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Thread: Constantly Fighting Lately

  1. #1
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    Constantly Fighting Lately

    We (35F,40M) have been together for about 2 1/2 years now and living together for over half that time. Our relationship had been mostly really great, with quarantine starting out very good for us for about the first 2 months. Just this past month I feel like we are constantly fighting. I know it is because of the many stressors affecting us,(my job uncertainty, his job pay cut, him hating his job and wanting to leave, his dog dying, my dog getting diabetes and blindness, both gained weight, my lack of motivation & purpose, etc) but I worry that it is something more, like a true incompatibility. I'll explain our current fight, which is SO stupid..

    Yesterday, I was going to take my blind dog out for a walk. He hesitated and turned back around toward the door. I am much gentler with the dog and will do things like ask him if he wants to go back inside. Yes, I realize this is silly and he can't answer me. My SO, seeing this struggle, comes out of the house and frustratedly grabs him by the leash and leads him off the stairs. Whenever SO walks him he always is tugging to the point where I feel like it's too much pressure on the dog's neck. SO claims you need to be a leader with dogs. I feel like since my dog is 12 years old, diabetic and blind he can take his damn time. I mention the sprinkler on the grass and if he needs to watch it. (I was definitely looking for a reason for him not to come along on the walk as I don't like how he holds my dog) He gets frustrated and walks away. I walk the dog. Later on, we went for a small hike nearby here in town. It was around 5pm. At the end of the hike I started to talk about dinner. We have a collection of little bits of leftovers from the past couple days that he has mentioned before. So I said, instead of cooking a new meal, maybe we could have leftovers even though there aren't enough of one meal for us to share, we'd just have our own different things. So, we get back and I have to do some things on the computer. It's around 7pm now,and we usually eat anywhere from 6:00 to 7:30. He has taken out a container of leftovers and put it on the countertop and sat down. It is my fault for not communicating that I was really hungry, but I ask him if he wants the container on the counter (it was the leftovers I had kinda wanted more), he says yes in a somewhat frustrated manner. So, I say okay that I am going to warm up something else. Fight ensues. 'Since when do we not eat together? I had this show paused for us to watch and relax'. He then tells me how "conty" I've been acting lately (he says this about 5 times) and how rude and mean I can act. And then how HE has felt attacked, although I'm the one who just got a barrage of terms thrown at me. We don't talk much for the rest of the night.

    A fight flares up again this morning, mostly because I still feel unresolved from yesterday. We talk but don't seem to get anywhere. I apologize for not communicating. Neither of us communicated what we wanted last night, actually. I mentioned how it hurt to call me y. We don't get anywhere in our conversation. Finally he says he feels like he is always trying. I'm getting the impression that he is done with me or done with the relationship so I say, fine if that is how you feel and walk away.

    It's literally so stupid, but we are fighting so much lately. We have clashed before because I am feeling depressed, uninspired, useless and hopeless with covid-19 and probably not having a job when this is through. Our house is not dirty by any means, but he has come down on me for not tidying up like he thinks I should. Or not putting out the garbage (I forget what day it is sometimes). What's hilarious is that HE has blown up at me in the past just because he was hungry (hangry), to the point where I felt like I should keep snacks in my purse like for a child.

    I know we need to just have a real conversation and I need to ask him if he really wants to be with me. Because that is how I feel. Attacked, constantly. Like he doesn't even like me. I could feel his hatred for me pouring out as he told me how conty I've been. I am so much more realxed and free spirited, I have never had any qualms with how he lives his life, but I feel like he does not agree/approve/like my personality traits. I know this post got a little off the rails, just looking to vent. Is anyone else fighting constantly through this quarantine?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Forget him for a minute.... Is this the kind of relationship that you want to be in? Is this how you want to be treated?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Name-calling is not acceptable. Has this been a regular occurrence? It's emotional and verbal abuse. Do you call him names or break down each others' characters? All these are forms and signs of psychological abuse and dysfunctional. A couple can have disagreements about topics at hand but name-calling and character-slaying are not acceptable.

    If you are prepared to stay in the relationship and are chalking this up to pandemic-induced chaos, just be wary that these patterns haven't been developing over a long period of time and are set. Both of you are doing a disservice to each other. Look at better ways of communicating without being verbally abusive.

    Don't let him walk your dog again if you feel he's being overly assertive with a disabled and elderly creature. That's not the way to treat another living being. Dogs will respond to leadership. They won't respond positively to abuse. Taking his frustration out on a dog because he lacks leadership roles in other areas of his life is not the way to handle things.

    Start laying more boundaries and creating ways to manage your individual chores and tasks in the house. You mentioned being more free-flowing and carefree. Life is rarely carefree when you have to live with someone. Let's not kid ourselves here. You both should be more respectful of each other and stop with the name-calling and demoralizing each other. That stuff has to go. End that and be more assertive about what you will and won't put up with.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Time to do relaxing fun things. He can go for a jog, you can take a bubble bath. You take a nap, he can watch his favorite show on his laptop with the earbuds in. There are plenty of ways out there to de-stress your situation. As for food, cook more healthy meals in proper portions so there are no left overs....making more than you need makes you over eat. Have premade individual meals in the freezer, so anyone can grab something and pop it into the microwave. Grow a little potted garden of fresh herbs, tomatoes etc. You can also get counseling with a therapist on line. Getting exercise...like real exercise, running, yoga, etc. Don't have weights? use a couple of large cans of food. Just need to focus on a goal, and go for it. As for the arguing, never engage, just walk away. Go for a walk to blow off steam.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    I don't think I have called him any names, but I have definitely had a more demanding tone to my voice lately since I am getting fed up. Which I guess he sees as "acting like a.." And he will probably deny actually calling me anything, since he phrases it that way instead of straight up calling me something. He claims I am not the same person he fell in love with. I don't really feel like I am acting too differently? Maybe just reacting to my situation.

    I have done things to de-stress, though sometimes depression looms and I don't always feel like it. I run somewhat regularly with a goal of 3 miles each time. We have weights here but I hate doing that type of workout at home.. ceiling too low or not enough space and I get aggravated. I recently got some succulents and herb plants.

    Since making this post, he has left the house for work and texted me about a marinade recipe I had up on the computer. I am SO confused lol ... I guess he is trying to get back to normal.

    We need to have a serious conversation about the kind of relationship we both want and if we are truly incompatible, or just dealing with a stressful situation right now. Thank you all for your advice..

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Try to pick your battles. For example completely manage your own dog without his input. Eat separately. Decide who does what in terms of paying bills, housework etc. Overall it doesn't sound 'great' it sounds verbally abusive. Are you with him because you're unemployed? Extricate yourself from this by getting outside work/money so you can plan your exit. Stop talking at him or dragging out conversations, fights. leave the room. Better yet leave the house with your dog and stay with friends or family.
    Originally Posted by quark
    I could feel his hatred for me pouring out as he told me how conty I've been.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If I've learned anything from relationships, it's that attempting to manipulate someone into saying nice and approving things to me from a place of annoyance won't work.

    So I'd settle for backing off of confrontation and reach out to negotiate instead for a reset and an attempt from both of us to just start being nice to one another from this point forward in order to change our dynamic.

    Unless and until we can get THERE, pushing for a 180 degree change is a lose/lose.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by quark
    We need to have a serious conversation about the kind of relationship we both want and if we are truly incompatible, or just dealing with a stressful situation right now. Thank you all for your advice..
    A stressful conversation upon a stressful period is like taking a match to tank of fuel. I don't know how this will help. Sometimes the best thing to do is to nothing at all and wait for the dust to settle. Minimize stressful and confrontational situations and take healthy breaks from each other. Enjoy time outside of the house and with your dog. It appears the center of all this frustration, angst and verbal abuse is centered in the everyday tasks of household living.

    I'm curious what your thoughts on this is? He appears to want to communicate with you. Is this something you're genuinely upset about or are you feeling like it's stress-induced on both sides? Are you relieved that he's making an attempt to be civil with you or are you still very resentful because of all the things he's said and his actions towards the dog and you?

    If you feel very hurt, find a good time when both of you are relaxed, mellow and peaceful. Keep in mind that talking about issues may be a good idea to you but springing it up on another person may feel like an ambush and put someone else on edge very quickly especially if it's an already stressful situation staying indoors with each other for the majority of the time.

    Be wary and careful that your words might make a difficult situation worse but don't stand for that kind of verbal abuse. Take care of your dog and yourself. Communicate better when it comes to dinner. If he's working now, routines might have to shift. Maybe a few evenings a week, both of you can prepare your own meals or once a week after work, he can come up with a meal idea for the both of you. Take turns.

    I think it's good to communicate with each other but knowing the right timing can be very hard and tricky. I feel like both of you need a whole lot more positivity in the relationship to thrive and feel good again about yourselves and about each other. You have to learn to forgive each other if you see a future with each other. Make it a point to emphasize when verbal onslaughts have no place in the relationship. If you feel a situation is escalating, stop. Calmly and firmly say that you are hearing what he's saying and you are grateful for his insight/feedback/comments but you will need to take a time out from the conversation. Don't engage in smart quips and snippy or sarcastic comments. It escalates the situation. Say you need a time out and are going to leave the room to work on something else. Both of you can come back to it at a later time. If dinner doesn't turn out the way you want it to, let it be. There's a lot of compromise when you're living with someone.

    My biggest worry is your dog and the escalation in your arguments. If you can work on minimizing those intense arguments and situations and taking better control in the care of your dog, I think this might improve without having to go into the gory details of whether or not the relationship is working. Let the relationship prove itself.

  10. #9
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    Hi @quark, how are you feeling today? I do think this quarantine period has affected lots of relationships, some for the better and some not so good. I'm sorry you're having to deal with the stress of job uncertainty and depression and I do empathize with you.
    I think you should consider online couples counseling to help you both through this period and as you said rightly, do try and find a good time to have a serious discussion without going the blame route.

    Relationships can go through difficult times, but the important questions to ask yourself is do I love this person and am I committed to working at this relationship?
    Praying the near future brings healing, strength and wholeness for your emotions and true reconciliation in your relationship. All the best.


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