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My boyfriend wants to be a cop and it scares me


rototrack

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. We both love each other very much, we have talked about marriage and children and our future etc. so many times, I know he is the one for me. He is going to graduate from college soon and he has been having a really hard time trying to figure out what he wants to do after he graduates. Lately he has decided he wants to be a detective, but in order to be a detective he will have to be a cop first. We have discussed this a few times, and I have mentioned that I'm not exactly thrilled with the idea but, I love my boyfriend and I truly want him to do what is going to make him happy. When I've asked him why he wants to be a cop his one answer is always, "I want to help people." My boyfriend is one of the sweetest, more caring people in the world and I know he is looking for a career that will fulfill him and make him feel like he is helping people, which is why he has ended up deciding to be a cop.

The problem is that I have a lot of issues with him becoming a cop. First, the job is dangerous, and considering we both want kids, it scares me to raise a family with someone I can't know for sure will come home every night. I don't want to be scared every time that someone knocks on my door that its officers coming to bring bad news. Also, with everything happening right now, I think it is even more dangerous to be a cop. I've read about the profession and I've seen stats like, police officers are more likely to be abusive, and more likely to commit suicide. I really want to talk to my boyfriend about looking into other options, especially because his main reason is wanting to help people and I think there can be a lot of other, safer, jobs that he would still enjoy doing, but I don't know how to discuss it with him. We've had a lot of serious discussions before, but I don't want to come across like what I want should influence his life, or worry him that I'd leave him if he did become a cop. My boyfriend tends to get a little defensive, and I know this is going to be a sensitive topic because he has been so stressed trying to figure his life out and he finally has decided and now I'm going to rock the boat.

I'm looking for advice on what to say, how to talk to him, or even advice from people who's significant others are cops. I'm not sure what to do, I'm not sure if I should even say anything at all.

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IMO it's not the job itself that turns them into an abusive spouse or suicidal. I believe those things are a per-existing issue/mental illness that hasn't been detected before.

 

You can make a compromise. If being a police officer affects your marriage and family negatively, he needs to look for a new career. Simple as that. There is a possibility he won't get the position anyways. With this black lives matter thing going on, everyone is in a rush to revamp policing as a whole. But I agree there are other options to help people on a broader scale like a paramedic or search and rescue, the coast guard, emergency room nurse, a youth counselor. The possibilities are endless.

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I understand your concern, I would not want to be married to a cop either. The element of danger is too much for me. However a cop in a small town or rural area might be better, a place where there is not much crime. I live outside a town of 7000 people, nothing happens here beyond traffic tickets. Could you two move to a small town?

 

What if he became a teacher? Then he'd be helping kids to learn, grow, mature, find themselves as they get older. Better hours, summers off, for me it'd be a win-win.

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The problem is that I have a lot of issues with him becoming a cop. First, the job is dangerous, and considering we both want kids, it scares me to raise a family with someone I can't know for sure will come home every night.

My father was a fire captain and was at the Pentagon and WTC. He has survived his own fire station being caught on fire while he and other firefighters were asleep. He has had been under gunpoint a few times during fire calls. My mom, sister, and I have sometimes celebrated the holidays earlier as he is putting out fires or assisting people in distress from auto accidents.

 

He has shared nearly the same experiences as a police officer and works among them. If anything, he is far from abusive. He’s a hero. If he were to die on the job, I would know that he died from what he loved doing - saving lives. There’s a sense of peace in that. But I also know that he is extreme well trained and was top of his class in the academy. Sometimes, that enough is to not worry.

 

Just like the military, the police and fire department are ingrained within the family lifestyle. That being said, it is not for everyone. Unfortunately the divorce rates are higher because most women/men cannot handle their spouses working in public safety jobs, not having off for every single holiday, or refusing help when going through PTSD.

 

The “turning abusive” is a myth. There are bad apples anywhere you work. You might be mistaking it with PTSD. Police unions offer free counseling to help their officers undergo support.

 

If he feels the call to become a member of law enforcement, he should do it. It is not up to you to decide on which career path he should take. Though it is a very challenging decision, you should respect it. It is up to you whether or not you want to be involved in that lifestyle.

 

However a cop in a small town or rural area might be better, a place where there is not much crime.

They make close to nothing. If he wants to advance and become a detective be needs to work in a larger district.

 

What if he became a teacher? Then he'd be helping kids to learn, grow, mature, find themselves as they get older. Better hours, summers off

Teaching is tough work and you will work during the weekends with grading and lesson prepping. Teachers also work after hours too just to avoid bringing work home. And about teachers having summer off, that is false. They are either preparing for the next school year, attending summer professional developments to maintain credits with the state dept of ed, OR teaching summer school/working a seasonal job for extra income because teacher salaries are crap. If anything, they get a few weeks off... not the entire summer/2.5 Months like the kids do

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I know many cops and they are pencil pushers lol

 

Stop paying so much attention to media about how dangerous their jobs are etc.

The majority of cop work is mundane and boring.

 

You should not interfere with his aspirations because of YOUR fear.

 

If you can’t cope with being the spouse of a cop then let him know that and end the relationship.

Or alternatively talk to a psych about your fear which really is irrational and see if you can adapt .

 

Do you have anxiety in general about other things?

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Rototrack.

 

His career decision is his to make, not yours. I echo what the other posters here have said.

 

It is not your place to coach or influence him.

 

You remark:

 

 

"but I don't want to come across like what I want should influence his life, or worry him that I'd leave him if he did become a cop. My boyfriend tends to get a little defensive, "

 

There you have it.

 

If it scares you to be married to a policeman (thousands if not millions are married to policemen/policewomen) then this may be the time to call it a day.

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I think you can express your concerns with I statements "I feel concerned about your career choice because" and it is completely up to him. If you had children or were married -but especially if you had children, if you shared a home or finances -you'd have more of a say of course. Teaching can be dangerous too depending on where. If this is his passion it's important for him to follow it.

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Actually being a sworn officer is not that dangerous compared to a lot of other occupations. Check the statistics.

 

In 2015 over 700 road construction workers were killed on the job, 68 of those in California. In fact most officers die on the job from traffic accidents then any other cause.

 

Is it the safest job? Certainly not but it is far from the most dangerous.

 

If he is wanting to be a police officer for all the right reasons then why not support him. It can be a very rewarding career with great benefits for your future family. If he continues his schooling he could rise through the ranks and make serious money and retire at 50.

 

Educate yourself with facts before you worry to much.

 

Lost

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Actually being a sworn officer is not that dangerous compared to a lot of other occupations. Check the statistics.

 

In 2015 over 700 road construction workers were killed on the job, 68 of those in California. In fact most officers die on the job from traffic accidents then any other cause.

 

Is it the safest job? Certainly not but it is far from the most dangerous.

 

If he is wanting to be a police officer for all the right reasons then why not support him. It can be a very rewarding career with great benefits for your future family. If he continues his schooling he could rise through the ranks and make serious money and retire at 50.

 

Educate yourself with facts before you worry to much.

 

Lost

Yup. I think it's more dangerous being a pizza delivery guy than it is an LEO. Not to dismiss how difficult the job definitely is doubling as both an enforcer and essentially an untrained social worker. Simply that extrapolating localized tallies into a national context is largely the reason we've got police treating every shift like a COIN op, which sucks for pretty much everyone, them obviously included.

 

So as far as staying up worried, that much would be on you. As far as abusive households go, no, it's not really a myth. Multiple studies show domestic abuse is anywhere between 24% and 40% more prevalent in police households. A good chunk of that has to do with PTSD, but PTSD often manifests itself in destructive and, yes, sometimes abusive ways. It's not a knock on police just for being born destined to beat their spouses. As a former troop, I know full well that veteran households experience much more abuse on average. I don't take offense to it. If anything, it keeps me motivated to make sure I keep myself in check and healthy, and I'd like to think to the point I'm a safer bet than a non-veteran spouse would be. So more than it being a chance you end up in an abusive marriage, I'd say it's how much faith you have in him taking care of himself with the resources provided. Basically, if he's got a track record of not looking after his mental health, then that's when it'd be a concern of mine.

 

All that said, getting accepted into a police academy is very difficult. The pool of qualified applicants often exponentially exceeds the number of openings. I don't know your boyfriend's credentials, but if he's not a military veteran, and preferably one with a degree in criminology or some other behavioral science, his resume will likely be at the bottom of the pile. Who knows with the climate now how competitive it will be, so I definitely won't say "never." But I can say if you can bring yourself to be open about it, it very well may turn out he'd end up having to choose another path anyhow.

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Encourage him to volunteer a local police station or with a local community watch, mingle around other administrative staff and officers and get to know them. He can ask them and inquire about what it's like working in enforcement.

 

He has to discover this on his own. Give yourselves time to grow also and be more established in your careers. His explorations will also give you time to explore your own career and start developing an idea of the kind of person you want to grow into.

 

In the meantime, when you come together and have your couple's time, reinforce positive affirmations and encourage each other to excel and accomplish your goals. Have a time out from the career talks and enjoy your romance. Having work creep into a relationship is a slow way to kill the relationship or overwhelm it.

 

Have confidence in each other. That starts with yourself though. Work on your own confidence and enjoy what you're doing with your career and your future. What he does is not dependent on what you choose for yourself or vice versa. Grow.

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Focus on your own degree and your own professional aspirations. He's just thinking aloud and already you are in panic mode with abuse! suicide!, etc etc.

 

"Talking about" is not marriage, it is not engagement, it is not living together, it is not having kids.

 

You are way too controlling and want YOUR vision of your barbie doll house that he Must fit into. He is not your Ken doll to mold and shape into what you need to feel less anxious. Stop nagging him.

have talked about marriage and children and our future etc.

 

he has been having a really hard time trying to figure out what he wants to do after he graduates.

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Indeed OP.

 

There is a "walking on eggshells" feeling about all this too. Not just as you said earlier "my boyfriend tends to get a little defensive".

 

But on another occasion:

 

"I don't want to accidentally upset him by trying to make things better." and

 

"I don't want him to take it the wrong way".

 

In any case you remarked in your OP that he has finally decided on this career path. So, nothing more to be said, is there. What do you intend to do?

 

Maybe it is time to stand back from the relationship so that you can see more clearly.

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Cheer him on. I know lots of cops that have families -- from cops in sleepy little towns that only have to deal with stolen garden gnomes and there are cops that protect the innocent daily - they have kids and wives.

 

If that is his dream - then don't squealch it. either be supportive or leave.

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Moving to a small town would be hard, my current job relies on my living near a bigger town or city, and our family lives in a decent sized town and we both agree we'd want to live near our family. Also, as for a teacher, I think that he would be a great teacher, but his mom is a teacher and she's preached to him so many times not to be one that I don't think I could even attempt to convince him.

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It depends on what demographic group he plans on helping. I agree being a teacher is not easy. I own my own daycare and my sister-in-law is a grade two teacher. It is rewarding but damned hard work .

 

If he’s not looking on helping kids that’s not gonna be of any use to him.

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Once again, OP, it is not up to you to convince him to be anything. If he wishes to become a policeman then so be it.

Whether his mother dissuaded from entertaining the idea of being a teacher or not is completely beside the point. In passing I don't think any poster advised here that you move to a small town.

Policemen work in many capacities, in huge cities, in towns, in rural areas, depending on where they are stationed.

 

Bottom line is: what do you wish to do.

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Always listen and heed your own common sense.

 

You are correct. Being a cop is a dangerous occupation for obvious reasons and due to their stressful job of dealing with all sorts of disadvantaged people in society, unfortunately, they also have a high divorce rate. No surprise there. :upset:

 

If your boyfriend is determined to become a cop and turns a deaf ear to your suggestions about a safer occupation, you're hosed. You can envision your future with him or end up as a young widow with kids and his fancy funeral.

 

His occupation choice could either be a deal breaker for you or not. You'll have to ultimately decide whether you're willing to risk being married to him. Being his girlfriend is easier than being a wife and mother. You'll have more freedom of choice in a man if you're only his girlfriend.

 

Think long and hard regarding your life with him. Ask yourself whether or not you're willing to live a risky life with him. The choice is yours. Those are some hard questions and you will have to make your own decisions on this one.

 

I'm very risk adverse.

 

Then again, my hairstylist's husband is a cop. Through connections, he was able to transfer from being a beat cop to a safer position at his police department. He became an aftermath car accident 'on the scene' cop which is much safer than he previous beat cop position. He no longer pulls motorists over for speeding tickets, citations, doesn't deal with domestic violence cases, etc. He appears at the scene of a car accident's aftermath and gets to go home to his wife and children much to his wife's tremendous relief. He attained this plum, very coveted position because the outgoing car accident cop retired. It was a 'water cooler' or word-of-mouth snatched up job. He's very lucky.

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