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Thread: Iíve had enough of my mom and my sister, advice needed

  1. #1
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    Iíve had enough of my mom and my sister, advice needed

    My mom and I are very close, but the roles have always felt reversed, which has totally drained me. I guess you can say we are codependent. Even when I was a kid, I felt it was my duty to look after her.

    My sister is 4 years older. I know the term ďNarcissistsĒ gets used a lot these days. But let me tell you, she truly truly is. Iíve studied Narcissists for years and she is IT to the text. Iíd love to tell you about all the drama she and her family have caused in our family, but Iíll spare the details. Sheís toxic, SNEAKY and full of JEALOUSY. Iíll leave it at that.

    Everyone in my family has had a piece of my sister, and when she serves you, it leaves you in a state that canít be described other than numb. After a few times, Iíve grown very cold to her. I am civil, but I do not trust her and I e made it very clear to my mom that I do not want her knowing anything about my life because she twists the truth as she gossips to others. Mom knows this.

    But over the past year, mom accidentally has leaked information to her that was supposed to be between mom and I. This last time was my last straw. Iíve had enough.

    Iím now thisclose to packing up and moving far away from my family. I canít trust them, I canít confide in them, the town is run down, so why stay?

    Iíve always stayed because my mom (70) has nobody else except me and sis. My sister will take advantage of her. But now Iím to the point where I Donít Care. The only thing I asked for from my mom was privacy from my sister and she canít even give me that, so why should I care anymore. I will not cut off my mom, but I will not talk to her about anything in my life anymore, and it will be easier if I move away. Iíve always loved a different state and the only reason Iíve never moved there was because of mom. But now Iíd like to move to get away from her. She moved in right next door to me last year, and my sister now visits her allllll the time. She never visited her at her old house, but now sheís constantly there at momís new place. Even seeing her van outside my window everyday gives me a headache, we live in a condo and I hate that my sister now has access to the pool, etc. I just want out. But my mom will get taken advantage of in the years to come.

  2. #2

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    You say it's your last straw, then say you're 'this close' to leaving.
    I say move. You can still be a caring daughter involved in your mom's life, but yes it will take more effort. If you move even an hour or two away, you're close enough to drive in once or twice a month to see your mom, but far enough that you can carve out a private, peaceful life for yourself in your own little corner of the world.
    You must decide...is this your last straw REALLY?

  3. #3
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    Itís my last straw. One of the things holding me back is the fact that I need to sell my place, and Iím going to end up selling some furniture which will be a huge loss for me financially. If not for the condo and furniture, Iíd be on my way.

  4. #4
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    I fully understand wanting to watch over and protect your mother. My mom gave up a lot to raise me so I've always been the one to stand by her when others didn't. But there is a point where you realize that she is an adult who makes her own decisions. If she chooses to let your sister take advantage of her, that is her choice. You can't let that ruin your life and make you miserable. Like you said, you wouldn't be abandoning her. You will keep in touch and you can still "advise" your mom from afar. However, you are not responsible for her life and what she chooses to do. If she listens to you, great. If not, then that is on her. Don't feel bad about wanting to get away. Sometimes it for the best when we leave things behind and truly get on our own to spread our wings.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    If you can move and want to move, then move.

    If it's not feasible due to logistics and finances, then don't move. Change yourself. Don't confide in your mom anymore. Only engage in BRIEF superficial conversations; no more, no less. Enforce healthy boundaries. Remain civil, well mannered, respectful yet distant.

    Should your paths ever cross with your sister, again, remain civil, polite yet distant. These are boundaries for yourself.

    Don't pay attention to your sister's van or her visits to the pool. Don't bother to care. Live your own life. Focus and concentrate on healthy diversions for yourself. Don't make your mom and sister your whole life anymore.

    Other people will never change nor change for you. It's up to you to change the way you think, change how you act and from now on, you're in control regarding how you wish to navigate your life. Shift gears and readjust yourself especially if you don't see yourself moving within the near future. I've done this new strategy with certain disdainful people in my life and it works great.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Spend more time with your friends even if it's over the phone or by video if you're in lockdown or events aren't the same in your area. There's too much emphasis placed on this friendship or trust with your mother. Eventually that cord has to be cut and you'll have to go on and live your own life according to your own standards and rules. Practice good boundaries when it comes to everyone, not just your mother. It takes time to build friendships and even friends fail or make mistakes. Move if you feel it's in your best interests, not out of an emotional reaction.

    I think your disdain and disagreements with your sister are consuming you also. The more you limit your connections to that part of your life, the more peaceful things will be. Accept that life isn't smooth all the time. There are some horrible moments or days and unexpected issues that come up. You need to learn to deal with that as it comes without letting it ruffle your feathers too much.

    Do you mind me asking what's going on with your sister? Did she just lose her job? Go through a break up? There may be reasons why she's spending more time over and that's her mother just as much as she is yours.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Not much you can do. Your mother wants a relationship with your sister because that's normal.

    Your mother also can talk to whoever she wants about whatever she wants.

    She can also invite her daughter to her home whether you like it or not.

    You can't put your mother in an untenable situation of being a referee in your intense sibling rivalry.

    You'll have to come to terms that your mother is her own person and not exclusivity there for you to the exclusion of her other child.

  9. #8
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    Thank you everyone!!

    I will not move just because of this, Iíve got too much to take care such as selling furniture and my place, no room for rash decisions. This plays a huge role, but the other factor is the career development here is nit good. And the people are basically ďKarenísĒ. I prefer a more liberal and cultured environment. I stick out like a sore thumb here.

    I am trying to check myself and make sure that Iím not playing referee with my mom. There are times that I do, yes. But I do check myself, I realize itís part of codependency. But I do ha e the right to confide in my own mom and expect privacy. I am called ďthe vaultĒ amongst people because once o am told something is private, I will not tell a soul. Mom has also told me some very private things and sheíd be devastated if I told anyone. Iím sad that I canít trust her.

    My friends...well...they have moved away. Most moved to Florida. Iím not interested in Florida . My heart belongs on the East Coast, I have a few friends out there, I predict stronger friendships will blossom after moving.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I say stop confiding in your mom, find a friend to talk to, and butt out of family business. The less involved and neutral you are, they less you will stress over it. I say everyone needs to "get a life" including your mom. As we get older, we make adjustments....it's time for a change don't you think?

  11. #10
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    No, there is no "right to confide and expect privacy" - sounds like kind of an entitlement "Karen" perspective! She's your mom, you're both adults, she is human. My mom does keep my confidences but I don't see it as a right. She is an awesome human being, always has been. But as adults I choose what to confide in her about and my boundaries are based on my love for her- she is 85 and I don't want to upset her/rile her up if I possibly can -I know I already irritate her sometimes lol.

    Even if you move you'll take yourself with you. Take space without moving.

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