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Thread: pretending to be someone else whilst knowing your partner struggles with online

  1. #1

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    pretending to be someone else whilst knowing your partner struggles with online

    I have been a porn addict for quite some time. I didn't know how bad it was until I got with my current gf. She doesn't like porn I do. She doesn't like me watching it and I started to watch behind her back and lie about it. I didn't want to hurt her feelings and to avoid confrontation I would lie she would find out we would argue. If I told her the truth we would argue too. I also have issues with seeking attention online and sexting I know this is wrong in a relationship and I tried to stop but was unsuccessful and my gf found out she was obviously very angry hurt and upset. This happened numerous times I wasn't doing this because I wanted to it was a bad habit and I felt dirty and cheap afterwards and wanted it to stop. I tried counselling and sought after advice my gf tried to help as best as she could. You get the picture now. I was about 8 months into not doing anything of this sort of behavior I had returned home and my ex messaged asking about my aunty that had just passed away we have been broken up like 9 years we are definitely not into each other anymore I deleted the messages because me and my gf are not staying with each other due to the virus outbreak. She thought I was with her which is absolutely ridiculous but because of my track record she obviously finds it hard to trust me. I had WhatsApp on my phone no one had my number I had no contacts whatsoever I wasn't using WhatsApp it was just downloaded. In the morning I had a contact that had added me and I initially thought the only possible person who could have number is my gf but I didn't read too much into it and I replied to the message the conversation turned flirty and I didn't say I had a gf when asked or anything and ended up sending pictures it turned out it was my gf pretending to be someone else. I know I shouldn't have done what I did. I just feel as though she knew what I was struggling with and knew I was going through difficult times and I feel as though she exploited my weaknesses and help undo all the work I had put into making things right. Am I right to feel like this? was it fair for her to do that? She has said she wants to end the relationship. I am confused, angry and upset about this and don't know what to do. I have to start from step one all over gain now and I'm really angry with myself. Any advice? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Get back to therapy, online if that is the only type available. I would suggest you get yourself offline 100% so you cant surf porn sites and talk to strangers and search for attention. Unplug yourself to remove temptation.

    Your gf was wrong to trick you as she did.

  3. #3
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    You have to take responsibility for your own actions. If it wasn't your girlfriend you just showed her that you're still untrustworthy and continue to flirt with other women online. You're upset that she caught you out back to your old tricks (so to speak).

    Continue with your therapy for as long as it takes to break this "habit" and teach you self-control, because you'll never have a happy or successful relationship if this is what you do.

  4. #4
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    Your gf is not to blame for you going back to square one. You and only you are.

    You gf never trusted you and should have ended the relationship a long time ago because of that.
    However she doubted her mistrust. She needed validation that she was not crazy for mistrusting you.
    Her means justified the end.

    Was it fair of her to do that? Not really but it has saved her from wasting her time further so I donít think she will regret it.

    You are now single and free to watch as much porn as you like and sext whoever you like.
    But will it make you happy?
    No sneaking around or having to pretend you are not doing it.

    Itís up to you , where you go from here.

    This is not just porn addiction , itís so much more than that. Itís infidelity, lack of respect for your gf , sexting others (not porn related)

    My advice would be to go to therapy as a single person , you are no longer going to please another but doing it for yourself.
    And when , only when, you have quashed this behaviour for a good year or more , should you entertain the idea of dating again.

    Best of luck!!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The victim mentality is your worst enemy. You have used it as shield to perpetuate your shams, scams, lies, deception, enjoyment of harming and fooling others. Sorry to say, therapy is not that effective for your type of psychopathology.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    You're a very deceptive person. You even deceive yourself into blaming other people for your own actions. If you don't value honesty, you will never escape this rut. Your life will be like Groundhog's Day with you asking the same questions and lamenting the same "woe is me" over the same lessons that you refuse to learn. Sounds boring.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'm going against the grain here, because I'd need to question for myself what I'm willing to give up to have a relationship with someone who would police me.

    My own private answer: nothing. I would give up nothing for that.

    I'd work backward from what I want from a relationship, then I'd keep dating and screening out people who don't align with that.

    So in your case, I'd rule out anyone who's not okay with porn--instead of pretzeling myself to conform to someone who is NOT okay porn.

    Wouldn't that take all the guilt and shame and inauthenticy out of the equation?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Are you in a conservative community or small town?

    Don't engage in relationships until you understand more about yourself and what makes you happy.

    Deceiving anyone is wrong. Find a place and a space where you can be yourself even if it means an unconventional relationship or an open relationship that allows for flirty conversations with third parties.

    When you say a porn addiction, it's good to think about the ways it affects your relationship or the relationships around you especially if it interferes with intimacy in close relationships.

    Don't lie or deceive anyone or try to be something you are not.

    I have no strong opinion on what your gf did and I'm sorry you are feeling angry and confused. She's entitled to protect herself and find out more about you than you were willing to share adequately in a relationship. It goes back to understanding that deceiving someone is wrong. Deceiving yourself is wrong. I think working on this premise forwards is a good start also. Use this as a guide and radiate outwards.

    Move forwards and start understanding yourself more.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    I'm going against the grain here, because I'd need to question for myself what I'm willing to give up to have a relationship with someone who would police me.

    My own private answer: nothing. I would give up nothing for that.

    I'd work backward from what I want from a relationship, then I'd keep dating and screening out people who don't align with that.

    So in your case, I'd rule out anyone who's not okay with porn--instead of pretzeling myself to conform to someone who is NOT okay porn.

    Wouldn't that take all the guilt and shame and inauthenticy out of the equation?
    But, it was not only about the porn, as he was seeking attention online and sexting others.

    OP, I suggest you return to therapy and end the relationship. You need to get to the root of your issues. Clearly, you are still not taking responsibility.

    Honestly, I don't understand why she has stuck around. I do not agree with her methods. but clearly YOU are not trustworthy.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Just like any addict, you divert blame, make excuses and don't take accountability. Addicts should never be in a relaiotnship in the first place while getting therapy/treatment. You should find a support group as part of your therapy. Seriously, you are the one that undone 8 months of work because you still can't cope or stop yourself. This has nothing to do with your GF, this is all about you and your problem. She needed to end this relationship, the damage was done, and I say hats off to her getting out of it. Get back into therapy and focus on yourself with no distractions....your problem is way worse that you thought.

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