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Thread: Met a girl, started talking but she is just getting out of bad relationship HELP

  1. #11
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Getting attention while dealing with a break up is a great distraction. Maybe not fair to other person, but you do have a responsibility here to manage your own expecations. Assuming you have similar friends, you would have known she recently ended a relationship. Why would you choose to engage someone to this extent knowing this?
    .
    We have similar friends but I didn't even know she existed prior to the pool party, a new friend they never brought around because she was in a relationship. I did't know anything regarding her situation until I asked her to dinner.


    I appreciate your sound advice without making me feel stupid. It may seem clear cut to alot of people but to me it really hasn't been. When she tells me she wants to talk to me but is scared of what her physically abusive ex might do to someone new shes with I can empathize with why she wouldn't want to go on a date after only being broken up for two weeks with him still stalking her.

    You are right though the help I was looking for was for what I should do next, keep trying to talk to her every now and then and develop a stronger connection, or lay off and let her come to me.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Another way to look at it. Someone going through a tumultuous relationship ending with an ex that from what you describe might be abusive doesnt make for a good prospect. Not now and not for sometime.
    As much as you like her she she wouldn't make for a good partner for sometime until she's had considerable time to heal and process this.
    Instead of focusing on what she wants, give some serious thought to what you are looking for.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by zach445897
    We have similar friends but I didn't even know she existed prior to the pool party, a new friend they never brought around because she was in a relationship. I did't know anything regarding her situation until I asked her to dinner.


    I appreciate your sound advice without making me feel stupid. It may seem clear cut to alot of people but to me it really hasn't been. When she tells me she wants to talk to me but is scared of what her physically abusive ex might do to someone new shes with I can empathize with why she wouldn't want to go on a date after only being broken up for two weeks with him still stalking her.

    You are right though the help I was looking for was for what I should do next, keep trying to talk to her every now and then and develop a stronger connection, or lay off and let her come to me.
    Lay way off and let her do her own healing and standing on her own two feet. If you hang around as a support and shoulder to cry on, free therapy, etc. - it will make her feel good, but....it also makes you the gal pal in her eyes. Once healed she'll move on to someone else. Basically, don't be her crutch because once crutches are no longer needed, they get discarded.

    Overall, never bond over damage or drama. It's like building a house on quicksand. Healthy, fun relationships start out with two people who are in a healthy and good place in life to date and make room for a relationship. Who can connect more genuinely. Connecting over drama, damage, rescuing might feel genuine, but it isn't really and just turns toxic in the end.

  4. #14
    Thank you for this !! This is what I was struggling with! I couldn't decide if it was better for me having been through a toxic relationship with an abusive ex like she has would be good common ground to start something on and to be there for her to vent to me so that she feels comfortable coming to me.

    If you are saying that this is not how it would go long term I believe you, thank you for a little bit more clarity on this.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This is the best course of action for you.
    Originally Posted by zach445897
    I decided to lay off a little

  7. #16
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by zach445897
    Thank you for this !! This is what I was struggling with! I couldn't decide if it was better for me having been through a toxic relationship with an abusive ex like she has would be good common ground to start something on and to be there for her to vent to me so that she feels comfortable coming to me.
    oh no!
    Common interest or commonalities -> golfing, sushi, scary movies
    Not commeriserating over traumatic and toxic relationship endings.

    You got this. . .
    Just be careful that you don't find yourself attracted to something familiar. If you've both been in challenging relationships, it's definitely something to take note of. It's takes two people to participate. This could very well the thing is attractive to you.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by zach445897
    I couldn't decide if it was better for me having been through a toxic relationship with an abusive ex like she has would be good common ground to start something on and to be there for her to vent to me so that she feels comfortable coming to me.
    No, it's not good common ground on which to build a relationship.

    She needs to heal and vent to her friends, family or a counselor. Not a guy whom she might someday date. That does nothing but set a toxic backdrop to your interactions and it's not a healthy way to go. You should never try to position yourself as the sounding board for a crush going through a break-up. All that does is make you an easy stepping stone to pass over once they feel well enough to date again. You want to be the person they meet at the end of the healing journey, not a conduit to help them get to the end - only to be "relieved" from your duties once they arrive.

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