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Thread: Am I wasting my time?

  1. #1
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    Am I wasting my time?

    I am 44 (f), and my partner is 50 (m). I have been in an exclusive relationship for four months.

    We get along well and have a lot of similar interests and personalities; however, I am struggling in the relationship because he is not openly comfortable with communicating his feelings or his emotions with me.

    I am very open, communicative, and like to show and tell my partner how I am feeling. I have told him that at times I feel like I am not getting enough affection even if itís just a simple kiss or a hug or to tell me that I am beautiful, he seldom initiates.

    He will only tell me he misses me or thinks I am worth it IF I say it first. It never comes out of his mouth, and if I mention that I never hear it, he says I am sorry I will try harder but never seems to.

    Maybe I am always initiating things first, saying, and doing kind things that I need to take a step back and let him initiate. I feel like I am setting myself up for disappointment sometimes.

    One time I said I should lower my expectations. He seemed upset by that comment and said, donít say that, but I feel sometimes itís true. I have asked him how he feels about me, but he is unable to share anything other than say if he didnít have feelings for me, he would not want to be with me. He said that he is unable to say what the future is going to be like or what he will feel and says that we should just let things happen.

    Itís breaking my heart because I donít know if I should stay or move on. I fear that Iím always going to feel insecure or question whether or not he cares about me. He knows itís not fair to me and said that itís up to me whether we see how things go, and if not, he understands if we need to part ways.

    I do trust him, and we are exclusive, but I am missing a part of that affection and romance that I feel I need. He said that he has jumped into a past relationship too quickly (his only marriage), and it was a mistake, and he vowed that he would never do that again, but I feel like Iím paying the price for it.

    Never a day goes by that he doesnít say good morning and good night. He always messages throughout the day and is concerned for my well-being, but does he care enough for me to hold out with the hope that things will progress, or am I just wasting my time? I feel like I am a buddy some days, but he said he doesnít see me as a buddy and desires me.

    Do I go with the flow and see what happens? I ask myself why he is with me if he doesnít know what his feelings will be, yet he wants to be in a relationship with me.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    It's interesting how you say that you have similar personalities and then proceed to describe how you have practically opposite personalities. Do you not see that?

    Anyway, you can't turn a donkey into a horse. He is not effusive, verbal, or touchy feely. If that's what you need to feel loved, it's not the right man for you. It's only been 4 months and that's why we date - to figure out compatibility. It doesn't sound like you are very happy or very compatible with him so maybe best to cut your losses and move on someone who actually is more similar to you. Someone you can relate with more easily.

    Even if you two try to stick it out and make it work, it will always be a relationship filled with misunderstandings, insecurities, and hurt feelings because you two are way too different in how you express yourselves. A case of initially opposites attract but then they clash.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    I think that 4 months is enough time to know whether you're compatible or not. At this early stage, you should be happy, not wondering if you should ''lower your expectations''. He could be a perfectly nice guy in every way but, still, not the one for you. It's a matter of different personalities and I don't think it's something you or he can change. Frankly, I think you're too young to settle for someone who doesn't give you what you want.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    In the early daysóthe days youíre inóI think itís kind of just about being honest about how the flow feels rather than ďtryingĒ to go with it. You either can, or canít, in short. Thatís kind of what dating is about: not an endurance test of flows that donít feel right, but a search for the flow in which you can, well, flow.

    If heís not supplying you with the kind of sparkles you need to feel sparkly and secure? And if prodding him to offer more still leaves you thirsty and frustrated? Well, I kind of agree with him that itís on you to be honestówith yourselfóabout whether what he brings to the table is enough. Or not. Thatís him showing you respect, while asking you to respect him for who he is, not who youíd wish him to be.

    Iíd take a minute to decide what you want and need: someone who is naturally emotionally effusive or someone you can see if you can alter into being more effusive; a romance that feels like an endurance test, or one that feels like an adventure. Answer that question in the calm of your mind and you may find the answer youíre looking for here.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Imagine being in a relationship with him for 10 years, with him being exactly as he is now. Does that make you feel warm, content, satisfied? Or does it make you feel a bit sad, or frustrated or disappointed?

    He will not "change". Neither should you.

    You two are incompatible. Don't stay and then complain you're not happy because he is being very transparent.

    See my signature line.

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    I agree. You both are riding on opposite waves of what you need in regards to affection. Itís only four months in which is good, because you havenít invested in too much time.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he cares, but is not good at verbal affection. How does he treat you? Do you have fun on dates and get a long? New relationships are not really for affirmations, so there is something else bothering you. Including a sort of insecurity that he will bolt.

    At 16 weeks no one can forecast a future, and exclusive is usually a sign that things are going ok. The best thing to do is stop all the relationship talks and enjoy what it is for what it is so you can better observe compatibility rather than try to elicit reassurances, compliments and verbal affirmations.

    Do not make veiled innuendos about 'buddies' or 'lower expectations'. You are complaining, not expressing feelings, with that. Pull way back so you can see what this looks like without the prompting.
    Originally Posted by Needtobelove
    I am 44 (f), and my partner is 50 (m). I have been in an exclusive relationship for four months.

    We get along well and have a lot of similar interests and personalities; however, I am struggling in the relationship because he is not openly comfortable with communicating his feelings or his emotions with me. I feel like I am a buddy some days, but he said he doesnít see me as a buddy and desires me.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Like I always say, this is why we date...to see what they are like and how they treat us. Not initiating on the level you need is not fulfilling your expectations...this is a deal breaker is it not?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I know being single is tough... I am single! Being single, I've gotten ton of unsolicited advice about being too picky, expecting too much, all the good ones are taken... Be open, my husband, I didn't even like.... Lol

    So we hear that stuff. Mix in whatever your own thoughts are.... Then we meet someone and nothing is really wrong with them. But there is something.... not quite right. But again, back to being single, wanting a loving relationship, we're thinking... Ok I got one on the hook, how do I make this what I want. How long do I wait, how much do I tolerate to get to that happy place?

    First off, I always say to those, who would willingly, set me up, with any single male, based on, us both being single, please don't. We're not socks. Haha

    So here is what I ask you.... Behind door number two, is the guy you dream of.... Do you stay with your guy or do you head for the door?

    Not everyone gets dumped bc they are a loser. Some are simply not the winner.

    And more specific to your guy, that whole, "I understand if I'm not enough and you want move on" is a red flag. You're right. You are paying the price for his ex. And honestly, what does he bring, that he deserves such understanding and a free pass? We all have been through a lot and are trying to make better choices... But in some respect, that is not what love and romance is.

    I think you're wasting your time. You've made your needs known. That's all you can do. He's basically told you, don't expect anything more than a "of course I like you, I would not be here if I didn't." That's him being emotionally unavailable to you. And when someone tell you who they are, we believe them. Right?

    Cut this guy loose... When he's willing to step out of his comfy zone, maybe you'll still be interested. Maybe you'll be behind door number 2 with someone GREAT. But at least you aren't being held at arms length.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Indeed Lambert!

    "that whole, "I understand if I'm not enough and you want move on" is a red flag. You're right. You are paying the price for his ex."

    Truth to tell he doesn't sound wildly enthusiastic, not overly worried whether you stay or go. Some people are not the flowery and fulsome romaaaantic types, but that is not the point here.

    Something seems to have stunted and shackled him badly in his marriage, for him to have this inability to show emotion.

    "I'm sorry I'll try harder." I'd hate to hear that. Sounds like someone who gets bad marks in geometry and is contrite.

    It isn't good enough, OP.

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