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Thread: Did I do the right thing?

  1. #1
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    Did I do the right thing?

    Okay, so ill give some background info before I get into my question. My ex is a year younger than me, we went to the same high school and met at the place that we both worked. I had seen her around school and always thought she was pretty but never saw us together as she was younger and I didn't really like the people that she hung out with. I'm a more straight edge and reserved guy and she is outgoing and willing to try new things. While working together, I found it super easy to talk to her which isn't really normal for me. Long story short, we clicked really well and ended up hanging out a lot. At this point in our relationship I learned more about her, She is super smart bookwise but had some dumb habits (drinking, vaping, smoking) that I didnt agree with, however I decided to set those things aside as I really liked her. Eventually I convinced her to quit all of those things, I didn't push very hard, she realized that I didn't like these things and changed for me which was very mature of her. We started dating the winter of my senior yr her junior. Things were going really well, that end of yr/ summer we hung out almost every day.( Another detail that comes into play later, before this, I was a virgin and she had one partner before. We eventually started having sex a decent amount. I think she enjoyed it a good amount more than I did, she at one point wanted it everyday sometimes multiple times a day, and got her feelings hurt when I didn't want it.) That summer we were hanging out everyday, but I felt like something was changing. I just felt like she didn't really care about me as much as I did her. It felt like she really only cared about sex sometimes and stupidly, I bottled this up without telling her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I know, dumb. So after that summer, I went off to college about 8 hrs away by car. It was really nice having her support at the beginning of the yr, however things got difficult as I got into the swing of college. I wasn't worried about hooking up with others or having my relationship hold back my social life, however it was affecting my schooling. She wanted to face time every day and would get upset when I told her I just didn't have time to. It was weird because over the summer, we would hang out, however I felt like I really cared more about her and the relationship in general, I just didn't feel the love from her that I experienced at the beginning, but once I got to college that all changed. Around September, I told her that I thought we should breakup/ take a break as I just felt like she dint care about me as much as she used to. Over a few days and a lot of crying over the phone, she convinced me that she would change, ( giving me my space to focus on work while also trying to care more about the relationship in different ways.) We gave it a month and I think I had just fallen out of love or something. This is the part where I am feeling lost. I could never really give her a reason as to why I wanted to break up. I told her that it was because I felt like she just didn't love me like she used to, which was true but it wasnt the only factor. Her extreme sex drive was also another factor as well as some factors about her family and friends that I didn't like. With her being so social and willing to try new things, I was also worried about having to deal with the relationship while she went to college where I knew she would be partying and doing other things that I wasn't really thrilled about having to have to listen to. It is now six-ish months since I broke up with her, we tried being friends after the breakup but we got into an argument and I haven't talked to her since. I think about her almost every day but I still get a sick feeling when I think of us getting back together. I don't know if its just the touch and having someone so close that I crave so much or if its actually her that I want. Was it a mistake breaking up with her, with me just being dumb overthinking the issues I had with her family and her going off to college? or did I do the right thing?

    After reading back I realized I never really gave detail about the family issue, her parents were very weird. They were super strict on dumb things like her staying out past 11 but were willing to buy/ smoke weed with her and her sister as well as letting them have the house to throw big parties. Not sure if its just a difference in the way I was raised but stuff like that just made me not like them very much, they also had some anger management issues.

    any input is welcome, just trying to find out how to get over this. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You did the right thing by breaking up. Basically you two were too different to the point of being incompatible. You value different things and your sexual drives are too different. If you were to get back together you would end up making each other miserable. You couldn't find a particular reason for the break up because there is nothing really wrong with her other than being too different from what you perceive as ideal. You should stay away from girls that you feel a need to change in order to fit your standards. Trying to change a partner to fit your standards can end up being mentally abusive for the other person and lead to toxic relationships. It is good that you two broke up. Your relationship was toxic. Now do both of you a favor and stay broken up. You would only end up hurting her further and break up again if you got back together. You need to find a girl who fits your standards and needs without having to change herself for you.

  3. #3
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    Yes, you did the right thing.

    Your relationship reached its expiration date, as high school relationships tend to do - especially when one party moves away for school. You're both still so young and have so much dating around and exploring left to do. You were moving in two different directions and this was going to end sooner or later.

    This relationship was training wheels for the more significant ones yet to come in both of your lives.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    I still get a sick feeling when I think of us getting back together.
    You did the right thing. There are some general incompatibilities there, there is still lot to learn, discover about you same with her, don't feel bad for what happened, its all growing up experiences.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You did not accept her and never did. Both of you deserve better.

  7. #6
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    I also agree that you are too different. Also, look, I think you are 100% in your right to not want to party, etc., but you also sound kinda judgemental. You judged your ex-girlfriend's family and friends, and overall you judged her too.

    You guys were only teenagers and it actually is pretty normal and common to party in later years of high school and college and so on. You don't have to do it if you personally don't want to, that is your choice. But it's not really fair to judge your ex for wanting to have fun because she's very young and it's what young people do. I'm not saying you have to do drugs and get catatonic drunk, but just drinking reasonable amounts and having fun is not a crime.

    You have a right not to like weed, smoking, vaping, but you can't really tell people what to do. If your ex wants to drink, smoke and vape, she can do that. You shouldn't be telling people to change. If you don't like them as they are you are free to leave. And you have actually done that so I think you did make the right decision. Values are important in a relationship and your and her values are pretty different.

    Also it sounds like you didn't really want to give your ex-girlfriend the benefit of the doubt. You just assumed that if she goes to college that she'll party hard and do something stupid. You can't predict the future though so you didn't exactly know if she would do that or not.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You guys are/were too young for a long lasting relationship and your value systems are very different. It boils down to not being compatible. This is how you learn how to pick a suitable partner. It didn't work, but there will be others. Don't try to be friends, that won't work either.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    What you may have experienced in the first few months was limerence. It's the heady, first flush of romance, that eventually dissipates into something steadier and more pragmatic. Flaws become more apparent and disagreements begin as you realize your differences.

    The danger is going through life depending on limerence as a guide for long term love.

    Relationships eventually do round out and there will always be good and bad, advantages and disadvantages. Your tolerance will be tested a number of times. If you're not ready to do this or to compromise, don't look for one. It takes a great deal of patience and tolerance.

    I think you're both very young and need to work on yourselves a bit more. She makes you uncomfortable and you seem to feel insecure around her. This is all very valid. Don't rush into situations where you experience a tremendous amount of time around people you just don't or can't get along with. Give it all time and little bits are good.

    Spend some time on your own and getting to know more people outside of romance and dating. I think that patience and tolerance in long term relationships can also be practiced in friendships. Long, long term friendships also have those same elements of understanding, patience and tolerance for one another. Engage with people you find interesting and can have great conversations with. It doesn't always have to be a romance type of connection.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Yes you did.

    Now she can meet someone that will accept her as she is and not judge her.

    You can also figure out what you want in and for your life so when you meet someone new you can decide if it should go any further. Being incompatible in important ways will always kill a relationship sooner or later. Different sex drives, different moral values, different social skills, different life styles and different acceptance of each other. Lesson learned...

    Also in the future when you break up with someone don't put it on them. Be kind and gentle.

    Lost

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Also in the future when you break up with someone don't put it on them. Be kind and gentle.

    Lost
    Yes, exactly. It's possible to do the right thing in the wrong way.

    When you want to end a relationship, ask yourself what it actually buys you to make that person feel lousier than they already feel by blaming.

    It's not necessary for someone to be a villain in order to get out of a relationship. Most people are not the right match for us, yet it won't help you to feel any better about yourself to make them feel worse.


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