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Thread: Trust issue

  1. #11
    Gold Member waffle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I don't get drunk, I don't take drugs, I don't cheat - you know what else? None of my friend do any of these things either, ever. I don't keep company with people who don't align with my morals and values. Please wrap your head around that. It will help you a lot.

    The thing about drugs especially is that most people have way too much to lose in life to hang around drug users...unless....they are themselves into it.

    Let's say for a moment that he really doesn't do any of those things. Why would he keep friends like that around him and put his life at risk of arrest and jail time as accessory? He is a grown man, he knows the consequences. Only reason is that it props up his ego, makes him feel superior to the "scum" around him. That right there is also really bad news for you. That kind of hidden meanness will eventually come out and bite you in the rear. It still circles back to beneath the "nice man" mask lies a monster.

    I know you don't want to hear this, but....I'm not going to pretend that what he is doing is kosher. It's not and there is no way around that. Sane, normal, healthy people do not keep that kind of company and that's that.
    My life experience matches the above.

    It's foolish to claim to know anything about this guy "for a fact." You don't know any real facts about his (perceived lack of) drug use, alcohol use, prostitute use, any of those things. And he's not going to tell you if he partook in any of those things particularly the prostitutes. There's a reason these men are his friends because you don't hang around for long with people you have nothing in common with. What, this single man just sat in his hotel room while his (married) buddies sampled hookers? Chances are good if his friends did he did too, although it sounds great to tell you that he is so much better than his cheater friends. Yeah. Better be on alert around this guy.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    All I'm going to say is if you want to know who a man really is, look at the company he keeps. These are his friends and this is what they do and I doubt it's the first time.

    You will never know if he did something on that trip that time around or not, but....telling yourself that he is soooo different from his friends is quite frankly foolish. We choose our friends by who we are deep down. He isn't different and I don't think you are being paranoid at all. What you are dealing with is your gut is ringing alarms and you are trying to rationalize them away because you like him.

    Given the company he keeps, behind the nice man mask lives a different creature that is not all that nice, you just haven't seen that part yet.
    So true....

    Irina, are your girlfriends unfaithful when you all go out?

  3. #13
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    Irina, pull your head out of the sand. I agree with the other posters regarding the friends. I, too, do not have friends who get drunk, do drugs or cheat on their partners. You need to wake up, as this behavior is acceptable for your bf.

    If you don't believe that he was serviced by a hooker, then I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    He may have told you about the other guys bc he had some guilt. Then he changed his mind and left his part out...

    Its a liar's trick. they tell the truth up to a point. That way they dont have to remember any lies. And if at some point, you find out, he'll say, remember I told you they were are all doing coke and with hookers, but I wasnt! Why would I tell you if I was doing it, too, baby? I'm so hurt you don't trust me.

    He may never admit to anything he did. And you'll never know. But you can use this as insight into him., who he surrounds himself with, as others have said. It can also be an opportunity for you to decide for yourself, if these are important people to him, why? If you believe him, then you do and if its a one time trip, that's different than the quarterly guys weekend away. birds of a feather flock together... remember that.

    You said you're prone to overthinking and being paranoid.... the big problem with that, aside from the anxiety etc, is it causes you to not trust yourself and doubt your gut feelings.

    That's what I'd start working on. Get yourself in a better state. You might be surprised at what "you just know" when you stop the over thinking and trust yourself. These kinds of problems dont happen...

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  6. #15
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    OP, all you need to know is that without trust you have no relationship. Think about it.

  7. #16

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    Yes it was a one off trip. He rang me multiple times and was sober all the time. Thatís just who he is. Iíve seen it multiple times over the past year that while his friends are drunk etc he remains sober. His friends wives would always tell me Iím lucky that way and that he doesnt engage in that lifestyle. That part I have no doubt about. There were other guys on the trip not engaging in this stuff. Guys from my experience seem to be able to block out their friends indiscretions if they know them a long time easier than women. Also he is a much different person in every sense to these men, career wise, family wise etc. Thatís never something I feared. I agree that often friends gravitate towards each other for a reason but I also feel thT childhood friends can have a different dynamic. As someone prone to overthinking believe me Iíd have it well sussed long before if drugs and alcohol were something I needed to worry about. I agree that I have trust issues and yes itís hard to trust yourself when prone to anxiety.. this is something I have been working on for years and continue to do so. Weíre all human hey! The idea of some of the men using prostitues did really unsettle me .. I donít know why Iím really posting on here.. I think due to being an anxious person Iím looking for some kind of certainty that infidelity never occurred.. I find it hard to trust I suppose

  8. #17
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Personally I donít see any reason to blow up the relationship over anything youíve written.

    If you stay with him then you need to decide if it would be healthier to give him the benefit of the doubt, or to obsess and ruminate.

  9. #18
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    6 months ago he went on a boys weekend in Vegas.
    He should not have told you that some of his friends cheated on their partners because it was not his place to say or none of your business.

    However he did. What was he to gain from that? Nothing except a paranoid girlfriend. So it seems.

    I do however think he is a little self righteous. He doesnít drink much or do drugs or hook up with prostitutes yet hangs out with people that do ALL weekend in Vegas. Why did he go? Was it a golfing weekend?
    Iím genuinely asking. What was the desire to go , when really it was likely only ever going to be a booze fun filled weekend?

    Most people are not friends with their childhood friends in adulthood unless they took the same or similar path.
    They outgrow each other.

    If they plan another weekend in Vegas in a few months time, would you be ok with him going?
    If not why not?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's not about his friends drinking habits. It's about whether you believe and trust him. Only time will tell. In the meantime visit your doctor and get tested for STDs. Why not cover all the bases?

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Irina88
    Guys from my experience seem to be able to block out their friends indiscretions if they know them a long time easier than women.
    I am amazed by this incredibly sexist comment. You don't seem to hold men up to a very high standard, and that's unfortunate for your future happiness. You will always choose low if you expect low.

    Originally Posted by Irina88
    I donít know why Iím really posting on here.. I think due to being an anxious person Iím looking for some kind of certainty that infidelity never occurred.. I find it hard to trust I suppose
    You're posting on here because you're actually worried about it (as you should be). Unfortunately, for some reason, you'd rather blame yourself than admit to common sense.

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