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Thread: What do I do about my fiancee's female bff

  1. #21
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    I'm fully aware that this post is about her. My question is, since you are currently on an LDR, where will you both live when married? Will he move to where you are or will you move to where he is?

    There's evident conflict with the following players: her, him and you. How is he resolving / managing this situation? The way he deals with / approaches this is very telling of what his conflict resolution style is. That's how he tackles difficult situations. That's who he is as a man.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You need to question whom YOU are engaged to, whom YOU plan to spend the rest of your life with and question your fiance's lack of integrity. You have no control about what other people do or what this friend is doing. That's all on them. What you need to examine and reevaluate is your fiance's timid nature and lack of honorable character.

    This friend will do as she pleases. Your fiance is the one who has to be gentle, tough yet firm with diplomatically severing contact with her. He should send her a text which says: "Thank you for your past friendship. However, it is time to go our separate ways. Please do not contact me anymore." No need for lengthy, drawn out explanations. He should be brief and to the point. If she is relentless, then he should block and delete her permanently.

    Two's company, three's a crowd.

    Also, you do the same with letting this friend know that while you're thanking her for her past friendship, it's time to go your separate ways. There is a way to be respectful yet direct with a person or people in general.

    This friend is overbearing, weird, crosses lines, doesn't have boundary control and very disrespectful regarding your relationship with your fiance. She is very intrusive and a great imposition.

    If your fiance remains indifferent and apathetic concerning this friend, don't marry your fiance because this problem will not go away later.

    Both of you need to get rid of her. This picture is getting too crowded.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Like that old saying, cats only come around if they're being fed.

    Your fiance is "feeding" her something.
    ^Yup this. Also, the guy who is happy to open his wallet and buy Plan B for a woman is the guy who doesn't want to be called Daddy. Plan B is much cheaper than child support.

    Open your eyes OP. Those aren't random hookups and he isn't just such a great pal paying for her Plan B pills out of the goodness of his heart.

    Don't project your morals and values to someone who is openly showing to you that he doesn't share them. Do not be so blind.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    The danger with playing this kind of a game is that he'll go along with what she wants, marry her, then once she is stuck with him, he'l bring either this chic or another around and just carry on being himself. Problem is that now OP won't be able to dump him so easily. This approach won't fix his character and who he is.
    I only advise this because she insists on marrying him. IMO if she wants to take that chance, this is her option.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Interesting that the OP has not responded...

    If you are are in fact reading the replies you have received from some very experienced people I would hope you would engage in the conversation because the path you are on is full of frustration and heartache.

    Lost

  7. #26
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Interesting that the OP has not responded...

    If you are are in fact reading the replies you have received from some very experienced people I would hope you would engage in the conversation because the path you are on is full of frustration and heartache.

    Lost
    She has not been back since she posted the OP. No responses have been read.

    I hope she at least comes back to read since everyone has put in so much effort in responding.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Sometimes people take time. It was just yesterday. She may be thinking on her own or occupied with work or other things. I'm sure she'll be back in a few days to read or respond. If she doesn't respond, that's her choice too. Maybe it is too painful right now.

  9. #28
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    Okay, i was married to one on of these men.

    If she confessed to him and he said "i love you only as a friend. I can see that you want more, and since i do not, i think its cruel to be friends with you, so i think we should go our separate ways" that's one thing, but he didn't. so therefore, he is not a decent man. He is getting his ego stroked. She DOES want him and he is doing nothing to dissuade her. Did you actually move near eachother or are you long distance dating? If you do not live in the same town by now, I would break the engagement right now. You have no idea about what other murky boundaries he has -- he could be bailing out his male friends, paying his mom's or his brother's bills, etc, and all stuff you don't know about.

    Do not marry him. You don't know what kind of misery that will come up because even if THIS BFF gives up, another will surface.

    BTW, i am tired of people saying rude people are "gaslighting" the other party. If someone says "i don't feel comfortable about this" and the other person says "i am comfortable with this and here is why.." it means that the person is rude or has shifty values. I really doubt he is cheating physically. I think he has NO ÇLUE what emotional cheating is and many people don't. I was gaslighted -- paintings would disappear off the walls of my house while i was out and end up at my in-laws and everyone else would say "what? we have always had that painting" or "what? you gave it to me. You said you were sick of it when we were over for Christmas" . And everyone corroborated the story. I thought i was losing my every loving mind

  10. #29

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    Hi everyone!

    I want to thank you all so much for your responses. I'm not sure why it wasn't showing that I looked at the responses, but I did. I read through everyone's responses, and considered everyone's advice.

    To clarify some things:
    1) We are in no rush to get married. The LDR has definitely made a few situations more complicated than traditional relationships. We have our own lives in our cities, with our own careers and families which makes it very difficult for one of us to uproot everything and begin our life together anytime soon. I'm locked into a contract with my job, and recently purchased a house. I was born and raised in this city, my entire family is here. I'm terrified of change, but I'm willing to move there with him if we figure a few things out first, especially this issue with his "friend".
    2) The letter was written when they first met in high school. He told her that he didnt feel the same way and kept his space. Two years later, she reached out to him when they both were going through horrible things in their lives. She had a boyfriend at the time, and expressed that she no longer had feelings. They continued checking in, and that's what allowed their friendship to grow.

    After reading all of your incredible responses, I reached out to my fianceé last night to talk. We had a long conversation, over eight exhausting, emotional hours. I was very blunt with my feelings towards his friend. I understand that they've been there for each other during a horrible points of their lives when I was unable to be there, so asking him to cut her out completely is something that he will have to decide. His decisions and actions are going to determine our future.

    I let him know how disrespectful it is for to know my feelings about her, yet continue to joke about me hating her and making excuses for her. I drew out the lines that I am comfortable with. I let him know that both of them have been disrespectful to our relationship- her by crossing lines and him for allowing it/ making excuses. I let him know that I will not tolerate it anymore, and that if it continues he WILL lose me.

    He apologized profusely, and said he really didnt realize that I felt disrespected. I know how that sounds, I didnt buy it either! As far as some of his past inapproproate actions- buying emergency contraception, telling her about the proposal first, going to fancy dinners- he explained that he has no romantic feelings for her. He sees her as the sibling that he never had. I let him know that they are two grown ass adults, if she can't afford a baby or the contraception, she needs to change her life style or learn how to manage her own money. He isn't close with his parents, so now I can see why he chose to tell her about the proposal. The dinners will always be an issue for me, and how much time they spend together. I let him know that it needs to change.

    I feel like there was a lot of miscommunications in the past with my feelings. I was sugar coating things. Now that I have put everything out there, he seems to understand. He assured me that he will keep her at a distance, and will enforce my boundaries. If she won't listen, he said he will cut her out of his life.

    I'm not 100% over this, but I feel like this has now been well communicated with my partner. I sincerely hope that we will have no further issues with this friend. However, if things do not change, and I still feel disrespected by him I am definitely prepared to walk away from him and this dysfunctional dynamic they have, no matter how difficult it may be. I deserve respect.

    Thank you all again so much!

    Cbuggs

  11. #30
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    You did GREAT! Stick to your boundaries!

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