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Thread: Dealing with abuse and guilt

  1. #21

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    Not looking for sympathy, my friend. I am looking for CLARITY. Points of view that could help me see what I am not being able to because I am always trying to put the good in people before everything.

    Seeing evil in a person that brought many good things to your life for half a decade (and that you love so much) is a very difficult thing. It messes with your judgement.

    And by doing that, I ended up contributing to hurt the person that matters most to me.

    I don't know who called CPS on me, that information is confidential. What I know is that their agent was working closely with the counselors. She visited my house, we talked for a long time. I told her everything I knew at the best of my knowledge (remember, I didn't know about the abuse until my child decided to tell me, I didn't witness it; I described what I was told).
    I have no idea what he told the agent.

    Neglect and abuse were unfounded.

    And I am not claiming to be a victim. But I cannot deny that I am struggling with my feelings. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22

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    I really appreciate the time you all put in your replies. Even the harsher ones gave me what to think about.
    Strangely enough, I feel better. Stronger, perhaps.

    However, I am not going to come back here. Honestly, I am afraid of reading more responses. I thought this site would be more of a safe place but the truth is that some people can be really hurtful.
    The fact I made a mistake doesn't make me unworthy of healing and I don't see how hurtful responses can help me in this process.

    Unfortunately I can't delete the thread, so I hope it helps others in the same situation of denial and disbelief. Hope it can open some eyes.

    Take care all.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Melonella. This site IS a safe place, and in my view the posters, all of them, gave you excellent responses. What you are afraid of is reading the truth. I see nothing harsh in any of the responses.

    It is a very bad idea to put the (perceived) good in everybody before everything. That is called seeing through rose-coloured glasses and is definitely not empathy. We need to train our minds to see people for who or what they are.

    If you do continue on this forum believe me you will gain even more clarity.

  4. #24
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Well, the site is not named, etellmewhatIwanttohear. What you are getting is the truth , you made MASSIVE errors in judgement. I am an empath as well however, I know a child molester when I see one. I give that NO consideration compared to the child and especially not my child. I use being an empath to garner what people are REALLY about . My son didnít even go to cub camp unless it was with his father. I may have been overly protective but I can guarantee you 100% nobody molested my child. I wanted above anything else to protect him from the things that happened to me.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    What was there to be "confused" about? Did you think your daughter was lying?

    Bipolar doesn't make people be child molesters and it certainly doesn't cause amnesia.

    How is this pedophile still able to contact you? By continuing contact you are showing your daughter that you and what you want are more important than her. And that you want him more than her.

    Please stop all contact with him and continue intensive therapy.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    OP. You were helped to see what you claim you couldn't see.

    "I am looking for CLARITY. Points of view that could help me see what I am not being able to because I am always trying to put the good in people before everything."


    And trust me, when you see "evil" it sure doesn't mess with your judgement; on the contrary it concentrates the mind very sharply.

  8. #27
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    Melonella,
    If you are still there, now would be the time to completly cut your ex from your life. Block and delete him from all social media.
    That's another action you need to take.

    Letting him reaching out to you even if you reject him is keeping you in that state of "confusion".

    Next time you meet a guy who "has problems with your independance" and wants "control" over you, you get rid of him Right away.

    Keep in mind that " empath" is often a code for " very codependant people " who put the needs of other before their own because they feel lost in their life without that person. They suppress their own instinct and beliefs and stay in abusive relationship because they fear abandonment.

    Work hard on that aspect in therapy.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Your post was in fact a difficult read.

    Where I would try to direct my attention and feelings is completely away from this man. From what you described this man is a complete monster. Manipulative and conniving to test boundaries over and over, finding the breach and then crocodile tears to keep access to your daughter. Make no mistake, predators know what they do, how they do it and who they can prey on.

    It was a mistake to allow a grown man to be so close to a child that is not his own...

    It was another mistake to put your daughter in a situation where she had to be strong enough to seek another adult in order to seek protection from a man you brought into the home.

    Where I think you are continuing to make mistakes, is to continue to down play your daughter in this situation.

    Yes. you feel guilt and shame. But youre thinking of the POS child abuser's side?

    I cannot express this enough... your daughter is where your concern, ALL OF YOUR CONCERN should be.

    This experience is with her for the rest of her life. And as she gets older, her thoughts will go back to, "my mom was kinda there for me. She made me face the guy, accept an apology from the guy and he was still around. I felt very afraid. I had to go to the school counselor"

    There will be anger associated with this towards you, him and herself....

    Make no doubt about it, your boyfriend was testing the waters... he did something he could explain away to you... but your daughter was there... she knows what he was doing and what was happening. You may think you "believed" her but you're handling of it, was what was best for you, not her

    I hope you go to conseling with her and give her the opportunity to express how she feels about you, specifically, your role, & your handling of this.

    She deserves to be seen, heard, and apologized to. You are the parent. She is the child. She deserves better and you need to be open to finding out what she needs now to heal and not carry this alone.

    And I hope youre posting here is a cautionary tale to others. We must protect our children better. As the parent, we must put their welfare first. If youre dating, living with, working with, married to, exposing them to someone that makes them uncomfortable, you must keep them away from your kid. There is just too much at stake.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cannelle
    Melonella,
    If you are still there, now would be the time to completly cut your ex from your life. Block and delete him from all social media.
    That's another action you need to take.

    Letting him reaching out to you even if you reject him is keeping you in that state of "confusion".

    Next time you meet a guy who "has problems with your independance" and wants "control" over you, you get rid of him Right away.

    Keep in mind that " empath" is often a code for " very codependant people " who put the needs of other before their own because they feel lost in their life without that person. They suppress their own instinct and beliefs and stay in abusive relationship because they fear abandonment.

    Work hard on that aspect in therapy.
    Absolutely!

  11. #30
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    "It was hard to end things immediately because I was very confused, trying to make sense of things." You were trying to make sense of someone molesting your kid? I m surprised they did not remove her from your care, and you were/are still in contact with his guy. Incredible.

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