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Thread: Dealing with abuse and guilt

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to go to the police . Sexual contact with a child is a crime. Get a restraining order. Stop convincing yourself that he is the victim. He is a predator. Get therapy for her. Try not to petend he's not a pedophile. Stop protecting him. Go to the police. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
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    "But I also feel guilty for his feelings." Wow! This is a guy who molested your kid. Disturbing.

    I wonder if she will trust you in the future. Get her some counseling.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 06-23-2020 at 01:49 AM.

  3. #13
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    Wow, that was hard to read.

    Your relationship with this man should have ended right after you realised that he had molested your daughter. (Because that is what he did and god knows how far he would have gone with times if she didn't tell you).
    I know you are looking for compassion but in order for your daughter and you to heal from this experience, you have to understand where your response towards this situation was flawed:

    YOu did good by confronting him and believing your daughter.
    But you kept him in your life, even allowed him to spend the weekends. You even tried to find excuses for his behavior in your head by trying to find a link between his action and his bipolar disease. Bipolar people are NOT child molesters.

    You also cannot be surprised or act like a victim when child protection services got involved: You were not firm enough in taking action to protect your daughter so she had to take matter in her own hands by confiding to a trusted adult.

    Thing is, you talk more about how this man feels and how you are hurt by this situation than how your daughter feels. You also still refer him as "your fiance". Is he still?

    You view yourself as a strong independent woman but you seems to have tolerated some abuse from him as well ( his controlling behaviors, mood swings, disrespecting your parenting decisions etc). It looks like you had a very co dependant relationship with this man.

    Feeling guilty and beating yourself up will get you nowhere. You need to really have a look at your tendency to tolerate abuse and take action to fix it. You need to go into therapy to heal from your past and learn to be assertive in your relationships as well.

  4. #14
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    OP, you really need to examine why you under-reacted to significantly so your child's molestation, and went so far as to blame his bi-polar disorder.

    This was on him. I don't buy for a hot minute that he didn't know what he was doing. There was a reason he tried to invite her into your bed all the time. Your daughter told a school counselor because she evidently didn't think you were really hearing her or willing to face the gravity of the situation. You keeping him in her life was a serious mistake, and I very much hope you realize this. Is she receiving any sort of treatment now? She is likely going to need it, not only to work through her feelings about what he did to her, but also your response to it. I don't mean to pile on, but OP, you need to get your head out of the sand.

    Cut all contact with him. If you find it to hard to do so for yourself, do it for your daughter. She deserves some peace in her life and she won't get it if you let this predator back into your world. You will also forever damage your relationship with her if you continue to let your guilt towards him control you.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You are describing a crime .

    Hopefully she will tell her real father or some trustworthy adult and this creep goes to jail.

    It sounds like this little talk "the three of you" had was to silence her and protect him and yourself.

    Hopefully her father will get full custody so she is protected. You may get supervised visitation.

    Keep in mind she has decades to report this crime, even though you are covering his and your own butts now.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 06-23-2020 at 02:31 AM.

  7. #16

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    @Canelle, thank you so very much for your reply. It helped me start seeing things differently, and that what I was looking for. Because I suspect I have been in denial all this time.

    But you kept him in your life, even allowed him to spend the weekends.
    I know it was wrong. It was hard to end things immediately because I was very confused, trying to make sense of things. And a great part of my pain is not having had the nerve to simply dismiss him. I believed he was really not aware of what he did. It had been a long relationship, with plenty of good. There were many mixed feelings.


    Thing is, you talk more about how this man feels and how you are hurt by this situation than how your daughter feels. You also still refer him as "your fiance". Is he still?
    No, the relationship got finally over right before the quarantine started, in March. It all happened close to the end of the last year. My daughter and I have been through counseling. She's doing fine. CPS got involved earlier this year and after talking to me and him they found no evidence of abuse and closed the case. So he's been out of our lives pretty much for the whole year now. But he keeps getting in touch and trying to get closer. It makes me feel horrible.


    You view yourself as a strong independent woman but you seems to have tolerated some abuse from him as well ( his controlling behaviors, mood swings, disrespecting your parenting decisions etc). It looks like you had a very co dependant relationship with this man.

    Feeling guilty and beating yourself up will get you nowhere. You need to really have a look at your tendency to tolerate abuse and take action to fix it. You need to go into therapy to heal from your past and learn to be assertive in your relationships as well.
    Thanks for pointing that out, because it is true. I do indeed have tolerated a lot of abuse, and have a hard time recognizing it. I am that type of person that even feels sorry for the abusers. My daughter's dad was verbally abusive and one of the reasons I wanted to leave my marriage was to protect her. Never could imagine that would follow me and I would fail.

  8. #17

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    @MissCanuck, thank you so much. Yes, she's been going to counseling since before the abuse, to deal with social issues. I've been also going to counseling. We've been doing a lot better, although my guilt for not resolving the issue fast (and being in denial, I see that now) will need a lot of work. He's been out of our lives for a while now with no chance of return.

    I really appreciate that you were not judgmental and didn't jump into conclusions without asking questions. Thank you.

  9. #18

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    You seem to have a lot of certainties about the lives of people you don't know.

    Do you think I would be here opening my heart about a mistake I made, asking for clarity from strangers - in a website that exists so people can find HELP - if I was trying to cover my butt? With what purpose?

    The story I told here was told to the counselors and the authorities. They all know me and my daughter in person - the counselors for a while now, even before the abuse. They see the same thing happening over and over again in all types of families. They have done/are doing their job. Which is not what I am looking for in this site.

    Calling a person a criminal without proof or without knowing who they really are, based on a summary of a story that has many nuances, is hasty and can cause more harm than good.

  10. #19

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    Yes, that is the life of empaths. We are always lost in a sea of feelings, trying to understand people and not being unfair to no one.
    Unfortunately, by doing that, I ended up hurting the person that mattered me the most.
    But that is a lesson I learned the hard way.

    Yes, she's been having counseling for a while now. Way before the abuse. She has issues socializing with people and I want her to overcome her challenges.
    Also, she has a chronic condition that makes her get sick every month since she was 8 months old. Uncountable nights awake managing her fevers, sometimes trips to ERs.
    There's no family around and I have to take care of everything myself, making sure she has food on the table, a ceiling over her head, a warm bed to sleep, nice clothes to wear. And good grades.
    She doesn't even want to travel to his father's state to spend time with her family if I don't go with her.
    That's how disturbing I am.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Who called CPS on you? Did you both deny he molested her? Sorry you are not getting the sympathy you want but your child is the victim not you.

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