I would not be here if I didn't." That's him being emotionally unavailable to you. And when someone tell you who they are, we believe them. Right?

    Cut this guy loose... When he's willing to step out of his comfy zone, maybe you'll still be interested. Maybe you'll be behind door number 2 with someone GREAT. But at least you aren't being held at arms length.
    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Indeed Lambert!

    "that whole, "I understand if I'm not enough and you want move on" is a red flag. You're right. You are paying the price for his ex."

    Truth to tell he doesn't sound wildly enthusiastic, not overly worried whether you stay or go. Some people are not the flowery and fulsome romaaaantic types, but that is not the point here.

    Something seems to have stunted and shackled him badly in his marriage, for him to have this inability to show emotion.

    "I'm sorry I'll try harder." I'd hate to hear that. Sounds like someone who gets bad marks in geometry and is contrite.

    It isn't good enough, OP.
    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    If he's not good enough for you, then yes, you're wasting your time. If you want a man who is more demonstrative especially with initiating words and your partner of 4 months is deficient in the word department, then yes, you're wasting your time.

    I do want to say that you should be alarmed by charming personalities. I've known men who are charming, know all the right words to say at the right time yet underneath their pretentious veneer lies a scary character. Some charming men hide their shady character which you won't know until later. Charming men or charming people in general are extremely deceitful. Beware. Just make sure your radar is up.

    Sometimes, what you see is what you get is better because it's more sincere even if a man isn't adept with his wording and initiative. An over zealous man is a red flag IMHO.

    I've been married for a very long time and my husband is on the quiet side. He's not overly demonstrative either. However, I'm perfectly content with his demeanor because he expresses his sincere love to me in other ways which I'm eternally grateful for. Examples: He helps me with EVERYTHING whether it's the house (cooking, cleaning, errands) or the kids. I can always count on him. It's a relief to defer to him. I prefer a doer instead of a talker full of hot air. Talk is cheap IMHO. However, I'm not you and I see your point, too.

    Since your partner doesn't check all the boxes, think of him as short term. You won't be happy later if he still remains the same and doesn't initiate nor whisper sweet nothings in your ear. Or, you can be grateful for the man he is and feel secure knowing you respect and trust the qualities he has to offer you.

    Also, keep in mind, this is not his first rodeo. He's been married before and his enthusiasm the second time around is not as exciting as his dating phase with his first wife. At age 50, he's tired so perhaps this is why he's so "blah" with you. He's also more cautious and taking things slower.

    At 4 months, give him a few more months. If you're still unhappy at that point, then part ways, move on and find a man who is compatible to your personality and preferences.
    Originally Posted by limichelle
    [B]

    I agree with the charming personalities being a front in most cases. My Late Grandfather, a horrible person whom I never met supposedly had a very charming personality. He was manipulating, abusive and cheated on my Grandmother any chance he got! In fact he knocked up another woman while still married to her. He’s one example but I can think of plenty more.

    You don’t want someone to just tell you what you want to hear but if you’re also just not feeling it my advice still stands. Don’t settle for just okay.
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    He sounds like a quiet man who doesn't express his emotions much and isn't one to initiate or do the things you hoped he would.

    That doesn't make him "bad" but he's not as you viewed an "ideal" partner to be. Your expectations don't match his personality and unfortunately, you either are going to have to accept it and accept that this is how he is, or don't accept it and let him go.

    There is no other way about it. But forcing him to change, expecting him to, guilting him, getting upset over it, is only going to make both of you miserable.

    Ask yourself this question: "If he never changes and I am going to have to live with how he is, the rest of my life, will I be happy?" Then decide what to do accordingly.
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    You are only 4 months in, you are pushing. He is right, it's too early to know for certain how one feels or where it might go. I know you might think you know for sure, etc, but 4 months is very early on and the majority of people wouldn't be sure. It's too rushed to know someone this quickly or know where it might lead.

    I didn't realize how short your relationship has actually been. Had you said he's been acting this way a year after dating then I would say there's a definite incompatibility issue.
    But 4 months in? You are expecting too much and are rushing things.

    Give him time to develop stronger feelings for you, to create a stronger foundation with you, then maybe you will see for sure how he actually expresses, etc.
    But in my opinion, you're jumping the gun right now.
    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Thanks limichelle. I agree with charming personalities, too. Your late grandfather was definitely a charmer. My late father was a charmer, a real life of the party guy, made everyone laugh and he was socially very attractive. Then his Jekkyl 'n Hyde personality came out as an alcoholic wife beater to my mother. Charming people are pretentious and incredibly deceitful. If some people are too good to be true, they are. Beware of over zealous types. They only tell you what you want to hear because they want something from you, want to control (manipulate) you or both.

    Shop around.
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I am on the fence about this one. I agree that if you need someone more demonstrative, then you should move on and find someone different.

    I also think in the scheme of things 4 months is a very short time, for some. I've had enough experiences in my life that I don't trust what I am feeling in the first 4 months. I also don't think by taking my time I am exercizing my issues out on my partner either. I might very well be like your guy. . if I am not moving fast enough for them then I'd be ok with them moving on otherwise. I can't be rushed into something.

    My current bf and I didn't exchange I love you's until the 6 month mark. But that's us. Our pace seemed to match each other. We weren't in a hurry to get anywhere and believed that things that are worth while often take time.
    Is it possible that your level of interest is what causes him to hesitate? Then that may be something to think about. It's a little intimidating when the other person gets too far ahead of you. You start second guessing if you could ever catch up.

    All in all, it probably doesn't make him a bad guy. He may be very well worth the wait but you won't know if you don't reign it in a little and give the guy the opportunity to catch up.

    I am not there. From here it's hard to tell if this is worth sticking it out for. Only you will know.
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Four months is very short. That's almost the entire time from March to end of June (when pandemic and lockdowns started becoming the norm). Are you sure other stresses aren't a part of this?

    What are your respective family commitments like? Does he have kids he's still responsible for in college/uni? In and out of the house?

    Is he renting after his divorce? How long has he been divorced or separated? How long have you been single?

    What are your employment situations like? Are both of you self-sufficient? Is he dealing with any alimony or child support?

    When you meet someone later in life there are all kinds of questions and especially so now with 2020 being year that it has been.

    I don't know what your personal situations are like. Keep an open mind. Be patient like SherrySher says. If you know, without a doubt, and can check off all those boxes of outside stresses and issues that may be weighing on both your minds, then no, I don't think this will work. In an ideal situation, four months in shouldn't feel like this.

    I agree with Hermes too by the way that something might have stunted him in the marriage. I know what that feels like.

    Keep us updated.
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    He'll either step up the way you want or he won't.

    Either way, you'll be fine. You're an independent professional woman, you won't be destroyed if you choose to stop seeing him.
    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    At four months shouldn't this still be the honeymoon phase? This is the time when it is all new and you both can't wait to see each other, hold and kiss each other and express just how much you care.

    I think you found a guy that does not know how to be in a relationship with a woman. He was single for a long time then married at 42, it didn't work and now he is even more guarded than he was. I don't see him improving which is sad because he is going to regret losing you.

    Men do not show their emotions like women, they do not express them as freely nor to they understand many of the emotional needs of women but you clearly stated your needs and tried to make him feel safe to express his feelings and all you got was promises and a vague reference to see how it goes.

    You are doing all the heavy lifting and you will sooner or later get tired and burned out and dump him. The question is when it will happen not if it will happen.

    The fact that you are here means you are getting close to doing what you know needs to be done. He has already told you if you dump him over this he would understand. Does that sound like a man that is willing to fight to keep you?

    I am sorry I know it is so hard to meet someone ( I have been searching for years) but being single is better than living like this isn't it?

    Best wishes
    Lost
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    What struck me in your recent post is that you say you were confident before you met him, but in a very short time of getting to know him you are now feeling less than confident, less than stable, increasingly insecure. This is just me, but when I was dating? I was looking for someone who made me feel more of my natural state, not less, particularly in the early days when the stakes are invariably low. I used that idea as a gauge of things far more than things like another's "effort," since I'm a believer that the everyone, at all times, in all scenarios, exerts all the effort they're capable of. It's on us to decide if that meets us on the level we need to me met on, or not.

    As we get older we invariably bring more complexity to the table: big lives, big pasts, tighter emotional knots, a bounty of experience positive and negative, qualities that make for more interesting people but that can make connectivity a greater challenge. You know yourself better than us—and better than him—so only you can decide if it's worth continuing to feel this out, to see if you can take a few small steps back, or just stay still, and culture the juju you need for stability on your own while also gauging the level of "click" here. How hard you want it all to be, and feel, is something you are in full control of—in the early days, in all the days.

    My girlfriend and I are both affectionate people, articulate when it comes to feelings. At the same time? We are people who have been deemed by others, particularly in romantic contexts, as "distant" and "hard to read." Neither of us have had to make an "effort" to curb the latter qualities with or for the other, which I think says a lot about our compatibility, maybe more than the fact that we both like to hike, to cook, to discuss books. The joy of those activities would be pretty minimal if I spent them feeling she was distant, or she spent them struggling to read me.

    It's always good to check in with ourselves, to take a deep breath so we can see about enjoying the ride. But it's also good to accept that not every ride can be enjoyed. You sound like an awesome human, with a strong inner compass. You'll find your answers sooner than later—have faith in that, while you exhale and explore.
    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Now, now, don't come down so hard on us charming people!

    For the record:
    "A charming person is someone who can be okay even when external factors, such as the surroundings and environment, are challenging," says psychologist Dr. Iris Pachler over email. "They're able to find peace and strength from within and also have the ability to be flexible and accepting no matter the situation."

    Manipulative charm is another matter entirely. Spurious charm, the pathological variety, as in "Prince (c)Harming".

    I don't think the OP wants one extreme (gushing, constant embraces, fulsome compliments 24/7 etc.) but simple recognition on the part of this man and some demonstration of affection, as she describes in her OP.

    So OP remarks:

    "He got married very quickly to someone who financially destroyed him I think he felt that he didn't want to be alone anymore so he settled"


    Very bad idea to get married in order not to be alone. But anyhow.

    He isn't the first and won't be the last to be financially destroyed (by whatever and whoever), so at fifty years of age he needs to be mature and resilient enough to get over that trauma. Meantime, you mention he is only separated? Another poster asked you this. Why is he not divorced? And perhaps there was more than financial trauma involved in that first marriage?

    There is nothing wrong with being a quiet type, a reliable type, a kind type, but here I am sensing he is simply unable to walk the walk at all, maybe not even due to the disasters of his marriage, but maybe even for reasons long before that, back in time. After all he was 42 when he first married.

    I recall once talking to someone who was breaking up disastrously. He was unable to be emotionally present with anyone. He said: "It's like asking a cripple to run a 200 km marathon, at speed".
    Or put differently, you can't take anything out of an empty bag.

    OP. He probably is trying, but you need to look long and hard at this situation.

    Take care.
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Absolutely!!

    But. . .I am just going to speak from experience here and though I may be feeling these exact things, I don't let them drive the bus. I've been tripped up enough times to know that that initial honeymoon high can lead you down the wrong path and at about the 6 month mark when the high fades you are likely to find yourself standing in front of someone and something totally different.

    I dated someone who got way ahead of me early on. Though I liked him from the start and we were having a great time together, the pressure of the 'I love you's, 'what are we? and the constant need for reassurance became the overriding theme

    It was killing any budding feelings I had for him. I felt somewhat forced. I shared with him that I was in it for all the right reasons and I wanted the same thing he did, but the pressure, even indirectly caused me to pump the breaks and second guess things.

    He seemed to get more insecure, more impatient and ultimately I ended it because this dynamic pretty much squashed any potential and growing feelings I did have for him. Everytime I challenged myself to catch up (before I was ready) he just moved the goal posts that much further ahead.

    Had he just relaxed and let me catch up the outcome might have been different.

    I only share this story because it makes me wonder if that's what's going on for the OP. I may be wrong but I thought it was worth sharing.

  11. #40
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    9
    Ps I am not sure why they haven't but she will not be returning to Canada and yes divorce papers should be filed but with that said I've been legally separated for 5 years and I have not done the divorce yet but I will be. He doesn't hide her in any way when he speaks with her on the phone I am present most times so I don't feel that there's any shadiness or anything to worry about there ultimately I just have somebody who has spent his entire life by himself who does not know how to have a proper relationship.

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Yes, take a small step back. If you feel like he's a good man and you want to see where it's going, take care of yourself first and foremost.

    You know how they say - when you're in a plane going down or there's turbulence, put your own oxygen mask on first and then help others around you.

    Put on your oxygen mask! Take care of you.

    Engage in all the things you love doing and make time for yourself also. I feel like you're losing your sparkle trying so hard in this relationship.

    Enjoy the ride. Love and all this should be enjoyed. Rest back and let him take the reins now and then.
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    It's interesting how you say that you have similar personalities and then proceed to describe how you have practically opposite personalities. Do you not see that?

    Anyway, you can't turn a donkey into a horse. He is not effusive, verbal, or touchy feely. If that's what you need to feel loved, it's not the right man for you. It's only been 4 months and that's why we date - to figure out compatibility. It doesn't sound like you are very happy or very compatible with him so maybe best to cut your losses and move on someone who actually is more similar to you. Someone you can relate with more easily.

    Even if you two try to stick it out and make it work, it will always be a relationship filled with misunderstandings, insecurities, and hurt feelings because you two are way too different in how you express yourselves. A case of initially opposites attract but then they clash.
    Originally Posted by Eliza50
    I think that 4 months is enough time to know whether you're compatible or not. At this early stage, you should be happy, not wondering if you should ''lower your expectations''. He could be a perfectly nice guy in every way but, still, not the one for you. It's a matter of different personalities and I don't think it's something you or he can change. Frankly, I think you're too young to settle for someone who doesn't give you what you want.
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    In the early days—the days you’re in—I think it’s kind of just about being honest about how the flow feels rather than “trying” to go with it. You either can, or can’t, in short. That’s kind of what dating is about: not an endurance test of flows that don’t feel right, but a search for the flow in which you can, well, flow.

    If he’s not supplying you with the kind of sparkles you need to feel sparkly and secure? And if prodding him to offer more still leaves you thirsty and frustrated? Well, I kind of agree with him that it’s on you to be honest—with yourself—about whether what he brings to the table is enough. Or not. That’s him showing you respect, while asking you to respect him for who he is, not who you’d wish him to be.

    I’d take a minute to decide what you want and need: someone who is naturally emotionally effusive or someone you can see if you can alter into being more effusive; a romance that feels like an endurance test, or one that feels like an adventure. Answer that question in the calm of your mind and you may find the answer you’re looking for here.
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Imagine being in a relationship with him for 10 years, with him being exactly as he is now. Does that make you feel warm, content, satisfied? Or does it make you feel a bit sad, or frustrated or disappointed?

    He will not "change". Neither should you.

    You two are incompatible. Don't stay and then complain you're not happy because he is being very transparent.

    See my signature line.
    Originally Posted by limichelle
    I agree. You both are riding on opposite waves of what you need in regards to affection. It’s only four months in which is good, because you haven’t invested in too much time.
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he cares, but is not good at verbal affection. How does he treat you? Do you have fun on dates and get a long? New relationships are not really for affirmations, so there is something else bothering you. Including a sort of insecurity that he will bolt.

    At 16 weeks no one can forecast a future, and exclusive is usually a sign that things are going ok. The best thing to do is stop all the relationship talks and enjoy what it is for what it is so you can better observe compatibility rather than try to elicit reassurances, compliments and verbal affirmations.

    Do not make veiled innuendos about 'buddies' or 'lower expectations'. You are complaining, not expressing feelings, with that. Pull way back so you can see what this looks like without the prompting.
    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Like I always say, this is why we date...to see what they are like and how they treat us. Not initiating on the level you need is not fulfilling your expectations...this is a deal breaker is it not?
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I know being single is tough... I am single! Being single, I've gotten ton of unsolicited advice about being too picky, expecting too much, all the good ones are taken... Be open, my husband, I didn't even like.... Lol

    So we hear that stuff. Mix in whatever your own thoughts are.... Then we meet someone and nothing is really wrong with them. But there is something.... not quite right. But again, back to being single, wanting a loving relationship, we're thinking... Ok I got one on the hook, how do I make this what I want. How long do I wait, how much do I tolerate to get to that happy place?

    First off, I always say to those, who would willingly, set me up, with any single male, based on, us both being single, please don't. We're not socks. Haha

    So here is what I ask you.... Behind door number two, is the guy you dream of.... Do you stay with your guy or do you head for the door?

    Not everyone gets dumped bc they are a loser. Some are simply not the winner.

    And more specific to your guy, that whole, "I understand if I'm not enough and you want move on" is a red flag. You're right. You are paying the price for his ex. And honestly, what does he bring, that he deserves such understanding and a free pass? We all have been through a lot and are trying to make better choices... But in some respect, that is not what love and romance is.

    I think you're wasting your time. You've made your needs known. That's all you can do. He's basically told you, don't expect anything more than a "of course I like you, I would not be here if I didn't." That's him being emotionally unavailable to you. And when someone tell you who they are, we believe them. Right?

    Cut this guy loose... When he's willing to step out of his comfy zone, maybe you'll still be interested. Maybe you'll be behind door number 2 with someone GREAT. But at least you aren't being held at arms length.
    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Indeed Lambert!

    "that whole, "I understand if I'm not enough and you want move on" is a red flag. You're right. You are paying the price for his ex."

    Truth to tell he doesn't sound wildly enthusiastic, not overly worried whether you stay or go. Some people are not the flowery and fulsome romaaaantic types, but that is not the point here.

    Something seems to have stunted and shackled him badly in his marriage, for him to have this inability to show emotion.

    "I'm sorry I'll try harder." I'd hate to hear that. Sounds like someone who gets bad marks in geometry and is contrite.

    It isn't good enough, OP.
    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    If he's not good enough for you, then yes, you're wasting your time. If you want a man who is more demonstrative especially with initiating words and your partner of 4 months is deficient in the word department, then yes, you're wasting your time.

    I do want to say that you should be alarmed by charming personalities. I've known men who are charming, know all the right words to say at the right time yet underneath their pretentious veneer lies a scary character. Some charming men hide their shady character which you won't know until later. Charming men or charming people in general are extremely deceitful. Beware. Just make sure your radar is up.

    Sometimes, what you see is what you get is better because it's more sincere even if a man isn't adept with his wording and initiative. An over zealous man is a red flag IMHO.

    I've been married for a very long time and my husband is on the quiet side. He's not overly demonstrative either. However, I'm perfectly content with his demeanor because he expresses his sincere love to me in other ways which I'm eternally grateful for. Examples: He helps me with EVERYTHING whether it's the house (cooking, cleaning, errands) or the kids. I can always count on him. It's a relief to defer to him. I prefer a doer instead of a talker full of hot air. Talk is cheap IMHO. However, I'm not you and I see your point, too.

    Since your partner doesn't check all the boxes, think of him as short term. You won't be happy later if he still remains the same and doesn't initiate nor whisper sweet nothings in your ear. Or, you can be grateful for the man he is and feel secure knowing you respect and trust the qualities he has to offer you.

    Also, keep in mind, this is not his first rodeo. He's been married before and his enthusiasm the second time around is not as exciting as his dating phase with his first wife. At age 50, he's tired so perhaps this is why he's so "blah" with you. He's also more cautious and taking things slower.

    At 4 months, give him a few more months. If you're still unhappy at that point, then part ways, move on and find a man who is compatible to your personality and preferences.
    Originally Posted by limichelle
    [B]

    I agree with the charming personalities being a front in most cases. My Late Grandfather, a horrible person whom I never met supposedly had a very charming personality. He was manipulating, abusive and cheated on my Grandmother any chance he got! In fact he knocked up another woman while still married to her. He’s one example but I can think of plenty more.

    You don’t want someone to just tell you what you want to hear but if you’re also just not feeling it my advice still stands. Don’t settle for just okay.
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    He sounds like a quiet man who doesn't express his emotions much and isn't one to initiate or do the things you hoped he would.

    That doesn't make him "bad" but he's not as you viewed an "ideal" partner to be. Your expectations don't match his personality and unfortunately, you either are going to have to accept it and accept that this is how he is, or don't accept it and let him go.

    There is no other way about it. But forcing him to change, expecting him to, guilting him, getting upset over it, is only going to make both of you miserable.

    Ask yourself this question: "If he never changes and I am going to have to live with how he is, the rest of my life, will I be happy?" Then decide what to do accordingly.
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    You are only 4 months in, you are pushing. He is right, it's too early to know for certain how one feels or where it might go. I know you might think you know for sure, etc, but 4 months is very early on and the majority of people wouldn't be sure. It's too rushed to know someone this quickly or know where it might lead.

    I didn't realize how short your relationship has actually been. Had you said he's been acting this way a year after dating then I would say there's a definite incompatibility issue.
    But 4 months in? You are expecting too much and are rushing things.

    Give him time to develop stronger feelings for you, to create a stronger foundation with you, then maybe you will see for sure how he actually expresses, etc.
    But in my opinion, you're jumping the gun right now.
    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Thanks limichelle. I agree with charming personalities, too. Your late grandfather was definitely a charmer. My late father was a charmer, a real life of the party guy, made everyone laugh and he was socially very attractive. Then his Jekkyl 'n Hyde personality came out as an alcoholic wife beater to my mother. Charming people are pretentious and incredibly deceitful. If some people are too good to be true, they are. Beware of over zealous types. They only tell you what you want to hear because they want something from you, want to control (manipulate) you or both.

    Shop around.
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I am on the fence about this one. I agree that if you need someone more demonstrative, then you should move on and find someone different.

    I also think in the scheme of things 4 months is a very short time, for some. I've had enough experiences in my life that I don't trust what I am feeling in the first 4 months. I also don't think by taking my time I am exercizing my issues out on my partner either. I might very well be like your guy. . if I am not moving fast enough for them then I'd be ok with them moving on otherwise. I can't be rushed into something.

    My current bf and I didn't exchange I love you's until the 6 month mark. But that's us. Our pace seemed to match each other. We weren't in a hurry to get anywhere and believed that things that are worth while often take time.
    Is it possible that your level of interest is what causes him to hesitate? Then that may be something to think about. It's a little intimidating when the other person gets too far ahead of you. You start second guessing if you could ever catch up.

    All in all, it probably doesn't make him a bad guy. He may be very well worth the wait but you won't know if you don't reign it in a little and give the guy the opportunity to catch up.

    I am not there. From here it's hard to tell if this is worth sticking it out for. Only you will know.
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Four months is very short. That's almost the entire time from March to end of June (when pandemic and lockdowns started becoming the norm). Are you sure other stresses aren't a part of this?

    What are your respective family commitments like? Does he have kids he's still responsible for in college/uni? In and out of the house?

    Is he renting after his divorce? How long has he been divorced or separated? How long have you been single?

    What are your employment situations like? Are both of you self-sufficient? Is he dealing with any alimony or child support?

    When you meet someone later in life there are all kinds of questions and especially so now with 2020 being year that it has been.

    I don't know what your personal situations are like. Keep an open mind. Be patient like SherrySher says. If you know, without a doubt, and can check off all those boxes of outside stresses and issues that may be weighing on both your minds, then no, I don't think this will work. In an ideal situation, four months in shouldn't feel like this.

    I agree with Hermes too by the way that something might have stunted him in the marriage. I know what that feels like.

    Keep us updated.
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    He'll either step up the way you want or he won't.

    Either way, you'll be fine. You're an independent professional woman, you won't be destroyed if you choose to stop seeing him.
    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    At four months shouldn't this still be the honeymoon phase? This is the time when it is all new and you both can't wait to see each other, hold and kiss each other and express just how much you care.

    I think you found a guy that does not know how to be in a relationship with a woman. He was single for a long time then married at 42, it didn't work and now he is even more guarded than he was. I don't see him improving which is sad because he is going to regret losing you.

    Men do not show their emotions like women, they do not express them as freely nor to they understand many of the emotional needs of women but you clearly stated your needs and tried to make him feel safe to express his feelings and all you got was promises and a vague reference to see how it goes.

    You are doing all the heavy lifting and you will sooner or later get tired and burned out and dump him. The question is when it will happen not if it will happen.

    The fact that you are here means you are getting close to doing what you know needs to be done. He has already told you if you dump him over this he would understand. Does that sound like a man that is willing to fight to keep you?

    I am sorry I know it is so hard to meet someone ( I have been searching for years) but being single is better than living like this isn't it?

    Best wishes
    Lost
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    What struck me in your recent post is that you say you were confident before you met him, but in a very short time of getting to know him you are now feeling less than confident, less than stable, increasingly insecure. This is just me, but when I was dating? I was looking for someone who made me feel more of my natural state, not less, particularly in the early days when the stakes are invariably low. I used that idea as a gauge of things far more than things like another's "effort," since I'm a believer that the everyone, at all times, in all scenarios, exerts all the effort they're capable of. It's on us to decide if that meets us on the level we need to me met on, or not.

    As we get older we invariably bring more complexity to the table: big lives, big pasts, tighter emotional knots, a bounty of experience positive and negative, qualities that make for more interesting people but that can make connectivity a greater challenge. You know yourself better than us—and better than him—so only you can decide if it's worth continuing to feel this out, to see if you can take a few small steps back, or just stay still, and culture the juju you need for stability on your own while also gauging the level of "click" here. How hard you want it all to be, and feel, is something you are in full control of—in the early days, in all the days.

    My girlfriend and I are both affectionate people, articulate when it comes to feelings. At the same time? We are people who have been deemed by others, particularly in romantic contexts, as "distant" and "hard to read." Neither of us have had to make an "effort" to curb the latter qualities with or for the other, which I think says a lot about our compatibility, maybe more than the fact that we both like to hike, to cook, to discuss books. The joy of those activities would be pretty minimal if I spent them feeling she was distant, or she spent them struggling to read me.

    It's always good to check in with ourselves, to take a deep breath so we can see about enjoying the ride. But it's also good to accept that not every ride can be enjoyed. You sound like an awesome human, with a strong inner compass. You'll find your answers sooner than later—have faith in that, while you exhale and explore.
    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Now, now, don't come down so hard on us charming people!

    For the record:
    "A charming person is someone who can be okay even when external factors, such as the surroundings and environment, are challenging," says psychologist Dr. Iris Pachler over email. "They're able to find peace and strength from within and also have the ability to be flexible and accepting no matter the situation."

    Manipulative charm is another matter entirely. Spurious charm, the pathological variety, as in "Prince (c)Harming".

    I don't think the OP wants one extreme (gushing, constant embraces, fulsome compliments 24/7 etc.) but simple recognition on the part of this man and some demonstration of affection, as she describes in her OP.

    So OP remarks:

    "He got married very quickly to someone who financially destroyed him I think he felt that he didn't want to be alone anymore so he settled"


    Very bad idea to get married in order not to be alone. But anyhow.

    He isn't the first and won't be the last to be financially destroyed (by whatever and whoever), so at fifty years of age he needs to be mature and resilient enough to get over that trauma. Meantime, you mention he is only separated? Another poster asked you this. Why is he not divorced? And perhaps there was more than financial trauma involved in that first marriage?

    There is nothing wrong with being a quiet type, a reliable type, a kind type, but here I am sensing he is simply unable to walk the walk at all, maybe not even due to the disasters of his marriage, but maybe even for reasons long before that, back in time. After all he was 42 when he first married.

    I recall once talking to someone who was breaking up disastrously. He was unable to be emotionally present with anyone. He said: "It's like asking a cripple to run a 200 km marathon, at speed".
    Or put differently, you can't take anything out of an empty bag.

    OP. He probably is trying, but you need to look long and hard at this situation.

    Take care.
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Absolutely!!

    But. . .I am just going to speak from experience here and though I may be feeling these exact things, I don't let them drive the bus. I've been tripped up enough times to know that that initial honeymoon high can lead you down the wrong path and at about the 6 month mark when the high fades you are likely to find yourself standing in front of someone and something totally different.

    I dated someone who got way ahead of me early on. Though I liked him from the start and we were having a great time together, the pressure of the 'I love you's, 'what are we? and the constant need for reassurance became the overriding theme

    It was killing any budding feelings I had for him. I felt somewhat forced. I shared with him that I was in it for all the right reasons and I wanted the same thing he did, but the pressure, even indirectly caused me to pump the breaks and second guess things.

    He seemed to get more insecure, more impatient and ultimately I ended it because this dynamic pretty much squashed any potential and growing feelings I did have for him. Everytime I challenged myself to catch up (before I was ready) he just moved the goal posts that much further ahead.

    Had he just relaxed and let me catch up the outcome might have been different.

    I only share this story because it makes me wonder if that's what's going on for the OP. I may be wrong but I thought it was worth sharing.

Page 4 of 6 FirstFirst 123456 LastLast

Videos


Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems

Friendship Between Men and Women Often Involves Attraction

Infidelity
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •