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Thread: Regret letting a great person go.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The important thing is what is going on or not going on in your life right now that is making you backtrack? This is not about him, it's about your present situation.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Keyman
    What you are going through is getting quite common these days. There are a lot of good guys out there that just want to be themselves and be loved by a good woman, but they end up plan B because they don't give this fireworks that seems to be a necessity these days for women. The problem is, fireworks don't last, and when the sky clears, the women get bored and runs off after the next feeling of fireworks, thenin their 30s to be left wondering where all the good guys are.

    I know a lot of good guys who may not be the best looking, tallest, aren't muscular, and many earn a good packet, but they still get put off by women as not good enough. So many of them are choosing not to bother anymore. I mean, what's the point? Women just don't want the good guy. They say they do, then friendzone only to look back with regret and chasing around the bad guys and getting nowhere.

    And reading your post, you have a long laundry list of all the great things you want in a great man, but also a long list of how badly you treat good guys. Are you actually good enough for a good guy?
    I hear you, it's definitely not good to be shallow and reject people based on little things. However I have to disagree with you in the sense that just because someone is really nice and has a good job, etc. doesn't mean that it's possible to fall in love with them if you're just not. When people are talking about "spark or "chemistry (or lack thereof), they are talking about that special something that ignites inside them. It's not possible to force yourself to feel it if you just don't. When someone gets friend zoned, it's not because they're a "nice guy" or "good girl". It's because the other person is just not attracted to them and/or just not feeling it.

    Sometimes we can't even explain why we do or don't feel something. Five years ago I was dating this guy. My Mother was really pushing me to him because she thought he sounded great. He's still my good friend and my Mum keeps asking after him even now! He's very handsome, 6 feet tall, intelligent with a master's degree and he's a teacher. And on top of that he's also really nice. I am actually overweight/chubby. But when we were dating, I just wasn't feeling it. I was attracted to him and ended up being FWB for 2.5 years. The sex was good and he treated me really well, but those romantic feelings just never appeared. Now when I occasionally hooked up with him and kissed him, literally felt nothing. Felt like kissing the back of my hand lol

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Try not to glamorize and romanticize the past. Events are never recalled that accurately, so much of this is colored by nostalgia for youth with some present day disappointment . The truth may lie somewhere in between.

  4. #14
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    You will definitely find another guy, as long as YOU let them in.

    Good luck!

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Regrets suck because we think we cannot undo our mistake. With this guy that you let get away the mistake cannot be undone but you can use this mistake as a huge lesson and never allow it to happen again.

    I have dated women that have done what you did. Dating is dating and choices are made and more than a few times I was beat out by some jerk. I am a pretty understanding guy but when I see these women around and they come by and chat me up and tell me how they wished they had chosen me instead because the other guy was a total jerk I don't bite at the bait. Sometimes I wonder why because everyone makes mistakes and chooses wrong but in the back of my head I think of how long before the next shiny object (jerk) comes along and it ends.

    Online dating has amplified the "I think I can do better" syndrome. People get a lot of attention so their criteria gets very specific or critical and many times they miss out on something special.

    I could tell you things like it wasn't meant to be since you didn't reciprocate his feelings or if he was the right guy you would have known it then but those are just platitudes to make you feel better. Use this as a catalyst for a mind change on how you approach dating and finding the man that is right for you. There is not an unlimited supply of men of his character and quality as you have discovered but I am sure there is a guy that has been someones plan B just looking for a woman that knows what she wants AND can see it when she see it.

    You very well may profit from the mistake of someone else. Don't give up and don't be to hard on yourself, we have all made choices we regret...

    There is a good news in all this. A great guy you admired and really like met and fell in love with someone. That is something to be celebrated and to be hopeful about.

    Lost

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I think it's life's way of telling you that it's time to let go of the ghosts of the past and move forward on a clean slate. You've learned some good lessons, you've grown a lot as a person. You've learned what you do and don't want in a man. Having that plan B lingering in the back of your mind holds you back in many ways and leaves you somewhat closed off to new opportunities in life. Now that the option is gone, you have to open your eyes fully and give the present life your all. Now you are well equipped to find one who is fully right for you.

    Finding yourself without this perceived safety net is scary, but it can also be thrilling. A bit like opening the windows and letting in fresh air. You never noticed how stale the air inside was until you breathed in that fresh air.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by esteluna
    Anyway, has anyone else had a similar experience? Did you manage to find another great person out there?
    The short answer is yes.

    There are always good people out there.

    You just have to have faith in yourself and keep your integrity intact. What you think is important to you, what you value, what matters to you and all the other lovely details that make you delightfully you.

    You keep on going and keep learning.

    I also wanted to comment on your impression of this person. You seemed absorbed with yourself at the time (we all go through this) so how could you have known or seen any of his flaws? I doubt either of you would have gotten along perfectly. No relationship or person is ever perfect.

    Surround yourself with goodness and be patient, kind, tolerant and cautious about your company going forward.

    There's no reason not to find time for play and dating, meeting new people, making new friends.

    You may also find that you're surrounded by good people but none of them are a match. That is ok too.

    It takes more than goodness to be compatible on a romantic, sexual and intellectual level.

    Take your time and enjoy the ride. I agree with DancingFool about letting the fresh air in.

  9. #18
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    Love what Dancing Fool wrote.

    I did let a good guy go in favor of a bad boy when I was 23. Turned out bad boy -meaning cold/distant/unavailable for a couple of years -and when he finally proposed I realized it would be a lonely life - anyway 5 years after we broke up -after he proposed-he met his spouse. A man. That is why he was so unavailable -he was internally struggling. The good guy got married.

    I am married to a man who was not right for me -I wasn't into him enough -the first time we dated in our early 30s -yes we were engaged. No I did not keep in significant contact with him. Yes I dated some wrong guys again. But almost 8 years later when we were both unattached and I became the right person to find the right person -we were both 38 - we reconnected. Got my second chance thank goodness. Yesterday we celebrated our 11th father's day together. We got married in our early 40s. Yes I was more than into him that second time around - we both changed while we were apart and then we were right together.

    I wish you all the best and I'm sorry you feel regret!

  10. #19
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    Best to leave him alone he's a married man. I agree you don't really feel that much for him or you would not have dumped him for no good reason. I think you feel as if you missed out that's all. Regret will pass.


    Agree with Wiseman. You need more going on in your life if these kind of thoughts are surfacing. Glad you realised you have maturing to do. That's the first step in finding a good man. Good luck.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I think this kind of thing only highlights maybe what you would like to have with a man in your life.

    But be confident that he is not that guy. You did not make a mistake. Have faith... what and who is meant for you, will find you.

    You cannot lose someone that is truly yours. Even when/ if we completely mess ourselves or someone else up. It is all about the lesson or the redirecting of you path.

    The cure to fear and doubt is faith. keep the faith. God bless and good luck to that guy.... but you have someone better to find.

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