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Thread: What do I do about my fiancee's female bff

  1. #61
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    You received very good point of views regarding the long distance aspect of your relationship...

    Considering the lenght of time you spend with him in a year, Which is not much, I would be enclined to think that you're the part time gf with whom he gets to spend great vacations with and she is the partner he gets to live real life moments with: the everyday stuff. And again, I would say there is a very High possibility that she is also his lover. That would explain her jealousy and his nonchalant attitude regarding living with you. He seems to be in no hurry to move in your town. You too, for the reason you explained.

    You won't know how many time they see each other. He will be good at hiding it. The thing is, she was so important for him that he disrespected you over it. She is not forcing her self in his life. He wants her there. In his mind, Why would he let go of something so fulfilling ? So he can be alone for 4 months at times waiting To see you? That's what a great bf would do but a great bf would have never put to through those heartaches.

    I would even think that she might be the reason the LDR world so well between you guys. As long as it last, he gets to keep the both of you. He doesn't make sacrifices to move to your town. You will be the one To uproot your life to be with him...

    At this point, if you really want to stay with this guy, then make it a real relationship (living in the same town) and get to know the real him. Only then you will know if he's the right Guy for you.

  2. #62
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    I have no comment on the LDR aspect.

    I will say I think you broke through a barrier (self built) when you finally laid all your cards on the table and told him exactly how you felt with no sugar on top. Do you feel better about getting it all out there? I bet you do.

    Men are terrible at understanding how women feel and react to different situations. Please keep that in mind for the rest of your life.

    As you move forward (assuming he abides by his promises) there is a certain leap of faith needed when you are entering into a serious relationship which is compounded by the distance and the fact that you are giving up everything to move to him. That is a lot of pressure on him and a lot of faith from you. I hope he recognizes that.

    I know it was not easy having that talk with him but it was the only thing you could do if this relationship had any chance at all.

    Good on you for taking the chance and putting your feelings out there.


  3. #63
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Is there a ring and a wedding date? Usually engagement is the time people put their lives together as a couple. In this scenario, you are still arguing with him about his plan b gf. And have no real plans to even live in the same town, no less the same home. It's all talk.
    Originally Posted by cbuggs18
    On his visit, he proposed and I accepted. Fast forward a year. We are still engaged, and planning our future.

  4. #64
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Can I ask how old you guys are?

    Relationships are always a risk, and we all hedge against and mitigate the risks in different ways. That said, I can't help but worry that your risk management steps, in this, has created a pretty risky proposition.

    This is just me, but I think it's very hard to test compatibility outside reality, which is to say that spending a week, or two, out there with him is still living in something of a bubble. When it's great—well, great. When it's less than great—well, not the best, but you've got a job and home and family elsewhere, which takes the edge off and makes handling those moments potentially different than how you'd handle them if they were transpiring in your actual life.

    Remove him from the equation for a moment, and can you see yourself thriving wherever he lives? Can you imagine a rich, exciting life? Again, just me, but that's kind of how I'd be hedging against the risk, or at least trying to assess things right now, especially when you're gauging a pretty gigantic commitment on very little information and shared experience.
    This is a good question. If you can answer this or you have some connection to the area or town where he lives in, your own personal or professional connections, to the town that you've forged on your own or can picture yourself doing so, I think it could be a game-changer.

    It may also be less of a shock if things start to go south and you may be more prepared to be self-sufficient and still thrive despite the end of the relationship.

    Whatever happens in your personal life your financial and professional security shouldn't be compromised. There are always setbacks in life, sometimes things slow us down a little, but it shouldn't ever completely sideswipe and derail you.

    I like the approach of shifting the focus on the man and looking a little more at the town or the area where he says you'll both be building a house together.

    Off the cuff, are there opportunities you'd like to explore there?

    No marriage ever starts out with plan Bs and exit plans (unless it's something else altogether but let's not get into that) but I do think it's a good idea to look at how easy it would be for you to stand on your own two feet again without completely hurting you, putting you into large debt or feeling like you are isolated, alone and without any ability to create a better life.

    Despair and hopelessness in a locked or helpless situation erodes a person's mental health. Don't ever put yourself in that position, if you can help it, or have tools and the ability to leave if you have to leave.

    Start thinking about the area and moving there as an individual first, I think. Why not move there, establish yourself for one or two years, and your own networks, make friends and live on your own? If you find you enjoy the town and are getting on on your own, then marry a few years later if you feel you both are established enough also with your work.


  6. #65
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    excellent points about YOU and benefits to you being important aspects of any move or change.

    I once moved (neighborhoods not even towns) closer to a guy I was dating. Long story short, everyone wanted to make it about the bf. But when I explained it to my dad, he said, wow. Sounds this is a better all the way around for you.

    I lived on my own from the bf. Its been years since we broke up. He eventually moved to another part of town. But I still live here. I like it! and it truly was a good move for ME.

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