Why doesn't he want me??

A little bit of a background. This guy that works at a store I always go to, started kinda of seeing each other. We're not together or anything but he asked if I wanted to hook up from time to time. He said I'm gorgeous and that I'm a good person.

We get to talking about random stuff one morning and he mentioned that he gave up on relationships. He said apparently he's not a catch(though I think he is). He talked about how he wants a relationship and the intimacy and companionship but that the closeness might also freak him out because he's been single most of his life and had only a couple relationships so not really experienced. He said relationships are also a lot of work.

A couple weeks goes by and I start to catch feelings. I told him so we stopped the hook up thing for a little bit. We've been back at it now for a few weeks since the feelings went away but not sure if they're starting to show up again. Ive never done a fb or fwb before so this is all new to me.

But I just wonder why that if I'm so "gorgeous" and such a good person, why wouldn't he give it a shot? I know I should ask him but if I did, the hook ups would probably stop again and I honestly don't want them to. Just need some advice, perspectives, or just some ears to vent.

Thank you :)

But I just wonder why that if I'm so "gorgeous" and such a good person, why wouldn't he give it a shot? I know I should ask him but if I did, the hook ups would probably stop again and I honestly don't want them to. Just need some advice, perspectives, or just some ears to vent.

It could be a couple things:

1) He genuinely doesn't like being in relationships. Some people don't, and prefer to be uncommitted. It could be a general preference, or something that is true for where he is now in life.

2) He thinks you're easy on the eyes and a good person, but he doesn't feel enough chemistry to date you.

This isn't going to work out well, girl. You're going to get hurt as your feelings grow and he still doesn't want to date.

Unfortunately he warned you that he doesn't want a relationship. If you are getting hurt by this, stop seeing him

But I just wonder why that if I'm so "gorgeous" and such a good person, why wouldn't he give it a shot?

It has nothing to do with you. He doesn't want a relationship.

He likes the sex and the companionship but nothing else.

You want a relationship, love and a caring partner. He wants a sex buddy and someone to talk to and hang out with when he is bored.

Do yourself a favor and cut this guy off so you can focus on meeting a guy that is emotionally available.

Also I seriously doubt your feelings went away. You probably figured if you stopped the sex part he would come around and miss you. Be honest.

It sucks when you meet someone and everything works except for that one thing (in this case a huge thing) that kills any chance of a relationship.

It would be best to stop all contact with this guy because if you don't you will never fully focus on meeting someone new and end up wasting a lot of time.

Lost

There are some red flags there. Take your time getting to know this person. If HE tells you he's not a catch, something is not right. Low self-esteem is just one sign of a host of other issues (low confidence levels in general, depression, past histories of abuse or substance abuse, taking frustrations out on others, gaslighting, unfinished business and ex-situations). Be wary please. He's entitled to his preferences but ask yourself critical questions about why someone would engage in these connections.

If your alarm bells are ringing and what's presented in front of you isn't adding up and you are experiencing a shift in expectations, slow it down and don't meet up so often. Guess what? He likely has a string of other women to call for hook ups and options. A man who blithely tells you he's only interested in hook ups is being very honest with you. That's his MO.

You may very well be an open-minded person and willing to try new things. Once you're done with it, walk away and know when enough is enough. You should be confident and happy with yourself to recognize when someone else's reality is not yours.

He just doesn't. The "why" is irrelevant. Maybe he doesn't want a relationship at all. Maybe he doesn't see you as someone he'd want a relationship with. None of it means anything is wrong with you. It's a bit egocentric to assume there needs to be some reasoned justification for someone not to be into you in that way.

Now that you know FWB isn't within your emotional threshold, I'd say it's as good a time as any to cut the cord. Learn from the experience. A lot of people aren't built for it, and that's perfectly fine.

It's not you, he doesn't want anyone. He told you that straight up to your face. When a guy tells you what you don't want to hear, believe him because he is telling you the absolute truth. He told you that he is not into relationship and not interested that way, never was, never will be.

This was basically him telling you up front that this is all he has to offer and nothing else, you can either accept it or walk away as it suits you.

Since you are catching feelings, please just stop and walk away. He is not going to give you what you need and it has nothing to do with you it's all about him. Forget any rom com myths that you can just change or tame someone into turning into a loving man and a great relationship. Real life does not work like that In real life, if you continue, you'll grow more and more attached while he'll stay exactly as he is - detached because that's who he is. Only thing that will happen is a lot of wasted time, pain and tears for you. Value yourself more than that.

Tip: guys will do and say anything to get sex. He is telling you what you like to hear "You are gorgeous!"...they are just words. He told you he has been single most of his life (for a good reason), he's lazy which means this is all about him and his needs...he doesn't care about who you are or about your feelings. He told you he doesn't want a relationship and you can't convince him other wise. Dump this guy and stop wasting your time wondering "what if".

In the future, don't let a guy's attractiveness and fun personality override what should be a dealbreaker for you. When he tells you: I'm married but we don't love each other. I'm not ready for a relationship. I need to takes things slow because I've been burned way too many times. Etc. etc.

Value what you want and stick to your own guidelines, which should never involve anyone who doesn't share your dating goals, ethics, relationship goals and boundaries.

We all make mistakes, but the important thing is to learn from them. Hold out for the treasure because you are one.

The guy does not like relationships. What an a**hole. How dare he?

Maybe he is depressed, maybe his has childhood issues, who knows...? Definitely he has low-self esteem.

He is taking advantage of you. Period!

What an awful human being!Dump this loser! In the dumpster where he belongs!

He's looking to get laid and by you giving yourself to him, he's getting what he wants, and easily too. He doesn't want a relationship, he wants FWB. Telling you that you are gorgeous makes you feel good and more likely to hop in bed with him. Don't be so easy.

He only want you for a booty call and told you that "he is not a catch." I'm sorry, but I do not see what you are not getting.

It is not you. He is not capable of more. Move on and expect more.

The guy does not like relationships. What an a**hole. How dare he?

 

Maybe he is depressed, maybe his has childhood issues, who knows...? Definitely he has low-self esteem.

 

He is taking advantage of you. Period!

 

What an awful human being!Dump this loser! In the dumpster where he belongs!

He is not taking advantage, he has been completely honest with her. She is choosing not to listen and hopes he will change.

On one hand he's being honest about not wanting a relationship, on the other hand he's using a line of glorified BS to get you between the sheets.

Either way, I'd look at it as if he doesn't want your heart, he doesn't deserve your body. Of course, that's your call.

He asked you for hookups. You told him what you think you are worth by agreeing, and agreed to the terms. Of course you are going to "catch feelings" when you are intimate with someone in some form. Its not unusual or weird. If you want a relationship, do not agree to hookups. And don't hookup with coworkers most of all. Walk away from hooking up. Chin up. And don't go down that road again. You are worth more.

But I just wonder why that if I'm so "gorgeous" and such a good person, why wouldn't he give it a shot? I know I should ask him but if I did, the hook ups would probably stop again and I honestly don't want them to. Just need some advice, perspectives, or just some ears to vent.

Thank you :)

He tells you that you are gorgeous so you keep having sex with him. Men don't choose who they marry or date long term because they are gorgeous and that's all. Gorgeous may make them cross a crowded room to try and meet someone, but it doesn't hold a conversation, or mean that anything is in common or that you have respect for who they are or vice versa. He saw a beautiful woman and took his chance to see if he could bed you. That is all. You agreed. He was UPFRONT that he just wanted a hookup. Hookup is not code for "i have a crush on you" "i love you" "i want to get to know you better (mentally)," or "i'd like to ask you out on a date"

It sounds like you just want some comfort, sex and a warm body to feel better. Perhaps a FWB situation is right for both of you at this point.

I am a single mother of 2 boys. They're both 3 and 7 and both have severe intellectual disability. I'm crying mutiple times a day, every day. There's no way I can maintain a social life or a relationship so I forgot about ever having friends or having a partner.

It sounds like you just want some comfort, sex and a warm body to feel better. Perhaps a FWB situation is right for both of you at this point.

Maybe she needs to file for more help from the child's father(s), look into programs for them, perhaps even a residential learning program part time so that she is not coming apart at the scenes vs hooking up with men

Good catch wiseman,

Could this guy be a bandaid on a bullet hole? How much support do you have in your life to help taking care of those boys and yourself?

Being a father of a disabled child myself I know full well how overwhelming day to day life can be without help. If you think there aren't men out there that will want you because you have special needs children you are wrong.

If you are totally okay with this guy just being an escape for an hour or two then by all means continue. If it works for you completely then okay but as soon as it stops working cut him loose.

Lost

Maybe its time for just a couple years to be all about your kids -- join support groups or network groups for other parents in your shoes. Build good female friendships with other moms dealing with these things. There are often assessments that can make your child eligible for certain types of additional therapy. And then when the youngest is in school or some type of therapy program, maybe then focus on finding a man. My relative didn't date until her kids graduated (it wasn't too long because she had 7th grade twins when she was divorced).

On one hand he's being honest about not wanting a relationship, on the other hand he's using a line of glorified BS to get you between the sheets.

 

Either way, I'd look at it as if he doesn't want your heart, he doesn't deserve your body. Of course, that's your call.

^ This says it all.

I've found dating so much easier once I learned to work backwards from what ~I~ want.

So if I'm relationship material, and I'm clear about that, why would I bother playing around with anyone who does not define himself as the same?

Getting involved with a FWB if you already know that you're relationship material is the perfect way to break your own heart--and harm your own self worth.

Work from what YOU want, and ditch, upfront, anybody who doesn't align with THAT.

From there it's less a matter of who you can manipulate into what you secretly want while you play in the wrong sandboxes. Instead, it's a matter of screening out wrong matches before messing with wrong matches in the first place.

Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just natural odds. So align yourself with people who ARE looking for the same things you are. Skip investing your ego in trying to convert people who've already 'splained that they have zero intention of giving you what you want.

It's not about changing people, it's about shopping in the RIGHT market.

Decide what YOU want and date properly from there. Spare yourself the heartbreak of trying to convert people from the wrong places.

Head high.