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Thread: Worried about a friend

  1. #21
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Eliza50
    I just told her to be careful and changed the subject.
    Best move you could have made. At 50 she presumably knows that blackmail is illegal. I'd limit any discussion of him, and if that means she's in my life less rather than more, I'd consider that to be safer and saner given the company she's choosing.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member browneyedgirl36's Avatar
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    Ugh -- I feel your pain here.

    I've had a friend for decades who has ALWAYS made bad decisions about men. She had a years-long affair with a married guy, among other bad decisions, and I got to the point where I just told her I thought it was wrong, I thought she was making a mistake, and that it wasn't going to turn out like she hoped it would, but that I loved her and would be there for her. I made it clear, though, that I did not support her having an affair with a married guy AT ALL, even if I supported her as a person. She finally had to let him go when he flat out told her he wasn't ever going to leave his wife for her (whew!) and she no longer talks to him. Since then, she's been involved with another guy I thought was wrong for her (not a married guy but one who still wasn't ever going to be with her regardless), and I told her the same thing -- "I support YOU, but I think you're short-changing yourself waiting around for something that isn't going to happen." To this day, she still makes excuses for why they're not together, going so far as to say that he has "financial stuff he has to get together before he can be in a relationship" -- uhhh...no. He's in his early 50's. She's known him for nearly 30 years. If he doesn't have it together -- financially and otherwise -- by now, I doubt he ever will. It's just a lie she tells herself to avoid admitting that he just doesn't want to be with her. I have stopped talking to her about him. If she mentions him, I respond politely, but I don't ask about him, nor do I encourage a lengthy conversation about him. It's exhausting and frustrating to engage in endless conversations about toxic and/or dead-end relationships.

    My point: You can be a caring, supportive friend without supporting your friend's bad choices in men. If she starts talking about him, it might be helpful to tell her, one time (or one last time, if you have already told her): I'm here for you, and I want you to be happy, but I think you're making decisions that are not in your best interests, and I don't feel that I can encourage you in making these decisions, so it would probably be better if we didn't talk about this guy --I can't offer you any advice or encouragement on keeping that relationship going. It would be disingenuous/wrong for me to do so.

    I hope your friend someday realizes that this guy is bad news. He sounds, quite frankly, unstable. Yikes. It sounds as though she has really low self-esteem and is acting out of desperation rather than actual caring/love for this guy. That's something in her that needs fixing, and you don't have the power to do that. Only she does. For your own sanity, try to steer clear of discussions about her love life, but if you can't, you may have to take a break from her for awhile.

  3. #23
    Bronze Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by browneyedgirl36
    It sounds as though she has really low self-esteem and is acting out of desperation rather than actual caring/love for this guy. That's something in her that needs fixing, and you don't have the power to do that. Only she does. For your own sanity, try to steer clear of discussions about her love life, but if you can't, you may have to take a break from her for awhile.
    Every time I've told her he's bad news (which she admits, too) her reasoning was that she works hard all week and she needs ''something'' to kill time during the weekends. As for vacationing together, she 'justified' it by saying 'it would be nice to see a new place'. I know it's not the whole truth because she has many good friends and there are nice men who are interested in her...it's her choice to waste her time on this guy. We've had so many discussions that never go anywhere about him in the last 2 years that I've lost count.

    The good thing is that I'll be going on a long trip in July and I'm invited to a friend's summer house in August, so, I won't be hearing much about him and his new drama (because drama is all he's about).

  4. #24
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    Agreeing with you is irrelevant unless she takes action. I wouldn't have that conversation anymore. I agree with people that my life would be easier in non-pandemic times if I drove and I also make the choice not to act on it. Difference is I never tell people I plan to drive nor do I complain about my choice - I just agree that my choice isn't always the best one for me.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Eliza50
    She's had a crush on him for ages (even when they had stopped talking she was full of excuses for him), so, I think that she's just happy he took the time to write that email, she feels like it's a proof he cares and I'm afraid she's going to get involved with him again. It seems strange to me, too, as she is a very strong person, she has overcome so many things in her life (dysfunctional family, worst father you could imagine, a brother with permanent health issues) and she's done so well in life (started her business from scratch) but when it comes to this guy it's like she's a different person.

    I know you're all right that I shouldn't get any more involved and I don't plan to, I've already told her what I think and that I'm here for her whatever she decides to do. But I can't help worrying.
    Given that, her behavior, when it comes to relationships, is not strange at all. She is in fact exactly at a level that is comfortable and familiar to her - dysfunction and drama. It's what she perceives as love.

    Personal business, life, financial success has absolutely nothing to do with emotional or relationship health. The two are not connected. Or to put it another way, nobody is strong all around - everyone has soft spots, weak spots, dysfunctional spots, and so on. This is guy, the dysfunction he brings around is her weak spot and that's that. Best thing you can do for her is to actually refuse to be her therapist and shoulder to cry on.

  7. #26
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    I have the distinct impression this post is talking about your experience, and not a friend.

  8. #27
    Bronze Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LoreliFinn
    I have the distinct impression this post is talking about your experience, and not a friend.
    Your impression is wrong. It is about a friend and she's back with him, actually.

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