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Thread: What do I do about my fiancee's female bff

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jun 2020

    What do I do about my fiancee's female bff

    Sorry about the long post, but the background is very important.

    My fiancee and I met online over 8 years ago, and were good friends. About 2 years ago when we started dating, and recently became engaged. He has a female friend who he's known about the same amount of time. The main difference is we are LDR while she is there with him.

    When our relationship changed from strictly friendship, the female friend reached out to me, and we started becoming good friends. We would all hang out together when I would visit, and she was very supportive of us getting together, actually encouraging us to take the next step. I thought this was going to be the start of a beautiful journey.

    Shortly after my fiancee and I became serious, I noticed that her tone with me drastically changed. She started telling me that everyone there thinks they are together/ should be together. She then asked me if it bothered me. I replied and said it didn't, and asked if there was any romantic history. She told me no. I let it go, and continued to work on our friendship. That's when things went downhill. She suddenly started posting tons of pictures of them together on social media, and making it a point to tell me that they were doing date like activities- going to movies, going out for drinks, etc. When my fiancee and I were on dates, she would blow up his phone, and insist that he needed to be there, saying she would kill herself if he didnt go. At one point she told me that she knows more about what's going on in his life than I do, and got very accusatory of my intentions. At one point I let her know that we have a strong relationship, and that what I talk about with him his private. We stopped talking shortly after.

    I have confronted my fiancee several times about how I felt that she had feelings for him. He confessed that at one point, she had written him a love letter, and confessed her feelings for him. He assured me that he never reciprocated those feelings, and they were strictly friends. I tried to be supportive of their friendship, but brought up concerns with him spending money on her, buying her Plan B pills after her random hookups, and taking her to nicer places than he took me. I set boundaries that I was comfortable with, and things seemed to be going well.

    Before he came out to visit last time, I reached out to her to try and rekindle our friendship. We had what I thought were great conversations, but she blocked me in every form later that night. On his visit, he proposed and I accepted. I asked him about his friend, and told him that she had blocked me. He confessed that she was the first person he told about his plans to propose, and that she didnt take it well.

    Fast forward a year. We are still engaged, and planning our future. She is still crossing boundaries. When I confront him, he jokes about it, asking if I still hate her, and making excuses for her behavior. I'm not comfortable with their friendship anymore, and I dont think it's my place to tell him they can't be friends. I dont want to be the jealous wife, but I also can't continue to be left out, always wondering if there is something more between them.

    What do I do?

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    There is more going on or she would not still be “ friends” with him.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    There is more going on or she would not still be “ friends” with him.
    Completely agree. It's not appropriate for him to be friends with someone who doesn't respect his relationship with you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    You can't change someone like this. What you can do is be more upfront and pretend less like it doesn't bother you. You're correct not to appear as the jealous wife or jealous partner. He is an adult and capable of making his own decisions about who he wants in or out of his life.

    If you've already discussed at length about the inappropriate nature of his friendship with this person, there is nothing left to do but respect each other and separate your lives.

    If you haven't discussed it at length, do that and don't beat around the bush. You don't have to let it consume you but you can be assertive and vocal about what you agree or disagree with.

    Have a cooling off period and give yourself time to understand whether the dynamics of your relationship is something you can live with.

    You may be looking at a lifetime of poor judgment coming from him and questionable decisions.

    Choose carefully. I think the first step is realizing what's good for yourself and what you need in order to thrive.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Nothing. You're in no position to do anything about her. You had about 1,001 red flags being presented by her where it was quite obvious trying to be friends with her wasn't going to be any kind of solution.

    You are however in a position to do something about your relationship. This is who your fiancee is. I'm not sure anything is physically "going on" or I'm sure at this point she'd have plenty more to shove in your face than the high school dramatics. Fact remains the same that she's in the past expressed her love for him yet he kept her around. And since he's been with you, she's on several occasions acted like she is the jealous girlfriend. Those on their own are plenty to take at face value without concerning yourself with "what else?"

    It's not worth the arguing or confronting. State your feelings if you wan't. It's just wasted breath, though. If he can't or doesn't want to see how wild his boundaries are, or if in fact he just doesn't care, there's no talk that's going to miraculously flip the switch. You pretty much embrace a life of playing third wheel or you move onto greener pastures. It's your life, but I know what choice I'd make. People like this generally need to burn a few bridges before they finally take action on what's making them the common denominator. Unfortunately, you're gonna have to be one of those bridges.

    Not worth the pain and effort for an in-person relationship, never mind a LDR.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    There is a lot of dysfunction on her part that you cannot do a thing about.

    Your best bet is to sit down with your future husband and tell him exactly how you feel and how his dismissive remarks are not helpful and you do not feel like he takes your concerns serious.

    In the end it would be terrible for your future together to be ruined by this woman but that is exactly what she wants to happen. Remember that as you move forward.

    Your fiance needs to set and be firm about some boundaries with this "friend"


  8. #7
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    If he knows this bothers you and does nothing to protect you, your feelings and relationship ie dumping her as a friend...

    I would dump him. I could not, would not marry anyone that did not put me first. You two have agreed to build a life together... not with her.

    She is completely inappropriate and you're playing nice. How dare she make those statements. And how dare he defend her. I would be beyond mad and would not tolerate it.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Wilds of Texas
    This girl isn't the problem, your fiance is.
    He is being a grade A ahole to the both of you and playing both of you to stroke his ego. His comments to you actually show you that directly. He is getting off on the cat fight between two women over him.

    Personally, I'd have exited this situation a long time ago. It's not the sort of character that I'd want to date, let alone marry. If it's not her, it will be another girl but there will always be this messed up dynamic. What you see is what you get. Also, don't be surprised if he ends up cheating on you as well....if he hasn't already.

    This guy is not relationship, let alone marriage material. You say that your relationship is strong, yet he doesn't give a rats rear end about your feelings and won't stop stringing another woman along. He is showing zero respect for you and for his relationship with you. If your relationship was as you think, you wouldn't be posting here because there would be no other women between you. Again, the problem is him not her and I'd bet good money that he is very actively stringing her along or else she would be long gone herself. She is still around because he is feeding her hope. You are both getting played here and I sincere hope that you wake up long before you say "I do".

  10. #9
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    I'm sorry about your situation.

    How long is it gonna be before your fiancé and you won't be long distance anymore? Will he move to you or you to him?

    She is not your friend. She wants him so no point trying being nice with her.
    That's all I have to say about her because your fiancé is the problem. Instead of saying "I don't want to be the jealous wife" it would be better to state "I don't want to be with someone who let a friend disrespect our relationship". "I don't want to have a husband who doesn't set the proper boundaries HIMSELF." I don't want to be married with someone who has a very intimate relationship with another female (whether it's platonic or sexual)".

    There is something very wrong with the way your fiancé behaves. He wants to keep her very close to him no matter how disrespectful she is about the engagement... You have to understand that she would never dare be that disrespectful if he didn't show her that it was ok. Maybe he react the same way with her , telling her "oh , you still hate my fiancé?" and brush it off.
    To be honest, he's acting like he has 2 girlfriends: one that he will marry and the other who will be there for him while it's long distance. It's like he likes her a lot but not enough to marry her . Therefore, he acts like a romantic friend towards her(dates and all). I can't tell you if they had sex or not but if she's that entitled and possessive of him, that's fishy.

    Don't be afraid to have a very serious conversation with your fiancé about it. There is worse that being "the jealous wife"; there is " the cheating husband" .

    At this stage, their relationship is totally inappropriate. Even a normal friendship with her is impossible since he doesn't establish proper boundaries. He's acting very disrespectful towards you.

    I know it's hard but I really think that your relationship can only work if he removes her of his life AND if he start acting more respectfully towards you. Period. You can't make him do it. It has to come from him. He's not acting like a future husband but you don't have to accept it.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017

    This kind of thing takes my breath away.

    ".......him spending money on her, buying her Plan B pills after her random hookups, and taking her to nicer places than he took me."

    As DancingF says "this is not the sort of character you'd want to date, let alone marry".

    OP, you ask: What do I do?

    You step out of this strange ménage à trois with this immature man and move on to something better.

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