Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 23

Thread: Caught in the middle

  1. #11
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    410
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Tough situation.

    I think you handled things excellently after the strange text about the car. But, hey, people can get pretty weird and off-kilter during breakups, so it is what it is. In your shoes? I'd see if your exchange allows for a Switzerland-like neutrality in things, which of course will be predicated on her own behavior moving forward, along with whether you can feel, well, genuinely Swiss in your spirit while interacting with each of them. If not, you retreat a bit, to give them space to work through what needs to be worked though during these fraught days.
    Thank you Blue! What you say makes perfect sense and Iím not sure I could be swiss neutral at the moment. I honestly felt she was overstepping big time and I think Iíll need a break from all of this and let some grass grow over the situation.

  2. #12
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    410
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I'm a mother so I think like a mother just like you, BecxyRex.

    I would tell your friend that it's all about the kids and their right to enjoy their childhood friends. I'd tell your friend that as mothers, it's about being selfless and thinking of the enjoyment of the next generation as opposed to getting caught up in adult drama which is immature and senseless. Divert the focus onto the children when you explain your reason for being at her ex's house and anything to do with her ex. Tell her that you will remain neutral and their marital concerns are between them and NOT you. Tell your friend that both of you will practice enforcing healthy, respectful boundaries.

    As for her sending you photos and sharing too many personal details regarding herself, her ex and her discord with her ex, respectfully let her know that you will no longer accept her PMs and screenshots. Give her fair warning and tell her that if she continues to be relentless, you will resort to blocking. Be gentle yet firm.

    There must be mutual respect and if not, then you must enforce it.

    You have no control over the neighbor spying on where you park your car.

    I agree, you don't require your friend's permission to do anything.
    Great points, thanks so much. I was mentioning how much fun the kids had in our exchange quite a few times and mentioned how well her little boy played with my daughter sharing all his toys, watching out she wouldnít get hurt. She didnít seem to even listen to that and kept on pointing out all the bad things her ex is accused of. As if we would somehow contribute to a negative outcome for her by having a play date. The divorce was not even mentioned once during our stay there. Iím really sorry sheís hurting, but Iím more sorry that her son is going through this. He did bring up a few times that not a lot of friends stop by any more and Iím wondering if those parents get the same treatment. Thank you so much for your input.

  3. #13
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    410
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    What did she say after you told her you don't want to be under surveillance?

    I don't think there's any need to get openly irritated with her (not that you have). You handled it just fine. Just stay as calm as possible. Sometimes people go through their own turmoil and personal struggles to the point where they don't recognize themselves in that difficult situation. If you've never been through a divorce yourself or one involving young kids you have no way of knowing what's going through her heart and mind.

    She will eventually understand that regardless of her opinions or her struggles, it won't affect the way your kids interact with hers or the way you and your husband choose to interact with both parents.
    She didnít say anything or even apologized that it might make me feel awkward. She seemed to have no reservation about sending me the photo, questioning my whereabouts. It definitely made me pause and step away from the situation. Itís just not a way to approach anyone. She shouldnít have questioned me in the first place.

  4. #14
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    410
    Gender
    Female
    Everyone thank you so much, I feel much better about this after hearing everyoneís opinion. We are going to take a step back while they sort themselves out. We have let them know to reach out if they want a play date later after things are more settled. I feel bad and donít want to desert anyone in times of desperation, but we simply donít know each other well enough to even be that involved.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,846
    Gender
    Female
    Its a shame that the kids have to suffer. I mean, i get that she doesn't want you to be besties with her ex - and feel she recruited you for "her side" by inviting you to coffee and striking first.
    If the kids are good friends, I would only agree to meet at the park, etc, and not go to either of their houses. say "our children are friends. They want to play together. I will meet my child with whoever has your child that day so they can play, but since its a problem, I will just meet up with the kids at the park (or other public place if you are allowed to ie covid). I would also make sure your child meets up with other children - its also a good time to include a child that is normally not included by the other kids - the new kid, etc.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,989
    Gender
    Female
    Are the children really close friends? Like, if your kids don't play with their kids anymore, will they be really upset? The reason why I'm asking is, do you think maybe it might be best to just stop hanging out with this couple all together? I think this woman is inappropriate and she is behaving very over the top in various ways. That is ridiculous that the next door neighbour is taking photos of who comes to the ex husband's house! The neighbour is spying on him! And also isn't it illegal to take photos of people or their possessions without asking their permission? It may be best that you don't spend time with these people anymore. I mean someone is spying on you and photographing your car! That's creepy!

  8. #17
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    410
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Its a shame that the kids have to suffer. I mean, i get that she doesn't want you to be besties with her ex - and feel she recruited you for "her side" by inviting you to coffee and striking first.
    If the kids are good friends, I would only agree to meet at the park, etc, and not go to either of their houses. say "our children are friends. They want to play together. I will meet my child with whoever has your child that day so they can play, but since its a problem, I will just meet up with the kids at the park (or other public place if you are allowed to ie covid). I would also make sure your child meets up with other children - its also a good time to include a child that is normally not included by the other kids - the new kid, etc.
    Meeting at a neutral place is a good idea, if it happens again. We want to step back for a bit at least, before we might meet up again. If the kids still have the desire to play together in a month or 2. Thanks for your input!

  9. #18
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    410
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Are the children really close friends? Like, if your kids don't play with their kids anymore, will they be really upset? The reason why I'm asking is, do you think maybe it might be best to just stop hanging out with this couple all together? I think this woman is inappropriate and she is behaving very over the top in various ways. That is ridiculous that the next door neighbour is taking photos of who comes to the ex husband's house! The neighbour is spying on him! And also isn't it illegal to take photos of people or their possessions without asking their permission? It may be best that you don't spend time with these people anymore. I mean someone is spying on you and photographing your car! That's creepy!
    Yeah Iíve been considering this as well. My daughter is 3 and her sons are 2 and 5. The older one and my daughter get along really well, but at this age she makes friends so easily and we have other regulars we see. It will be sad but it wonít be the end of the world. I think we want to just step back and not reach out for a while. If they do reach out weíll see how we feel after some time has passed. I agree, the camera was what really shocked me most. I looked up how legal it is and here you can have security cameras pointed toward the other homes as long as youíre not getting the inside or their backyards I believe. Sheís within her rights as far as I know. Itís just incredibly creepy to then send that picture to me asking if itís our car she sees. And be so shameless about it too. Iíd just never do that, especially not anyone Iím not even that close with.

  10. #19
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    53
    Posts
    37,857
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by BecxyRex
    Yeah Iíve been considering this as well. My daughter is 3 and her sons are 2 and 5. The older one and my daughter get along really well, but at this age she makes friends so easily and we have other regulars we see. It will be sad but it wonít be the end of the world. I think we want to just step back and not reach out for a while. If they do reach out weíll see how we feel after some time has passed. I agree, the camera was what really shocked me most. I looked up how legal it is and here you can have security cameras pointed toward the other homes as long as youíre not getting the inside or their backyards I believe. Sheís within her rights as far as I know. Itís just incredibly creepy to then send that picture to me asking if itís our car she sees. And be so shameless about it too. Iíd just never do that, especially not anyone Iím not even that close with.
    Good call. I would avoid her , she canít even apologize for her shameless invasion of privacy.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    2,286
    Originally Posted by BecxyRex
    Everyone thank you so much, I feel much better about this after hearing everyoneís opinion. We are going to take a step back while they sort themselves out. We have let them know to reach out if they want a play date later after things are more settled. I feel bad and donít want to desert anyone in times of desperation, but we simply donít know each other well enough to even be that involved.
    That's a good idea. Give them time and space. Enforce healthy boundaries. Kids cannot enjoy each other's company if parents are uncomfortable, tense and stressed. I agree with others, perhaps more neutral ground such as a park and picnic would be a better idea than houses. If you are still unhappy with this arrangement, then exit this friendship and get develop a new set of friends with children. Don't deal anymore. Don't bother. This is what I do nowadays. Either people behave properly with utmost integrity or I don't want anything to do with them anymore. It's as simple and straight forward as that.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Videos


How To Overcome A Divorce

Love Hormone Oxytocin Improves Stressful Relationships

Forgiveness Does Not Always Solve Relationship Problems

Too Much Commitment Can Destroy Romantic Relationship

Why Is It So Hard To Quit Smoking?

TV Romance Can Ruin Real-Life Relationships
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •