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Thread: Am I wasting my time?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    If he's not good enough for you, then yes, you're wasting your time. If you want a man who is more demonstrative especially with initiating words and your partner of 4 months is deficient in the word department, then yes, you're wasting your time.

    I do want to say that you should be alarmed by charming personalities. I've known men who are charming, know all the right words to say at the right time yet underneath their pretentious veneer lies a scary character. Some charming men hide their shady character which you won't know until later. Charming men or charming people in general are extremely deceitful. Beware. Just make sure your radar is up.

    Sometimes, what you see is what you get is better because it's more sincere even if a man isn't adept with his wording and initiative. An over zealous man is a red flag IMHO.

    I've been married for a very long time and my husband is on the quiet side. He's not overly demonstrative either. However, I'm perfectly content with his demeanor because he expresses his sincere love to me in other ways which I'm eternally grateful for. Examples: He helps me with EVERYTHING whether it's the house (cooking, cleaning, errands) or the kids. I can always count on him. It's a relief to defer to him. I prefer a doer instead of a talker full of hot air. Talk is cheap IMHO. However, I'm not you and I see your point, too.

    Since your partner doesn't check all the boxes, think of him as short term. You won't be happy later if he still remains the same and doesn't initiate nor whisper sweet nothings in your ear. Or, you can be grateful for the man he is and feel secure knowing you respect and trust the qualities he has to offer you.

    Also, keep in mind, this is not his first rodeo. He's been married before and his enthusiasm the second time around is not as exciting as his dating phase with his first wife. At age 50, he's tired so perhaps this is why he's so "blah" with you. He's also more cautious and taking things slower.

    At 4 months, give him a few more months. If you're still unhappy at that point, then part ways, move on and find a man who is compatible to your personality and preferences.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    If he's not good enough for you, then yes, you're wasting your time. If you want a man who is more demonstrative especially with initiating words and your partner of 4 months is deficient in the word department, then yes, you're wasting your time.

    I do want to say that you should be alarmed by charming personalities.
    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I've known men who are charming, know all the right words to say at the right time yet underneath their pretentious veneer lies a scary character. Some charming men hide their shady character which you won't know until later. Charming men or charming people in general are extremely deceitful. Beware. Just make sure your radar is up.

    Sometimes, what you see is what you get is better because it's more sincere even if a man isn't adept with his wording and initiative. An over zealous man is a red flag IMHO.

    I've been married for a very long time and my husband is on the quiet side. He's not overly demonstrative either. However, I'm perfectly content with his demeanor because he expresses his sincere love to me in other ways which I'm eternally grateful for. Examples: He helps me with EVERYTHING whether it's the house (cooking, cleaning, errands) or the kids. I can always count on him. It's a relief to defer to him. I prefer a doer instead of a talker full of hot air. Talk is cheap IMHO. However, I'm not you and I see your point, too.

    Since your partner doesn't check all the boxes, think of him as short term. You won't be happy later if he still remains the same and doesn't initiate nor whisper sweet nothings in your ear. Or, you can be grateful for the man he is and feel secure knowing you respect and trust the qualities he has to offer you.

    Also, keep in mind, this is not his first rodeo. He's been married before and his enthusiasm the second time around is not as exciting as his dating phase with his first wife. At age 50, he's tired so perhaps this is why he's so "blah" with you. He's also more cautious and taking things slower.

    At 4 months, give him a few more months. If you're still unhappy at that point, then part ways, move on and find a man who is compatible to your personality and preferences.
    I agree with the charming personalities being a front in most cases. My Late Grandfather, a horrible person whom I never met supposedly had a very charming personality. He was manipulating, abusive and cheated on my Grandmother any chance he got! In fact he knocked up another woman while still married to her. Heís one example but I can think of plenty more.

    You donít want someone to just tell you what you want to hear but if youíre also just not feeling it my advice still stands. Donít settle for just okay.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He sounds like a quiet man who doesn't express his emotions much and isn't one to initiate or do the things you hoped he would.

    That doesn't make him "bad" but he's not as you viewed an "ideal" partner to be. Your expectations don't match his personality and unfortunately, you either are going to have to accept it and accept that this is how he is, or don't accept it and let him go.

    There is no other way about it. But forcing him to change, expecting him to, guilting him, getting upset over it, is only going to make both of you miserable.

    Ask yourself this question: "If he never changes and I am going to have to live with how he is, the rest of my life, will I be happy?" Then decide what to do accordingly.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I have asked him how he feels about me, but he is unable to share anything other than say if he didnít have feelings for me, he would not want to be with me. He said that he is unable to say what the future is going to be like or what he will feel and says that we should just let things happen.
    You are only 4 months in, you are pushing. He is right, it's too early to know for certain how one feels or where it might go. I know you might think you know for sure, etc, but 4 months is very early on and the majority of people wouldn't be sure. It's too rushed to know someone this quickly or know where it might lead.

    I didn't realize how short your relationship has actually been. Had you said he's been acting this way a year after dating then I would say there's a definite incompatibility issue.
    But 4 months in? You are expecting too much and are rushing things.

    Give him time to develop stronger feelings for you, to create a stronger foundation with you, then maybe you will see for sure how he actually expresses, etc.
    But in my opinion, you're jumping the gun right now.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by limichelle
    [B]

    I agree with the charming personalities being a front in most cases. My Late Grandfather, a horrible person whom I never met supposedly had a very charming personality. He was manipulating, abusive and cheated on my Grandmother any chance he got! In fact he knocked up another woman while still married to her. Heís one example but I can think of plenty more.

    You donít want someone to just tell you what you want to hear but if youíre also just not feeling it my advice still stands. Donít settle for just okay.
    Thanks limichelle. I agree with charming personalities, too. Your late grandfather was definitely a charmer. My late father was a charmer, a real life of the party guy, made everyone laugh and he was socially very attractive. Then his Jekkyl 'n Hyde personality came out as an alcoholic wife beater to my mother. Charming people are pretentious and incredibly deceitful. If some people are too good to be true, they are. Beware of over zealous types. They only tell you what you want to hear because they want something from you, want to control (manipulate) you or both.

    Shop around.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    You are only 4 months in, you are pushing. He is right, it's too early to know for certain how one feels or where it might go. I know you might think you know for sure, etc, but 4 months is very early on and the majority of people wouldn't be sure. It's too rushed to know someone this quickly or know where it might lead.

    I didn't realize how short your relationship has actually been. Had you said he's been acting this way a year after dating then I would say there's a definite incompatibility issue.
    But 4 months in? You are expecting too much and are rushing things.

    Give him time to develop stronger feelings for you, to create a stronger foundation with you, then maybe you will see for sure how he actually expresses, etc.
    But in my opinion, you're jumping the gun right now.
    I am on the fence about this one. I agree that if you need someone more demonstrative, then you should move on and find someone different.

    I also think in the scheme of things 4 months is a very short time, for some. I've had enough experiences in my life that I don't trust what I am feeling in the first 4 months. I also don't think by taking my time I am exercizing my issues out on my partner either. I might very well be like your guy. . if I am not moving fast enough for them then I'd be ok with them moving on otherwise. I can't be rushed into something.

    My current bf and I didn't exchange I love you's until the 6 month mark. But that's us. Our pace seemed to match each other. We weren't in a hurry to get anywhere and believed that things that are worth while often take time.
    Is it possible that your level of interest is what causes him to hesitate? Then that may be something to think about. It's a little intimidating when the other person gets too far ahead of you. You start second guessing if you could ever catch up.

    All in all, it probably doesn't make him a bad guy. He may be very well worth the wait but you won't know if you don't reign it in a little and give the guy the opportunity to catch up.

    I am not there. From here it's hard to tell if this is worth sticking it out for. Only you will know.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Four months is very short. That's almost the entire time from March to end of June (when pandemic and lockdowns started becoming the norm). Are you sure other stresses aren't a part of this?

    What are your respective family commitments like? Does he have kids he's still responsible for in college/uni? In and out of the house?

    Is he renting after his divorce? How long has he been divorced or separated? How long have you been single?

    What are your employment situations like? Are both of you self-sufficient? Is he dealing with any alimony or child support?

    When you meet someone later in life there are all kinds of questions and especially so now with 2020 being year that it has been.

    I don't know what your personal situations are like. Keep an open mind. Be patient like SherrySher says. If you know, without a doubt, and can check off all those boxes of outside stresses and issues that may be weighing on both your minds, then no, I don't think this will work. In an ideal situation, four months in shouldn't feel like this.

    I agree with Hermes too by the way that something might have stunted him in the marriage. I know what that feels like.

    Keep us updated.

  9. #18
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    Thank you everyone for such valuable advice and opinions. I really do appreciate all of your thoughts surrounding my relationship with my partner.

    When I say that our personalities are the same, we get along really well, we have the same views and thoughts on a lot of things the only difference right now is how we view relationships that is the only area where we are different.

    I have been divorced for five years. I tried dating for three of those five years only to be met with narcissists who basically gaslighted me so they were the ones who were telling me everything I wanted to hear. It took me two years being single to finally value my worth and to spend time on me focussing on what was important. I was not looking for someone we just happened to meet each other it was his decision to ask me to be in an exclusive relationship.

    He got married very quickly to someone who financially destroyed him I think he felt that he didn't want to be alone anymore so he settled. I believe he was about 42 when he got married no children. She is now back overseas and has been for the last year and a bit they are separated and he has no intentions of rekindling that relationship. i too settled in my marriage and parted ways on amicable terms

    I have a grown son who does not live at home so essentially we live alone in separate homes both professionals. He works away from home off and on so we see each other when we can. As I said the relationship is very comfortable but unfortunately my insecurities, I am having difficulty controlling. When I met him, I was very confident that was one of the things that he was attracted to. Since then as I have stated, he is not the type of person to outwardly show his affection and feelings. He's very shy and extremely insecure about himself. I do everything to go out of my way to make him feel good about himself. I am very much a nurturer always looking out for everyone else but I know that I need to take a step back and let him pursue. It's easy to get lazy or feel like you don't have to do anything when the other person is making all the effort.

    He makes the effort to always message to let me know where he is, if he'll be late. Wants to do activities together, like working out, fishing etc and always is supportive and willing to listen if I need to talk he just has a hard time talking about feelings so I am completely at a loss. Honestly I think I need to just scale it back on the feelings and relationship talk and just let him be the one to feel he has the opportunity to grow with me without feeling pressure. Thoughts?

    I honestly don't feel he is out to waste my time

  10. #19
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    He'll either step up the way you want or he won't.

    Either way, you'll be fine. You're an independent professional woman, you won't be destroyed if you choose to stop seeing him.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Yes, take a small step back. If you feel like he's a good man and you want to see where it's going, take care of yourself first and foremost.

    You know how they say - when you're in a plane going down or there's turbulence, put your own oxygen mask on first and then help others around you.

    Put on your oxygen mask! Take care of you.

    Engage in all the things you love doing and make time for yourself also. I feel like you're losing your sparkle trying so hard in this relationship.

    Enjoy the ride. Love and all this should be enjoyed. Rest back and let him take the reins now and then.

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