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Thread: My boyfriend wants to be a cop and it scares me

  1. #1
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    My boyfriend wants to be a cop and it scares me

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. We both love each other very much, we have talked about marriage and children and our future etc. so many times, I know he is the one for me. He is going to graduate from college soon and he has been having a really hard time trying to figure out what he wants to do after he graduates. Lately he has decided he wants to be a detective, but in order to be a detective he will have to be a cop first. We have discussed this a few times, and I have mentioned that I'm not exactly thrilled with the idea but, I love my boyfriend and I truly want him to do what is going to make him happy. When I've asked him why he wants to be a cop his one answer is always, "I want to help people." My boyfriend is one of the sweetest, more caring people in the world and I know he is looking for a career that will fulfill him and make him feel like he is helping people, which is why he has ended up deciding to be a cop.
    The problem is that I have a lot of issues with him becoming a cop. First, the job is dangerous, and considering we both want kids, it scares me to raise a family with someone I can't know for sure will come home every night. I don't want to be scared every time that someone knocks on my door that its officers coming to bring bad news. Also, with everything happening right now, I think it is even more dangerous to be a cop. I've read about the profession and I've seen stats like, police officers are more likely to be abusive, and more likely to commit suicide. I really want to talk to my boyfriend about looking into other options, especially because his main reason is wanting to help people and I think there can be a lot of other, safer, jobs that he would still enjoy doing, but I don't know how to discuss it with him. We've had a lot of serious discussions before, but I don't want to come across like what I want should influence his life, or worry him that I'd leave him if he did become a cop. My boyfriend tends to get a little defensive, and I know this is going to be a sensitive topic because he has been so stressed trying to figure his life out and he finally has decided and now I'm going to rock the boat.
    I'm looking for advice on what to say, how to talk to him, or even advice from people who's significant others are cops. I'm not sure what to do, I'm not sure if I should even say anything at all.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    It is always best to let someone follow their dream. If we don’t then resentment builds. My husband is military and I have always let him do what he wanted careerwise. On the other side of the coin you need to know if you can live with his choice.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    IMO it's not the job itself that turns them into an abusive spouse or suicidal. I believe those things are a per-existing issue/mental illness that hasn't been detected before.

    You can make a compromise. If being a police officer affects your marriage and family negatively, he needs to look for a new career. Simple as that. There is a possibility he won't get the position anyways. With this black lives matter thing going on, everyone is in a rush to revamp policing as a whole. But I agree there are other options to help people on a broader scale like a paramedic or search and rescue, the coast guard, emergency room nurse, a youth counselor. The possibilities are endless.

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    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I understand your concern, I would not want to be married to a cop either. The element of danger is too much for me. However a cop in a small town or rural area might be better, a place where there is not much crime. I live outside a town of 7000 people, nothing happens here beyond traffic tickets. Could you two move to a small town?

    What if he became a teacher? Then he'd be helping kids to learn, grow, mature, find themselves as they get older. Better hours, summers off, for me it'd be a win-win.

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Is he a risk taker ? Some people are and mundane does nothing for them.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    The problem is that I have a lot of issues with him becoming a cop. First, the job is dangerous, and considering we both want kids, it scares me to raise a family with someone I can't know for sure will come home every night.
    My father was a fire captain and was at the Pentagon and WTC. He has survived his own fire station being caught on fire while he and other firefighters were asleep. He has had been under gunpoint a few times during fire calls. My mom, sister, and I have sometimes celebrated the holidays earlier as he is putting out fires or assisting people in distress from auto accidents.

    He has shared nearly the same experiences as a police officer and works among them. If anything, he is far from abusive. He’s a hero. If he were to die on the job, I would know that he died from what he loved doing - saving lives. There’s a sense of peace in that. But I also know that he is extreme well trained and was top of his class in the academy. Sometimes, that enough is to not worry.

    Just like the military, the police and fire department are ingrained within the family lifestyle. That being said, it is not for everyone. Unfortunately the divorce rates are higher because most women/men cannot handle their spouses working in public safety jobs, not having off for every single holiday, or refusing help when going through PTSD.

    The “turning abusive” is a myth. There are bad apples anywhere you work. You might be mistaking it with PTSD. Police unions offer free counseling to help their officers undergo support.

    If he feels the call to become a member of law enforcement, he should do it. It is not up to you to decide on which career path he should take. Though it is a very challenging decision, you should respect it. It is up to you whether or not you want to be involved in that lifestyle.

    However a cop in a small town or rural area might be better, a place where there is not much crime.
    They make close to nothing. If he wants to advance and become a detective be needs to work in a larger district.

    What if he became a teacher? Then he'd be helping kids to learn, grow, mature, find themselves as they get older. Better hours, summers off
    Teaching is tough work and you will work during the weekends with grading and lesson prepping. Teachers also work after hours too just to avoid bringing work home. And about teachers having summer off, that is false. They are either preparing for the next school year, attending summer professional developments to maintain credits with the state dept of ed, OR teaching summer school/working a seasonal job for extra income because teacher salaries are crap. If anything, they get a few weeks off... not the entire summer/2.5 Months like the kids do
    Last edited by Snny; 06-18-2020 at 02:18 AM.

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    I know many cops and they are pencil pushers lol

    Stop paying so much attention to media about how dangerous their jobs are etc.
    The majority of cop work is mundane and boring.

    You should not interfere with his aspirations because of YOUR fear.

    If you can’t cope with being the spouse of a cop then let him know that and end the relationship.
    Or alternatively talk to a psych about your fear which really is irrational and see if you can adapt .

    Do you have anxiety in general about other things?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Rototrack.

    His career decision is his to make, not yours. I echo what the other posters here have said.

    It is not your place to coach or influence him.

    You remark:


    "but I don't want to come across like what I want should influence his life, or worry him that I'd leave him if he did become a cop. My boyfriend tends to get a little defensive, "

    There you have it.

    If it scares you to be married to a policeman (thousands if not millions are married to policemen/policewomen) then this may be the time to call it a day.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Try not to mother or smother him this much. He is still figuring it out about what to do after college and you are jumping way too far ahead as if you're married with kids.

  11. #10
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    I think you can express your concerns with I statements "I feel concerned about your career choice because" and it is completely up to him. If you had children or were married -but especially if you had children, if you shared a home or finances -you'd have more of a say of course. Teaching can be dangerous too depending on where. If this is his passion it's important for him to follow it.

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