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Thread: Interracial couple. Now ex believes my family is racist

  1. #1

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    Interracial couple. Now ex believes my family is racist

    My now ex boyfriend and I went to high school together. He dated my good friend and they broke up. He and I started hooking up and he took my virginity. Fast forward a few years after losing touch he wrote me in my dms. We started dating and it ended after a year because he wasnít ready, especially when I wanted him to meet my family. After a year of not talking we got back together and dated for 2 and a half years.
    Heís black. Iím white. I have never liked any race of males but black males. I have made it known to my family since I was 12. I just knew who I was attracted too. My family never said they had issue with my taste.
    Well, my family is close and we do Sunday dinners and random birthdays and dinners. He (my bf at the time) rarely came around. When he would come he was on his phone and very distant. I told him how my dad is huge on dumb things like hi and bye. Heís old school Italian. He expressed he doesnít like my dad from the start. He called him a dictator because everyone in my family but myself bows down to him and never speak up against him. He also didnít like that he was a trump supporter, as well as other family members. We moved in at the 2.5-3 year mark of dating. We lived for free in my dadís condo he owns. All we had to do was cut the grass, snow removal, and help get new condos ready when they became available.
    It was a few months into living together and he started saying ďsomething isnít right with your familyĒ. As months went on he would express that it isnít okay they voted for and still support trump because heís racist. Itís my family it was hard for me to see that. With my family I always had my boyfriendís back. With my boyfriend I always tried to have my familyís side (depending on what). Well 4 months into living together we went to my nieceís birthday and he saw a confederate flag hanging in their laundry room. He was understandably offended and disgusted. As was I. I tried to educate my family on the confederate flag. For example I texted them articles and highlighted. My sister n law came back with ďdonít like it, donít comeĒ my dad said ďshut the up and find a new topic to talk aboutĒ. I told my boyfriend this, as I was upset and told him everything. I continually tried to educate my family even 9 months later and some just can open their eyes to how the confederate flag is flag out racist. They try to say itís country and all that bs. So that was the first incident. Second was Christmas Eve drunk uncle and dad threw orange peels. My bf said if someone hits me Iím chucking a cupcake. He chucked a cupcake down at the table and hit my dad with it. we left later on and he didnít say bye or thank you to my dad. This was pent up tension. Christmas Day we went over to talk to my parents.. a talk Iíve been wanting to do for months but nobody would. I just knew they all werenít getting along. Well my boyfriend and dad began shouting at each other. My dad doesnít respect that my boyfriend is getting his masters degree. The reason he didnít come around a lot is because of being in grad school on top of having a full time job. In reality he also didnít want too and didnít feel comfortable around my family, but only I knew that deep down. He never admitted it. He was cursing off at my dad and my dad back. My dad said something along the lines of idk how you were raised and what you were taught as respectĒ that made my bf lose it and walk out. I followed behind after saying some choice words to my parents.
    After that 6 months went by and bf and family didnít see each other at all.
    During this time is when he really strayed expressing how he feels theyíre racist. I just couldnít see it. I would have their side. I understood the trump part as time went on. I would try to have him leave the politics out, but now I understand how supporting trump an outward racist makes them racist.
    3.5 years in and he broke up with me. I said I would move out and separate from my family but he said no, youíll eventually talk to them one day and we canít have half black kids having a relationship with ignorant close minded people. I get that. I agree. I wouldnít want my kids exposed to that.
    To this day a month later from our break up and him moving out he said that he can never ever be with me again. He said time and time again I couldnt see that they are racist and I didnít believe him and I stuck up for them calling them ignorant. He said he can never ever be with me again. I just love him so much. I donít think Iíll ever love someone like I love him. I also donít think I can bring someone around my family ever again because it isnít fair to expose a black man to ignorant people and expect them to have any sort of relationship. I donít like any other race or ethnicity of males. I donít know what to do. I wish my now exboyfriend would forgive me and move away and start a life with me separate from my family. Am I wrong for thinking that. Does anyone have similar experience? What did you do? Any advice is so greatly appreciated.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Being in a relationship with you is a package deal meaning whoever has a relationship with you, also has to deal with your family; especially since he'll always be black. The only way you can make your relationship work with a black man is if you completely severed all contact with your family to the point of estrangement. Two sides will always remain incompatible due to racism.

    You don't have very many options and choices. You know what they say about not being able to choose your family. However, the choice is yours regarding if you wish to continue having a relationship with your family while there's discord between your black boyfriend and them.

    You are the one who has to make some serious choices in order to prevent arguments and fights. You can't force your family to change their views and racism regarding blacks. They will never change because they are set in their ways. You have to alter your lifestyle in order for you to have peace and for your black boyfriend to live in peace. Those are the hard facts.

  3. #3

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    Thank you for taking the time to reply. Yes. Well this ex of mine will not forgive me. But for my future relationship yes, you are right. Itís unfortunate but reality.

  4. #4
    Silver Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gmgm
    I donít know what to do. I wish my now exboyfriend would forgive me and move away and start a life with me separate from my family. Am I wrong for thinking that. Does anyone have similar experience? What did you do? Any advice is so greatly appreciated.
    what you should do is respect his wishes. poor guy - I feel bad what he went through with your family.

    What struck me was that it sounds like your family never tried to listen or reach out to him personally to hear him out. It was always through you who had to do the explaining, the educating or facilitating... If I had been in your shoes, I would have had a talk with the bf or even your my dad that you would like them to call each other or maybe meet for lunch and try to talk to each other like grown men and yes without you and their egos in the picture. The reason why is because despite our differences, we are all adults. If you can't be an adult with another adult and need your girlfriend or your daughter to play the referee, then it doesn't serve any purposes except prolonging the conflict.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Please read the forum rules , especially # 14.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Your ex will forgive you as both of you go your separate ways in life. However, forgive doesn't mean condone nor forget. Forgive means to move on and consider the past as history. Your ex is intelligent and realizes that you have no control over your family and how they think. He knows you were caught in the middle which is a very frustrating and helpless position to be in.

    Yes, you are correct. You have to face harsh reality. It is what it is. Enforce healthy boundaries in order to have peace. Sometimes the cost is estrangement in order to have peace. However, I hope it doesn't go as far as estrangement which is the very last resort in order to attain peace for everyone.

    There is a cost or price to pay depending upon whom you choose as your boyfriend. The real question you need to ask yourself is this: "Is your boyfriend worth all the stress and aggravation you have to endure with your family in order to have a relationship with him?"

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    I understand how some people feel the confederate flag is just "the south" and some see racism - let's put that issue aside and lets' talk about the other stuff. (btw most people that i knew that had something with the flag at one time didn't feel particularly attached to it having a message to them, so were fine either way if they didn't have it --- ie, people who collected Dukes of Hazzard cars, etc.) and it was not a dealbreaker if someone had a thoughtful conversation about why they should not show it.

    I do think your boyfriend decided from the beginning that he would not accept your family.
    It would be alarming to me as a young woman that my boyfriend got to live in a property my dad owned for free and yet spouted off things about my dad - tried to isolate me by telling me that my family was messed up because dad was the head of the family and we all pitched in and heaven forbid i had to keep up the lawn maintanance on some place i am living FOR FREE.

    People vote for people based on a myriad of reasons and to automatically label someone in a negative way because they don't vote for the same person you want is very narrow minded. If your dad was so racist, he would forbid you from dating him, he would not let him live in his property etc, and that did not happen,

    He was resistant to meet your family and made his decision before he even met them. He could have gone the other way and said "i love you and want to meet your family. But i don't want to be just thrown in there by walking into the house on a typical day where everyone is busy. I would feel more comfortable if we went to lunch or something." And he could have said hello, made eye contact, shook dad's hand and showed that he was an upstanding young man (BTW, I think white, black, asian, native american, and martian young men should all do that because they are YOUNG MEN and dads are protective of their daughters.) OR it would be better if it were a "quick" meet. My guy met my parents for the first time by popping in when he picked me up for a date. He put his best foot forward because he only saw them for 5 minutes.

    My dad doesnít respect that my boyfriend is getting his masters degree. The reason he didnít come around a lot is because of being in grad school on top of having a full time job.

    But did your dad actually know that, or is all he saw was your bf never being around at all or you complaining that he wasn't around? Dads want guys who are around for their daughters, that make their daughters happy, etc, It sounds like instead of talking about things and sharing his joys in his achievements he just kept very quiet. Maybe he could have connected with your dad in some way and he refused. If your dad saw you always solo at family gatherings, out with girlfriends instead of the boyfriend - etc. OR your dad didn't respect it because dad does really well with a high school diploma and just doesn't get going to school for that long.

    Honestly i think its 50-50 here. I feel your boyfriend made sweeping judgements about your family before even meeting them. that's at least how i see it. We have several ethnicities in our family (my family member married a black woman, another married a woman who is first generation Mexican of Mayan heritege) - and we all mesh awesome together and we all love eachother. But then again, they married women whose personalities meshed perfectly with theirs and they fit in so very well. They did not meet and marry them because "i only date women of X ethnicity that is not my own" they dated on personal chemistry only. its curious to me actually why you are "ONLY" attracted to black men and you"make sure your family knows that".

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why was this BF so rude to your family? The whole thing sounds like two rebels without a cause. Have you considered that this is simply your BF and parents don't get along rather than folding all the sensational headlines into it?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Why was this BF so rude to your family? The whole thing sounds like two rebels without a cause. Have you considered that this is simply your BF and parents don't get along rather than folding all the sensational headlines into it?
    I second this. If I ever had a BF show up and act like a slug around my family, he'd be history, no further drama necessary.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    I second this. If I ever had a BF show up and act like a slug around my family, he'd be history, no further drama necessary.
    YUP. It has nothing to do with race except what your boyfriend is making it out to be.
    Dads are especially protective about who their little princess dates.
    My aunt and uncle LOVE my cousin's husband because "he was the first guy who actually talked to us while waiting for her. asked how we were doing, thanked us for the soda we offered while he was waiting and asked how the project was going (saw the kitchen was obviously being renovated)"

    Your parents know you "only date black guys". If they had a problem with that, they would sit you down and have a talk long ago.
    You need to have higher standards in who you date as far as their personality -- a guy who is mature enough to have pleasant small talk with parents and be seen.
    My uncle was the type who never showed up to family functions because "why are we the ones who always have to drive to them" and "i don't fish or build cars or hike so i don't want to talk about those things they talk about"
    Your boyfriend would be the same.

    When my siblings were dating, guys knew if you got along with the dad - or at least showed you respected his daughter, you were in

    My other uncle was in corporate management and was super well polished. But when he "met the boyfriend" for the first time, he sat at the card table in full hunting regalia - orange hat and everything cleaning his bow and arrow or gun accessories and would only give a "nod" at the guy when introduced. If you weren't scared off by dad and came around again - you apparently really care about his daughter and he acted like his normal self. He hoped to be intimidating at first to who was dating his girls.

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