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Thread: I'm still struggling...

  1. #1
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    I'm still struggling...

    Guys im a month out and still not doing any better.

    Finding this sub has given me some comfort but i keep regressing back to my doubt. The doubt of wondering if im the one who messed it up. And the doubt of who she was if not the gentle and devoted soul instead of the cruel being who discarded me like an object.

    And that discard still shocks me. It was completely out of the blue 1st of all, esp considering just the day before she offered to fly me out to her country, as a testiment of her love. (We were doing LDR for 2 months at that point)

    And she was a completely different person through the breakup. There was no respect. No love. No compassion. Just rolling of her eyes at my begging and laughing at my plea. This was the same woman who for weeks had been telling me she loved me and planned a future together. It was as if a switch had turned off in her and in turn i became even more indignified through the shock. Kept texting and begging while she either ignores me or tells me she will block me, and that one reason she is not doing so is because i might turn stalker (What??).

    I ask her for compassion and maybe she offers it momentarily then back to rudeness.

    Then shes on a weekend trip couple days later with a new dude. Ofcourse. Ofcourse. Even lies to guilt trip me that shes texting from the danger of the night forest when in truth she is in her room charging her phone. But the guy must not be keen on her. Shes complaining about it the next day and chats me up as tho we havent broken up. The day after shes downright pissed. With the guy, and with me for trying to somewhat flirt.

    After coming home she cries to me on the phone. Turns out the guy was rude to her. But realizing the real reason i get angry. Then she blocks me. ('FU! im gonna stay single for the rest of my life!')

    Next day i am even more angry because i see what i should have seen earlier- that she dumped me for this guy and emotionally cheated with him while stringing me along.

    I get so angry i lost it. Threatened her with a smear campaign. To ruin her name at her work. She was so scared she disabled all her social media and changed her phone. And me so ashamed from that i still wanna be forgiven at this moment. It was an empty threat designed to get you to admit to my suspicion. Im sorry.

    Now I tried to write this as objectively as possible but the bottom line is i was heartbroken and she didnt seem to care. And checklisting for cluster b disorders does explain her extreme behavior but im no psychologist. I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt. The doubt that she could be ok and it was all a forced reaction how she was to me, and that a lot of the fault is mine leading up to the discard. And these thoughts do stall the process of moving on, i know, but its a price im paying for still caring deeply about her... Because I'd rather choose love and pain, instead of just lies.

    Thank you for reading and i appreciate any input.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Leave her alone. Your threatening her is abusive.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    It is painful and confusing. give it more time.

    Don't lash out at people and say mean things, threats etc. It is seriously frightening to be on the receiving end of a psycho's rant. Accept what you did and said was in fact psycho. Take a look at your life. Why were you so out of control?

    In a truly emotional moment, people can lose it, but its wrong. completely wrong. you. yes. you are in charge of all your actions and words.

    Do not make excuses or blame her. Seek help. Whatever she did. Whatever happened. It doesn't matter anymore. Yes. You will carry the hurt. it may take a lot of time and work to get to the point it does not bother you.

    I went thru something and it took a long time to heal. I thought I was losing my mind. I could not get over someone and it was killing me. I knew I didn't want to be the person that pines over someone that doesnt give a flip about me. But I couldnt help it. I was crushed emotionally, offended and embarassed by how I was treated. How dare he... a whole range of strong and sometimes conflicting emotions.

    It took realizing (which was a process, too) that it wasn't that person. He really didnt have that power. He wasnt so great...

    It was all the times I valued other's opinions (of me) over my own. you know, all the times I just didnt think I deserved better or I just didnt think people were capable of doing better ie the fallacy that accepting less is better than nothing. It's not.

    You need to examine within. That will help you make better choices (you're never as blindsided as you think) to improve your life and to find love again.

    Hang in there. In time, you may find this situation was crucial to making you a better, happier person. you don't need her. you need you.


  4. #4
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    Thank you Lambert. Thats beautiful. :)

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  6. #5
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    A year from now, this woman will be but a memory, OP.

    You can muscle through this. But you need to regain control of your emotions; it's far more damaging to you than her, because you stay stuck in the cycle of self-loathing and longing for forgiveness while she moves on.

    The upside? It's probably better that she has blocked you from all forms of communication and changed her number. You won't be able to reach her anymore, which is the key to moving forward here. Leaving an little door open would be too tempting for you to try to contact her again, when there is just no future here.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    OP. You can be quite certain she wasn't, and isn't, "the gentle and devoted soul". Ever.

    That was a mere fašade, to reel you in. What you have experienced is the true self of this person. No respect, no love, no compassion. Precisely. And there NEVER was.

    She no doubt enjoys seeing you squirming on that fish-hook. There are people like that.

    So, you have no other option but onwards and upwards.

    And: "Don't look back, cos the view sure ain't pretty". No truer word.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She can not rescue you from yourself.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Have you met this person?

    Never threaten someone. It says more about you than it does about her.

    Begging, cajoling etc. are all forms of manipulation with intent to coerce and change an outcome or decision made by someone else. I think popular media has made it a somewhat positive and endearing trait to create drama in a soap opera or tv show but it's extremely disrespectful to the other person. Ie. if a man doesn't try to dissuade a woman, it appears he is uncaring and doesn't want to fight for the relationship. These are, in actuality, very perverse and immature tactics. People who respect themselves will feel violated and hampered, harassed. She made some comments about fearing stalking coming from you. It means she felt strongly that you weren't able to respect her choices.

    A lot of things in life will come as a shock. It is ok to cry and feel bad about it, spend days wondering what happened or how your reality has shifted. Take your time but never try to convince someone else that their decision is not a good one.

    Going forward, remove her from all your contacts and social media. It doesn't sound like you can help yourself and she has no boundaries whatsoever, running and crying to you about her new dates. The dynamic both of you have is unhealthy. Break out of it. Take a time out, a big step back and away so that you can better observe the entire relationship as a whole. Give yourself a lot of time.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Did you think if you threatened her she would love you again?

    Please consider seeking professional help. It's not a healthy thing to threaten someone, especially someone you claim to love.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    IMO, people who enter LDRs when it didn't start locally have issues that make them avoid local dating, or nobody local will regularly date them because they've seen who the person really is.

    You seem to lack self-worth. I can't imagine engaging in a discussion with a recent ex about the other person they just went on a date with, and then trying to flirt with that ex. And you should seek out anger management classes to be able to handle anger in a more reasonable way.

    For successful future dating experiences, first be alone to work on yourself--your self-esteem, spotting red flags and walking away from them when you first see them, and how to choose someone who shares your relationship goals and ethics. There are so many cons to LDRs, I don't know why people choose the most difficult form of dating when they don't have to. Try Meetup.com activities if you're having problems finding single women your age. Good luck.

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