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Thread: How to build trust again

  1. #1
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    How to build trust again

    I am having some examples lately of guys who are perfect, and we have a perfect first date, converstion, laughs, etc. After that I go home excited thinking about how may tings advance, meanwhile their next move for a second date is inviting me at their home to watch a movie. Dont get this, it really dissapoints me as I thik that means just to have some casual fun. It is weird but it i not the first time it happened to me. After this I totally lost my trust on these guys, how can I build it back? It is funny but it is the third time happening nd they all seem great guys during first date...I just cut them out after this, but this way I am not getting anywhere. Maybe I should consider building trust continuing dating them and see wht hapoens. I am just very stubborn, I cut them out directly and I go really soon to conclusions.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Inviting you to their home is seeing if you're willing to have sex. That is not a date.

    I think you're right to weed out these guys who try that. Imagine if you did agree and either had to deny their advances or you give in and then wonder if you'll ever hear from them again.

    I think you're doing the right thing.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I kinda see it two ways. Yes, netflix and chill is a real thing and so is casual sex. At the same time i've gone to mans home early on and everything was innocent with no agenda attached. But i have to say it wasn't date #2. That is pretty soon.
    Having said that, you do what feels right for you. If going to a mans home too soon is uncomfortable, you honor that.
    They may be sussing out what you are all about. Saying 'too soon' is a clear message. He may or may not respect that.
    Say no. . .you will find out soon enough. Next!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Just say no to in home dates. Counter with better suggestions. For example invite him. Think of something interesting. This way, if you continue, great, if it's a no go you have your answer.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    From what you've written, it seems like you have some larger issues around trust: trust of men, trust of yourself, something that might be worth unpacking a bit before dating, so that dating doesn't become a test where people are only "perfect" or "disappointing."

    If the vibe you're getting is that they're only interested in causal? Well, consider it a blessing that it only took one date to determine that it's not a match. That's most dates, after all, be it the first or the fifth: moments of joy and hope leading to disconnect, disappointment. The more we trust ourselves, the easier all that is to navigate.

    On the flip side, I can't help but ask: Why not just suggest something else and see how the guy responds? Doing that requires a bit of trust in humanity, of course, or at least the opposite sex.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I have a few thoughts on this....

    If you met via on line, the 2nd date is too soon for a movie night at home.

    I would assume they are hoping it turns to sex, even if they are fine that it doesn't.

    If a guy is just after sex, of course he's going to be perfect. He's all charm and mcdreamy.

    I think you're right to ditch these guys. Believe it or not, players know they're players.

    Maybe just say. I would like to meet you out, but not interested in a movie tonight.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I agree, these guys who want you to go to their place on the second date are looking for sex.

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    I do agree with the others. I'm guessing plenty of guys will be cautious before sleeping with whomever, especially during this pandemic, as to why the first date is not in their homes. Also, similar to reinventmyself, I've been to a guy's home before when dating and nothing happened, not everyone is purely after casual sex. Granted, I knew them already. (I wouldn't do this with strangers as it's too risky.)

  10. #9
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    I'm a bit confused regarding the "build trust again" part. Are you saying you'd like to rebuild trust with a guy who'd suggested netflix and chill for a 2nd date? You don't. If you sense that they are just after casual sex while you are not, you cut them off and move on. Many people can look like a great guy on a first date, just like many people can manage to look competent on a job interview - but they are not all that great and certainly not all right guys for you. Don't let such disappointments dishearten you and don't over generalize that all guys are like that. They are not.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Break time.

    Recess.

    Now is a good time to pause for a little bit. It's healthy to take breaks and reassess where you're going with all of that and recharge if you have to.

    Reconnect with your friends and family. They will usually reaffirm your values and you don't even have to talk about dating! Just pause with the dating and seeing people. Hang out with your loved ones and mingle, absorb their energies and see yourself reflected back and vice versa. To answer your question, NO, I do not believe you have to "trust" someone again if you don't feel good around them the first time. Trust your instincts. Stay safe out there always, pandemic or whatever.

    Don't let yourself go willy nilly everywhere and start second guessing yourself. Time out.

    Everyone needs it! And it is perfectly A-ok.

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