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Thread: Worried about a friend

  1. #1
    Bronze Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    Worried about a friend

    This is about a very good friend of mine.

    There's this guy in her circle that she's known and liked for ages (something like 20 years). They were both in relationships with other people when they met but they had common friends, so, they stayed in touch. About 3 years ago she broke up with her long-term bf and a year later this guy broke up with his gf, too (except she's still staying in his place 2 years after their break-up because she can't find a job or so he says).

    Anyway, 6 months ago this guy and my friend started sleeping together. They had decided not to tell their other friends (4-5 people they're very close with....I'm not in that circle although I've met everyone involved). That lasted for a couple of months and then there was a misunderstanding or something that led to them barely talking to each other (his choice according to my friend). I had told her she was better off without him as I found the fact that his ex gf still lived in his house very weird.

    That guy sent her a very lengthy email today...4 months after their ''breakup'' if we can call it that. She forwarded it to me asking for advice. It was a very disturbing email. Basically, he was telling her that it was all her fault they had stopped talking, he took no responsibility for anything (he apologized for some time he had called her names saying he had done it for her own good) and he said that unless she talks to him/meets him he's going to forward that email with details about their sexual relationship to all their friends and he added that if she planned on denying it, he had proof. He mentioned a bunch of other things, too...(not nice) things she had told him about their common friends when they were 'together'. What was more disturbing was that he presented all this as a ''gift'' to her. He gave her a time line, too....talk to me before Monday or I'm forwarding the email.

    I was shocked but I was even more shocked when I talked to her and I found out she was rather pleased with the email and acted like it wasn't a big deal and ''I don't care if he forwards it to the others'' but she did email him telling him not to do anything until they talk.

    This isn't a young girl, it's a woman in her '50s and I know it's her life but I can't help worrying about her. He sounds unstable, threatening and dangerous to me. I told her that I would not meet him and I would even talk to a lawyer. Surely, this email screams blackmail, doesn't it?

    I just want opinions on whether I have a reason to worry or am I overreacting. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What a psycho. Is this spam or sent from the GF? She should not respond and make sure this weirdo is blocked/deleted on all devices, messaging apps and social media. Agree...who cars if he sends it? Makes him look like a psycho. They should not meet. Tell her to keep it in case she wants a restraining order.
    Originally Posted by Eliza50
    I had told her she was better off without him as I found the fact that his ex gf still lived in his house very weird. ''I don't care if he forwards it to the others''

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I had a friend for a decade where I would get too emotionally invested in how she engaged in such inappropriate decisions when it came to men. It's so emotionally draining when you care and try to talk sense into people like this. I'm no longer friends with her and am actually glad I am no longer exposed to the train wrecks of her life.

    Don't ask, don't tell. You gave her advice. Leave it be. Don't be drawn in to her bad decisions and drama. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't spent hours of needless angst in trying to save someone from themselves. And no, it doesn't mean you're a bad friend for letting her handle her own life without input, unless she specifically asks.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Your friend can handle her own affairs. It's better not to jump to conclusions about who is being victimized. If she's not perturbed by his email, why is she showing it to you?

    Both of them appear to still have been living with their exes while they were seeing each other. I'm not judging based on that. I have tried to date while living with an ex (a long time ago) and it is one experience I'll never do again. Neither of them have taken the necessary measures to move on from their respective ex-relationships.

    Both your friend and this person sound un-equipped to handle a relationship so their actions and their words are going to reflect individuals who are both not in the right frame of mind.

    Take a step back. If you feel yourself getting emotionally involved, this isn't your place. I'd question the motives of your friend and the way she may be emotionally manipulating her friends into sympathy and pity.

    Give her a wide berth. You can lend a supportive ear and tell her that this person is unhinged but encourage her to develop her own identity and independence overall. Give her the encouragement to move on in her life.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Both of them appear to still have been living with their exes while they were seeing each other.
    My friend broke up with her bf 3 years ago and she's been living alone since then. It's the guy who, although he broke up with his gf 2 years ago, he still lives with her.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sounds like the gf got into his email.
    Originally Posted by Eliza50
    It's the guy who, although he broke up with his gf 2 years ago, he still lives with her.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sounds like the gf got into his email.
    I doubt his ex would blackmail my friend into talking to him. Quite the opposite.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    No question the guy is totally psycho, but your friend likes it that way and seems to be happy to play games with him.

    Seems like what you are finding out about your friend is that when it comes to relationships, she is not quite healthy herself.

    So should you worry? Any worrying from you is kind of pointless in that it won't change her or what she does with her life and relationships. In your shoes, I'd take a huge step back and only give your opinion or advice if explicitly asked. Outside of that, be careful that you don't feed into her drama or become her shoulder to cry on so that it enables her to keep engaging in the drama. Step way way back.

  10. #9
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    Agree with andrina and dancing fool. Also be prepared to lose her as a friend if she makes nice with this guy and they become an item. One of the best decisions I made last year was not to look at a letter my friend got from her boyfriends mistress threatening her. I didnít want to know her name or the details in case I got dragged in. I did support her emotionally but as an outsider. In a weird twist based on some Facebook posts I discovered that the mistress might be someone I know - even though I knew her in a totally different context. So Iím glad I never knew her name. (Her boyfriend died last year so this is all moot now - the whole thing is so sad). Point is yes I was tempted to know. Yes Iím so glad I didnít get that invested. Weíre still friends and I can still be supportive as an outsider. I highly suggest you stay out of this.

  11. #10
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Is this the same friend you've been posting about since 2018? If so, maybe it's time to step out of the picture a little as it seems this "friend" stresses you out all the time and there's just too much drama.

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