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Thread: Anyone Dating or has Dated a Mama's Boy?

  1. #1

    Anyone Dating or has Dated a Mama's Boy?

    Hey everyone - I'm not sure where to start, please bare with me. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. He is 39, I am 30. Things were great in the beginning or I should say the first 4-5 years. I saw him every single day, I spent a lot of time at his family's house even if he was at work. He wanted me to be close with his family and go out together. I liked that because it showed me that he is family oriented. He's never been around my family before though. My family is racist (thank god I taught myself better). My boyfriend is Mexican, I am Lebanese. Both sides have similar values and beliefs so it works out for my boyfriend and I since we both understand each other. I pretty much told my parents that I am going to be with him regardless. My mom started to talk to him on the phone here and there, she liked him because of how old fashioned he is like we are but still never met.

    My boyfriend is adopted but he is still in communication with his biological family but I'd say he's closest to his adoptive mother and his biological sister out of all. His adoptive family are toxic while his biological family are well mannered, and just all around nice people (I should say normal lol). I noticed some off things though about his adoptive mother. Before I met her, I used to receive odd Facebook messages from her. She had no idea who I was, never met me before but would send me messages like "Dumb B****" or "B****." I was so confused. Him and I were doing great, no fights no nothing. I was really shocked, I've never been through something like that. I've always gotten a long with parents before. When I would bring it to his attention, he would in a way stick up for her. Just basically tell me to ignore it, don't respond. It happened twice. At first I didn't even know who she was until he told me that's his mom. I'm like ummm ok weird.

    His adoptive mother and I met for our first time when my boyfriend was having shooting pains in his body, and we all went to the ER. Her and I sat in the waiting room talking. I remember her telling me how she regrets the day she adopted him because he has major issues. That the day he threw his birthday cake into the garbage at the age of 12, she thought she was making the worst decision ever to keep him and said she still feels that way. My eyes got bold and I said oh wow. That's all. She would tell me things like "Don't think he'll ever take you out. He won't. He never has any money. Don't think he'll ever marry you, I see that ring on your finger. That ring will never be real." Just talking real badly about him. Asked me why I would want to be with someone with a mental illness. I just couldn't believe she was saying this about him. I know now that she was doing it to get me away. Others may look at it as her just warning me but no, this is different.

    A few weeks later, my boyfriend was in rage. I was so confused. He told me "How dare you tell my mom she should've never adopted me! That she should've given me back, she made a huge mistake." I said "Why would I say something like that?!" Then he said "Yeah she told me you had googly eyes and rolled your eyes." I said "No, my eyes got bold because I was shocked she would talk about her son this way." He didn't believe me. Believed her every single time. If he was hanging out with me all day without her, she would call me out of my name, try to run in front of my car to get me to run her over when I drop him off at night time knowing I wouldn't be able to see her. She would make up stories about me to him knowing that he struggles with paranoia. She would tell him she had a nightmare about me that I was out to get him and hurt him. Anything I told him, she would tell him I was lying and he would doubt my love all the time or think I was playing with his head.

    I told myself I wasn't going to ever let her win. I'm a quiet well mannered woman and I'd never talk down to anyone's mother no matter how cruel she is. My boyfriend told me, "Well if my mom is lying, why don't you defend yourself in front of her?" I said "Because I know it'll be 2 against 1 and you'd take her side so there's no point. I don't like drama." He just took it as I'm a liar. Until one day I was fed up. She got on his Facebook and pretended to be another woman. Now, I didn't work for 4 years because I was severely depressed. I lost my brother to cancer and I just lost myself for a while. I asked who was on his Facebook and she just kept playing as if she's another woman. I said "Oh I know who this is, his mom." She said "Get a job you bum b****. Don't worry about who is on his Facebook. That's not your concern." I said "I am his girlfriend. Whether you like it or not, I will be in his life and I am not a bum b****." She said "Yeah well that won't last long. I'll make sure he leaves you." I was frustrated and said "Do you have anything better to do than to be a b****? Are you that miserable? You haven't worked for 20 years and you're calling me a bum?" I just went off. After 4 or 5 years, I've had enough.

    She called him and blamed everything on me of course. He took her side. I stopped responding to his calls. He was freaking out but I was soooo fed up. A few months later, I started a new relationship. It wasn't my intention to but I rekindled with an old friend. I'll admit, it was probably one of those rebound relationships. My boyfriend kept calling my phone (at the time he was my ex), and I finally answered and said that I moved on and to leave me alone. He claimed to have "checked" his mom that day but I don't believe it with the way he was yelling at me as if I did wrong. I left him for a year. For that whole year, he tired contacting me so many different ways. Until one day I finally answered. We've been together ever singe, that was in 2017. He said his mom hates me and I said "No she doesn't hate me, she hates anyone who gets close to you or any of her other sons." I told him I am okay with never seeing her again. I do not tolerate toxicity, get her away from me. I have not spoken to his mom since. She did call me one day because I mean she knows we are together no matter how much we try to hide it to avoid drama. She went off on me and I was quiet and hung up.

    Anyways, ever since his mom and I don't talk, he's been cold and distant. Rarely calls me, rarely ever sees me. I was with him the other day after not seeing him for 3 months, and his behavior in person is soooo different than when we're away from each other. He's all over me, loving, sweet, attentive. I assumed it's because of his mom. When he's around her, he's too scared to answer the phone or to text me. I'm getting my own place in 3 months, and I'm sure things will be better then as he will be at my house often away from her. Although I know the reason why he's so distant, it still hurts me and I find myself seeking reassurance often. What I'm trying to ask, and I'm afraid to ask because I really hate receiving biased opinions. "Leave him. It never gets better." I'm looking for a different kind of advice. I'm looking for people who can relate to me who are in this situation or have been. I'm looking for solutions. I'm looking for reassurance of why he's so distant. I'm looking for a shoulder to lean on because I have no one. If possible, I'm also looking for someone I can chat with when things are going downhill and I need to vent or ask for more advice. I truly need your help.

    I love this man and I refuse to let his mother win, ever. I will always be here. Anyways, I appreciate all of your help and looking forward to seeing your responses. Have a great day!! :)

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why was he adopted if he is close to his biological family? Does he live with his adoptive family? You should not be hanging out with them. On/off relationships with this much family drama seem like a heartache and headache no one needs.

    Distance yourself from the mother. Stop this war with her. Let her be her and stop triangulating all this into a battle for your bf. You'll never win.
    Originally Posted by SarahLove30
    My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. He is 39, I am 30. My boyfriend is Mexican, I am Lebanese.

    A few months later, I started a new relationship. I left him for a year. He said his mom hates me

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    This relationship is not worth it. RUN, don’t walk. You don’t want to put up with this crap for the next 50 years.

  4. #4
    *Response to Wiseman2* It took him a very long time, about 38 years for him to finally want to come around his biological mother. He's asked her numerous times why she gave him up at birth but she would just burst into tears and refuse to answer. He decided to put the past in the past and forgive her. Now he visits them often.

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  6. #5
    *Response to Seraphim*As mentioned in my post, I do not have any plans of leaving. I noticed your signature says "PTSD Awareness." My boyfriend is diagnosed with Bipolar and PTSD. I love him and I will always be there for him. I will not let a woman who takes advantage of his mental illness to control him and play with his head get in the way of my love for him. It bothers me so much when people take advantage of mental illness and uses it as a way to manipulate them and destroy their love lives and lives period. As if they don't go through enough as is. It's cruel.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this. Very, very tough stuff.

    Based on the kind of advice you want—or at least offering advice knowing that leaving him is not, right now, a possibility—I would suggest that you work on accepting the idea that some part of you is drawn to everything you're finding so understandably challenging. You say you don't tolerate toxicity, for example, but from what you've just written I struggle to see that as a truth, since this is high-level toxicity, extending over years of your life, basically the whole of your adulthood and the core fabric of your relationship. If you didn't tolerate it, you wouldn't be wearing the shoes you're wearing.

    I'm not saying that in judgement, but just being realistic. In other words, rather than think of all this with his mother as a "bad" exception to an otherwise "good" thing, I wonder if you can try to isolate, and get intimate with, what it is about all this that appeals to you, or at least compels. Because, no, it's not going anywhere, as you don't need me to tell you. It may lurk in the shadows for long stretches, but this is his mother, a living human being with enormous sway over his emotions. You can't replace her, or teach him to relate to her differently, feel different feelings. You don't ever "win" this, in short, and neither does she, since it's not a competition.

    It just is. And, as the saying goes, it is what it is.

    Relationships only really work when we can accept what they actually are, not take comfort in how they may change, what fights we may be able to "win," what lessons we can impart to another, how successfully we can guide someone from darkness to light. What you're dealing with with her—and him—is a tsunami of difficulty, but I think the only way to deal with it is to come to terms with it, with the idea that it's what you want, exactly as it is. Perhaps if you were able to articulate what you find appealing about it all—meaning why you like the role you've signed up for—you'd be able to find some version of peace with it.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Honestly, I don't think this is a fight you can win.

    He loves his mom, he trusts her, over you. She doesn't accept you. It's always going to be one sided where he always chooses her if it comes down to choosing to believe her or you.

    The other thing is, he is suffering. He wants a partner who gets along with his mother as he truly loves and needs his mom. You won't ever be someone his mother accepts, therefore, he is always going to suffer.
    It would be reasonable to ask yourself if you're doing right by trying to force this, or if you truly loved him, maybe let him go so he possibly might find someone who suits his family better.

    I realize you said that you're not ever going to leave and so that is going to have this poor fellow stuck in the middle between you and his mom.
    He has mental health issues, it's not fair for you to ask him to walk away from her. He obviously finds comfort in her and feels he needs her support.
    I wouldn't make him choose between you or her.

    Honestly, it does sound like you love him, but this really does sound like a battle you can't win and your boyfriend is the one who is going to suffer the most in the end.

  9. #8
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SarahLove30
    *Response to Seraphim*As mentioned in my post, I do not have any plans of leaving. I noticed your signature says "PTSD Awareness." My boyfriend is diagnosed with Bipolar and PTSD. I love him and I will always be there for him. I will not let a woman who takes advantage of his mental illness to control him and play with his head get in the way of my love for him. It bothers me so much when people take advantage of mental illness and uses it as a way to manipulate them and destroy their love lives and lives period. As if they don't go through enough as is. It's cruel.
    All I have to tell you is good luck. My mom married a mommy and daddy boy with severe mental health issues. Due to that my mom today is severely crippled and suffered unspeakable cruelty. Thank Jesus she left 30 years ago. I have PTSD and my brother has severe mental scars. I married a man who was a mama and daddy boy and I suffered through 30 years of their insane BS. Now thankfully they are late 80’s and on their last legs.

    It is a HARD HARD HARD life.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Would you please leave the font as the default and not change it to the gothic font... It's incredibly hard on the eyes and you may receive more responses if you stick to the default. I don't know about the others but I did have to hit reply with quote to read the system generated quote in order to read through all of what you wrote.

    Do you also mind me asking if you are going to therapy or getting some handle on your depression or receiving treatment?

    You are being judged (a bit crassly) for your lack of a job but that is besides the point. A person doesn't have to work or have a career to have an identity outside of their personal life. They can volunteer, help out in the community or have some goal or dream of something bigger. All the comments directed to you were because you were unemployed. His adoptive mother dislikes you because you don't appear to have an identity outside of their family.

    What do you do in your free time besides FB? You have spent a LOT of time with this other person's family and that can appear needy, clingy and there's not enough space between your boyfriend and you. Do you have an identity outside of your boyfriend? What are you doing with your life or would you have any plans for your own future outside of your boyfriend's family?

    What do you hope to achieve? Is it the wife status? To be a full time wife and mother? I'm trying to understand what your identity is separate from your relationship.

    Relationships are very tricky especially when it comes to working with other generations (younger and older).

    You have to stop living in your own world 24.7 and be able to see things from different perspectives. What is his adoptive mother fearful of? To me, she appears fearful of a woman who doesn't appear (from the outset) to have any direction in her own life. Don't take this in a bad day. This is why I'm asking what is it you're working on in your own life. It's important to develop your own sense of identity. No matter what she says or what others say YOU have a good grasp of what you are and what you are doing.

    If you want to do this right, I'm going to suggest something that may make heads roll but bear with me.

    Come at this from a different perspective: Apologize to her for the misunderstandings and ask her if she would like to meet with you. Let her understand that you want to understand what she's saying and what her concerns are.

    If you are still hurting and angry and depressed with the loss of your brother you will be defensive to criticisms from others. This is natural but this is also on you. Work through your depression. See a therapist or have a second opinion. Practice good habits.

    Eventually if you want to handle this like a mature adult you're going to have to bridge these divides and stop thinking of his family members as the enemy. She is not someone to tolerate. She can be your ally. You just have to see whether you can connect with her. Respect is earned also. You'll have to develop your sense of self a lot more or allow it to come to the surface.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Sarah:

    I can only echo the excellent advice given here by the other posters. I can assure you that on this ENA site no one will tell you what you WANT to hear.

    You remark:

    "I really hate receiving biased opinions. "Leave him. It never gets better." I'm looking for a different kind of advice"

    The opinions given are not "biased". They are objective, and with your interests at heart.

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