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Thread: Regret letting a great person go.

  1. #1

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    Regret letting a great person go.

    Last night, I was mindlessly scrolling on facebook, and saw that an old flame of mine (we dated for a little while in 2015, then I decided to put him in the friend zone for no good reason at all...) just got married. He was a really great guy, came from a good family, hx good values and wanted a committed relationship, was educated and had a great career. Everything I said I wanted in a man. I was happy for him, he looked very happy, but I was not expecting how hard it hit me. This person was so sweet and supportive of me throughout the years, even while I dated other people despite him always showing interest in being with me. He politely asked me many times to work on my codependency issues so that we could have a real chance of dating exclusively, but rather than do this, I proceeded to date a couple of "bad boys" instead. Worst of all, I often vented and emotionally dumped on him when these relationships inevitably failed. I know this deeply hurt him. I feel so horrible about this, I simply cannot fathom what I was thinking back then to do that to someone who had been so caring towards me, even when we weren't together.

    Although we had drifted with our contact and hadnít seen each other for around 2 years, I thought about him here and there and how I had made a mistake to push him away and date the losers that never really cared about me instead. I suppose I tried to shove these thoughts out of my head rather than truly deal with my mistake. And, if I'm honest, I supposed he would always be there one day when I was truly ready. In fact, after dong a lot of soul searching and refusing to date low quality men, I thought I was getting close to contacting him again. And of course, I saw the picture yesterday. I am truly happy for him, he seems like he is very content in his life now. But at the same time, I feel (maybe for the first time) the gravity of the loss that I can only blame on myself. We will never hang out again, never have late night talks about life and philosophy, never do art together again. I guess because I always thought one day we would reconnect, I never truly processed our "end" because I didn't think it was one. I know 2 years seems like a long time not to see someone, but in that time I was completing my registration, starting a new position and my own practice. It went by in a blur, and the times we used to hang out together seem not so long ago at all. I truly feel sadness that I will likely never see this person again.

    Fast forward to today, I am 100% not ever going to try to contact him outside of congratulating him on his wedding (which I did, and in true gentlemanly fashion, he replied thanking me and commending me on opening my practice). I want him to be happy, and I will not interfere in his life. I suppose Iím just looking for some kind of comfort or reinsurance that there will be other men like him (kind, caring, educated and successful, etc.) out there for me. Or, preferably, just the one. I am becoming less and less hopeful due to the very low frequency of meeting these men lately in my city, but Iím contemplating moving to the next province over. Maybe Iíll have a better chance there.

    Anyway, has anyone else had a similar experience? Did you manage to find another great person out there?

  2. #2
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    Yes, I have had similar experiences. I sometimes scroll Facebook and see stuff about my ex's that I don't like seeing lol May I offer some perspective...From what you wrote, it sounds to be honest like you were not really that into this guy romantically. I think if you liked him a lot or loved him, you wouldn't have "friend zoned" him and never pursued him again. We don't just easily drop someone that really means a lot to us. No doubt he is a lovely person and he seems to tick all the boxes. But just being nice and ticking boxes doesn't mean you're going to fall in love with that person.

    I think you do only see this man as a friend, but he was always your Plan B. Perhaps you were thinking that if you didn't find anyone else, you would go to him. But he wasn't your first choice, just a backup. That's why you were dating those bad boys and not him. He got tired of being your Plan B. He wanted to be someone's Plan A. And he found that in his wife.

  3. #3

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    Thanks for your reply, I think you make some good points. I think I was into him romantically, but not nearly as much as these bad boys that offered nothing in terms of a long term realtionship. There was a spark with him in terms of intimacy, but I was looking for fireworks. I was afraid that without that, it would end up like my passionless long term relationship I had ended a few years prior to meeting him. I feel like if I had given him a real chance and dated him exclusively, slowly, I would have fallen in love with him. He was/is very loveable. I think he was at the time my Plan B, but as I matured and dated and learned about people, I started to see him (and I suppose men like him) as my Plan A. But by then, it was too late. I don't think it helps that his new wife has the same name as me... I'm sure coincidental, but still a tough pill to swallow.

    I know there is no point in regret, I can't change anything in the past. But I'm afraid I have lost my chance, that I am in my 30's now and men like this don't come by often. Or, at this point, at all. I don't know why I couldn't value someone that truly cared about me at the time, he showed me over the years how he wanted me to be happy. And I'm so angry at myself for chasing/valuing men that didn't care at all about me. I should have been smarter, I knew better. I just don't know how to forgive myself now... or feel hopeful about the future anymore.

    Were you able to find someone else in the end?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Imo, you were not right for each other. It's just that he stopped being an option and people tend to want what they can't have. Plus, you sound tired of being single. Imo, he was not right for you and his marriage doesn't change that.

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  6. #5

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    Thank you for replying. Although tough to hear, your comments do help. Can you elaborate on what indicated to you that we were night for each other? Thank you!

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by esteluna
    Thanks for your reply, I think you make some good points. I think I was into him romantically, but not nearly as much as these bad boys that offered nothing in terms of a long term realtionship. There was a spark with him in terms of intimacy, but I was looking for fireworks. I was afraid that without that, it would end up like my passionless long term relationship I had ended a few years prior to meeting him. I feel like if I had given him a real chance and dated him exclusively, slowly, I would have fallen in love with him. He was/is very loveable. I think he was at the time my Plan B, but as I matured and dated and learned about people, I started to see him (and I suppose men like him) as my Plan A. But by then, it was too late. I don't think it helps that his new wife has the same name as me... I'm sure coincidental, but still a tough pill to swallow.

    I know there is no point in regret, I can't change anything in the past. But I'm afraid I have lost my chance, that I am in my 30's now and men like this don't come by often. Or, at this point, at all. I don't know why I couldn't value someone that truly cared about me at the time, he showed me over the years how he wanted me to be happy. And I'm so angry at myself for chasing/valuing men that didn't care at all about me. I should have been smarter, I knew better. I just don't know how to forgive myself now... or feel hopeful about the future anymore.

    Were you able to find someone else in the end?
    Um, well I was with someone for two years and engaged. The wedding was booked for January this year. Unfortunately my ex had bad mental health issues and got severely into drugs. So I had to end it. I'm 35. I've been single for about nine months now. I'm not sure if I'll find anyone but next year I'm planning on having a baby by myself by using a donor.

    Anyway, I think I will find someone good eventually, and so will you. There is a reason you chose other guys over this guy. There is usually a reason why we do things, even if the reason is subconscious. These days people live to their 80's or even 90's. So in your 30's there is time to meet lots more people still.

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Um, well I was with someone for two years and engaged. The wedding was booked for January this year. Unfortunately my ex had bad mental health issues and got severely into drugs. So I had to end it. I'm 35. I've been single for about nine months now. I'm not sure if I'll find anyone but next year I'm planning on having a baby by myself by using a donor.

    Anyway, I think I will find someone good eventually, and so will you. There is a reason you chose other guys over this guy. There is usually a reason why we do things, even if the reason is subconscious. These days people live to their 80's or even 90's. So in your 30's there is time to meet lots more people still.
    That's really commendable that you ended something that wasn't healthy for you before it got too serious. I also think it's incredibly brave that you are deciding to move forward with having children on your own, and have such a positive outlook on the future. It helps me put things into perspective. I think along with this regret business, I've also paired with a lot of hopelessness, that I had my chance and it's over for me now. I suppose if a friend of mine was telling me this, I would not agree at all. You're right, we have many years ahead of us. Thank you for the reminder!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    What you are going through is getting quite common these days. There are a lot of good guys out there that just want to be themselves and be loved by a good woman, but they end up plan B because they don't give this fireworks that seems to be a necessity these days for women. The problem is, fireworks don't last, and when the sky clears, the women get bored and runs off after the next feeling of fireworks, thenin their 30s to be left wondering where all the good guys are.

    I know a lot of good guys who may not be the best looking, tallest, aren't muscular, and many earn a good packet, but they still get put off by women as not good enough. So many of them are choosing not to bother anymore. I mean, what's the point? Women just don't want the good guy. They say they do, then friendzone only to look back with regret and chasing around the bad guys and getting nowhere.

    And reading your post, you have a long laundry list of all the great things you want in a great man, but also a long list of how badly you treat good guys. Are you actually good enough for a good guy?

  10. #9
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    Am sure deep down you are more thankful of him for being a part of your life, that relationship taught you a lot. Try to look at it in a way where you are getting to know what qualities in a person you are looking for. Its good he is respectful to you, at the same time you are also quite mature now in the way you communicated with him.

  11. #10
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    I was him at one point (Iím a woman). I was always this guyís plan b. Loved him to pieces but he rejected me so many times but I stuck around for 5 more years as a friend and have to hear all his women problems.
    One day I said enough and valued myself and rethought of whatís best for me. I finally went out on a date with a great guy who no women gave a chance with because ďheís too niceĒ. Iím 34, and just like you, was afraid not to find a great man.. well I did. And now just recently married. I loved my ex a lot but there was a reason why it didnít work out, and now I know why. A better person came whom I love so much and best of all, who loves me back :)

    You live and learn and itíll hopefully lead you to finding whatís right for you.

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