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Thread: Partner does not a child

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You've both only met last fall? Do you think marriage is rushing it a little? Why marry so quickly? Have you both picked a date? You have questions and issues about having a child and you also seem unclear about his depression or any lasting effects or ongoing depressed states between the both of you. You both haven't been with each other for a year.

    It takes years to uncover what a person truly is like or what they really are. I'm just trying to understand why you're willing to marry this person when there are so many questions and it appears you're in a state of unrest and discontent and uncertainty.

    Is it not more attractive of an idea to date each other for another two or three years or longer and work on yourselves independently without jumping into marriage? Is the living situation an issue or you both want to move in with each other or are you already living together?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Princess, the title of your thread "Partner does not want a child".
    And you have added: "He does not want kids".

    What else is there to say?

    Besides there is this.

    "He has OCD (where he cleans, keeps every penny in a bag to not contaminate etc). He also cannot tolerate mobile phones, internet, or anything that has blue light. Even 5 minutes would give him a migraine he would say. He one went into a fetus position. And other got really pissed off and treated me badly and angry when I had turn the internet wifi on in my own flat. He thought that I had done this on purpose. That scared me and made me really uncomfortable."


    So, I can only add to the advice from other posters and advise that you think this situation through very thoroughly.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    A child is a living, breathing, thinking and feeling human. They are not something you "get" like a car or a new handbag, just because other people have them or on a whim.

    If you are slapping him in the face and he is yelling at you, please do not bring a child into this mess until you two have intensive therapy AND you both agree to have a child.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    When it comes to bringing children into the world, there is no compromise. Obviously, both spouses (or partners) need to emphatically agree.

    He's 60 and old enough to be a grandfather not to mention he's burned out and wants to enjoy life with more freedom. At age 60, why would he want to be tied down with diapers, a screaming baby and sleepless nights? Been there, done that and not again. Most people don't have the same energy and patience to raise a child at age 60 and with all due respect, starting motherhood right now for you will be incredibly exhausting. There is higher chance of Downs Syndrome as an older mother.

    Both of you are not mentally unstable and ill equipped for parenthood.

    During pre-COVID-19, I once suggested to my friend and her husband to babysit a baby for a week 24 / 7 for free while the baby's parents were on vacation. Upon the parents' arrival, they promptly deposited the baby in their arms and fled! I also suggested the same scenario for a friend and her husband to babysit 2 children for a week for free and the same repeated scenario occurred. Both sets of spouses decided against having children following those harrowing experiences! You ought to try it.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    If you donít feel you can handle the emotional consequences of having a child on your own please donít consider having one. Children are a lifetime commitment whether you have a partner or not. They are a lifetime commitment till you die. Being a parent never ends not even when they leave home.

    If you are having therapy for huge emotional upheaval and depression please reconsider. Children need happy healthy parents both of which who want them.
    Excellent advice

  7. #16
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Princess70
    He is 60 and I am 40 years old.

    I am not the youngest to start a child and I am not really ready right now in the moment,

    He does not want kids.

    I worry that if I go ahead to have one through donor etc I am not sure if it will be healthy or would have the energy for one.

    have been in therapy since. I have been suffering from a depression and in therapy right now since.
    When you add all the above up, all I see is a recipe for disaster. A child deserves to be WANTED by BOTH parents, brought up in a happy, healthy environment. None of the above points to any of that right now (imo).

    If you already have doubts about not having enough energy for a child, then please, please, for the sake of the child, do NOT have one because trust me, children are exhausting at the best of times and it lasts for years and years. When you're tired, stressed out and exhausted you can't just go to bed, or rest on the couch etc. You're in this for the long run and believe me, it is a long, long time before they are able to take care of themselves.

    In summary, I think it's a bad idea.

  8. #17
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    I'm sorry, you really missed the ride. Sorry to to tell ya. You would be doing a child no favors by marrying someone on the quick who doesn't want a child, then somehow getting pregnant "by mistake" then have a resentful grandpa-aged dad who will be past 80 yeas old by the time the kid got out of high school. Oh, and retired dad? How's he paying for the stuff a kid needs on a fixed income?

    Whatever issues you have had prior to now that has prevented you from having a child are still present. You cannot put it all on your love interest.

    Some decisions made in the past make it too late to revisit late. It would be incredibly selfish to pursue this. A child is not a doll to satisfy some urge you have regardless of how it would be for the child.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You struggle with life as it is, what makes you think you will be able to be there 24/7 supporting/feeding/clothing/teaching/bathing/entertaining/educating a kid? Raising a child is no picnic, it's costly, you have very little life because the kid becomes your #1 priority. Sorry but you are being unrealistic and not thinking this through. I can see why your fiance is against it. Who wants to be changing dirty diapers at 60? or listening to a kid cry in the middle of the night. It's going to take away everything from your relationship with him.

  10. #19
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    When he says that he doesn't want a child, you better believe him. Apparently, he is adamant that he wants no children. Accept that and don' t try to convince him otherwise. As I see it, you have two choices:

    1. either you stay with him with the clear understanding that there will be no children, or
    2. leave him and either go through IVF (if you can afford it) or consider adoption, if you truly want a child. There are plenty of single moms.

  11. #20
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    Honestly, you CAN have a child.

    1) Through traditional adoption.
    2) Through IVF possibly
    3) possibly using and egg donor
    4) adopting embryos.

    You do not have to be a single mom. There are men out there who do not have children age 35-50 who you could date.

    But why marry a 60 year old man? What is appealing about that?

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