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Thread: Regret letting a great person go.

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Your story is reminiscent of what my cousin told me. She said that she let a good one get away. She ended up marrying husband #2, the wrong guy, saddled with two kids and a miserable ever after.

    I agree a catch is extremely difficult to find and some people say all the good ones are taken.

    My sister rushed to the altar and divorced within a year. Then she married another dud and she's stuck with him, three kids and resigned to a unhappily ever after. Some people never get it right.

    Fortunately, I vowed never to repeat my mother's mistake and married a great man. (My late father was an alcoholic wife beater.) We have two sons and my husband gave me a stable, content life.

    As for you, try not to have regrets. There is a right man out there for you. Perhaps you are looking at all the wrong places. Whittle down your search. Know where all the great guys are. They're not at singles bars nor clubs. They're working hard, some are in church, volunteer, do charitable good works, into sports and fitness, some are into intellectual pursuits or ask your friends and family as they've done their homework for you. If you want a moral, empathetic man, you need to go where they are.

    Pray and you will be blessed with the right man coming along in your life. It's not the end of the world. As my mother used to say: "Good things happen to those who wait." She said this quote after I had complained to her that I never had a date in my life throughout high school, college nor young adulthood. I was a late bloomer. Then my husband waltzed into my life and the rest his history. He gave me a great life in the suburbs, the white picket fence and two amazing sons.

    Your day in the sun will come. Patience is key and you are wise now. You can afford to become very picky and choosy. Shop around!

  2. #22

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    The important thing is what is going on or not going on in your life right now that is making you backtrack? This is not about him, it's about your present situation.
    Hi, thanks for your reply. That's the part that I'm rather surprised about. Before seeing the post, I had just had a great trip to the city I am planning to move to, and was feeling so positive/hopeful about my future for the first time in a really long time. The weather was wonderful, I have some family and friends there, it's a beautiful city and even the men/potential prospects seemed better/more compatible with me in my mind. I was feeling really good about things.

    However, when I saw that picture and was reminded of him, my past and my mistakes, missed opportunities and potentially a happy coupled life I could have had the past 3 years, I completely fell apart. My hope and optimism about my move and future life seemed to dissipate. Today I'm feeling a little better, but still not as confident as I did a couple days ago. I feel shaken, confused, sad and scared. I'm hoping it will pass.

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Try not to glamorize and romanticize the past. Events are never recalled that accurately, so much of this is colored by nostalgia for youth with some present day disappointment . The truth may lie somewhere in between.
    I'm thinking nostalgia does have a lot to do with this. I miss those years, 2015-2017 where I felt so free and alive. I'm not sure what was so much different about that period of time in my life, but he is associated with it and I miss those carefree and enjoyable times. I wish I had valued that period of time and my time with him more. I just can't really fully remember why I didn't feel excited to pursue a relationship with him, other than he was making it too easy and perhaps I craved the challenge of the jerky guys. I'm not sure anymore.

  3. #23

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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    I hear you, it's definitely not good to be shallow and reject people based on little things. However I have to disagree with you in the sense that just because someone is really nice and has a good job, etc. doesn't mean that it's possible to fall in love with them if you're just not. When people are talking about "spark or "chemistry (or lack thereof), they are talking about that special something that ignites inside them. It's not possible to force yourself to feel it if you just don't. When someone gets friend zoned, it's not because they're a "nice guy" or "good girl". It's because the other person is just not attracted to them and/or just not feeling it.

    Sometimes we can't even explain why we do or don't feel something. Five years ago I was dating this guy. My Mother was really pushing me to him because she thought he sounded great. He's still my good friend and my Mum keeps asking after him even now! He's very handsome, 6 feet tall, intelligent with a master's degree and he's a teacher. And on top of that he's also really nice. I am actually overweight/chubby. But when we were dating, I just wasn't feeling it. I was attracted to him and ended up being FWB for 2.5 years. The sex was good and he treated me really well, but those romantic feelings just never appeared. Now when I occasionally hooked up with him and kissed him, literally felt nothing. Felt like kissing the back of my hand lol
    Thanks for your reply! I agree, you cannot force yourself to feel something you don't. I guess I'm confused with myself (and maybe I don't fully remember) if that was the case with me, or if I simply was too scared/didn't believe I deserved such a man in my life that I didn't feel fireworks with him. That being said, there was chemistry and when we were intimate, it was good. I never felt like I didn't want to kiss him or make love or anything like that. I guess I just felt I had enjoyed it more with the less available/quality men... which doesn't seem to make much sense at all.

  4. #24

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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Regrets suck because we think we cannot undo our mistake. With this guy that you let get away the mistake cannot be undone but you can use this mistake as a huge lesson and never allow it to happen again.

    I have dated women that have done what you did. Dating is dating and choices are made and more than a few times I was beat out by some jerk. I am a pretty understanding guy but when I see these women around and they come by and chat me up and tell me how they wished they had chosen me instead because the other guy was a total jerk I don't bite at the bait. Sometimes I wonder why because everyone makes mistakes and chooses wrong but in the back of my head I think of how long before the next shiny object (jerk) comes along and it ends.

    Online dating has amplified the "I think I can do better" syndrome. People get a lot of attention so their criteria gets very specific or critical and many times they miss out on something special.

    I could tell you things like it wasn't meant to be since you didn't reciprocate his feelings or if he was the right guy you would have known it then but those are just platitudes to make you feel better. Use this as a catalyst for a mind change on how you approach dating and finding the man that is right for you. There is not an unlimited supply of men of his character and quality as you have discovered but I am sure there is a guy that has been someones plan B just looking for a woman that knows what she wants AND can see it when she see it.

    You very well may profit from the mistake of someone else. Don't give up and don't be to hard on yourself, we have all made choices we regret...

    There is a good news in all this. A great guy you admired and really like met and fell in love with someone. That is something to be celebrated and to be hopeful about.

    Lost
    Thank you for your reply. You're 100% right, this is exactly why I despise regrets, I can't change it. I have a particular reoccurring theme in my life of regrets and rumination, and I think it is very unhelpful to me, yet I find my mind wanders there often. Regrets and nostalgia plague me often, but usually for this small period of time, between 2014-2017. Perhaps because it was a transitionary period in my life that was marked with enjoyable/new/exciting experiences that I often long for.

    I totally understand this line of thinking. I thoroughly regret the comments I made to him, because he indicated several times that he didn't want to hear me vent with other men while he and I were intimate, even though our relationship was not "official". When I pointed this out as strange because he (at that time) didn't want a relationship with me so why did it matter? He elaborated that had I not been having so many guys "in the background" or "on call" he could see himself with me long term in a serious relationship. Rather than take that leap of faith and ditch the background individuals that were not serving me, I decided to do the opposite and I deeply regret this. Who knows where I and/or he would be at this point if I had done what he asked.

    By not saying those things, do you think it is possible that he was the right guy and that I didn't know it because of my own immaturity/lack of readiness for a serious relationship at the time? Either way, I will head your advice and I will find a way to learn from this and keep looking for my Mr. Right.

    Yes, you are completely right about his point and I am happy for him. He seemed very happy in the photos I saw. Ironically, I felt like his new wife did not. But I suppose that could be due to a number of things, and I should not read into this nor assume or even hypothesize.

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  6. #25

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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I think it's life's way of telling you that it's time to let go of the ghosts of the past and move forward on a clean slate. You've learned some good lessons, you've grown a lot as a person. You've learned what you do and don't want in a man. Having that plan B lingering in the back of your mind holds you back in many ways and leaves you somewhat closed off to new opportunities in life. Now that the option is gone, you have to open your eyes fully and give the present life your all. Now you are well equipped to find one who is fully right for you.

    Finding yourself without this perceived safety net is scary, but it can also be thrilling. A bit like opening the windows and letting in fresh air. You never noticed how stale the air inside was until you breathed in that fresh air.
    I never looked at the situation this way, but you are right. I looked at losing all my Plan B's (and C's and D's...) over the last few years as a bad and sad thing, rather than what you describe as letting fresh air in. I find this a scary and somewhat daunting situation, but I will try and see it is thrilling as you say. I have lived in the past for many years, and occasionally the future as well. I have not lived in the present moment for some time, and perhaps this will force me to do so. Thank you for your comment!

  7. #26

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    The short answer is yes.

    There are always good people out there.

    You just have to have faith in yourself and keep your integrity intact. What you think is important to you, what you value, what matters to you and all the other lovely details that make you delightfully you.

    You keep on going and keep learning.

    I also wanted to comment on your impression of this person. You seemed absorbed with yourself at the time (we all go through this) so how could you have known or seen any of his flaws? I doubt either of you would have gotten along perfectly. No relationship or person is ever perfect.

    Surround yourself with goodness and be patient, kind, tolerant and cautious about your company going forward.

    There's no reason not to find time for play and dating, meeting new people, making new friends.

    You may also find that you're surrounded by good people but none of them are a match. That is ok too.

    It takes more than goodness to be compatible on a romantic, sexual and intellectual level.

    Take your time and enjoy the ride. I agree with DancingFool about letting the fresh air in.
    Thank you for your uplifting comment. I suppose I've been on these horrible dating apps so long, I have a skewed view on the availablity of good men. I met this individual I wrote about on Tinder, but I think he was such an exception from the majority that I'm having a hard time believing I will find another like him, or a good person with the qualities he had. He told me right off the bat that he did not believe in casual relationships, that he was looking for a long term committed relationship and he was not interested in who he was dating hanging out/being friends with individuals they had been intimate with in the past. This had stood out to me, as I agreed with this statement yet so few men I met did. So few in fact, that I had convinced myself that I didn't mind casual relationships, and that it was okay for the person I was dating to hang out with people they had dated/been with in the past. Looking back, he shared much more values with me than the men I was actively choosing over him. Sad. I wish I had stopped to check in with myself more, and been authentic and true to myself rather than trying to change myself into the mould of what I believed others thought of as "normal" or progressive or whatever. Had I been more true to myself, I would have seen how much more compatible he was with me than the rest.

    Your right, especially the past couple of days I have only been thinking of his positive traits. He was mature, up front and honest, but at times he was also blunt to the point of being insensitive, and occasionally mocked me for my repetitive and unhealthy patterns of dating emotionally unavailable men. For instance, he once asked me via text if I had gotten "spit-roasted" yet when he hadn't heard from me for a couple of weeks. Clearly referring to his resentment of me dating others instead of him. He made similar comments a few times, usually as a "joke" but still very hurtful. Looking back, he also rarely stated directly that he wanted to be with me, and wanted me to stop dating others. It was if he was too afraid/didn't want to be vulnerable to ask. instead, he took those joking jabs. I remember being so confused at the time why he was being so hurtful/rude to me, but I now see he was hurt and lashing out.

    I will head your advice. I have worked on being kind and tolerant of others, but I believe I must work on my patience and being cautious about my company. I must be more observant of others and self-aware as I move forward.

    Yes, that seems to be the case. I am currently surrounded by amazing people. I have worked hard to find and maintain wonderful female friends and have deepened my relationships with family members. I just haven't seemed to have come across good men with dating potential for me yet. I will try to take my time and not rush it. Maybe that has been my problem all along!

  8. #27

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    Originally Posted by ninjabib
    Best to leave him alone he's a married man. I agree you don't really feel that much for him or you would not have dumped him for no good reason. I think you feel as if you missed out that's all. Regret will pass.


    Agree with Wiseman. You need more going on in your life if these kind of thoughts are surfacing. Glad you realised you have maturing to do. That's the first step in finding a good man. Good luck.
    Thank you for replying. Of course, I will not contact him or interfere in his life, I mentioned so in my original post. I think in the past I did not feel as much for him where I was in that stage of my life. Now when I look back, or if I had met him at my current stage of life, I think I would feel for him what I didn't (at least as strongly) back then. Yes, I do feel as though I missed out. But I suppose, I have no idea what happens behind closed doors. Perhaps he is not so great in a long term relationship, for I only know what I've seen on social media. I never dated this person for an extended period of time, never lived with him, never saw all sides of him. But I do still wonder, and what I've seen on social media, he spends time with his family with his 4 brothers and I feel I would have fit in well with them and him in my family as well. I suppose it doesn't matter to have such thoughts now. I really hope this regret will pass as you say.

    That's the thing, I have so much to be looking forward to in my life. I have a thriving practice that I am currently seeing clients virtually, I have great friends and family around me, hobbies (as much as one can have during quarantine!) and the new challenge of relocating somewhere I believe I will fit much better in. I should be focused on these aspects of my current life, not the past. However, I have always had a tendency to ruminate about my past and regrets and get stuck in nostalgia.

  9. #28

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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I think this kind of thing only highlights maybe what you would like to have with a man in your life.

    But be confident that he is not that guy. You did not make a mistake. Have faith... what and who is meant for you, will find you.

    You cannot lose someone that is truly yours. Even when/ if we completely mess ourselves or someone else up. It is all about the lesson or the redirecting of you path.

    The cure to fear and doubt is faith. keep the faith. God bless and good luck to that guy.... but you have someone better to find.
    Thank you for your comment, I think you hit the nail on the head. I was thinking about this today, and it is exactly that. When I think of having in my life, how he would fit in well and I believe I would have fit well into is had I taken that leap of faith, I realize that it is someone with the traits of what I remember him having. Not really him. I don't really know the current him anymore.

    I want so badly to fully 100% believe you are right. He was not that man for me, I didn't make a fatal mistake. I am trying to have faith, I really am. It's such a comforting feeling to believe that who is meant for me will find me. I've never really thought of these lessons (rather than mistakes) redirecting my path in the right way, it's always been a thought of how my mistakes have redirected/altered course in a negative direction away from my "fate". I like how your reframe is exactly the opposite, that this is all bringing me to the right path. Thank you for your kind message. I will do my best to keep the faith!

  10. #29

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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Your story is reminiscent of what my cousin told me. She said that she let a good one get away. She ended up marrying husband #2, the wrong guy, saddled with two kids and a miserable ever after.

    I agree a catch is extremely difficult to find and some people say all the good ones are taken.

    My sister rushed to the altar and divorced within a year. Then she married another dud and she's stuck with him, three kids and resigned to a unhappily ever after. Some people never get it right.

    Fortunately, I vowed never to repeat my mother's mistake and married a great man. (My late father was an alcoholic wife beater.) We have two sons and my husband gave me a stable, content life.

    As for you, try not to have regrets. There is a right man out there for you. Perhaps you are looking at all the wrong places. Whittle down your search. Know where all the great guys are. They're not at singles bars nor clubs. They're working hard, some are in church, volunteer, do charitable good works, into sports and fitness, some are into intellectual pursuits or ask your friends and family as they've done their homework for you. If you want a moral, empathetic man, you need to go where they are.

    Pray and you will be blessed with the right man coming along in your life. It's not the end of the world. As my mother used to say: "Good things happen to those who wait." She said this quote after I had complained to her that I never had a date in my life throughout high school, college nor young adulthood. I was a late bloomer. Then my husband waltzed into my life and the rest his history. He gave me a great life in the suburbs, the white picket fence and two amazing sons.

    Your day in the sun will come. Patience is key and you are wise now. You can afford to become very picky and choosy. Shop around!
    Thank you for your cautionary tales. I believe I have waited this long, that I won't settle now. Your story is proof that it can be done, and if you found your great husband following your own advice, I will do so as well! You're right, I believe these great men are rarely at the bar or on quick dating apps. They are doing the work I would admire a man to be doing. Hard to get out and find these men and these situations these days with the quarantine, but I will keep my eyes and heart open. Thanks again!

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Enjoy your move to the new place. Don't look back.

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