Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 29

Thread: When you meet someone amazing but aren't ready for a relationship...

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    The Rocinante'
    Posts
    2,471

    When you meet someone amazing but aren't ready for a relationship...

    Hey all,
    First thread in a really long time. I will keep this short and simple.

    Recently I met someone who is amazing in so many ways. We were acquaintances for a while. Then she was looking for a place to live, and my previous roommate had just moved out. So I messaged her and told her I have a spare room I rent out if she is interested. She moved in about a month later.

    Well, in the time she's been living here we have gotten really close. There are nights we've sat out on the porch until 4am talking. She is my age. She's lived a really interesting life. She is intelligent, talented, funny, kind, attractive, and we have a lot of the same interests.

    She has expressed interest in me multiple times. She told me she is the kind of person who says what she thinks and doesn't hold things back, ever.

    But the problem is right now I am just not mentally healthy enough for a relationship. Relationships bring out the worst in me in so many ways. I have been diagnosed with OCD and Major Depressive Disorder. My OCD especially is really relationship-centric and becomes really hard to manage when I'm in a relationship. I am just a lot happier and more content when I'm single. I'm currently in therapy but I have been for years. I do what I can to manage it, but there's no cure, so I'm kind of screwed I guess.

    At first, we decided we would just see what happens. But now that some time has passed I know I can't handle a relationship right now, and so now I get to break the news to her. We have talked about all of this. She told me she is will to wait while I take my time to figure things out. But I don't think she realizes I will probably never figure things out.

    I've been in so many bad relationships Now here is the potential for something good, and I just can't handle it. And I really do like her. And then after I end what hasn't even started yet, I still have to see her every day because she lives in my house. I'm really not sure what to do.

    I really hope I can post this without a ton of judgment in the comments. Not in the mood for that today. (or ever.) Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    14,054
    It's OK. Really, it is. I commend you for knowing you're not available for a relationship (no matter what the reason is).

    I would definitely not try to force yourself into a relationship with this woman. You are right to not want to do so.

    Continue to be honest with her. Hopefully she will continue to be your friend.

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    53
    Posts
    37,972
    Gender
    Female
    I think it is great she knows and understands your boundaries. I agree it sucks when you find somebody worthwhile but donít have the ability in the moment. Just be kind with yourself. It is good that you know your limits.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    The Rocinante'
    Posts
    2,471
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    It's OK. Really, it is. I commend you for knowing you're not available for a relationship (no matter what the reason is).

    I would definitely not try to force yourself into a relationship with this woman. You are right to not want to do so.

    Continue to be honest with her. Hopefully, she will continue to be your friend.

    She told me herself even if dating doesn't work out we will always be friends. Hopefully she means it.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    22,926
    I think it is great that you have been so straightforward.

    I think you need to tell her not to wait, as things will not change for you. Don't know if it will be possible to continue the living arrangement.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    The Rocinante'
    Posts
    2,471
    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I think it is great she knows and understands your boundaries. I agree it sucks when you find somebody worthwhile but donít have the ability in the moment. Just be kind with yourself. It is good that you know your limits.
    Yea... my mental health is just too far gone right now. No one wants to be with someone who is crazy. All the things she likes about me now would probably not be as prevalent in my personality if we were together.

    And my therapist is retiring in two months... so now I get to go through the joy of finding another therapist after being with the same one for years. The point I'm making here is if her and I were to start a relationship, there might be a time in the near future that I dn't have a therapist, and then she would probably really see me at my worst because I don't have an outlet.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,680
    Gender
    Male
    This is either very simple or very complicated, depending on which way you want to hold the prism.

    Let's start with the simple version. You're not ready to be in a relationship. That's not "bad" or "good," but just a fact of you, today, one that predated meeting her and has nothing to do with her. Is what it is, in short, and so you make that fact very clear to her: first in words, followed by actions. You're a little vague on how much this has progressed romantically, but the vibe I get is not so far, so dialing things back should be pretty straight-forward.

    Onto the complicated version. It seems that you have a pretty fatalistic self-conception, at least on the romantic front. The "I'm kind of screwed I guess" and "I will probably never figure this out" stuff, in short. Being content single, not being ready or open to a relationship: these are hardly states of being "screwed." I've spent plenty of time in those states, for instance, time during which I met some wonderful, amazing women. Alas, it wasn't the time. Always a touch melancholy, sure, but part of life: a chapter in the novel, not the entire story. "Never," remember, is a very, very long time. Best not to place bets on such wide margins.

    Guess what I'm saying is that, if you can come to see it a bit more like that, a moment like this is bittersweet, not a reinforcement of some apocalypse. Every cool person who shows interest in us is not necessarily the person for us: sad but true. Timing is real, and this is one of those moments where time is asking to be respected, so you can respect her and respect yourself.

  9. #8
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    53
    Posts
    37,972
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Cynder
    Yea... my mental health is just too far gone right now. No one wants to be with someone who is crazy. All the things she likes about me now would probably not be as prevalent in my personality if we were together.

    And my therapist is retiring in two months... so now I get to go through the joy of finding another therapist about being with the same one for years. Point I"m making here is if her and I were to start a relationship, there might be a time in the near future that I dn't have a therapist, and then she would probably really see me at my worst because I don't have an outlet.
    But you were honest, more than a lot of people.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    The Rocinante'
    Posts
    2,471
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    This is either very simple or very complicated, depending on which way you want to hold the prism.

    Let's start with the simple version. You're not ready to be in a relationship. That's not "bad" or "good," but just a fact of you, today, one that predated meeting her and has nothing to do with her. Is what it is, in short, and so you make that fact very clear to her: first in words, followed by actions. You're a little vague on how much this has progressed romantically, but the vibe I get is not so far, so dialing things back should be pretty straight-forward.

    Onto the complicated version. It seems that you have a pretty fatalistic self-conception, at least on the romantic front. The "I'm kind of screwed I guess" and "I will probably never figure this out" stuff, in short. Being content single, not being ready or open to a relationship: these are hardly states of being "screwed." I've spent plenty of time in those states, for instance, time during which I met some wonderful, amazing women. Alas, it wasn't the time. Always a touch melancholy, sure, but part of life: a chapter in the novel, not the entire story. "Never," remember, is a very, very long time. Best not to place bets on such wide margins.

    Guess what I'm saying is that, if you can come to see it a bit more like that, a moment like this is bittersweet, not a reinforcement of some apocalypse. Every cool person who shows interest in us is not necessarily the person for us: sad but true. Timing is real, and this is one of those moments where time is asking to be respected, so you can respect her and respect yourself.
    As far as how far it's progressed, yea I was vague on purpose. We haven't slept together. But there has been some physical contact, kissing, etc. We went out last night with my other tennant. And the other girl ran into someone she knows and spent most of the night talking to him at another table. So her and I were alone more of the time and it felt like a date, but it wasn't officially that.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,680
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Cynder
    As far as how far it's progressed, yea I was vague on purpose. We haven't slept together. But there has been some physical contact, kissing, etc. We went out last night with my other tennant. And the other girl ran into someone she knows and spent most of the night talking to him at another table. So her and I were alone more of the time and it felt like a date, but it wasn't officially that.
    Doesn't really change the response. You've both put some toes across the line where friendship blurs into romance, and you've realized this isn't the time to keep wading into those waters. Happens among adults. Is the more common story, in fact.

    In your shoes? I suppose I'd take note of my frustration, and channel that a bit. Reading between the lines, I can't help but get the impression that, when you think of your life in the big picture, you wouldn't mind it including a sustained romantic relationship that doesn't fray the wiring. Which, hey, great. Might not happen next week, this year, or next, but no need for this moment to affirm that you're not functional in this regard. Maybe just the opposite, if you can soften the instinct for self-recrimination.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Videos


Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems

Friendship Between Men and Women Often Involves Attraction

Infidelity
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •