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Thread: Should I tell boyfriend about conversation with his mom?

  1. #1

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    Should I tell boyfriend about conversation with his mom?

    I'm new here and I need some advice, because I don't know what the best thing is to do in this situation.

    First of all I'm a 25 year old female and my boyfriend is 26. We have been together for over a year and living with each other for a few months. Overall the relationship is really good and we have made it a point to make sure that we keep communicating to each other so we don't have any misunderstandings.

    Currently I'm unemployed due to Covid and my boyfriend is the only one working. I am looking for a job but it's a bit of tough market at the moment which has left me with a lot of time on my hands. Also an important side note, my boyfriend has been very stressed out at his work because customers have been a bit ruder than usual so work is very draining for him as well. He was just starting to look at other work before the crisis but at the moment it's very hard to find other work so that is also adding a bit to his stress. He also recently mentioned this sentiment to his mom while they were talking.

    So that's the backstory. A few days after the conversation with his mom, his mom asked if I wanted to meet up with her for coffee and lunch. I agreed. I live very far away from my home country and my boyfriend is very close to his family, so I find it important to get know his mom better. During lunch, she brings up the fact that she thinks that what would be best for my boyfriend is for him to leave his job and work at racing stables so he can get 'destressed.' My boyfriend has worked for these stables in the past and although he learned a lot from it, he really does not like the general environment and does not want to go back there. She told me that my boyfriend does not know what is best for himself a lot of the times and that I should encourage him to pursue this path, because she knows that's what's best for him and that's the only way to go.

    This is not the first time I have sensed this feeling from his mom or his sister before. They have a really rough past. Their father was very abusive and he is the youngest so they're very protective of him. It's protective to a degree that they think he is essentially incapable of doing a lot of things and he doesn't know what's best for himself. He was also a very shy nerdy kid (like I was) so that probably also did not help. Although I'm talking very negatively about his mom, I do really like her. She is a really nice person and has some good advice generally. However I don't like how they treat my boyfriend sometimes, because he is a very capable adult.

    So my main issue here is that I know that my boyfriend doesn't like that job and he wouldn't consider doing it so I'm not going to push him to that job obviously. However I don't know if I should mention that his mom is really trying to get me to push him to do that because according to her he was incapable of seeing what is best for him. He is very close with his mom and I don't want cause unnecessary drama or tension in that relationship, but I also don't like keeping this from him.

    Hence the question should I tell him about the conversation?

    Feel free to ask for more information if anything is unclear.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Nope. Stay out of it. Going behind his back with his mom wonít get you anywhere. And it sounds like his mom is a control freak. Donít get into anything between him and his family.

  3. #3
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    If its the first time mom has mentioned this to you, I wouldn't say anything and I would not talk about the stable. Let it go in one ear and out the other.
    If she asks again, tell her "(boyfriend's name) works at what he chooses and I am not going to pressure him one way or the other." I would not get in the practice of "tattling" on mom, because it will look to him that you are trying to make her look bad. if she keeps it up, I would say something to your boyfriend

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    Thanks, that's what I was thinking too. I really don't want to give off the impression that I'm making her look bad.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Let them communicate directly. Don't let the mother drag you into her agendas and do her bidding and dirty work for her.

  7. #6
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    Well it might be best not to mention anything at the moment. But yeah don't encourage your boyfriend to work at the stables if he doesn't like it. It's none of his Mum's or sister's business where he wants to work. As long as he works and provides for himself, which he does. But it may be best just to leave it and let your boyfriend sort it out with his Mum. If she makes those comments, just say "Thank you for the advice" but maybe don't promise that you will encourage your boyfriend to get that job. Because you won't be encouraging him to do it, so probably best not to lie or promise anything to his Mum.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Did you tell him already that you were seeing her for lunch?

    I wouldn't make a big deal of it and don't omit the conversation. You can just say that you had lunch with her and she thinks working at the stables is a good idea. He should talk to her about it if he wants to talk with her about it. If he starts getting worked up over something so minor, that's really on him. He needs to sort it out with her.

    Leave the ball on his court to deal with his own mother. Don't act like a go-between after that and next time be more cautious when you're entertaining his mother or sister.

    Your boyfriend and you need to grow a thicker skin when it comes to family opinion. It's a peanut gallery and most family members will always think they have a good idea about what's best for another family member. Just smile, pay your respects and listen. That's all you can do. Don't pass any comments or give any negative feedback when it comes to his family. That's for him to handle.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Does he know you had lunch with his mom? Did you tell him anything about? I'd probably let him know there is a lunch but I'd keep the conversation light.... I like what Rose said..
    .

    If the mom asks you to talk to him about anything, I'd just say, I trust he'll make a good decision or As Tiny dancer said, thanks for the advice...

    Its a balance... you don't want your guy or his mom to think she has control over you. your loyalty and support is for your bf. but you also don't want to alienate the mom.

    Shame on her being so manipulative....

  10. #9

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    Thanks for the reply Lambert.

    I did tell him about the lunch but haven't mentioned anything about the conversation. Might just mention it like how Rose said.
    And if she brings it up again, I'll probably say something along the lines that I trust that he'll make a good decision. I have a feeling it won't be the last time that I get put in the middle when it should just be something that she should deal with him directly.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by NoraW
    Thanks for the reply Lambert.

    I did tell him about the lunch but haven't mentioned anything about the conversation. Might just mention it like how Rose said.
    And if she brings it up again, I'll probably say something along the lines that I trust that he'll make a good decision. I have a feeling it won't be the last time that I get put in the middle when it should just be something that she should deal with him directly.
    If she brings it up again, kindly tell her that you would feel better if she spoke with her son directly and not through you.

    Rule to live by - whenever there is a triangle, there will likely be trouble.

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