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Thread: Should I leave my boyfriend?

  1. #1
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    Should I leave my boyfriend?

    Hi everyone.
    Iím notorious for leaving my boyfriends too early, not having had a relationship of more than 6 months.

    I like my boyfriend, we spend a good time together and we seem to have some things in common. For the first time, I feel like myself with a boyfriend and this is good. He cares about me and talks to me every day.

    Now letís go to the bad part. He has two kids, 7 and 11, and wants me to be their mother. The problem is that the kids already have a mother and spend most of the time with her and their stepdad, only seeing my boyfriend 4-6 days per month. Still, he insists on me becoming their stepmother and has ruled out the idea of having any kids with me.

    Iíve met their mother and found out sheís no good. The kids are nice but theyíre under her influence and thereís not much I can do about it. Iíd love to become a mother at some point, but for that to happen, I want to see my kids every day. Not twice a month and under the influence of a bad person, like their mother.

    As I said, though, my boyfriend doesnít want kids and even avoids making love with me for fear of me becoming pregnant. So our sex life is practically non-existent. Another red flag, I guess.

    The only reason Iím not leaving is that I finally feel like myself when being with someone else and this happens for the first time in my life. We still have a good time together and Iím not alone anymore. Iíve recently moved to a new country so I donít have friends here yet. We sometimes travel together and he shows me the country. I met his family and friends and everything.

    I know I should talk to him and let him know I donít want to be a second mother (Iíve already let him know I donít want to see his kids often, but Iím not sure he got the message).

    We donít live together, but he wants us to live together at some point. But I donít want this to happen, yet.

    Should I leave him? I like him, but not that woman. I canít imagine myself being in the same family as her, or trying to help her kids unlearn her toxic advice. No matter how adorable the kids are, I feel that this isnít a fair deal for me and I should be going. Any thoughts? Should I leave now? Should I gradually prepare the ground to leave? Or should I wait and see if he changes his mind with time? (I feel like this is a trap and people donít really change, which is why I left all my exís)

    Thank you so much for reading
    Last edited by Badabum33; 06-25-2020 at 01:37 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that. Sounds quite toxic. He wants a free nanny, not a GF. You are wasting your time but you're just lonely and he entertains you. No birth control? If you want a family, he is not the right person.

  3. #3
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    You both don't want the same things and this is a temporary relationship with no future. Don't wait to see if he can change his mind. There is nothing wrong with seeing deal breakers and get out early on. Do you want a sexless relationship?

  4. #4
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    Donít stay just to prove to yourself that you can stay in a relationship. You think sheís a bad mother. You donít want to mother her kids which you shouldnít be doing. Thatís bad for the kids since youíre not married to their dad and thinking of leaving. Kids donít ďgetĒ dating. They ďget attached ď. Youíre so judgmental about their mother while you are putting these kids in harms way by letting them get attached to you. Please let this family find a healthful situation. Without you in it. Youíre just trying to prove something to yourself. Do your self test elsewhere where you donít risk upsetting or hurting young kids.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Ok first off.... He will not change. So stop that.

    This guy is not your forever guy, so don't make forever plans with him. Do not move in. Do not commit. For all the reasons you said.....

    Maybe you feel like you can be yourself, because you know you don't want to be with this guy. No pressure. Don't use him because you don't have any friends. End things before you get to entangled emotionally. You deserve to have a healthy sex life & children of your own, if you want....

  7. #6
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    How long have you been dating?
    Less than 6 months?

    He doesnít exactly sound like father of the year!
    He should not introduce his kids to anyone he is simply dating until well into an established committed relationship!
    At least over one year!

    Why did you agree to meeting his kids?
    Did you not have a discussion with him about this and how itís not fair on his kids ?

    Itís going to end sooner or later.

    This guy sounds like he is using you to get an apparent ďstabilityĒ in his life ???

    Since you have recently moved to his country , you should concentrate on building friendships before dating.

    ???

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You're not the gf, hun...

    That's a nanny.

    Please cut this person loose. I don't even know where to start with the emotional abuse and manipulation withholding sex from you!

    What a nut job. Move on!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    I might have missed it but do you love him? I see you said you like him but are you IN LOVE with him?

    You may be staying because you jumped ship to early in the past and now you are on a sinking ship trying to bail water on a lost cause.

    To many red flags and no shared life goals means this is not the relationship for you.

    Time to end this

    Lost

  10. #9
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I'd be long gone if I was you. I agree you'd be a nanny. Toxic or not you cannot nor should you ever try to replace the mother of his kids.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    The only reason Iím not leaving is that I finally feel like myself when being with someone else If you mean he's better than the worst of the worst you dated, it still doesn't mean that's a sign you should continue with him.

    In this situation, the good does not trump the bad. Never ignore dealbreakers. If you had a healthy self-esteem, you wouldn't settle for someone who doesn't share your life goals. If you want biological children, he doesn't, so that's a dealbreaker. If you'd like a regular amount of sex, he's not the right partner, since he's either afraid of accidental pregnancies or he's afraid you'll trap him by getting pregnant.

    It's common to date a boatload of men until you find one who matches you in all the major ways. Don't feel bad about ending relationships that didn't work for you. Concentrate on building a joyous life solo, and work on your self esteem. Only then will you be ready to share your joy with another bf. Perhaps if your self esteem was lacking, then that is the reason you attract men who are "less than." When you work on yourself, you might find that your luck improves in the love department, since you will likely attract decent men and you won't settle for less.

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