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Thread: What do I do about my fiancee's female bff

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. It's time to reevaluate your relationship. It seems more like they are dating.
    Originally Posted by cbuggs18
    they were doing date like activities- going to movies, going out for drinks, etc.
    He confessed that at one point, she had written him a love letter
    him spending money on her, buying her Plan B pills after her random hookups, and taking her to nicer places than he took me.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    People like this generally need to burn a few bridges before they finally take action on what's making them the common denominator. Unfortunately, you're gonna have to be one of those bridges.
    Agree with everything everyone is expressing, particularly this.

    I certainly understand how hard it would be to end things, so, sure, you can try talking about it with more directness than in the past, seeing if this is something you can "work through." But before that? I'd also ask yourself, in the calm of your mind, if that even seems worthwhile, the sort of "serious talk" you want to have to "grow stronger," rather than one that just grows you into a strange shape. If he straight-up cut this woman out of his life, would that genuinely soothe you and lead you to believe in his character? Or would you wish he was someone who didn't need this level of training and be worried about what the future held?

    It's kind of the difference between asking a young dude who has lived alone to put the toilet seat down after he uses the bathroom, so you can live together in harmony, and having to explain to a young dude who pees in the kitchen sink how that makes you feel in hopes that he learns to use a toilet. The former isn't super fun, but young dudes are young dudes. The latter? It's just a hard thing to even confront in another adult and come away feeling like an adult yourself.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Here's what you can do.....tell him she goes or the wedding is off and you go. See where that takes you. If he digs in and says no, then you know this guy is not worth marrying.

  4. #14
    Bronze Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    Whatever you do, don't marry him unless the situation is resolved and by resolved I mean she's out of his life for good. He should have already cut her out of his life, the moment she started disrespecting you and your relationship.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Like that old saying, cats only come around if they're being fed.

    Your fiance is "feeding" her something.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Here's what you can do.....tell him she goes or the wedding is off and you go. See where that takes you. If he digs in and says no, then you know this guy is not worth marrying.
    The danger with playing this kind of a game is that he'll go along with what she wants, marry her, then once she is stuck with him, he'l bring either this chic or another around and just carry on being himself. Problem is that now OP won't be able to dump him so easily. This approach won't fix his character and who he is.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by cbuggs18
    I tried to be supportive of their friendship, but brought up concerns with him spending money on her, buying her Plan B pills after her random hookups, and taking her to nicer places than he took me.
    What in the fresh heck? What on earth was his excuse for this?

    This woman is a pain the neck, no doubt. But I'm sorry OP, but the bigger problem here is your fiance. He is not setting appropriate boundaries with her, and not doing anywhere near enough to protect the integrity of your relationship. You need to be very concerned about where his priorities are and how poorly he has handled this entire situation.

    Screw being worried about being the "jealous wife." This is not a jealousy issue. It's a crappy-boyfriend/fiance issue. I think there is some sort of romantic history between them and there are things he's not telling you. Even if there isn't? He's showing very clearly that he does not take your concerns seriously and he wants her in his life. Consider what that says about his ability to be a good life partner for you.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    "Friends" don't date or buy emergency contraception for their "friends". You need to end things.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    The danger with playing this kind of a game is that he'll go along with what she wants, marry her, then once she is stuck with him, he'l bring either this chic or another around and just carry on being himself. Problem is that now OP won't be able to dump him so easily. This approach won't fix his character and who he is.
    Exactly.

    I could go into my backyard and start digging for oil if I wanted to. Maybe after a couple slipped discs and a heat stroke, I'll get rich off the 0.001% chance. Not all good effort is created equal. Point being there really are situations in life, including relationships, where point-blank it really is just a better idea not to engage at all or, worst case, simply cut your losses. What could she possibly say where dude stops drooling on himself and is like, "OH MAN I never thought of it that way?" The guy doesn't even have the bad excuse of being oblivious. He actively jokes about it, asking if OP still hates his "friend." Best case scenario, she gets a "yes, ma'am" from him. OP's got zero reason to know or even trust he keeps true to his word. At some point one of them has to uproot themselves, and $10,000 says it'd be her. That's a pretty big gamble simply for having a seemingly constructive conversation despite the loudest of behavioral indicators betraying it.

    While it's obviously easier said than done, you've been given the extraordinary benefit of this dynamic having been blatantly thrown in your face rather than hidden. You've been provided the additional benefit of him very directly considering your feelings irrelevant. This is who he is, and this is what it will be.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by cbuggs18
    When I confront him, he jokes about it, asking if I still hate her, and making excuses for her behavior. I'm not comfortable with their friendship anymore

    This is the MOST important part of your post. You already know this isn't a jealousy issue, because you already know she isn't a friend. IMVHO, She's his girlfriend. At LEAST emotionally. And he's already gaslighting you about it.
    He clearly doesn't care what you think or how you feel as he has no intention of ending this relationship. And it is. Your fiance loves this woman, no matter what he says in his unconvincing lies to you- Why do I think that?

    WHY ON EARTH was SHE the FIRST person he told about your engagement? If he really knew she was in love with him and he didn't want anything to with that- WHY would he tell her first? But the fact that he told her FIRST speaks volumes. Most people would call their parents, or their best friend, or some relatives- NOT the friend who they know is in love with them. At best, he loves her so much that he knew it would hurt her deeply and wanted to tell her. At worst, he wanted to make her jealous. But BOTH of these suggests at least some romantic love or desire on his part.

    Sorry, but I don't see this changing. He's getting something out of this other relationship or he would stop it. This isn't about her, it's about HIM. And really, who knows what he's said to her? I doubt she'd stick around in this capacity if he hasn't given her some hope (at LEAST flirting, being suggestive- minimum).

    I would really think twice about marrying this man. Either he's just not being honest with you or he's in severe denial about his own feelings for this "friend".

    I've had guys confess feelings for me when I've been married and it's only gone one of two ways

    1. The friendship is over and we never speak again because I make it abundantly clear that I'm in love with my husband and nothing will EVER happen.
    2. OR if they can handle being just friends- It is 100% made clear that we are just friends and that nothing romantic will ever happen. If they can handle that- then we have limited contact and strict boundaries, I'm never alone with that person, and my spouse is fully aware of any interaction between us, and nothing is ever ok that makes me OR my spouse uncomfortable- and if they can't handle that- Refer to rule 1.

    I mean, that's it. If there's a reason that someone in a committed relationship will not do those things, there's only a couple reasons.
    1. They are in a mutually agreed upon open relationship
    2. They actually have feelings/attraction for the other person and don't want it to end or to shut the door on the possibility

    Take this specific girl completely out of the picture for a moment. Picture marrying this man and imagine you hit a rough patch in your marriage 15, 20 years down the line. (As happens for most of us at some time or other)
    He starts talking to some beautiful new coworker and consistently sees her and you know that she has said she has feelings for him. He continues to see her and talk to her frequently despite being married to you and despite that you've made objections and then he tells you
    "She is just a friend"

    DO YOU BELIEVE HIM? IMVHO, your answer to this should tell you everything you need to know about your future with this man.

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