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Thread: Boyfriend changed his mind about moving in together

  1. #1
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    Boyfriend changed his mind about moving in together

    I don't know what to do. During lockdown my boyfriend and I were separate and doing great. We talked together on a daily basis, we did virtual movies, etc. He even spoke of experimenting with my moving in. I was so excited and a little panicked as I thought it was perhaps too much to go from not seeing each other at all to being each other's only companionship if we had to ride out quarantine together. Later it was communicated that I misunderstood and he actually meant me not moving in but being around more, i.e. experimenting with a month or week living together. Now that quarantine is over I tried implementing this idea and he told me he meant we could talk about it.... then just yesterday he confessed he wasn't ready for this step at all. We have been together a year and a half and I thought we were moving forward. I don't understand what changed his mind and it's created a large problem in our relationship. I donít know how to get past it as I feel lied to and betrayed. I want to be with him but we fight every couple months about the same issues. I want to move forward but he doesn't and he provides me with no indication of when he will be. He claims to want to be with me and says I am included in his future plans. Should I let this go and give him his time? How do I get past the hurt feelings?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    What are the "same issues" you argue about every couple of months? How old are you both? Pre-virus, how much time did you spend together and how? Was it a healthy balance with you, and time apart with friends and hobbies? Or does the scale weigh heavier on his alone time or time with his friends?

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    How old are you, and where do you see yourself next year? engaged? And what are the issues you can't get past?

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    The same issues tend to be moving forward. I've brought up my spending more time over in the past and he said he wasn't ready. Or I've tried to have discussions on what we mean to each other and he always says it's not a good time. Every attempt to move forward I am pushed back and told that he likes his space. That's why I was so excited this time as I thought he was ready. For the first time moving in came up without me bringing it up. I'm 30 and he's 34. Pre virus we had our own separate lives and hobbies. We would spend the weekend together and one evening a week.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Girl at 34 and he's dragging his feet....you need to put your feet with someone else. You want a husband someday...I believe if he isn't excited to live with you and prepare for marriage and children, it's a waste of your time. A year and a half is ample time to figure out where you want to go next.

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    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear and I'm sorry to say, but it doesn't seem like he is as intetested in moving forward as you are.

    I don't think it's a healthy or happy relationship, if one person is always chasing and the other is always putting up the stop sign.

    You have to look at his actions and words for what they are. And then you have to decide for yourself if you're willing to tolerate this. I'm sure it hurts your feelings. Your feelings are growing. His remain the same.

    It sounds like your needs aren't being met and from his perspective its like it or leave it.

    As much as it hurts to let someone you see a future with go, you're breaking your own heart holding on to a guy that is not equally committed.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    If you were just in your early 20's, I'd say sure, give him more time. However, you are both adults in your 30's. This is a fully grown man who knows his mind and what he does and doesn't want.

    You are pushing, he is telling you "no" very plainly. If you want a proper relationship, you need to stop wasting your life and time on this guy and go find one who actually wants what you want. This guy is just feeding you enough bs lines to keep you around hoping....except as you can see, hope leads nowhere. He likes to keep you at arm's length and he'll keep stringing you along as long as you are willing to keep hoping.

    If you are looking for a man to build a life and future with, have a family with, please do not waste another day on this guy. Believe the reality you are facing - after 1.5 years he doesn't want anything more than just dating and that's not going to change, at least not with you. You rightly said yourself, you've known each other long enough to know what you want and what you want doesn't match. He wants to carry on as is, you want more and you won't get it from him.

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    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Kden.

    Here is the answer (in your own post)

    "I want to move forward but he doesn't and he provides me with no indication of when he will be."

    and

    "Later it was communicated that I misunderstood and he actually meant me not moving in "

    He has no interest in you OP. Not worth your hurt. Leave him behind, better things ahead of you.

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    Thank you everyone. Even though all opinions point in the same direction I still struggle with what to do. Like you have said I get these hints of something more or even outright ideas and proposals about the future but when it comes time to do the things he says he changes his mind and I get very confused. I tend to form relationships with emotionally unavailable people. I was hoping this time was different.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    People who are compatible agree on all the major things, including how much time to spend together and timelines when going to the next stage match. You've been given the info needed that your incompatibility leads you to being regularly frustrated. That's because he's happy lingering at point B, while you're ready to move to point C with your sites set on D and onward.

    My husband once dated someone who said she needed space, so he gave it to her in spades, like forever, and thank God since I became his new gf, who loved all the time he wanted to devote to me.

    Think back at the earliest signs this was a trait he possessed, so that you can recognize and avoid wasting any more time on future prospects like this. Take care and let us know how you're doing.

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