my boyfriend cheated on me, and we're working on things (more like i'm working)

a little backstory into it.

my boyfriend and i have been dating for close to two years and we had a pretty great relationship, he's my first relationship and i'm his second serious one. my boyfriend has always been insecure about other guys (his ex cheated on him, i found out later that they both slept with other people during the multiple breaks they went on) and i initially thought it was sweet. on our 1 year anniversary, i found out he cheated on me six months into our relationship on a trip he went on with his two friends. he said he got drunk and walked away from his friends with a stripper. i found out by looking through his followings on instagram and saw here there. i confronted him about it and he initially lied about it, then admitted they exchanged social media only. come to find out after pressing him more, that he did more than just that with her. he says he couldn't go through with it all the way but i found out later that they messages each other to see if they were "clean" so i don't know how much i can believe him when he says they didn't have sex fully. bottom line is, i got betrayed.

i feel like everything changed after finding that out, and we struggled to keep our relationship afloat. he says he regrets it and wants to show me that he isn't that kind of person. we never broke up from it, i wasn't ready to break up with him and he didn't want to let me go. but i never got the chance to heal, and i tried to tell him that but he redirects it into making me feel guilty by saying "look at all the progress we've made" and "i feel like i can never live past what happened", etc. i end up being the one reassuring him that we're going to be okay. a couple months has passed since then and i caught him on onlyfans, which i wasn't thrilled about but i understood that it's basically porn and i didn't make a huge deal about it. what did upset me was that he had a message with someone there. it wasn't anything explicit but who knows what could have happened if it continued (and it didn't because he sent his reply right before coming over to mine), he said that he wasn't taking it seriously and he knew it was a "bot" so he replied anyways. i didn't understand his reasoning, it sounded like complete bull to me, but again we fought and he said he'd do better and never put me in that situation again. and i gave him another chance to "do better."

welp, i'm now at a place where i'm a lot more emotionally stable. when he cheated on me, i was dealing with health problems (which resulted in all my hair falling out) so i was wearing wigs. i felt really down about myself but tried to keep it to myself and not let it hinder our relationship. he was supportive, but finding out that i was dealing with that and he still cheated on me, felt like a double punch to the gut. i'm a lot more guarded around him. i went through a period where after it all happened, i'd check his phone constantly. but he'd clear his search history, clear his texts with his close friends (the ones he went on that trip with, twice--he says he didn't cheat the second time but he went to the same club she worked at). after awhile, i just gave up caring.

but now i'm starting to realize, how easy he had it, how easy i made it for him. and i'm realizing that all this "making up" and "doing better" that he promised, i have yet to see any of it. he never surprises me, never really calls when i feel down, i can't even tell you the last time he got me flowers or bought me something nice. or even wrote me a nice little card. i told him time and time again, even before we had a falling out, that i LOVE those little gestures and he always says he wants to do those things for me. and any time i confront him or ask him why he never has yet, he says it's because he's "waiting for the right time" which i have no clue when that is.

i feel like i have to always ask for things. and sometimes i feel like i'm asking for too much, when really it's the bare minimum. i had to ask multiple times if he could maybe post me and us a little more on his social media because it looked like didn't have a girlfriend at all. but god forbid i take down my posts of him and us, or if i seem single on there. i struggled with my self worth a lot after it happened, and he didn't do much to help me with it, so i grew from it and learned to heal on my own. he gets frustrated with me when i mention what happened, and try to talk about how much i'm hurting.

besides all this, he's a great guy. i just don't know if he's a great boyfriend. i'm scared of being another learning experience for him and i'm so bitter that he made me one already to begin with. is it really worth the risk again?

Sorry to hear this. You need to get tested for STDs and more importantly preserve your self-respect and end things with him.

-he cheated on me six months into our relationship on a trip he went on with his two friends.

-he initially lied about it, then admitted they exchanged social media only

-a couple months has passed since then and i caught him on onlyfans he had a message with someone there

Once a cheater, always a cheater....and he's cheated on you more than once already.

You are basically clinging on to a cheater for dear life. Why? Is he the last guy on this planet?

Stop wasting your time and energy on this loser. The moment you delete him from your life is the moment you'll feel immense relief - no more fear, no more lies, no more looking over your shoulder wondering what he is doing to you now and with who. Exit this madness and you'll find that life is actually great. There are roughly 4 billion men on this planet and most of them....don't cheat.... Think on that. You HAVE options.

Well, since you keep taking him back and since (I presume) you continue to tell him you love him, where is his motivation to stop cheating?

The part that stood to me was, aside from this he is a great guy.

You know he's not. He's done nothing but care of himself and do thibgs behind your back.

You deserve better. I'd move on from this guy. It will hurt. All endings hurt, but you gotta get away from guys that are selfish lying, cheaters.

He's not sorry. He's not changed. You're making a mistake, not honoring yourself more.

Sometimes it takes years to process betrayal. The time it takes for you to process all of it may be the time you're working yourself up to leave an unhealthy situation. The forum will tell you when something isn't right and when someone else is treating you badly. You have to be the one to put it in to action and hear your own voice of reason.

Do you live together? Have you seen your doctor or been for a follow up check up for your health?

besides all this, he's a great guy

He's a liar, a cheater, he makes minimal efforts. That's far from a "great guy". If he's willing to cheat a partner, he's willing to cheat anyone and lie to anyone.

Whatever you have with him, is more made up in your mind than an actual romance. Dump this loser. All you will find is misery and sadness with him.

i have been dating for close to two years and we had a pretty great relationship

If he was willing to not only eye up another girl right at the start of your relationship and more than likely got into bed with her, then no, your relationship has never been great. :(

It's been a relationship that has been full of lies, secrets and him never being loyal. Also, if you have to almost beg a guy to pay you attention, continuously ask him to post about you on his social media, then that again is huge red flags that this guy does not love you, is not proud to have you for a gf and this is not a good relationship.

Don't let HIS behavior make you feel bad. He treats women badly, it's not you.

Find a guy who is attentive, is proud to have you for a gf, loves making efforts for you if he thinks it will cheer you up. There are guys out there like that.

This guy isn't one of them and never will be.

He's obviously not afraid of losing you simply because he knows you'll never walk away. Also, he's become quite comfortable with disrespecting you.

I can't speak for others, but I wouldn't have the energy to keep up, and stay with a cheater in the long term. In short, I'd present him with his walking papers, and take the lesson with me.

Get tested and dump this lying, gas lighting cheat. You should have been done after the first incident.

he does not love or respect you. If you think that this guy is "great" then I can;t imagine what you think is bad. Why are your standards so low?

Basically the first 6 months of your two year relationship was good.

The first 6 months always is , but then people get to know each other better and decide whether it’s worth pursuing or not.

What you found out is that it’s not worth pursuing but stayed anyway. Why?

What you are describing now , is who your bf is (always was , always will be) , what your relationship is (always will be)

The question is are you willing to stay in the relationship as it stands now, because it is not going to get any better ?

What you want is for him to be a different person and behave like a bf you want. Not going to happen.

What are you going to do?

is it really worth the risk again?

NO. Absolutely no. What you see is what you get and he's not going to change for the better. Besides that, once trust is broken you rarely ever get it back again and without trust there is no relationship. Also remember, he treats you the way YOU allow him to. Head for the hills and never look back. The sooner the better. Show him you have some dignity and self-respect.

You've been in denial a long time.

This is not a great guy. Far from it. I have no doubt you thought he was, though, which is why you're having a hard time accepting that he isn't. What you know is likely not all there is to know about his bad behaviour.

It's time to end this relationship. For all intents and purposes, it's been over a long time anyway.

Yeah if he's cheated I would end it. Cheating is unforgivable to me. The trust is gone. There's nothing left to fight for.

What kind of relationship 'work' can you do without your partner's invested participation?

I'd sink those efforts into myself, instead, and from there you'll hopefully recognize that you deserve better and can find better if you'll give yourself the credit.

Head high.