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Thread: Am I wasting my time?

  1. #21
    Silver Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Needtobelove

    I honestly don't feel he is out to waste my time
    Don't make excuses for dragging this on... He is showing you what kind of lover and partner he will be- which is what he is now. Nothing wrong with quiet men who aren't romantic or affectionate - some women like that. If you need a partner who can show you affection and romance, this guy isn't it. Don't stay with him and hope he will change, because he isn't going to magically change. It's enough time you've been together to know this, and you can be meeting another great guy but who meet your emotional needs.

  2. #22
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    I honestly think youíre settling because he is a nice guy and available to you. It sounds more like the basis of a good friendship then one for romantic. I think you need to ask yourself if youíll be happy down the road or even three months later. Itís good to have things in common and the same morals but you do need those butterflies. The pesky butterflies in the stomach that start to make you feel tingly and warm when you think of him or are around him.

    Itís also only been four months so to have these doubts early on is a telling sign right there.

  3. #23
    Gold Member ChellyV's Avatar
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    My ex husband is the same person you are describing.

    In the end, the absence of words you want to hear and the hug you want to get on bad days, outweighed the rest of what he brings.

  4. #24
    Bronze Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Needtobelove
    He got married very quickly to someone who financially destroyed him I think he felt that he didn't want to be alone anymore so he settled. I believe he was about 42 when he got married no children. She is now back overseas and has been for the last year and a bit they are separated and he has no intentions of rekindling that relationship.
    So, he's still married?

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is he legally divorced? It would help to not project insecurities and smother anyone with unwanted reassurances. That type of thing is a little nauseating and suffocating. Pull back. Stop looking for superficial flattery.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I agree with the posters above who said that you're settling. You want fireworks and romance type of love where you feel swept off your feet. A man who will have a cute nickname for you, give you romantic surprises, leave you love notes to let you know how cherished/loved you are.

    It's never going to be this guy.

    He is more than happy to be with someone who is more of a roommate and has sex now and then. But he's never going to be the guy above. He is laid back, to the point of romance not being existent, (or barely), he doesn't mind passing you in the hall and giving you a smile or pat on the shoulder and not so much long kisses or loads of cuddles.
    Trying to force him to be different will be beating a dead horse. His personality is what it is...you can't and shouldn't force.
    He honestly sounds like the type who would prefer to have things a lot more subtle and is looking for company more so than the love of his life.

    You need validation in terms of hugs, gestures, loving messages, etc. It's not going to happen in this case. That being said, your needs won't be met and your insecurities will continue, if not get worse.

    Because you've been around men who have been horrible to you, this guy looks great. But in truth, he is still the wrong fit. You're choosing him because he's the best choice out of a bunch of rotten apples. And that's not a good recipe. You don't want to be lonely or be with another man who will be awful to you, so you pick the safe choice, but the safe choice is boring and will turn out to be more of a roommate to you.

    Just letting you know what's down the road. Being lonely can make a person choose whatever looks or sounds somewhat okay, that doesn't mean it's right for you.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    At four months shouldn't this still be the honeymoon phase? This is the time when it is all new and you both can't wait to see each other, hold and kiss each other and express just how much you care.

    I think you found a guy that does not know how to be in a relationship with a woman. He was single for a long time then married at 42, it didn't work and now he is even more guarded than he was. I don't see him improving which is sad because he is going to regret losing you.

    Men do not show their emotions like women, they do not express them as freely nor to they understand many of the emotional needs of women but you clearly stated your needs and tried to make him feel safe to express his feelings and all you got was promises and a vague reference to see how it goes.

    You are doing all the heavy lifting and you will sooner or later get tired and burned out and dump him. The question is when it will happen not if it will happen.

    The fact that you are here means you are getting close to doing what you know needs to be done. He has already told you if you dump him over this he would understand. Does that sound like a man that is willing to fight to keep you?

    I am sorry I know it is so hard to meet someone ( I have been searching for years) but being single is better than living like this isn't it?

    Best wishes
    Lost

  9. #28
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What struck me in your recent post is that you say you were confident before you met him, but in a very short time of getting to know him you are now feeling less than confident, less than stable, increasingly insecure. This is just me, but when I was dating? I was looking for someone who made me feel more of my natural state, not less, particularly in the early days when the stakes are invariably low. I used that idea as a gauge of things far more than things like another's "effort," since I'm a believer that the everyone, at all times, in all scenarios, exerts all the effort they're capable of. It's on us to decide if that meets us on the level we need to me met on, or not.

    As we get older we invariably bring more complexity to the table: big lives, big pasts, tighter emotional knots, a bounty of experience positive and negative, qualities that make for more interesting people but that can make connectivity a greater challenge. You know yourself better than usóand better than himóso only you can decide if it's worth continuing to feel this out, to see if you can take a few small steps back, or just stay still, and culture the juju you need for stability on your own while also gauging the level of "click" here. How hard you want it all to be, and feel, is something you are in full control ofóin the early days, in all the days.

    My girlfriend and I are both affectionate people, articulate when it comes to feelings. At the same time? We are people who have been deemed by others, particularly in romantic contexts, as "distant" and "hard to read." Neither of us have had to make an "effort" to curb the latter qualities with or for the other, which I think says a lot about our compatibility, maybe more than the fact that we both like to hike, to cook, to discuss books. The joy of those activities would be pretty minimal if I spent them feeling she was distant, or she spent them struggling to read me.

    It's always good to check in with ourselves, to take a deep breath so we can see about enjoying the ride. But it's also good to accept that not every ride can be enjoyed. You sound like an awesome human, with a strong inner compass. You'll find your answers sooner than lateróhave faith in that, while you exhale and explore.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Now, now, don't come down so hard on us charming people!

    For the record:
    "A charming person is someone who can be okay even when external factors, such as the surroundings and environment, are challenging," says psychologist Dr. Iris Pachler over email. "They're able to find peace and strength from within and also have the ability to be flexible and accepting no matter the situation."

    Manipulative charm is another matter entirely. Spurious charm, the pathological variety, as in "Prince (c)Harming".

    I don't think the OP wants one extreme (gushing, constant embraces, fulsome compliments 24/7 etc.) but simple recognition on the part of this man and some demonstration of affection, as she describes in her OP.

    So OP remarks:

    "He got married very quickly to someone who financially destroyed him I think he felt that he didn't want to be alone anymore so he settled"


    Very bad idea to get married in order not to be alone. But anyhow.

    He isn't the first and won't be the last to be financially destroyed (by whatever and whoever), so at fifty years of age he needs to be mature and resilient enough to get over that trauma. Meantime, you mention he is only separated? Another poster asked you this. Why is he not divorced? And perhaps there was more than financial trauma involved in that first marriage?

    There is nothing wrong with being a quiet type, a reliable type, a kind type, but here I am sensing he is simply unable to walk the walk at all, maybe not even due to the disasters of his marriage, but maybe even for reasons long before that, back in time. After all he was 42 when he first married.

    I recall once talking to someone who was breaking up disastrously. He was unable to be emotionally present with anyone. He said: "It's like asking a cripple to run a 200 km marathon, at speed".
    Or put differently, you can't take anything out of an empty bag.

    OP. He probably is trying, but you need to look long and hard at this situation.

    Take care.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    During the first four months, that's usually when hormones run wild, when you're on cloud nine with your new partner, and behavior is often on overdrive. If you feel like a buddy to him now, think of how things will be when the newness of the relationship wears off. You'll probably be relegated to the role of an acqaintance. Also, when the newness wears off, your tolerance level for these irritations will likely escalate.

    I know how hard finding a decent companion is, because I, like you, had those horrible experiences after my first marriage ended. I also made a mistake in settling, and it was for a year, because the guy seemed to look golden, for a while, compared to the crazy losers I'd formerly encountered.

    If he cared, he would want to please you in your reasonable request for an occasional kiss and hug. There are things I normally wouldn't do if I was single, that I do now because I know it's important for my husband, and he does the same for me.

    It takes sifting through a lot of sand to find the treasure. I'd say to get your sifter out, because unfortunately, you haven't found the gem yet.

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